Tomorrow is my birthday... blew up last night

[afterdeath]

Tomorrow is my birthday so I should be happy and excited right?

Not even close.

It's just another day now, I even requested that I work instead of sit around alone all day because it won't hold much meaning to me.

I started to wonder if perhaps my ex will remember and try to contact me just to try and fake nice. I highly doubt it. I've been doing ok lately but for some reason last night I decided to check my ex a sisters Facebook. Big mistake.

It was ten at night and I was tired and sore, after seeing pictures of my ex and "daughter" and noticed they finally removed a picture of me with daughter, I completely lost it.

Immediately I got up and started working out with music blaring, didn't mater how tired and sore I already was, my anger took over.

I'm kind of scared of myself and lack of control of emotion when I see her, if I were to ever see her again I'm not sure what would happen.

This brings me to tomorrow. I highly doubt she contacts me. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, probably tell her that her new boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and then continue a written assault via text.

I want her to feel the pain she caused me, yet I don't ever want to hurt her, but the anger usually wins out.

I've really started working out hard again to take out my aggression and pain, only to mute my negative energy.

Sigh. Never thought I'd be so unexcited about my birthday, especially my 25th birthday.

It's going to be a disappointment no matter what happens, kind of like every other day now.

I want the impossible.

[HarmKrakow]

Tomorrow is my birthday so I should be happy and excited right?

Not even close.

It's just another day now, I even requested that I work instead of sit around alone all day because it won't hold much meaning to me.

I started to wonder if perhaps my ex will remember and try to contact me just to try and fake nice. I highly doubt it. I've been doing ok lately but for some reason last night I decided to check my ex a sisters Facebook. Big mistake.

It was ten at night and I was tired and sore, after seeing pictures of my ex and "daughter" and noticed they finally removed a picture of me with daughter, I completely lost it.

Immediately I got up and starting working out with music blaring, didn't mater how tired and sore I already was, my anger took over.

I'm kind of scared of myself and lack of control of emotion when I see her, if I were to ever see her again I'm not sure what would happen.

This brings me to tomorrow. I highly doubt she contacts me. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, probably tell her that her new boyfriend wouldn't appreciate it and then continue a written assault via text.

I want her to feel the pain she caused me, yet I don't ever want to hurt her, but the anger usually wins out.

I've really started working out hard again to take out my aggression and pain, only to me my negative energy.

Sigh. Never thought I'd be so unexcited you're my birthday, especially my 25th birthday.

It's going to be a disappointment no matter what happens, kind of like every other day now.

I want the impossible.

Whatever happens, we are here for you. We are here and let us know if she contacted you. It's just another day in the park, after that you have another year to worry before that day comes again!

I can understand the mental touchyness of such a day and the living between hope(?) and weird sense of rational thought knowing she won't contact you.

I think you should not make YOUR birthday about whether or NOT you get something from your EX gf ... because that is no detachment. That is putting salt on your wound ... .  on your birthday.

And ofc. ... I would already like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy bday!

[Rose Tiger]

Are you kidding me?  This is the day of your birth, 25 years!  This is important.  I think you should go buy yourself a porshe.  Yeah!  A red one.

My B-day is coming up, I'm feeling like skipping it but screw that, I want some good food.  Maybe a nice steak?  Food.  The great comforter.  Can you think of something to do for yourself?  A special present to get for yourself?  Hey, if we can't get a nice prezzy from the ex, we should still get something nice for ourselves.  I'm thinking about some nice big soupbowls with my pfaltzgraph dinnerware pattern, I know, living large here.

Is there something you would like to show you Hey you are important.  You are!

[afterdeath]

Are you kidding me?  This is the day of your birth, 25 years!  This is important.  I think you should go buy yourself a porshe.  Yeah!  A red one.

