How do they replace us so quick?u

[diotima]

2010: I wouldn't describe myself as a narcissistic altruist! Far from it. As for what I shared with my ex, it isn't quite what you are saying. We shared academic work, writing projects, theater, film, political views, travel, music, food, chemistry--you name it. I wouldn't have put up with his crap for as long as I did were it not for a very broad spectrum of shared interests. It was the longest relationship he ever had, according to his daughter. I WAS the stronger person until he wore me down with his instability and splitting. He's gone! I am aware that my attention on my mother made him feel out of control, abandoned, and needy--but that's where my attention had to be. He chose that time to ask me what kind of wedding I wanted--while chasing another woman. @sshole. I feel sorry for his future ex's. Wish I could warn them. I would imagine he is getting to the splitting stage about now with gf #2 (at least) since me. gf #1 only lasted a month... .good riddance to the gaslighting and abuse, but I do miss what we shared together.

Diotima

[Beach_Babe]

I get what So Over It is saying... .never thought about it that way before, but yeah, its true.

The interims, or anyone who has limited exposure to the beast has little idea what they're really like

[whitedoe]

Everyone who gets involved with a Borderline gets hurt. This is an attachment disorder.  No one is better suited for the attachment than anyone else because the attachment itself is very fragile and very unstable.  What does happen though is that certain personalities think they are better equipped to handle the instability because of childhood schemas.

... .

When we project an idealized version of ourselves onto the Borderline we cannot help but get angry when he doesn't live up to our expectations of pure desire. In fact, it may be that our expectations are higher than other peoples and our disappointment and pain are proportional to the gap we see between Borderline fantasy and our reality.  For example, a pick-up having a one night stand will not have the same expectations of fulfillment as do our expectations of desire; true love.  Of course we are going to hold those expectations in high esteem and judge others for the lack of theirs. Instead of eliminating our expectations for the Borderline we channel our disapproval toward the other victims perceived lowered expectations, whether by thinking they deserve their fate worse than we do or they needed to be punished because they did not meet the standards that we have projected on to the Borderline.

The reality is that Borderline personality disorder is an equal opportunity abuser. This man's emotional immaturity is also responsible for his seeking variety rather than depth with women. Marked instability in interpersonal relationships is due to a false bond. Everyone suffers, even the "low-grade."  No one deserves abuse and yet no one escapes it. That makes us all equals whether we like it or not, especially when we realize that everyone ends up in the same place.

2010, I am interested in understanding how this "works" in the mind of someone suffering from both BPD and NPD. My ex was clearly both? ... .or if he was "just" BPD he had extremely strong NPD traits... .He has/had no empathy whatsoever... .His "cluelessness" was/is surreal... .It was honestly as though he had had idea how deeply he hurt me... .He would be so blatant and careless with his remarks and the man never apologized for anything ever... .I can't get my head around this type of "narcissism"... .All along, during our relationship, it was always all about him, always!

Can you help understand how he cannot know how hurtful his actions are/were... .Yes, he was in bed with another woman about 3 months after abruptly "dumping me" out of nowhere on Valentine's Day? It was as though he had a total "break down" that day and never looked back... .

I am shocked by his "ability" to love another so quickly? Seems bizarre and yet, not possible... .Yes, BPD? or NPD, too? To be perfectly honest, when I saw pictures of my ex's new love, I felt "relieved" that she is not attractive and a bit overweight... .Yes, this is very shallow of me, I do realize this... .It is my pain, deep hurt that thinks in this way... .I am certain that she has no idea what this man did to me... .I have no doubt that she is very nice and undoubtedly is being "idealized" and like me, feels that she has found true love... .My own "insecurity" tells me that he truly loves her and won't do the same things he did to me to her... .that he will "marry" her... .I guess I'm still so confused over how he maintained a faithful marriage for 25 years?


He recently called me to "check in" (first time I had spoken to him in 6 months and a major set back for me) and let me know that he is in love and "practically living with" a new woman? Aghhh... .Now, he wants for us to have a "friendship"... .and claims to "think of me" and the "awesome lovemaking" we had... .He went on the say that he'd like to see me but he knows how attracted he is to me?... .Huh? I have healed over that new wound thanks to the love and support from this board... .

