New Here

[bltt1]

It's been over 2.5 months and I still can't stop thinking about her.  I did everything for this girl.  She was obsessed with me.  I don't know what was true and what wasn't.

[Mutt]

Hi bllt1 



I'm sorry your going through this.

What where things that you did and how were you treated?

It helps to talk.

[going places]

Totally agree with talk... .even if you tell the same story 100 times, talk.

So many here have been where you are. Glean from them to help yourself move forward!

[bltt1]

Part 1

It all started about a year ago... .

   March 2014, I was 2 months shy of my 30th birthday.  Up until then I was doing very well to anyone on the outside looking in.  I had my MBA and professional credentials by 26.  I joined a start-up that ended up succeeding right out of undergrad at 23.  I drove a nice car and lived in a great condo with some amazing views. I had a great girl that I had been dating for around 2.5 years at that point.  We had just gone on an incredible central american vacation a few months before.  She was very kind and giving and one of the nicest people I have ever met.  But there was an element of passion that was missing for me in the relationship.

With the prospect of turning 30 looming, I started to feel more and more that she wasn't the one for me long term and I should get out there and find someone (or just be single) that fired me up on all cylinders before it was too late.  So I broke it off and started focusing on myself.  I was hitting the gym regularly and eating healthy and performing well at work. 

After a few months of being single and not feeling like I met any girls I want to spend more than a night with, I started feeling unfulfilled.  It all kind of culminated after my big birthday celebration when I felt very alone the next day.  It was at that point I decided I wanted her back.  She really cared about me and was truly an honest person.  I loved her and thought I could make it work and deal with the issues that I had with the relationship.  I knew she would be drama free as always was and would be a solid partner.

She didn't see it that way.  I had really hurt her and she needed to move on.  We were on and off for the next couple of months with the end result being off.  She was always very honest with me and I understood exactly why we couldn't be together.  It really hurt but it made sense.  Towards the end of it I ended up getting a puppy to try and take my mind off of it and to also show her I could do something else besides work.  But in the end, we both needed to move on.  She even agreed to come to a joint therapy session that I believe gave both of us a lot of closure.  There was nothing left to reconcile.  It hurt but it all made logical sense to me.

And so the reason why I'm on this site begins... .

It was around the time I was in the very ending stages of the relationship I just described.  It was a Sunday and I decided to take my brand new little puppy out for a walk and grab a drink outside at a local bar.  We take a seat at an outside table and the pup curls up for a nap.  I order a drink and try and relax and take my mind off of everything that's going on and grab some sun.  I take a gander around the bar and notice a couple girls sitting at a counter that is kind of half inside, half outside, but was facing my direction.  One of the 2 instantly caught my attention.  She was drop dead gorgeous.  A 10/10.  I was like "Holy ___, how do I figure out how to talk to this girl."  I swear every time I looked over there for the next 20 minutes it seemed as if she was checking me out.  We made eye contact a few times.  But she was enjoying champagne with the other girl (which ended up being her sister) and I had the dog.  I decided I was going to leave and couldn't really figure out how to approach her.  I bent down to untie the dog from the table and as I was standing up... .

"Hi, can I pet your dog?"

It was her! Standing 5 inches from my face.  We talked for a couple minutes and she told me her name and that she had just turned 22 and was a dentist (which I didn't really understand but just kind of went with it).  Then I got her # and left with the dog.  I waited a few hours to text her and we started flirting over text as I attempted to schedule our 1st date.  This was in August by the way.  It ended up being a couple weeks later.  We instantly connected.  She told me how she finished high school and college early and was out of dental school as a practicing dentist in her final year of residency.  She loved the fact that I was a business and numbers person and thought that we would compliment each other well.  It all seemed too good to be true.  Here was this bombshell 22 year old girl who was educated and was really into me for seemingly deep reasons. (Currently I'm almost 100% positive she only has a community college degree and is a dental assistant).  I decided I wasn't even going to try and kiss her on the first date because I wanted to be a gentleman. As the night went on, we went to a few different restaurants/bars, only drinking lightly.  I remember her telling me of some party she was going to in a couple weeks and that she really wanted me come.  She seemed very interested and it felt great.  I walked her to her car at the end of the night and went to give her a hug goodbye when to my surprise, she went for the kiss and we ended up have a great little make out session.

