Tomorrow is my birthday... blew up last night

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Tomorrow is my birthday so I should be happy and excited right?

Not even close.

It's just another day now, I even requested that I work instead of sit around alone all day because it won't hold much meaning to me.

I started to wonder if perhaps my ex will remember and try to contact me just to try and fake nice. I highly doubt it. I've been doing ok lately but for some reason last night I decided to check my ex a sisters Facebook. Big mistake.

It was ten at night and I was tired and sore, after seeing pictures of my ex and "daughter" and noticed they finally removed a picture of me with daughter, I completely lost it.

Immediately I got up and started working out with music blaring, didn't mater how tired and sore I already was, my anger took over.

I'm kind of scared of myself and lack of control of emotion when I see her, if I were to ever see her again I'm not sure what would happen.

This brings me to tomorrow. I highly doubt she contacts me. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, probably tell her that her new boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and then continue a written assault via text.

I want her to feel the pain she caused me, yet I don't ever want to hurt her, but the anger usually wins out.

I've really started working out hard again to take out my aggression and pain, only to mute my negative energy.

Sigh. Never thought I'd be so unexcited about my birthday, especially my 25th birthday.

It's going to be a disappointment no matter what happens, kind of like every other day now.

I want the impossible.

[afterdeath]

Tomorrow is my birthday so I should be happy and excited right?

Not even close.

It's just another day now, I even requested that I work instead of sit around alone all day because it won't hold much meaning to me.

I started to wonder if perhaps my ex will remember and try to contact me just to try and fake nice. I highly doubt it. I've been doing ok lately but for some reason last night I decided to check my ex a sisters Facebook. Big mistake.

It was ten at night and I was tired and sore, after seeing pictures of my ex and "daughter" and noticed they finally removed a picture of me with daughter, I completely lost it.

Immediately I got up and started working out with music blaring, didn't mater how tired and sore I already was, my anger took over.

I'm kind of scared of myself and lack of control of emotion when I see her, if I were to ever see her again I'm not sure what would happen.

This brings me to tomorrow. I highly doubt she contacts me. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, probably tell her that her new boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and then continue a written assault via text.

I want her to feel the pain she caused me, yet I don't ever want to hurt her, but the anger usually wins out.

I've really started working out hard again to take out my aggression and pain, only to mute my negative energy.

Sigh. Never thought I'd be so unexcited about my birthday, especially my 25th birthday.

It's going to be a disappointment no matter what happens, kind of like every other day now.

I want the impossible.

[HarmKrakow]

Tomorrow is my birthday so I should be happy and excited right?

Not even close.

It's just another day now, I even requested that I work instead of sit around alone all day because it won't hold much meaning to me.

I started to wonder if perhaps my ex will remember and try to contact me just to try and fake nice. I highly doubt it. I've been doing ok lately but for some reason last night I decided to check my ex a sisters Facebook. Big mistake.

It was ten at night and I was tired and sore, after seeing pictures of my ex and "daughter" and noticed they finally removed a picture of me with daughter, I completely lost it.

Immediately I got up and starting working out with music blaring, didn't mater how tired and sore I already was, my anger took over.

I'm kind of scared of myself and lack of control of emotion when I see her, if I were to ever see her again I'm not sure what would happen.

This brings me to tomorrow. I highly doubt she contacts me. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, probably tell her that her new boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and then continue a written assault via text.

I want her to feel the pain she caused me, yet I don't ever want to hurt her, but the anger usually wins out.

I've really started working out hard again to take out my aggression and pain, only to me my negative energy.

Sigh. Never thought I'd be so unexcited you're my birthday, especially my 25th birthday.

It's going to be a disappointment no matter what happens, kind of like every other day now.

I want the impossible.

Whatever happens, we are here for you. We are here and let us know if she contacted you. It's just another day in the park, after that you have another year to worry before that day comes again!

I can understand the mental touchyness of such a day and the living between hope(?) and weird sense of rational thought knowing she won't contact you.

I think you should not make YOUR birthday about whether or NOT you get something from your EX gf ... because that is no detachment. That is putting salt on your wound ... .  on your birthday.

And ofc. ... I would already like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy bday!

[Rose Tiger]

Are you kidding me?  This is the day of your birth, 25 years!  This is important.  I think you should go buy yourself a porshe.  Yeah!  A red one.

My B-day is coming up, I'm feeling like skipping it but screw that, I want some good food.  Maybe a nice steak?  Food.  The great comforter.  Can you think of something to do for yourself?  A special present to get for yourself?  Hey, if we can't get a nice prezzy from the ex, we should still get something nice for ourselves.  I'm thinking about some nice big soupbowls with my pfaltzgraph dinnerware pattern, I know, living large here.

Is there something you would like to show you Hey you are important.  You are!

[afterdeath]

Are you kidding me?  This is the day of your birth, 25 years!  This is important.  I think you should go buy yourself a porshe.  Yeah!  A red one.

My B-day is coming up, I'm feeling like skipping it but screw that, I want some good food.  Maybe a nice steak?  Food.  The great comforter.  Can you think of something to do for yourself?  A special present to get for yourself?  Hey, if we can't get a nice prezzy from the ex, we should still get something nice for ourselves.  I'm thinking about some nice big soupbowls with my pfaltzgraph dinnerware pattern, I know, living large here.

Is there something you would like to show you Hey you are important.  You are!

bahahaha a bog red porche! ! i did just spend quite a bit on my car to show it some love for hitting 60,000 ... .  I'm going to try and be positive as i can, i had some peanut butter pie and pizza so far... but i'm stuck working all weekend so no time really to celebrate, that's ok though.

and thank you hakarow, i'd definetly say i'm stuck in between hope and hopeless?

