do you ever wish your X would read your posts here?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just wrote this on another thread:

(It occurs to me that sometimes I write here as if wishing he'd discover it.  At least I'd get it all said.  Sigh... .)   

If your X knew about this site and your pen-name,

How would you feel about it?

Would it relieve you in some way?

Would it change the way you write things?

Would you censor yourself?

(My X would proofread the posts for sure, complain that I use too many commas, and hit_ that it's too much to read.  And have tremendous disrespect for the self-examination in general.   Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- then he'd explode because he had been exposed -- after all, then the World would know Who He Is.)

It's very strange to write about this -- at first there's a sense of relief, then some post-traumatic stress comes up, via imagining a way that the openness and anonymity would be threatened.

This is a sacred space.  So grateful.

[innerspirit]

I just wrote this on another thread:

(It occurs to me that sometimes I write here as if wishing he'd discover it.  At least I'd get it all said.  Sigh... .)   

If your X knew about this site and your pen-name,

How would you feel about it?

Would it relieve you in some way?

Would it change the way you write things?

Would you censor yourself?

(My X would proofread the posts for sure, complain that I use too many commas, and hit_ that it's too much to read.  And have tremendous disrespect for the self-examination in general.   Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- then he'd explode because he had been exposed -- after all, then the World would know Who He Is.)

It's very strange to write about this -- at first there's a sense of relief, then some post-traumatic stress comes up, via imagining a way that the openness and anonymity would be threatened.

This is a sacred space.  So grateful.

[MxMan]

Nope. She's caused enough of her own hurt. I don't want to contribute to it any more than I have. I've not said anything on the boards that I haven't said to her in person, but I don't think she needs the affirmation of her illness. She is not her BPD. Her BPD is not her.

[rosebud]

I actually do censor myself a lot on here for that very reason.  His ego is so huge though, he'd probably think the post was about him... .reminds me of a song... .

Seriously, sometimes I type something out, think it may be too revealing, then delete it because I don't want to endure his psycho wrath anymore.  :)oesn't take much to trigger him.  I mentioned BPD during our break-up and his new fiancee is in another country, so he's got a lot of time on his hands.

[innerspirit]

I actually do censor myself a lot on here for that very reason.  His ego is so huge though, he'd probably think the post was about him... .reminds me of a song... .

Did he take his Lear Jet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun?

(Funny, mine did too.)

PS.  to Mxman -- thank you.   You help me realize how much I'm still in my own anger about it.  For reasons that were his and mine, there was so much I couldn't say to him, but still I need to separate the BPD from him.  And remind myself of how much pain he is projecting.  It's a challenge and an important one.

[rosebud]

I actually do censor myself a lot on here for that very reason.  His ego is so huge though, he'd probably think the post was about him... .reminds me of a song... .

Did he take his Lear Jet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun?

(Funny, mine did too.)

Why yes he did!

They'd probably get along famously ... .or fight to the death for the mirror.

[OriginalofSpecies]

Nah, it would be another thing for her to devalue, turn the tables, and make me think I was the uBPD... This is a safe haven for me, where I can look at others posts and threads and say to myself, Wow, I'm not f*&$ing crazy

[rosebud]

Nah, it would be another thing for her to devalue, turn the tables, and make me think I was the uBPD... This is a safe haven for me, where I can look at others posts and threads and say to myself, Wow, I'm not f*&$ing crazy

Right, and then there's that.

[turtlesoup]

My god no! We shared a lot of the same online space Im pleased I have a place she doesnt know about and can't stalk me on.

[Beast98]

That's an interesting question IS... .I'm split on this one. First I'd like her to see how her outragious behaviors are illustrated. but then again, I've written all of it or said it all to her before anyway, and it all turns into blah, blah, blah... .

[man34]

nope... .i have said the same things to her so many times... .good luck to her... .but we all need to concentrate about ourselves for a change... .x

[KMTTP]

Not really... .she would probably just become agitated, defensive and blame me for everything.  And to be honest... .there is nothing I have said on here that I did not tell her... .so it really would not matter.

[kly]

NO!

Still self censor just in case he lurks. 

I think most, if not all, pwBPD would go into deflective/avoidance mode if confronted.  That's what makes them BP.

[MxMan]

 

... .PS.  to Mxman -- thank you.   You help me realize how much I'm still in my own anger about it.  For reasons that were his and mine, there was so much I couldn't say to him, but still I need to separate the BPD from him.  And remind myself of how much pain he is projecting.  It's a challenge and an important one.

You're welcome. I think for me there's been less anger than sadness throughout the whole ordeal. But I certainly have had my moments. Even during the relationship and its ending, those rare few times where I did fly off the handle (and said some hurtful things) kinda sting now. It's not my way, typically. Not that I'm excusing her behavior. Just getting to a place where I am understanding my role a bit better. When I think of her these days I mostly feel sad for her, because now I understand her pain a little bit... .at least better than I did when I was in the eye of the tornado. Perhaps she can find her own peace some day. I do wish that for her.

[anker]

If he read this site, he would see himself in posts from a bunch of different people and would think I had a dozen usernames. That's how classic BPD his behavior is.

I don't care now either way. When I first came here I most wished for that so that he might understand how much I cared and how much hed hurt me.