[bltt1]

Part 2

At this point I was still pretty upset about the last relationship, but was also happy that someone I was attracted to was into me. 

Time for the second date a week or two later. 

I invited her over for dinner.  My plan was to cook for her and not try anything besides kiss,  She brought over a couple bottles of wine which she said she had her staff pick up for her and I started grilling.  We had a nice dinner.  I let her know my bedtime was approaching and we had to wrap it up.  She asked if I could stay up a little later and I said sure.  She ended up initiating everything that happened next and at one point even asked me if I was ok with it.  Of course I said yes, but purposely waited a few seconds to do so. It was a great second date.  It was totally unexpected to sleep with her that night and I loved it.

For the 3rd date I wanted to bring her to a concert I really wanted to go to.  I had arranged for us to take a chartered bus to the show.  We had a great time at the concert.  Things were really going well.  We were both so into each other, dancing and kissing the entire time.  The plan all along was to head back to my place and do brunch in the morning.  On the bus ride home at around midnight she let me know that she had decided she wanted to go home and take a 2 hour nap and then drive to see her family 2 hrs in the middle of the night.  She said she had a family thing all of a sudden.  None of it made sense to me at the time and I tried to get her to stay or to come with her to her place for a little.  I ended up getting off the bus and she took it home.  We talked on the phone later that night and she said she planned on going home and then coming back Sunday to hang out.  I never saw her Sunday and she pretty much stopped communicating with me after that.

I figured it was probably because I acted needy on the bus by wanting her to stay. But now I feel that her actions were a little ridiculous.

The next week she canceled for a mid week date and then we did't really talk for a couple weeks.

I was about to write it off when I got a late night text from her one weekend.  I was out with friends so I didn't respond until the next day.  I thought "Wow, if I'm going to land this girl, I'm going to really have to create some attraction here."  So I hatched a plan to invite her to a company retreat I had coming up.  I wanted the invitation to come off as if I was ambivalent if she came or not.  I've since deleted our text history, but it went something like this:

Me:  I may have an extra spot on a work retreat to xxxx this weekend

Her: O ya?

Me:  Ya, I forgot I get a + 1.  All expenses paid

Her: I'm in

I didn't even have to ask.  She was in and she was pumped to go.  I wasn't even sure if she would be there when I drove to pick her up but I thought what the hell.  So I dropped the top and headed over to the address she gave me.  She came out smiling and dropped her bag in my car and we were off.  It was truly an amazing weekend.  Lots of time in the sun and in our hotel room.  During the trip she said a couple of interesting things.

1. She suggested she wanted to be in a relationship with me.  This was essentially our 3rd date and she had just blown me off for 2 weeks.  I wasn't ready quite yet for that.

2. She said that the reason she was upset with me from the night of the concert was because I didn't force myself to go with her.  This made no sense to me but I went with it.

I had a week long trip to Europe planned 2 weeks later with a couple friends.  The next weekend after the retreat I took her out to a really nice dinner and she spent the night.  It was great.  I also told her about Europe then.  We still weren't official but it was looking more and more like we would be at some point soon.  I think she went home to see her family the next weekend and I was leaving for Europe the following Thursday. 

She expressed multiple times how she just had to see me before I left for my trip.  We made plans for her to come over Monday night after work.  She texted and said she was coming over soon at around 6pm.  I picked up some dinner for us and then never heard form her the rest of the night.  When I woke up in the morning I had a text from 2am that read "Sorry I got home to change clothes and I just fell asleep".  To a rational person this made zero sense.  Who doesn't text and say they're not going to be able to make it?  I kid you not, the exact same thing happened each of the following 2 nights.  For 3 nights straight I was sure I was going to see her and she was sure she was coming down and then completely disappeared.  Of course she started texting me again rapidly on Thursday as I was on my way to the airport.  Safe to say, I couldn't get my mind off of her the entire trip.  She was so sexy and it drove me crazy that I couldn't explain her actions before I left.  About half way through the trip I decided I wanted to try and make her my girlfriend.  Maybe then she would be more punctual.  Maybe then I would experience the things all the time that I only got glimpses of.