Any way thank you guys for being here for me, you don't know how much I really appreciate these boards and the members!

[Rose Tiger]

From all your friends at bpdfamily.com!



Make a wish!

[Rose Tiger]

We got you a card!

[Leaf]

It's your birthday, so I'll sing it: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear afterdeath, happy birthday to you!   

[afterdeath]

Thank you so much everyone! It's very touching. I  deeply and greatly appreciate it.  


On another note, no contact from ex... .  this is really the last sign she will never come back, therefore I should just move on with my life as she already has apparently.

But thank you all so very much, you've warmed my heart on this day and I can't thank you enough.

[afterdeath]

She did not contact.

I must admit I knew she wouldn't. I'm sad today. Sad because I feel like I really meant nothing and was expendable after she meant so much to me.

Today was the last mile stone, I know now she's gone forever. Any further stalking or ruminating will only cause pain, I'm sure the next thing I'd find out is her getting engaged or pregnant to the replacement and I would not be able to even handle hearing that.

She's gone forever.  :-( . Here we go again on the carousel of grieving.

Sigh, so sick of feeling hurt.

[Rose Tiger]

I know, I felt very much the same on Valentine's day.  I knew he probably wouldn't do anything but a part of me wished that he would.  It kind of puts the seal of yes, it's over on the whole thing.  It takes such a long time to recover after a BPD relationship, it is so hard.  The positive I can think of is no more holidays until the 4th of July.

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help get through this recovery?

[afterdeath]

I know, I felt very much the same on Valentine's day.  I knew he probably wouldn't do anything but a part of me wished that he would.  It kind of puts the seal of yes, it's over on the whole thing.  It takes such a long time to recover after a BPD relationship, it is so hard.  The positive I can think of is no more holidays until the 4th of July.

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help get through this recovery?

I thought the same on Valentines day.

I've thought about a therapist but ultimately don't have the time, and like my friend said, what will they tell me that I haven't already heard?

There are two fixes only: her 2010 version traveling through time to the present to kill the imposter she's become or the latter: time.

Time heals all wounds.

Soon my therapy will be running outside again, running really mellows a person out. Or just exhausts all your energy.

Physical activity and these forums, life savers.

[Rose Tiger]

Ah, but what about the third part, making sure we don't get involved with the same sort in the future.  I had quite a few of these relationships before I started looking at my part, my upbringing and family history to get some total healing. 

[afterdeath]

I've definetly have been trying to do self maintenance on personal inventory.

I really didn't have a bad upbringing at all, loving parents still together.

My only problem is low self esteem and depression.

it's hard to identify a relationship like this until you go through it, looking back now I see all the flags, but this girl was some one I got to know first for almost two years before we started dating, she hid things extremely well that would only come to surface after her cracks would come down the pipe line.

I don't believe I'll be victim again as I will keep my boundaries in place, but I am working on my self esteem issues and depression.

[Rose Tiger]

I think general invalidation as a kiddo can cause some future troubles.  Parents do the best they can but sometimes things can go a bit off track.  It's not looking to blame them but to see where the areas or possible cases of trauma lie.  I'm glad you are doing this at 25 versus, say (gulp) 50. 

[mango_flower]

It's difficult to see how your life is bigger than what the two of you had.

But it is It's taken me ages to get there, and my friends kept saying "Your life is so much bigger than M!" and I was like "no it's not *sob*". But getting away for a few days to a foreign country REALLY helped me realise what a big world it is, and she is just one person.

I hope you did have a good day in the end.  And like somebody else said, I am glad you're doing this at 25.  You have many years of awesome things ahead.  I hope you'll still drop in from time to time after all this is done with, and let us know how great things are going for you x

[afterdeath]

It's difficult to see how your life is bigger than what the two of you had.

But it is It's taken me ages to get there, and my friends kept saying "Your life is so much bigger than M!" and I was like "no it's not *sob*". But getting away for a few days to a foreign country REALLY helped me realise what a big world it is, and she is just one person.

I hope you did have a good day in the end.  And like somebody else said, I am glad you're doing this at 25.  You have many years of awesome things ahead.  I hope you'll still drop in from time to time after all this is done with, and let us know how great things are going for you x

Thank you both, I'll be here for a while to come yet, even after I heal I will try to help others recover after I find my way out of the maze.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

[levi]

Afterdeath, Happy Happy birthday, go out with your friends and enjoy your birthday, you can do whatever you want to do. Xxx

[afterdeath]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

Let me explain my "dates" ... .  I either go to a movie or dinner with a girl, hardly feel a thing, and take them back home feeling emptier than ever.

I've had three "dates" in seven months, two with same girl who knows we won't ever be in a relationship, more just friends with broken hearts trying to exhume what fun we can out of our lifeless bodies, the other girl? A friend who I felt nothing for and she jumps in and out of relationships like the seasons change.

This is not an actual date scenario for me, there is no excitement, no connection, nothing... .  might as well be with my dog, she gets more from me than a girl has since my ex.

Yes I'm wounded, but maybe if I throw myself to the lions I'll learn how to stand and fight in the arena again.

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

[Suzn]

Happy birthday afterdeath!

Let me explain my "dates" ... .  I either go to a movie or dinner with a girl, hardly feel a thing, and take them back home feeling emptier than ever.

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way afterdeath.    Anyone can feel this way after a breakup. These are all topics a therapist may be able to help you work through, and at seven months maybe consider how you are worth the time to look deeper into these feelings.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

[afterdeath]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

To be quite honest you're right. I'm not ready at all. I dream of her every single night and I still miss her to the point of tears.