My B-day is coming up, I'm feeling like skipping it but screw that, I want some good food.  Maybe a nice steak?  Food.  The great comforter.  Can you think of something to do for yourself?  A special present to get for yourself?  Hey, if we can't get a nice prezzy from the ex, we should still get something nice for ourselves.  I'm thinking about some nice big soupbowls with my pfaltzgraph dinnerware pattern, I know, living large here.

Is there something you would like to show you Hey you are important.  You are!

bahahaha a bog red porche! ! i did just spend quite a bit on my car to show it some love for hitting 60,000 ... .  I'm going to try and be positive as i can, i had some peanut butter pie and pizza so far... but i'm stuck working all weekend so no time really to celebrate, that's ok though.

and thank you hakarow, i'd definetly say i'm stuck in between hope and hopeless?

Any way thank you guys for being here for me, you don't know how much I really appreciate these boards and the members!

[Rose Tiger]

From all your friends at bpdfamily.com!



Make a wish!

[Rose Tiger]

We got you a card!

[Leaf]

It's your birthday, so I'll sing it: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear afterdeath, happy birthday to you!   

[afterdeath]

Thank you so much everyone! It's very touching. I  deeply and greatly appreciate it.  


On another note, no contact from ex... .  this is really the last sign she will never come back, therefore I should just move on with my life as she already has apparently.

But thank you all so very much, you've warmed my heart on this day and I can't thank you enough.

[afterdeath]

She did not contact.

I must admit I knew she wouldn't. I'm sad today. Sad because I feel like I really meant nothing and was expendable after she meant so much to me.

Today was the last mile stone, I know now she's gone forever. Any further stalking or ruminating will only cause pain, I'm sure the next thing I'd find out is her getting engaged or pregnant to the replacement and I would not be able to even handle hearing that.

She's gone forever.  :-( . Here we go again on the carousel of grieving.

Sigh, so sick of feeling hurt.

[Rose Tiger]

I know, I felt very much the same on Valentine's day.  I knew he probably wouldn't do anything but a part of me wished that he would.  It kind of puts the seal of yes, it's over on the whole thing.  It takes such a long time to recover after a BPD relationship, it is so hard.  The positive I can think of is no more holidays until the 4th of July.

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help get through this recovery?

[afterdeath]

I know, I felt very much the same on Valentine's day.  I knew he probably wouldn't do anything but a part of me wished that he would.  It kind of puts the seal of yes, it's over on the whole thing.  It takes such a long time to recover after a BPD relationship, it is so hard.  The positive I can think of is no more holidays until the 4th of July.

Have you considered talking to a therapist to help get through this recovery?

I thought the same on Valentines day.

I've thought about a therapist but ultimately don't have the time, and like my friend said, what will they tell me that I haven't already heard?

There are two fixes only: her 2010 version traveling through time to the present to kill the imposter she's become or the latter: time.

Time heals all wounds.

Soon my therapy will be running outside again, running really mellows a person out. Or just exhausts all your energy.

Physical activity and these forums, life savers.

[Rose Tiger]

Ah, but what about the third part, making sure we don't get involved with the same sort in the future.  I had quite a few of these relationships before I started looking at my part, my upbringing and family history to get some total healing. 

[afterdeath]

I've definetly have been trying to do self maintenance on personal inventory.

I really didn't have a bad upbringing at all, loving parents still together.

My only problem is low self esteem and depression.

it's hard to identify a relationship like this until you go through it, looking back now I see all the flags, but this girl was some one I got to know first for almost two years before we started dating, she hid things extremely well that would only come to surface after her cracks would come down the pipe line.

I don't believe I'll be victim again as I will keep my boundaries in place, but I am working on my self esteem issues and depression.

[Rose Tiger]

I think general invalidation as a kiddo can cause some future troubles.  Parents do the best they can but sometimes things can go a bit off track.  It's not looking to blame them but to see where the areas or possible cases of trauma lie.  I'm glad you are doing this at 25 versus, say (gulp) 50. 

[mango_flower]

It's difficult to see how your life is bigger than what the two of you had.