[Mutt]

You were at a fork in the road, you were hitting 30 soon. I can relate feeling a crisis at that age. You felt bad for breaking up with your girlfriend because you felt you may be missing out and wanted to fire on all cylinders as you say. You regretted breaking up and felt bad and she wanted to move on. It's depressing.

You saw an attractive woman at a local pub and she approached you - there's a certain electricity with a person with BPD. You went out and it became intimate quickly. She was then indifferent; cold for a couple of weeks.  You didn't want to let an attractive girl getaway and invited her to a company retreat. By the third date she wanted a relationship.

There's a push / pull behavior. Did you find out what she was doing during her disappearing acts?

[bltt1]

Part 3

So I got back from Europe.  While I was there she sent me a cute message or two, nothing special.  I got back midweek and took a couple days to recover.  We were supposed to go to a country concert that Fri night.  I got zero reply to any of my texts when after I got back and ended up going to the concert with friends.  It was really weird.  Then on Sat. night I texted her something funny like "Are we in a fight?  You take the kids and I'll have the ferrari".  All of a sudden she immediately responded with "Yes love".  I let her know I wanted to talk and we planned to meet the next night.  At this point I wanted to make her my girlfriend and I was looking forward to the talk.  Sunday night came around and I bought some flowers and kept them in my truck.  We met up around 7pm and went for a walk on the beach.  She said she was blowing me off because I was being non-committal and I let her know I was ready to be her boyfriend and could see myself falling in love with her at some point.  So we made it official, walked to my car, I busted out the flowers to her surprise and all was good.  Before I dropped her off we planned a Vegas trip to celebrate.  We planned to see each other next later that week.

Our date that week went really well.  Then we went out together for Halloween which was also fun.  That next Sunday we planned to watch football together but then I didn't hear form her until around 8pm.  She said she was around 10 mi. away and she sounded drunk and wanted me to pick her up.  I went and took her back to my place and this was the first time she told me she loved me.  She wouldn't stop. "I love you"  "I love you so much"  etc... .  I thought "wow, really?"  but I think I said it back to her as well.  I didn't want to upset her.  Over the next week she wouldn't stop about how she wanted me to meet her family and be there for thanksgiving and christmas.  About how finally I was a guy she could bring around.  I also learned that she had a long-term ex that she lived with for a period of time that proposed to her and still still drives by her house on a regular basis.  But she said she blocked his number.  I remember thinking "___, is this what she does to guys?"

So we flew to Vegas.  I went all out.  Got the best suite on the strip, show tickets, clubs, the whole 9.  It was phenomenal.  We were obsessed with each other.  One of the best trips of my life.  At one point I caught her staring into my eyes and asked what was up to which she replied "You know when you love someone more and more and they just get better looking and you're more and more attracted to them?"  It was a great feeling, one I'll never forget.  

Then on the flight back she posted a picture of us on social media to which one of my friends commented.  Right after we landed the picture was gone.  I brought it up and she said it must be data connection issues.  Lies.  She 100% took it down for some reason.  It was hard for me to let that one go that night because I knew she was lying.  She turned it back on me and said that I had trust issues.

The next week or was good and we planned another trip to a destination a little further away.  After that she started making a lot of jealous comments.  Like she didn't even want me communicating with any other girls because they all supposedly had an agenda.  One night she said she was grabbing a bite with her friend's boyfriend and that I would pick her up in an hour or so.  She texted me how much she loved me and then when it was time to pick her up I couldn't get a hold of her.  When I finally reached her, she had decided to go to 2 different bars to get drinks with this guy.  I ended up picking her up from the second bar and I asked her how she would react if I did the same thing.  Her response was that she would cut my balls off.  I also let her know that for me it was all about communication.  If she would have just let me know she decided to grab some drinks and was going to be late, I would have been fine with it.  She was not happy at all that would bring such things up but ended up getting over it and we had a good night.  Truthfully, the double standard bothered me a lot as well.            