It's society and people repeatedly telling me to move on and get over it pushing me in to this too fast before I'm ready.

I honestly don't believe I'll find any one now, because I don't really want to, she was the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

If you've seen the new God of war promo, it eerily strikes a similar chord to me.

In it you see a little girl break away from her mother and race through soldiers up a hill to meet a man standing on top of the hill. This man was her father, he picks her up and as they are smiling she disintegrates in his arms and her Ashes paint his skin white. He falls to the ground on his knees and starts to remember the times with his wife and daughter and becomes increasingly sad and angry, he starts to tremble and shake until his full rage just takes over ass the soldiers close in on him.

I feel like that God of war promo, they are gone forever stained on my body and I just grow angrier as the world closes in on me.

I can't have her back so what's the use of staying pitiful and depressed, at some time I must move on from this, because she already has. Sadly another person won't fill the void and I realize it's up to me, the world and life will not wait for my recovery, so I must mend wounds with what I have left until I find the cure.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

To be quite honest you're right. I'm not ready at all. I dream of her every single night and I still miss her to the point of tears.

It's society and people repeatedly telling me to move on and get over it pushing me in to this too fast before I'm ready.

I honestly don't believe I'll find any one now, because I don't really want to, she was the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

If you've seen the new God of war promo, it eerily strikes a similar chord to me.

In it you see a little girl break away from her mother and race through soldiers up a hill to meet a man standing on top of the hill. This man was her father, he picks her up and as they are smiling she disintegrates in his arms and her Ashes paint his skin white. He falls to the ground on his knees and starts to remember the times with his wife and daughter and becomes increasingly sad and angry, he starts to tremble and shake until his full rage just takes over ass the soldiers close in on him.

I feel like that God of war promo, they are gone forever stained on my body and I just grow angrier as the world closes in on me.

I can't have her back so what's the use of staying pitiful and depressed, at some time I must move on from this, because she already has. Sadly another person won't fill the void and I realize it's up to me, the world and life will not wait for my recovery, so I must mend wounds with what I have left until I find the cure.

Mate, I am in the exact same position. Ive lied in bed the entire sunday, doing nothing else besides crying and just lying in bed and falling a sleep so now and then. I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

[susanleona]

This moving on is dog~ hard.  There are days when yes, it gets better, and then there are days when you can't hack it at all. It's Red Queen stuff.  And if the NC is broached by a contact it's a setback. 

[Suzn]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

[HarmKrakow]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

I'm seeing a T indeed, since the hatred phase started in October and it ended not to long ago. Those months in between have been draining all the energy, self dignity and self confidence away till a point where there was nothing left. Nothing. And since that period, I feel what you just read there.

I don't feel suicidal. However I don't feel a will to live. A passion to wake up. Even when I was alone, I had my little cat, but he died last december (15 years old) and I remember my ex telling me, his time had come and that she could not understand how I could get so attached to an animal. It's not like i'm looking for a way out, i'm seriously not, I just want to dissolve and get rid of this mental pain. But that spark in your body and head, that spark to do something, to fight for something. To have a goal in your life. To climb the mount everest, to clean your house, or even such a little thing like shopping. I don't have any, and even the littlest ones take 1) so much energy with 2) no satisfaction.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay, but that during that 'hatred' phase I staid on board to long of this train and every time I got to him I cried with words about her that I could not understand what she was doing to me. And every time he said, why stay on board? Until it ate my 'plate empty'.

I unfortunately don't have a big support network to fall back on to.

[afterdeath]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

Harm, I understand you completely, how long has it been for you? For me it's been seven months, in the first two I lost 15 pounds immediately because if not eating and just working and sleeping.

I slept for 12 hours lastnight as yesterday was a bad day emotionally, it's an escape from reality and she is there waiting for me in my dreams.

I say let it hurt instead of repressing, let it out so you can let it go. I cried alot in the beginning as well. Now I cry rarely.

As I've told others who seem to hurt on my level, there's only one thing we can do, revenge. And the best revenge: to live the best and most happy life you can.

The only thing keeping me motivated and going is that I'm going to make sure she regrets ever taking advantage of me.

I'm working out, gaining lean mean muscle mass, I'm fixing whatever BS issues she accused me of, and I will come out of the Ashes a better man, a Phoenix from the Ashes.

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

Anyway, let it hurt, don't get fired, and you will hit a point where you will tell yourself enough is enough and you'll be able to be you again.

Nobody will love her as much as me, and I fear being alone without her now, but if I have to hurt, then I'm going to make sure next time she sees me, she will hurt equally as much when she realizes what a dumb mistake she made.

We can only accomplish this by bettering ourselves and not only returning to form, but exceeding it.

[Suzn]

I totally get it, been there. I went through a bout of deep depression 2 years ago. It lasted about 3 months, everything you describe is how I felt. I got up, went to work, cried at work (I work alone a lot so that helped) and I cried when I got home. It was awful.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay

When we are going through all of this things can change. I'm not sure what "all the tests" means however your description of what you're feeling right now is not "all is okay." I would encourage you to make a call to him and let him know how you're feeling right now to see if he may suggest looking into meds to help you through the rough patches. Or maybe he just needs to see you more often.

Here's the hard part. I had to force myself do something. Make myself go for a walk, or call a friend, etc... even if I cried the whole time my friend visited me. (that happened, and that's ok) Can you call a friend or family member just to get out for a bit, or take a walk?

[HarmKrakow]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

Harm, I understand you completely, how long has it been for you? For me it's been seven months, in the first two I lost 15 pounds immediately because if not eating and just working and sleeping.

I slept for 12 hours lastnight as yesterday was a bad day emotionally, it's an escape from reality and she is there waiting for me in my dreams.