But it is It's taken me ages to get there, and my friends kept saying "Your life is so much bigger than M!" and I was like "no it's not *sob*". But getting away for a few days to a foreign country REALLY helped me realise what a big world it is, and she is just one person.

I hope you did have a good day in the end.  And like somebody else said, I am glad you're doing this at 25.  You have many years of awesome things ahead.  I hope you'll still drop in from time to time after all this is done with, and let us know how great things are going for you x

[afterdeath]

It's difficult to see how your life is bigger than what the two of you had.

But it is It's taken me ages to get there, and my friends kept saying "Your life is so much bigger than M!" and I was like "no it's not *sob*". But getting away for a few days to a foreign country REALLY helped me realise what a big world it is, and she is just one person.

I hope you did have a good day in the end.  And like somebody else said, I am glad you're doing this at 25.  You have many years of awesome things ahead.  I hope you'll still drop in from time to time after all this is done with, and let us know how great things are going for you x

Thank you both, I'll be here for a while to come yet, even after I heal I will try to help others recover after I find my way out of the maze.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

[levi]

Afterdeath, Happy Happy birthday, go out with your friends and enjoy your birthday, you can do whatever you want to do. Xxx

[afterdeath]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

Let me explain my "dates" ... .  I either go to a movie or dinner with a girl, hardly feel a thing, and take them back home feeling emptier than ever.

I've had three "dates" in seven months, two with same girl who knows we won't ever be in a relationship, more just friends with broken hearts trying to exhume what fun we can out of our lifeless bodies, the other girl? A friend who I felt nothing for and she jumps in and out of relationships like the seasons change.

This is not an actual date scenario for me, there is no excitement, no connection, nothing... .  might as well be with my dog, she gets more from me than a girl has since my ex.

Yes I'm wounded, but maybe if I throw myself to the lions I'll learn how to stand and fight in the arena again.

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

[Suzn]

Happy birthday afterdeath!

Let me explain my "dates" ... .  I either go to a movie or dinner with a girl, hardly feel a thing, and take them back home feeling emptier than ever.

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way afterdeath.    Anyone can feel this way after a breakup. These are all topics a therapist may be able to help you work through, and at seven months maybe consider how you are worth the time to look deeper into these feelings.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

[afterdeath]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

To be quite honest you're right. I'm not ready at all. I dream of her every single night and I still miss her to the point of tears.

It's society and people repeatedly telling me to move on and get over it pushing me in to this too fast before I'm ready.

I honestly don't believe I'll find any one now, because I don't really want to, she was the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

If you've seen the new God of war promo, it eerily strikes a similar chord to me.

In it you see a little girl break away from her mother and race through soldiers up a hill to meet a man standing on top of the hill. This man was her father, he picks her up and as they are smiling she disintegrates in his arms and her Ashes paint his skin white. He falls to the ground on his knees and starts to remember the times with his wife and daughter and becomes increasingly sad and angry, he starts to tremble and shake until his full rage just takes over ass the soldiers close in on him.

I feel like that God of war promo, they are gone forever stained on my body and I just grow angrier as the world closes in on me.

I can't have her back so what's the use of staying pitiful and depressed, at some time I must move on from this, because she already has. Sadly another person won't fill the void and I realize it's up to me, the world and life will not wait for my recovery, so I must mend wounds with what I have left until I find the cure.

[HarmKrakow]

I saw in your previous posts that you are already dating again. Aren't those frantic efforts to fight the emptiness / loneliness in your life rather than detaching constructively? As from these posts in this topic it's clear you aren't detached yet, it still hurts majorly, and you still maintain with a lot of questions ...

I'm hurt, she moved on instantly, why can't I?

I miss friendship, love, I miss it all. Nothing fills this void, nothing.

What a joke I've become.

I can't even talk to a girl seven months later while she was having sex with the replacement before she pushed me out

I'm pathetic, don't even feel like a man anymore. What is my purpose now?.

To suffer? Blah!