[bltt1]

I'll continue with part 4 in a bit.  But no, I never had any idea what she was up to.

[bltt1]

Part 4

The time leading up to our next trip wasn't all bad.  We had some really amazing weekends and the intimacy had developed into something that was really next level.  But there was Thanksgiving.  She was supposed to come to my family's house and then bailed 3 hours before.  Then there was the time she went home to see her family and was driving back on a Sunday.  I texted her early in the afternoon asking when she was planning on driving back and I didn't get a response until 3 am.  All the time I was still hearing the same "I love you's" when we were together.  I also moved her twice during this time, busting my ass helping her out.  Then there was the time when she called me as she was leaving work letting me know she was coming to my house for dinner.  She works max 45 min away.  This was before 6:30pm.  I call her at 7 to take her food order.  She ends up showing up at 8:15 and says she got off at a certain exit and went to Target.  There is no Target anywhere near where she was.  The dinner had gotten cold and she was very upset with me that I had brought anything up.  Again all I conveyed to her was that if she would have communicated with me that she was running late like a normal person, there wouldn't have been an issue.  I thought I could get her to change.  After an hour or so we were both over and ended up having a good night.

So it was time for our next trip.  As we were heading to the airport she let me know that she deactivated her facebook because some guy from back home was creeping her out (not true).  I didn't react but thought it was weird.  The first couple nights of the trip went well but on the second as we were trying to meet up with some friends of mine from college she seemed really upset.  I asked her what was going on and she told me it was really bothering her that I was texting my college friend who happened to be a girl, that we were about to meet.  The next night was the main event.  It was a sports game that we came up there for.  Right as the game was about to start I remember her hand being on my inner thigh as it was all the time and her whispering in my ear "Babe I love you so much" and then giving me a kiss.  I felt great.  This why we made the trip.  This is what I spent all that money for and coordinated everything.  Here I was watching my favorite team play on the road with the girl that I loved. 

5 seconds later just as the game is getting underway, I look over and she is texting her ex.  I was not happy to say the least.  I let her know about the double standard she had and that this game was the reason for our trip etc... .  Instead of apologizing she was furious and shut off.  The rest of the night was weird as she seemingly didn't want to have anything to do with me.  Was this the same girl that was confessing her love for me hours before? 

The next morning was even worse.  Last day of our vacation and if I got within 3 feet of her she flipped out.  She started lashing out at me saying really hurtful things.  I didn't understand how things all of a sudden changed.  It's like how dare I question her about anything.  I wished more than anything at that point I didn't say anything about her texting her ex.  It's almost like I should have either not said anything and pretended not to care or I should have realized that if i decide to bring something up I should be ready to stand my ground.  Like going into battle.  The flight home was awkward.  Then 45 minutes after we had been back she started telling me how great of a guy I was.  Then an hour later she just got up and went to her friend's pretty much unannounced. 

That next week she came over on Wed night I tried tried my hardest not to do anything that set her off and we ended up have a good time.  Then on Friday night she said she wanted to have a girls night.  I went out for happy hour and went to bed around 10. When I woke up the next morning I had all sorts of text messages from here like "If you're not answering me then I think we should break up because I know you're out partying".  I talked to her the next morning and let her know I was sleeping and then asked her how she got home and then she turned the whole thing around on me for be jealous.  The next night was my work christmas party which was really our last good night together.  Again she confessed her love for me.

The next day things were fine when I looked over and she had a weird look on her face.  I asked her what it was about and she said "You not going to like this, but my ex just sent me a picture of us"  I figured it would be a good time to have a talk with her about how I felt about all this communication with her ex and one other thing.  I learned that she reactivated her facebook right when we got back form the trip and posted an album of pictures from the trip, none of which I am in.  She then shared this album with her friends and blocked me from viewing it.  So I brought this stuff up to her and she apologized and said she was wrong for doing it.  But the rest of the day was uncomfortable.  I brought something up that bothered me and she shut off.