I say let it hurt instead of repressing, let it out so you can let it go. I cried alot in the beginning as well. Now I cry rarely.

As I've told others who seem to hurt on my level, there's only one thing we can do, revenge. And the best revenge: to live the best and most happy life you can.

The only thing keeping me motivated and going is that I'm going to make sure she regrets ever taking advantage of me.

I'm working out, gaining lean mean muscle mass, I'm fixing whatever BS issues she accused me of, and I will come out of the Ashes a better man, a Phoenix from the Ashes.

Anyway, let it hurt, don't get fired, and you will hit a point where you will tell yourself enough is enough and you'll be able to be you again.

Nobody will love her as much as me, and I fear being alone without her now, but if I have to hurt, then I'm going to make sure next time she sees me, she will hurt equally as much when she realizes what a dumb mistake she made.

We can only accomplish this by bettering ourselves and not only returning to form, but exceeding it.

The hate phase has been started since October 2012, the ending sort of, as it was through mail, was just a week ago. The only thing I do is work out, I ran 10km this morning. Thats about it. The rest in bed and by far one of the worst days in a long time. I puked out my food man, pfft.   So much crying for an adult man, it's ridiculous. Alone in bed, and just wool around and crawl around and try to cover yourself. Other than that I also spoke to no one else besides a short talk with my father. Besides that nothing.

I try not to get fired but unfortunately they of course have noticed and already had conversations about; where do we move onward from here?

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

For me this is hard to believe for myself as I think, I am not better. Why? Because I tried all I could for months and it was never enough, every day giving more caused more distance. And ofcourse the bucket of ~ which went over my head as the constant words, it's not enough, it's not doing it ... I don't feel secure harm.

[Suzn]

Harmkrakow, here's what I see from what you've said. You always had distractions before. Emotions don't have a time limit. When we don't "deal" with them they sit and wait. (sometimes just under the surface) Something happens, we become stressed, and bam we are triggered, an old emotion comes out to the forefront. It sounds as though you are "feeling" those. The crying, it hurts, it sucks, but it's a healthy part of your recovery. You are grieving and this is what grieving feels like. It will change, emotions are fluid, once it flows through you, you will be on the other side. It will get better. 

I'm glad to hear you are running. Will you talk with your T about this?

[HarmKrakow]

I totally get it, been there. I went through a bout of deep depression 2 years ago. It lasted about 3 months, everything you describe is how I felt. I got up, went to work, cried at work (I work alone a lot so that helped) and I cried when I got home. It was awful.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay

When we are going through all of this things can change. I'm not sure what "all the tests" means however your description of what you're feeling right now is not "all is okay." I would encourage you to make a call to him and let him know how you're feeling right now to see if he may suggest looking into meds to help you through the rough patches. Or maybe he just needs to see you more often.

Here's the hard part. I had to force myself do something. Make myself go for a walk, or call a friend, etc... even if I cried the whole time my friend visited me. (that happened, and that's ok) Can you call a friend or family member just to get out for a bit, or take a walk?

I agree, i am not fine. It's not normal for a healthy adult man to cry so much, so often. Uncontrollably. So far I only have temazepam, a med to get rhytmn in my sleeping patterns again.

The tests were about the question, is it me? Am I causing all this pain? What am I doing wrong? And yeah, I have to force myself as well. I ran this morning, my only achievement this entire weekend. I ran 10km, thats all I did this weekend besides lying in bed :/. In regards of seeing the T more often, i'm trying my best, but my next appointment is not until the 18th of March. I have 1 friend who occasionally calls me and i've been there last week to sleep over. Also there, it was just uncontrollable crying. They made food for me and I slept there over night, and they have been real nice but of course, for them also a bit of a shocker. I get triggered by the smallest thing about life, future, r/s. etc.

Family members is a bit of an issue, don't have contact with them. Long story short, don't have the best connection with them, however, was invited to go there and try to rebond a bit, and ofc. I did that with bringing my ex BPD gf. Finally it seemed to be a bit going better, but now 'this is gone' and a re-bonding schedule with them is further away than possible.

Other than that I unfortunately pushed away a few friendships during this r/s purely to show her in the last few months that she is my nr. 1 and that she doesn't have to worry i would go away. And therefore I'm spending my weekends on my own.

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkrakow, here's what I see from what you've said. You always had distractions before. Emotions don't have a time limit. When we don't "deal" with them they sit and wait. (sometimes just under the surface) Something happens, we become stressed, and bam we are triggered, an old emotion comes out to the forefront. It sounds as though you are "feeling" those. The crying, it hurts, it sucks, but it's a healthy part of your recovery. You are grieving and this is what grieving feels like. It will change, emotions are fluid, once it flows through you, you will be on the other side. It will get better. 

I'm glad to hear you are running. Will you talk with your T about this?

Yes I will! I'll promise I do want to continue, I do want to go further, but especially those weekends are killing.

And yeah, I guess you are right. The grieving is part of recovery. Unfortunately I don't have anyone to share it with, making the emotions a tad stronger. I never expected from myself to 'sink so low'. People always saw me as an example, fighting power. Will power, success. I don't have any of them at the moment. I don't remember the feeling anymore. And above all, I know I am to frantically searching for a solution. I want to get better, preferably soon. But yeah, I know doing things overhastily, whether that is rebounds or anything else, it will make the scar deeper and therefore what do I do? I close myself off. And when it's to much, I go read here a bit.

