Travelling, gifts and sadness - venting

[Tormenta]

Hi!

Just venting again. It´s one month and one week after he broke up with me in my birthday... .   

I have to see my BPDexbf at work so it´s LC but still, it´s really hurtful. I´ve written some posts and thanks for the replies.

This weekend he sent me some emails with links to things I like. And yesterday he didn´t want to talk to me at work. During the afternoon, he wrote me saying that at work I was very angry with him and he didn´t know what to expect.    Projection, I guess.

To let things go and be in peace I said that I want him to be kind and show the good person that he is and understand that I am suffering very much and I have suffered a lot after his break ups with me.

He said: "I didn´t mean to hurt you, it´s not on purpose" I replied: "OK, it´s OK, I understand, don´t worry. I guess you had your reasons and feelings to break our r/s. I hope we could be friends, anyway."

I wasn´t being honest because... .  I only want to stay friends to recycle and go back with him. I don´t want to but I want to. 

I was sad and bitter because he is not good for me. And wow today... .  he was nice and sweet and looking at me as he used to. We had fun and he was near me and flirted. We even went shopping together and then he gave me a gift he had bought. Something I really love! 

So I was happy - I´m not proud because I want to dettach. But then I asked what is he going to do during the next holidays. I want to go somewhere and travel and I was begining to think, althought I don´t want to, that we could go somewhere... .  have fun... .  that life is short... .  - and he said that he was looking for tickets because he wants to take free days and spend a month abroad alone.

I was sad - so sad... .  and alone... .  

I realized it´s time to travel by myself again!  :'(   I used to like that very much - I was a lonely girl. Now I am a lonely woman.

And at the end he said: "OK, let´s see... .  because I don´t know if you can give me a nice place to go as I´ve been travelling a lot... .  and also you know that I don´t make plans until the last minute... .  so you´ll have to wait... .  "

[HarmKrakow]

Hi!

Just venting again. It´s one month and one week after he broke up with me in my birthday... .   

I have to see my BPDexbf at work so it´s LC but still, it´s really hurtful. I´ve written some posts and thanks for the replies.

This weekend he sent me some emails with links to things I like. And yesterday he didn´t want to talk to me at work. During the afternoon, he wrote me saying that at work I was very angry with him and he didn´t know what to expect.    Projection, I guess.

To let things go and be in peace I said that I want him to be kind and show the good person that he is and understand that I am suffering very much and I have suffered a lot after his break ups with me.

He said: "I didn´t mean to hurt you, it´s not on purpose" I replied: "OK, it´s OK, I understand, don´t worry. I guess you had your reasons and feelings to break our r/s. I hope we could be friends, anyway."

I wasn´t being honest because... .  I only want to stay friends to recycle and go back with him. I don´t want to but I want to. 

I was sad and bitter because he is not good for me. And wow today... .  he was nice and sweet and looking at me as he used to. We had fun and he was near me and flirted. We even went shopping together and then he gave me a gift he had bought. Something I really love! 

So I was happy - I´m not proud because I want to dettach. But then I asked what is he going to do during the next holidays. I want to go somewhere and travel and I was begining to think, althought I don´t want to, that we could go somewhere... .  have fun... .  that life is short... .  - and he said that he was looking for tickets because he wants to take free days and spend a month abroad alone.

I was sad - so sad... .  and alone... .  

I realized it´s time to travel by myself again!  :'(   I used to like that very much - I was a lonely girl. Now I am a lonely woman.

And at the end he said: "OK, let´s see... .  because I don´t know if you can give me a nice place to go as I´ve been travelling a lot... .  and also you know that I don´t make plans until the last minute... .  so you´ll have to wait... .  "

I read ...

Frustration - anger - despair - hope - (false) happiness - frustration - worse anger and loneliness - confrontation - ... .  reality?

You swift or seem to swift between a lot of emotions at the same day, within hours sometimes. I can relate to that as I did that with my ex, the problem is, you seek for reasons which keeps you guys together. You try to fire that little bit of hope in every sensible option you can think of, of still to do something together.

Why? Because you don't want to cut that 'final' tie, that final rope that final goodbye. (Neither do I btw :P)

And you know what I also think, is that that behavior might only push you guys further away as ever.

[mango_flower]

It's so difficult when you're in that stage of your head accepting what has happened but your heart wishing for it all to be ok again. 

The constant ups and downs are cruel, even if not intended.

Make your own plans.

I got away for 4 days with a friend, to Poland, and it was great.  It made me see that the world is a bigger place than my ex.

xxx

[HarmKrakow]

It's so difficult when you're in that stage of your head accepting what has happened but your heart wishing for it all to be ok again. 

The constant ups and downs are cruel, even if not intended.

Make your own plans.

I got away for 4 days with a friend, to Poland, and it was great.  It made me see that the world is a bigger place than my ex.

xxx

I did the same, also 4 days, also to that country, unfortunately, well, that didn't help for obvious reasons knowing I was so close to her. It all makes me believe, that trips like that, putting your nose 24/7 in work, etc. Are not ways to get yourself better but to stick your head further in the sand hoping you get that 'eureka' moment when you will wake up.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I tend to believe more and more that I have to face these     ed up lonely days, sad days, crying, weekends of complete solitude, with just me, my house, my room, my tears and 2 slices of bread in order for me to shake me awake. It's like I want a concussion in my head, to get everything rambled back to the place it once was.