 

[bltt1]

Part 5

And now everything goes to ___.

I'd known her for 4 months and only met 1 of her friends.  Once I picked her up and she said her Mom had come to visit and was inside her apartment, but I couldn't meet her.  I never met anyone she supposedly worked with.

That next Tuesday were supposed to hang out, she cancelled.  Wednesday night she said she had a work party at a resort near her work, but it was only for work people.  She called me beforehand with more "I love you's" and whatnot and said she couldn't wait to come to my house after.  Around 10pm just as I was going to bed she let me know she would be there in half an hr.  I stayed up waiting for her but never heard form her the rest of the night.  I called and texted and wondered if she was ok.  The next morning she called and said she went home after the party to grab something and just fell asleep.  None of it made any sense.  She then said the party was at a restaurant right by my house and not at this resort. It's like she was so deep into some lie, I had no idea what was going on.  I thought it was alright though because we had solid plans for her to come over for dinner on Fri.  Then on Thursday night she had yet another "work party" and I was stressed and went to a bar with some friends.  I hadn't heard form her all day and she calls me at 10:30pm and is considering coming over but then gets mad at me because I'm out and decides not to.  I try and call her back several times as I leave the bar to no answer.

Now its Friday.  She's texting me all day about how she can't wait to come for dinner at 7.  7:10 rolls around and she calls: "You're going to hate me but, I just can't make dinner.  I need to go Christmas shopping."  This was my breaking point.  I told her I was driving over there and we needed to talk.  She got enraged and told me don't dare come.  When I got there I was torn a new one.  She really ripped into me calling me needy, clingy etc... .  Telling me I'm digging the knife even further.  She said I had to leave and that she was going somewhere but we would talk at 10.  I left and called her at 10.  Of course no answer.

Next things start to take a turn for the worse for me.

[bltt1]

Part 6

My life starts to unravel

She went home that weekend and I drank... .a lot.  This is something I've never done before.  I was scared I would never see her again.  The girl had practically moved in and had 60 pieces of clothing in all different places in my room and she wouldn't talk to me.  I didn't make it to work on Monday and kept drinking.  I was a mess.  Then Monday night she called and broke it off.  This was the same girl that was confessing her love for me so recently.  This was not logical.  It made no sense at all.  I lost control and drank my ass off Monday night and into Tuesday morning.  Next thing I know I'm in the hospital.  My room mate at the time had called my parents.  This was getting bad.  They get me to therapy.  Everyone's asking me a million questions, feeding me drugs.  It was horrible.  I literally didn't have a good night's sleep from 12/14-2/1.  They tried lexipro, seroquel, ambien, trazadone, klonopin, you name it.  Nothing made me feel any better.  After 9 days I finally mustered up enough strength to put all her stuff at my place into a bag.  Of course it was that night that she wanted to come over and talk.

When she saw her stuff in a bag she flipped.  I was not in a good place at this point after drinking so much and all those meds.  It was not a good night.  She stayed but it was not fun.  It the morning she took her bag. As all of this was going on I was flaky to work at best (very unlike me) and my room mate of 6 years asked me to move out.  A few days later she agreed to go to that same resort my original work retreat was at.  It hurts to write this right now.  We went for the night and actually had a really good time.  The "I love you's" were back and she even said she secretly like it when I came over to her house.  (I forgot to mention besides moving her, that was the only other time I was ever at her place).  I was not in a good place as I was still on the meds.  So we were back together.

Then she came over the next Tuesday Jan 6th. to cook dinner.  :)inner was fine and it was great to be around her again.  Then when we hit the couch to watch a show she didn't want to be near me.  She wouldn't tell me why and kept telling me to stay away.  Then she got into bed and I told her that I just want to have a good time and hang.  She went off... .calling me needy and telling me how she walks all over me.  I was in shock.  I tossed and turned all night and at 2am she got up and stormed out... . And I haven't seen her since.  