And yes, i'm triggered by the smallest things. Last Friday at work 2 colleagues are moving to a different firm and they were playing the song; 'a real goodbye doesnt' exist'. Man oh man ... And yeah, then I know, I can go binge drinking (I don't do that, nor do I do drugs, smoke or drink regularly. None of that). But yeah, the temptation, the pure temptation to get wasted and forget stuff was to big and I bought a bottle of vodka and got myself smashed to fall asleep. Day after I went for sleeping pills, realizing this drinking ~ isn't any solution either. Seriously, it feel's like murphy's law, and the fact that you can't share the littlest thing as that your neighbour has new hair with anybody, (not that i find that a necessity) is such a pain. Brr...

and because all I did the last months was trying to save something with all my power which couldn't be saved you wonder if you can ever get anything again in your life.

[Leaf]

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

For me this is hard to believe for myself as I think, I am not better. Why? Because I tried all I could for months and it was never enough, every day giving more caused more distance. And ofcourse the bucket of ~ which went over my head as the constant words, it's not enough, it's not doing it ... I don't feel secure harm.

It's never enough for them. They ask for your left eye to prove you love them. Then it's time for the next love/control test and they ask for your right eye. And then they get angry because you spilled the milk. And on top of that they despise you because you were so stupid that you gave up both your eyes for them. You can never win. Has nothing to do with you. As Afterdeath says, he will be a tough act to follow for the next guy and you will be a tough act to follow for the next guy. If you tried so hard and couldn't keep her satisfied no one can.

[Suzn]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

[HarmKrakow]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

Thanks What you told me in regards of my 10km run made me re-think my run and I guess you are right. There have been times I wasn't capable of doing so, and now without issue I can run 10km without any fysical pain or anything else in a relatively good pace. Unfortunately I also see it as chasing a high (endorphines) which will lower again the moment I go back home, take a shower and get back in bed.

[afterdeath]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

I was going to say harm I'm a runner a well and a 10K is not something to be taken lightly as not every one can accomplish this even if they want to. You are a runner so that alone tells me how mentally strong and persistent you are, both good traits.

I am actually starting my running regimen back up tomorrow for my yearly race near memorial day, I did the ten last year but I'm switching back to the 5 this year, I hardly ever run a 10k...

That actually is a goal for me, get back in to running and set a personal record at the race this year, running used to really mellow me out so I'm hoping it helps again.

I took a running hiatus because I wasn't mentally strong enough to run without obsessing over her. Now I will use her as fuel to push myself.

You have the same traits as me, you are too hard on yourself. I guarantee it was not you at all, but if you're anything like me you took the whole burden on your shoulders to make her happy as she did you. We are not meant to be sources of a persons happiness, they should be happy with themselves to begin with then we are just a pleasant addition.

I tried saving it too because I think I'm superman with a God complex: if any one can do it, I can.

I tried a well to no avail, they are simply too fickle, one day she loves me and I'm the one the next I can't please her and everything I do is wrong and is all my fault.

She craved new attention and has object constancy, she simply fell for whoever was closest and is always in site, that's why she fell for me in college and rebounded to me after split with baby daddy and that's why she replaced me with some one she works with. She has a horrible track record for dating people she works with. It's who us closest right here right now.

Nothing to do with us.

If you ever need to vent you can message me or do what I do, vent here and these genuine educated kind people will help you.

It hurts I know, you're maybe two months behind me in your journey, it gets better, I only get triggered because of holidays now and certain dates coming up.

Wish I could say the love feeling returns but I'm still empty as far as that goes.

Oh, and it's fine to cry! Real men aren't afraid of emotions. Let it out, it is ridiculous that we have to cry so much but it's more ridiculous to not let it out. We are grieving a death. people telling you any different are ignorant and have no way to relate to you.

It is ok to feel, you are normal, be more worried if you were able to just move on.

I bet BPD people would make excellent soldiers, the perfect killing machines as they could kill and easily walk away feeling nothing.

Anytime you need us, we're here.

[HarmKrakow]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

I was going to say harm I'm a runner a well and a 10K is not something to be taken lightly as not every one can accomplish this even if they want to. You are a runner so that alone tells me how mentally strong and persistent you are, both good traits.

I am actually starting my running regimen back up tomorrow for my yearly race near memorial day, I did the ten last year but I'm switching back to the 5 this year, I hardly ever run a 10k...

That actually is a goal for me, get back in to running and set a personal record at the race this year, running used to really mellow me out so I'm hoping it helps again.

I took a running hiatus because I wasn't mentally strong enough to run without obsessing over her. Now I will use her as fuel to push myself.

You have the same traits as me, you are too hard on yourself. I guarantee it was not you at all, but if you're anything like me you took the whole burden on your shoulders to make her happy as she did you. We are not meant to be sources of a persons happiness, they should be happy with themselves to begin with then we are just a pleasant addition.

I tried saving it too because I think I'm superman with a God complex: if any one can do it, I can.

I tried a well to no avail, they are simply too fickle, one day she loves me and I'm the one the next I can't please her and everything I do is wrong and is all my fault.

She craved new attention and has object constancy, she simply fell for whoever was closest and is always in site, that's why she fell for me in college and rebounded to me after split with baby daddy and that's why she replaced me with some one she works with. She has a horrible track record for dating people she works with. It's who us closest right here right now.

Nothing to do with us.

If you ever need to vent you can message me or do what I do, vent here and these genuine educated kind people will help you.

It hurts I know, you're maybe two months behind me in your journey, it gets better, I only get triggered because of holidays now and certain dates coming up.

Wish I could say the love feeling returns but I'm still empty as far as that goes.

Oh, and it's fine to cry! Real men aren't afraid of emotions. Let it out, it is ridiculous that we have to cry so much but it's more ridiculous to not let it out. We are grieving a death. people telling you any different are ignorant and have no way to relate to you.