I'm past that point now but I understand... .it passes in time it at least did for me.

[Rooster]

It's much more peaceful here without her.  The minute she read one of my posts, she'd get a login name and the havoc would start.

It's not like she'd read my posts and suddenly have some sort of revelation... .

[innerspirit]

I understand her pain a little bit... .at least better than I did when I was in the eye of the tornado. Perhaps she can find her own peace some day. I do wish that for her.

Same here for my X.

It's a challenge still to avoid splitting in response to him, or rather to my sense of having been with him.  I think I know who he could be if happy and at peace, because I was with that side of him too.  There's a lot of sadness under my anger.

But like Yosemite Sam, X's rage (and grief and anxiety and fear) caused him to shoot himself in the foot, every time.  The cartoon image would normally make me smile -- not tonight though.

Rooster -- well put, thanks for this:

It's not like she'd read my posts and suddenly have some sort of revelation... .

[DAS]

 My personal transition - the caring and deep concern I had for her while I posted on the Staying board - that I'd want her to read.

But ya - she gets embarrassed by people knowing the truth about her. She maintains a fabulous social mask with the rest of the world. So I am quite sure that she'd be pissed if she ever found here.

[Penguinectomy]

I don't think it would help.  He wouldn't understand it, and it would just feed his sense of victimhood.  He rewrites history to suit himself anyway, so I could type "asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;" for a page or two, for all the clarity or insight it would give him.

[redrover]

no way, she would be furious that I had DARED to speak of her outrageous behavior.

then sh ewould no doubt start contacting each and every member of this board  to inform them of just how horrible I am, and how she is an angel of lightness and so so wronged by me and so many others.

then she would most likely go into a rage at the hosue, it would NOT be pretty  

gawd, she just informed me on the weekend that " all of you spent the last year tryingn to convince me i was crazy, well it is not me, it is you "

yes, myself , numerous psychiatrists,psychologists , social workers , thereapists, councellors - we are ALL wrong

     ?   she is a lost cause

[Fruit Loop]

Got me scared now.  Can I change my name on this board?

[VB]

I want him to read everything I have said about him. I want him to read every bad thing he has done and said to me. Thing is, it wouldn't sink in, and he would deny it... .

[TonyC]

im pretty sure they would about themselves... and say ohh that person is horrible... glad im not like that... .

[VB]

im pretty sure they would about themselves... and say ohh that person is horrible... glad im not like that... .

Yup! That is exactly what he would say!

[innerspirit]

Got me scared now.  Can I change my name on this board?

Hey SDT -- I brought up the subject with no intent to make people worry about being discovered --- it's just to explore what a BP's (hypothetical) reaction might be to the content.

But if your anonymity is a concern, you can contact the staff --- there have been name changes done to protect against further snooping, etc.  As I understand it, with the excellent security we have, there is no access to the posts EXCEPT by another member of this website. 

In other words, if you googled a quote from a post, its source (this website) would never appear on the list of possibilities.

x

I.S.

[NHBeachBum]

I just wrote this on another thread:

(It occurs to me that sometimes I write here as if wishing he'd discover it.  At least I'd get it all said.  Sigh... .)   

If your X knew about this site and your pen-name,

How would you feel about it?

Would it relieve you in some way?

Would it change the way you write things?

Would you censor yourself?

I think if my exBPDgf ever read through my postings it would still not sink in. She just doesn't "get" how abrasive, abusive & immature she is. Nothing can ever be her fault so why bother? She wouldn't even read it and if she ever did, she would project everything back to me. Each and every time she acted inappropriate would somehow be "caused by me or who ever else that I wrote about". She's an endless pit of selfishness and everything has to be about her so my guess would be she would twist and distort every one of my postings.

I wouldn't censor or change anything. I've told her to her face how I felt about her, her illness, her alcoholism, everything.

Since she's been stalking me on and off the past 3 years, I would be totally creeped out if she was on this board!

-NHBB

[kly]

Anker:

f he read this site, he would see himself in posts from a bunch of different people and would think I had a dozen usernames. That's how classic BPD his behavior is.

Sad but true.  Probably for most of the pwBPD.  So many stories do seem interchangeable, don't they?  Which makes sense, because as nons--we're interchangeable (slot fillers) for so many pwBPD.

[sarah1234]

I wouldn't care if exbf read anything I have written, cos its nothing I haven't said to him before.

And he has a tiny, tiny insight recently into just what a mess he has made, and the price he paid for it (to lose me)

But because he would know it was all true, it would hurt him deeply (not that he hurt me) and he would likely go off on a bender binge drinking and decide its All My Fault 

[2010]

From the Ten Beliefs that get you stuck: Number 7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words….

People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly.

Most of what you are saying is being interpreted as dogmatic and hurtful. And the more insistent you become - the more hurtful it is - the less your partner feels “heard” - and the more communications break down.

Your BPD partner will not likely validate or even acknowledge what you have said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[innerspirit]

Yep, agreed.

To me, this is like a role-playing exercise in a therapist's office -- it's cathartic to write it as if it could become clear to X.  There's a subtle difference -- it's in learning that the clarity is mine to discover but releasing the need to make the actual connection with him.

I'm not saying I'm there yet, but I'm glad to find the words.

[sarah1234]

I am past shouting to be heard by him, this place is just for me