These last couple of months have been excruciating.  I miss her more than anything.  She was so beautiful.  I finally started sleeping again and I'm off the meds.  I moved.  I got the dog adopted.  I'm back at work.  But there is this huge void.   The last time I talked to her over a month ago she told me how she feels nothing for me.  This has been the worst.  I'm trying to recover but I can't get her out of my head.

[going places]

Thank you for sharing your story... .it's a whirl wind.

I have noticed a pattern / commonalities when people talk about these 'intense' relationships involving pwBPD or other PD;

1. The person is very attractive.

2. The person is love bombing

3. For men, they are looped in and captured because of the awesome sex they are having before they know the girls middle name... .

It seems women are 'sucked' into PD relationships w men because the men were smooth talking, and put on a good show that they are great providers of love, security, safety, etc... .all the things women have a deep yearning for, where men are 'sucked' into PD relationships with women because they are lured by the amazing sex.

The common thread here is that manipulation is the game.

Throw out the bait, hook 'em, reel them in.

You are so young... .so young.

Can you find a T - Counselor, someone who can show you "why" you chose this woman, and 'how' to (moving forward) make healthier choices?

You are so young and do not want to wreck your life, right in the prime of your life, with a destroyer.

Find a T or counselor that will help you obtain the  tools to make healthier life choices!

You will thank yourself for it, I promise.

[apollotech]

bitt1,

going places has given you very sound, wise, and applicable advice:

"Can you find a T - Counselor, someone who can show you "why" you chose this woman, and 'how' to (moving forward) make healthier choices?

You are so young and do not want to wreck your life, right in the prime of your life, with a destroyer.

Find a T or counselor that will help you obtain the  tools to make healthier life choices!"

The only thing that I would add is that you connect yourself to your community through charitable organizations. This is an assumption on my part and may be completely wrong, but your education/work provides you well with material/monetary gain, but seems to provide little in personal gain. I recommend that you begin doing volunteer work at a church, school, shelter, hospital, nursing home, etc. This will put you into contact with people in your community that truly need and appreciate your efforts. In effect, you will actually see the positive fruits of your works in another's life. Their gain will be tremendous, as well as your own.

[bltt1]

Thanks for reading my story.  These replies really help.

[richardson]

Thanks for reading my story.  These replies really help.

What I find most interesting is how they just completely blow people off, then say things like "Oh, i fell asleep" And this is even during the "love phase"... They initiate sex, intitate love, then come up with the "Oh sorry fell asleep"... I really am curious what the girl I was seeing was actually doing every time she pulled this.

Sometimes you can't wait to see them, make plans, then they just disappear last minute... Do not even bother to call. Mine would later say sge was "too scared" to see me as she was in love... .I guess yours said she did because you didnt make a committment... Who knows what they are doing or thinking.

I also have a BPD friend who used to date my best friend... .They were together every day for years... He unexpectedly had to leave to go to a funeral. That same night she called me to go out drinking... I went, and then she came on to me!  Her boyfriends best friend... I wouldn't let anything happened, but I was shocked...

Fast forward 10 years and she is now married with kids to a different man... She cheats on him every chance she gets... .Was caught cheating several times, but the guy is "stuck" as they have a family now.

Be glad you got out when you did... And by the way, the BPD I was seeing also lied about what her job was... I also never spent time at her house... .  It is like they have two lives...

[Copperfox]

Wow bltt1, interesting story.  Obviously painful, I'm sure.

It's funny how many BPD stories read like a script for trauma bonding.  I think that's exactly what you experienced (like many of us here), and why you are feeling the way you do now.

[Kaster21]

You need to run as fast as you can and as far as you can. You can't save someone who doesn't see they have a problem with themselves. Her interpersonal relationships will never thrive. I've dated one and they are a roller coaster of problems waiting to happen. Not including all of the domestic chaos you could go through or what they cause you. They can ruin your life and everything. My advice to you is to get a counselor and get the help you need. You didn't do anything wrong nor are you guilty for the way you feel. See this as her making you feelmguiotymfor every choice you made and you shouldn't. Keep your head up and seek help and do not take her back under any circumstances.