It is ok to feel, you are normal, be more worried if you were able to just move on.

I bet BPD people would make excellent soldiers, the perfect killing machines as they could kill and easily walk away feeling nothing.

Anytime you need us, we're here.

Cheers One of the other reasons I run or atleast work out is also because I don't want to slip in like a burn out, or gain weight or lose 'power'.

In regards of crying. I was never allowed to cry when I was with her. She first of all told me it pushed her more away from me if I started crying and second she constantly told me that I didn't have any reasons to cry. And when she said something like, why don't you seek a new gf? And I told her, I rather stay with you although she saw me struggling saying that, i remember the 'ooh you gonna cry?" (insert the wink wink movement with the hands in the eyes).

Neither was I allowed to bring up good memories between her and me. Stop doing that is what she told me.

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

[afterdeath]

This is all ok Harm.

The fact that she wanted to join you in running shows how she wanted to be you. I know this because my ex also decided she was going to start running too. When i first met her she said she'd never run, especially with me. Anyway she started running with me and would always tell me to go ahead and go on, i never did because i became fairly out of shape and the pace was fine for me and i was taught never to leave girls running alone. Plus i just wanted to be with her, i think she felt ashamed of her shape compared to me.

Anyway she kept with it, and she even ran a few races with me, she seemed to enjoy it as it made her feel good too (runners high?) that and people at running events are just nice encouraging people and it's always a positive environment.

She wanted to beat her sister who ran too... .  she ran a race or two with her.

THEN, i had to work one day she wanted to do a race... so she ran with my replacement and her office mate -_-; ... .   

She praised them for staying by her the whole time... .  

yet she'd tell me to go on, in one race where i got 3rd overall she was mad because  i didnt run with her even though i ran back after i was done and took the stroller from her sister as they ran off to finish the race.

Anyway... .  Yes we get a runners high... .  but that's the point, and this is a constructive positive high, not like a drug high which is negative. We should feel good after we run because we just busted our butt and ran through the challenge of pain and wanting to stop.

I digress. I'm not sure if she's still working out/running, from the last picture i saw of her, her arms seem to be really skinny in her coat, she had kind of muscular arms, so she looked like she'd lost weight, looked a little sick too to be honest.

With the highs are going to come the crashing lows, this i know... i flipped out the night before my birthday, felt great on my birthday, and then flipped the day after because i was disapointed that even though ALL these people sent me birthday wishes, it did not trump the ONE person that didnt. Thus while i probably slept 12 hours last night.

I get you brother.   ... Do not give up running as it has been one of the most positive things in my life and am kind of excited to get back in to it tomorrow even though i know it'll suck at first. Don't let her take that away.

I got a new pair of running shoes because the only other ones i have were the ones she bought me for a birthday present so they remind me of her ... .  Everything reminds me of her. I really get it.

This was the video i was referring to earlier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aDhfTGkLTg

That is me every single day... .  every single waking moment... .  

[waverider]

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

This part of the recovery, extremes of compensation/substition followed by extreme emptiness when the distraction is over and the reality creeps back in. This is normal expect this, stability will take a while to achieve but it will, this is where Acceptance type of therapy is (search ACT if you want to follow that path).

Dont try to avoid or deny the bad moments, see them for what they are, recognize they just are, and they pass in due course. Dont worry about moving on to rebound relationships, they are doomed to failure as your heart is not in the right place yet and it will show, the result further undermining your confidence.

Just immerse yourself in simple pleasures and activities, just to make sure your life schedule is not empty. New direction and focus will slowly creep back in due time.

Life is made up of many stories, not all of them with happy ever afters, this one has to run its course before the next one can begin

[LuckyEscapee]

I ran this morning, my only achievement this entire weekend. I ran 10km, thats all I did this weekend besides lying in bed :/.

are you kidding 

All I had to do this weekend was a couple of much needed workouts (I've promised myself I would increase my fitness) but my laziness bit hard instead. I had to drag myself to do anything yet I would say I am healing well. I cannot even blame the BPD effect

Stick with your running HarmKrakow, that is an achievement 

[HarmKrakow]

This is all ok Harm.

The fact that she wanted to join you in running shows how she wanted to be you. I know this because my ex also decided she was going to start running too. When i first met her she said she'd never run, especially with me. Anyway she started running with me and would always tell me to go ahead and go on, i never did because i became fairly out of shape and the pace was fine for me and i was taught never to leave girls running alone. Plus i just wanted to be with her, i think she felt ashamed of her shape compared to me.

My ex told me the exact same thing... Go ahead and go on...

Anyway she kept with it, and she even ran a few races with me, she seemed to enjoy it as it made her feel good too (runners high?) that and people at running events are just nice encouraging people and it's always a positive environment.

She wanted to beat her sister who ran too... .  she ran a race or two with her.

THEN, i had to work one day she wanted to do a race... so she ran with my replacement and her office mate -_-; ... .   

She praised them for staying by her the whole time... .  

yet she'd tell me to go on, in one race where i got 3rd overall she was mad because  i didnt run with her even though i ran back after i was done and took the stroller from her sister as they ran off to finish the race.

Anyway... .  Yes we get a runners high... .  but that's the point, and this is a constructive positive high, not like a drug high which is negative. We should feel good after we run because we just busted our butt and ran through the challenge of pain and wanting to stop.

I digress. I'm not sure if she's still working out/running, from the last picture i saw of her, her arms seem to be really skinny in her coat, she had kind of muscular arms, so she looked like she'd lost weight, looked a little sick too to be honest.

With the highs are going to come the crashing lows, this i know... i flipped out the night before my birthday, felt great on my birthday, and then flipped the day after because i was disapointed that even though ALL these people sent me birthday wishes, it did not trump the ONE person that didnt. Thus while i probably slept 12 hours last night.