Because it might pull you back more than you ever realize. If you are still this broken there must be other ways to fix it. Otherwise you might end up with lifelong scars ... the problem is ...

FRANTIC searching to filling this void will only make it deeper ...

To be quite honest you're right. I'm not ready at all. I dream of her every single night and I still miss her to the point of tears.

It's society and people repeatedly telling me to move on and get over it pushing me in to this too fast before I'm ready.

I honestly don't believe I'll find any one now, because I don't really want to, she was the only one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

If you've seen the new God of war promo, it eerily strikes a similar chord to me.

In it you see a little girl break away from her mother and race through soldiers up a hill to meet a man standing on top of the hill. This man was her father, he picks her up and as they are smiling she disintegrates in his arms and her Ashes paint his skin white. He falls to the ground on his knees and starts to remember the times with his wife and daughter and becomes increasingly sad and angry, he starts to tremble and shake until his full rage just takes over ass the soldiers close in on him.

I feel like that God of war promo, they are gone forever stained on my body and I just grow angrier as the world closes in on me.

I can't have her back so what's the use of staying pitiful and depressed, at some time I must move on from this, because she already has. Sadly another person won't fill the void and I realize it's up to me, the world and life will not wait for my recovery, so I must mend wounds with what I have left until I find the cure.

Mate, I am in the exact same position. Ive lied in bed the entire sunday, doing nothing else besides crying and just lying in bed and falling a sleep so now and then. I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

[susanleona]

This moving on is dog~ hard.  There are days when yes, it gets better, and then there are days when you can't hack it at all. It's Red Queen stuff.  And if the NC is broached by a contact it's a setback. 

[Suzn]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

[HarmKrakow]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

I'm seeing a T indeed, since the hatred phase started in October and it ended not to long ago. Those months in between have been draining all the energy, self dignity and self confidence away till a point where there was nothing left. Nothing. And since that period, I feel what you just read there.

I don't feel suicidal. However I don't feel a will to live. A passion to wake up. Even when I was alone, I had my little cat, but he died last december (15 years old) and I remember my ex telling me, his time had come and that she could not understand how I could get so attached to an animal. It's not like i'm looking for a way out, i'm seriously not, I just want to dissolve and get rid of this mental pain. But that spark in your body and head, that spark to do something, to fight for something. To have a goal in your life. To climb the mount everest, to clean your house, or even such a little thing like shopping. I don't have any, and even the littlest ones take 1) so much energy with 2) no satisfaction.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay, but that during that 'hatred' phase I staid on board to long of this train and every time I got to him I cried with words about her that I could not understand what she was doing to me. And every time he said, why stay on board? Until it ate my 'plate empty'.

I unfortunately don't have a big support network to fall back on to.

[afterdeath]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

Harm, I understand you completely, how long has it been for you? For me it's been seven months, in the first two I lost 15 pounds immediately because if not eating and just working and sleeping.

I slept for 12 hours lastnight as yesterday was a bad day emotionally, it's an escape from reality and she is there waiting for me in my dreams.

I say let it hurt instead of repressing, let it out so you can let it go. I cried alot in the beginning as well. Now I cry rarely.

As I've told others who seem to hurt on my level, there's only one thing we can do, revenge. And the best revenge: to live the best and most happy life you can.

The only thing keeping me motivated and going is that I'm going to make sure she regrets ever taking advantage of me.

I'm working out, gaining lean mean muscle mass, I'm fixing whatever BS issues she accused me of, and I will come out of the Ashes a better man, a Phoenix from the Ashes.

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

Anyway, let it hurt, don't get fired, and you will hit a point where you will tell yourself enough is enough and you'll be able to be you again.

Nobody will love her as much as me, and I fear being alone without her now, but if I have to hurt, then I'm going to make sure next time she sees me, she will hurt equally as much when she realizes what a dumb mistake she made.

We can only accomplish this by bettering ourselves and not only returning to form, but exceeding it.

[Suzn]

I totally get it, been there. I went through a bout of deep depression 2 years ago. It lasted about 3 months, everything you describe is how I felt. I got up, went to work, cried at work (I work alone a lot so that helped) and I cried when I got home. It was awful.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay

When we are going through all of this things can change. I'm not sure what "all the tests" means however your description of what you're feeling right now is not "all is okay." I would encourage you to make a call to him and let him know how you're feeling right now to see if he may suggest looking into meds to help you through the rough patches. Or maybe he just needs to see you more often.

Here's the hard part. I had to force myself do something. Make myself go for a walk, or call a friend, etc... even if I cried the whole time my friend visited me. (that happened, and that's ok) Can you call a friend or family member just to get out for a bit, or take a walk?

[HarmKrakow]

I cried so much today it was berserk. Tried to have dinner, some Chicken Hawaii, 25 minutes later I was in bed, crying again and I puked out everything.

Am I over her? I don't see the point in continuing man, I feel so     ing energyless. The problem is, I've had r/s before, and when they broke, i ALWAYS had something else to focus on, and ofc. those break ups also hurted but I had something on the side I could work on. A goal in career, a goal in sports or study. SOMETHING.

Now I don't feel jack ~ and all I do is cry during the weekend and work during monday and friday (and cry on the toilets... )

F*ck this 

Hey harmkrakow  

Man I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is depression. Are you seeing a T? I'm concerned here with some of what you said. Are you feeling suicidal?

Harm, I understand you completely, how long has it been for you? For me it's been seven months, in the first two I lost 15 pounds immediately because if not eating and just working and sleeping.

I slept for 12 hours lastnight as yesterday was a bad day emotionally, it's an escape from reality and she is there waiting for me in my dreams.

I say let it hurt instead of repressing, let it out so you can let it go. I cried alot in the beginning as well. Now I cry rarely.

As I've told others who seem to hurt on my level, there's only one thing we can do, revenge. And the best revenge: to live the best and most happy life you can.

The only thing keeping me motivated and going is that I'm going to make sure she regrets ever taking advantage of me.

I'm working out, gaining lean mean muscle mass, I'm fixing whatever BS issues she accused me of, and I will come out of the Ashes a better man, a Phoenix from the Ashes.

Anyway, let it hurt, don't get fired, and you will hit a point where you will tell yourself enough is enough and you'll be able to be you again.

Nobody will love her as much as me, and I fear being alone without her now, but if I have to hurt, then I'm going to make sure next time she sees me, she will hurt equally as much when she realizes what a dumb mistake she made.

We can only accomplish this by bettering ourselves and not only returning to form, but exceeding it.

The hate phase has been started since October 2012, the ending sort of, as it was through mail, was just a week ago. The only thing I do is work out, I ran 10km this morning. Thats about it. The rest in bed and by far one of the worst days in a long time. I puked out my food man, pfft.   So much crying for an adult man, it's ridiculous. Alone in bed, and just wool around and crawl around and try to cover yourself. Other than that I also spoke to no one else besides a short talk with my father. Besides that nothing.

I try not to get fired but unfortunately they of course have noticed and already had conversations about; where do we move onward from here?

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

For me this is hard to believe for myself as I think, I am not better. Why? Because I tried all I could for months and it was never enough, every day giving more caused more distance. And ofcourse the bucket of ~ which went over my head as the constant words, it's not enough, it's not doing it ... I don't feel secure harm.

[Suzn]

Harmkrakow, here's what I see from what you've said. You always had distractions before. Emotions don't have a time limit. When we don't "deal" with them they sit and wait. (sometimes just under the surface) Something happens, we become stressed, and bam we are triggered, an old emotion comes out to the forefront. It sounds as though you are "feeling" those. The crying, it hurts, it sucks, but it's a healthy part of your recovery. You are grieving and this is what grieving feels like. It will change, emotions are fluid, once it flows through you, you will be on the other side. It will get better. 

I'm glad to hear you are running. Will you talk with your T about this?