I get you brother.   ... Do not give up running as it has been one of the most positive things in my life and am kind of excited to get back in to it tomorrow even though i know it'll suck at first. Don't let her take that away.

I got a new pair of running shoes because the only other ones i have were the ones she bought me for a birthday present so they remind me of her ... .  Everything reminds me of her. I really get it.

This was the video i was referring to earlier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aDhfTGkLTg

That is me every single day... .  every single waking moment... .  

I won't give up running, as i'm actually fairly in shape from a physique point of view, but yeah, for example, I can't run without music. I can't, i just can't...

And it will be like chasing a high, feeling awesome when running and getting home and getting struck by complete sole emptiness. A friend told me last wednesday, Harm keep the doors open which have the boogeyman behind it. Because if you keep closing them every time you open them, it will only last longer. Don't run away, start facing it, it will hurt, but you will have to go through it. The way I do it is close everything, lock everything, put a fridge in front of it and pretend it's not there. 

[HarmKrakow]

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

This part of the recovery, extremes of compensation/substition followed by extreme emptiness when the distraction is over and the reality creeps back in. This is normal expect this, stability will take a while to achieve but it will, this is where Acceptance type of therapy is (search ACT if you want to follow that path).

Dont try to avoid or deny the bad moments, see them for what they are, recognize they just are, and they pass in due course. Dont worry about moving on to rebound relationships, they are doomed to failure as your heart is not in the right place yet and it will show, the result further undermining your confidence.

Just immerse yourself in simple pleasures and activities, just to make sure your life schedule is not empty. New direction and focus will slowly creep back in due time.

Life is made up of many stories, not all of them with happy ever afters, this one has to run its course before the next one can begin

Why is it like this, that mankind as of today is so frantically searching for solutions, more as in like 24h cures? I do agree that I work in the wrong sector (finance) where they have quite a cold/shallow attitude of performance and sick leave, let alone showing emotions (boohoo) is something not particularly accepted. I shouldn't be in this situation and I regret that I got myself into this mess. Sept. 2011 I was working for a top firm and finished top of my class. Now i'm not even the shadow of what I once was. I've cried more than I ever did in my entire life the last few months, lost weight, slept ~.

And you know what in regards of simple pleasures and activities? She was a true and good copier of what I did. I can't drink the drinks I always drank due to the fact that she started to like it to, I can't shop at the same supermarket anymore, nor eat the same dinners we had. Or watch the TV shows I liked or movies or even a simple thing as going to cinema...

I keep repeating Sept. 2011 as that was a point where I could genuinely say; I feel happy. Gawly moses, It feels further away than ever.

[Suzn]

Harm you've attached emotion to these objects, these things you liked. This is pretty common. Give it time, feeling this way about "things or objects or places" because of your ex means you are not detached yet. When you become fully detached you will be able to enjoy them again. Hang in there, this is going to change.

[HarmKrakow]

I agree. I'm working on this with my T in regards of cognitive therapy. 1) Something happens, I see something for example. Then rather going to step 2) and think(!) I go to step 3) and attach an emotion to it. So far it works, but it works only when I’m already at step 3. I do like this sort of therapy though, it’s disecting the thought of thinking, and I don’t want to do anything else than to disect it in steps and get rid of the ‘steps’which cause me to break down.

[afterdeath]

So, tried to run today harm!... .  yeah... got about... 100 yards turned around and went home... .  still WAY TOO COLD... .  i was numb within seconds... stupid weather... .  it did feel refreshing though as i feel i would've been able to keep going and not totally out of shape...

After that i had to travel to her town for work purposes... .  i like to call it: setback city

i absolutely hate that city now with a passion just because of her.


Anyway, she was of course in my dreams lastnight and today i'm suffering duality as if she's with me still or she's returning very soon... .  I have a really eerie gut feeling that are going to return very very soon. As it approaches i can feel myself get worse, I want to be prepared for it but it's like krypronite.

Today's a bad day for me i suppose as i literally failed to do what i had set out to do. At least you can finish your runs.

I'm really losing faithe in all love forever, i have sparking moments where i'm fine with being alone forever, then i get very sad that she's no longer with me.

I've been cracking and I've talked a lot about her the last few days as my friends/colleagues seem to be finally receiving my words, they are all as stunned as me as i describe how we were such great friends and great lovers... the one woman even quoted: "yeah what happened i thought you two were really happy then all of the sudden it's over".

These still don't help in the end to bring her back. I was just pondering today whether or not I should send a birthday card to daughter (I'd send it to my ex's mom who thinks highly of me and actually disagrees with her daughter, and tell her to give to her daughter's daughter)

I just want her to know Daddy hasn't stopped loving her... .  he's just "stuck at work" indefinitely, and sorry he never made it back home.  :'(

Haven't decided if this would be inappropriate or not. Her birthday is in June. It will have been... .  almost 9 months i think since I've last seen them at that point.

I'm sure her mom would keep it a secret but again i should probably just let go i suppose... .  easier said than done to mourn the loss of not only my love of my ex, but her daughter as well that was considered my daughter (step daddy but i was there since she was 3 months old until 2.5 years old raising her).

So, today I am very torn, and feeling weak.

[HarmKrakow]

So, tried to run today harm!... .  yeah... got about... 100 yards turned around and went home... .  still WAY TOO COLD... .  i was numb within seconds... stupid weather... .  it did feel refreshing though as i feel i would've been able to keep going and not totally out of shape...

After that i had to travel to her town for work purposes... .  i like to call it: setback city

i absolutely hate that city now with a passion just because of her.


Anyway, she was of course in my dreams lastnight and today i'm suffering duality as if she's with me still or she's returning very soon... .  I have a really eerie gut feeling that are going to return very very soon. As it approaches i can feel myself get worse, I want to be prepared for it but it's like krypronite.

Today's a bad day for me i suppose as i literally failed to do what i had set out to do. At least you can finish your runs.

I'm really losing faithe in all love forever, i have sparking moments where i'm fine with being alone forever, then i get very sad that she's no longer with me.

I've been cracking and I've talked a lot about her the last few days as my friends/colleagues seem to be finally receiving my words, they are all as stunned as me as i describe how we were such great friends and great lovers... the one woman even quoted: "yeah what happened i thought you two were really happy then all of the sudden it's over".

These still don't help in the end to bring her back. I was just pondering today whether or not I should send a birthday card to daughter (I'd send it to my ex's mom who thinks highly of me and actually disagrees with her daughter, and tell her to give to her daughter's daughter)

I just want her to know Daddy hasn't stopped loving her... .  he's just "stuck at work" indefinitely, and sorry he never made it back home.  :'(

Haven't decided if this would be inappropriate or not. Her birthday is in June. It will have been... .  almost 9 months i think since I've last seen them at that point.

I'm sure her mom would keep it a secret but again i should probably just let go i suppose... .  easier said than done to mourn the loss of not only my love of my ex, but her daughter as well that was considered my daughter (step daddy but i was there since she was 3 months old until 2.5 years old raising her).

So, today I am very torn, and feeling weak.

Well done on trying to run . Seriously. The talking about her, recollection of memories, all that feels good the moment you unleash it, but stings the moment you go home as the emptiness hits again.

I so know the feeling between having okay moments and getting ~ moments again. It sucks, big time. My boss told me yesterday night at work that its good that the ties are cut and she hopes to see a bit again. I told her with my gut, no idea if he still exists.

In regards of the daughter, she has not the age to understand the problems and by the time she does, i'm sure her mother has told her ... .  Her! Truth

[afterdeath]

Do you think I'd be inappropriate to send the birthday card?

[Newton]

my friend... .  I have had a short break from here... .  but have been checking on your posts.

I find it difficult to comment on the pain you are feeling regarding your step daughter... .  that is not a loss I have had to endure... .  

The card is a lovely sentiment... .  sending it will probably receive no response (painful for you)... .  or chaos (painful for you)... .  

Perhaps buy a pretty little box and put things in there like this card when you need to?... .  If/when she seeks you out in the future... .  imagine how validating that would be for her to see how much you thought about her! 

[afterdeath]

my friend... .  I have had a short break from here... .  but have been checking on your posts.

I find it difficult to comment on the pain you are feeling regarding your step daughter... .  that is not a loss I have had to endure... .  

The card is a lovely sentiment... .  sending it will probably receive no response (painful for you)... .  or chaos (painful for you)... .  

Perhaps buy a pretty little box and put things in there like this card when you need to?... .  If/when she seeks you out in the future... .  imagine how validating that would be for her to see how much you thought about her! 

Heck of an idea Newton. I think I'll do that. In a way I just want her to know daddy never stopped loving her or thinking about her but you're probably right that I need to keep these things to myself unless contacted first as much as it hurts. I really miss being a daddy. Wish I could describe how powerless it makes you feel to be stripped of that after you really committed no foul.

Well other than Easter no holidays for a while, so should be smooth sailing for a little but. I'm really happy with the fact that I've got my physique back, and may get in the best shape of my life physically. It makes me feel good to work hard and see my efforts pay off.

I'm not going to worry about dating for a while ass I see it's pointless to try until I'm fully over this, and that is okay to not be okay right now. I am however scared to even try again, there are so many heart wrenching stories out there now of divorce and splitting families up and infidelity that it's just more risk than I'm willing to take any more after I thought I snagged the prefect one.

I often joke I'll be like the cartoons where the rich guys sit in their study by a fire with their rich robes and monocles sipping champagne watching their stock dials.this may not be far from the truth for me now.

I'm only 25 but I just can't see starting a new relationship with some one else to try and start another family again only to fear of having it all fall apart and be taken away again.

Maybe I'll be like the 35 year old replacement and rip some poor sucker off of his much younger fiance.

No, Nevermind, I won't be like that at all, I'm already better than that and by that age I'll be even better.

She's really missing out on me.

[Suzn]

Afterdeath I know exavtly how you feel about being stripped of the daddy role. Its an identity. I went through this with my breakup, that's who I was. The other parent and the one who gave some stability. It was the hardest thing I've ever done walking away from the children. Seriously, after 5 years of intensity I had to figure out who I was again and what my new purpose was. It's been over two years now since I've seen them and I still think of them now and then. It get's easier in time. You know you love your daughter and thats what matters.

[afterdeath]

Afterdeath I know exavtly how you feel about being stripped of the daddy role. Its an identity. I went through this with my breakup, that's who I was. The other parent and the one who gave some stability. It was the hardest thing I've ever done walking away from the children. Seriously, after 5 years of intensity I had to figure out who I was again and what my new purpose was. It's been over two years now since I've seen them and I still think of them now and then. It get's easier in time. You know you love your daughter and thats what matters.

Thank you that helps me. If I could fight for her I would. I just hope some day she knows of the man that wanted to be in her life and loved her very much and did not choose to walk away but was forcefully pushed away, I don't ever want her to think I was some dead beat that didn't love her.

And yes daddy was my new identity and they were my purpose in life. Not sue if it falls under codependency or just trying to be the best dad I could be.

No longer daddy has left me questioning just who the hell I really am now then.