He could not give me any explanations for his behavior on Valentine's Day... .he simply stated that he "couldn't go back there"? I told him that I have no closure but he couldn't offer me anything, no sensitivity for my feelings... .I am so utterly confused by this man... .

I am moving on with the help of a terrific therapist, trying to heal myself and find a new life for me... .

Can you help to understand what is going on in his mind? My therapist believes that he is both BPD and NPD and that his NPD traits are extreme. He is more "passive", not "grandiose" at all. I find that the more I understand the illness, the more "closure" I have... .Your posts have helped me so very much... .I would be so very grateful for any insights that you might have?

WhiteDoe

[Gladto be away]

2010, I am interested in understanding how this "works" in the mind of someone suffering from both BPD and NPD. My ex was clearly both? ... .or if he was "just" BPD he had extremely strong NPD traits... .He has/had no empathy whatsoever... .His "cluelessness" was/is surreal... .It was honestly as though he had had idea how deeply he hurt me... .He would be so blatant and careless with his remarks and the man never apologized for anything ever... .I can't get my head around this type of "narcissism"... .All along, during our relationship, it was always all about him, always!

Can you help understand how he cannot know how hurtful his actions are/were... .Yes, he was in bed with another woman about 3 months after abruptly "dumping me" out of nowhere on Valentine's Day? It was as though he had a total "break down" that day and never looked back... .

I am shocked by his "ability" to love another so quickly? Seems bizarre and yet, not possible... .Yes, BPD? or NPD, too? To be perfectly honest, when I saw pictures of my ex's new love, I felt "relieved" that she is not attractive and a bit overweight... .Yes, this is very shallow of me, I do realize this... .It is my pain, deep hurt that thinks in this way... .I am certain that she has no idea what this man did to me... .I have no doubt that she is very nice and undoubtedly is being "idealized" and like me, feels that she has found true love... .My own "insecurity" tells me that he truly loves her and won't do the same things he did to me to her... .that he will "marry" her... .I guess I'm still so confused over how he maintained a faithful marriage for 25 years?


He recently called me to "check in" (first time I had spoken to him in 6 months and a major set back for me) and let me know that he is in love and "practically living with" a new woman? Aghhh... .Now, he wants for us to have a "friendship"... .and claims to "think of me" and the "awesome lovemaking" we had... .He went on the say that he'd like to see me but he knows how attracted he is to me?... .Huh? I have healed over that new wound thanks to the love and support from this board... .

He could not give me any explanations for his behavior on Valentine's Day... .he simply stated that he "couldn't go back there"? I told him that I have no closure but he couldn't offer me anything, no sensitivity for my feelings... .I am so utterly confused by this man... .

I am moving on with the help of a terrific therapist, trying to heal myself and find a new life for me... .

Can you help to understand what is going on in his mind? My therapist believes that he is both BPD and NPD and that his NPD traits are extreme. He is more "passive", not "grandiose" at all. I find that the more I understand the illness, the more "closure" I have... .Your posts have helped me so very much... .I would be so very grateful for any insights that you might have?

WhiteDoe[/quote]
White Doe this is my ex as well. Same MO, he moved on within a day of us splitting though.

[whitedoe]

QUOTE: WhiteDoe

2010, I am interested in understanding how this "works" in the mind of someone suffering from both BPD and NPD. My ex was clearly both? ... .or if he was "just" BPD he had extremely strong NPD traits... .He has/had no empathy whatsoever... .His "cluelessness" was/is surreal... .It was honestly as though he had had idea how deeply he hurt me... .He would be so blatant and careless with his remarks and the man never apologized for anything ever... .I can't get my head around this type of "narcissism"... .All along, during our relationship, it was always all about him, always!

Can you help understand how he cannot know how hurtful his actions are/were... .Yes, he was in bed with another woman about 3 months after abruptly "dumping me" out of nowhere on Valentine's Day? It was as though he had a total "break down" that day and never looked back... .

I am shocked by his "ability" to love another so quickly? Seems bizarre and yet, not possible... .Yes, BPD? or NPD, too? To be perfectly honest, when I saw pictures of my ex's new love, I felt "relieved" that she is not attractive and a bit overweight... .Yes, this is very shallow of me, I do realize this... .It is my pain, deep hurt that thinks in this way... .I am certain that she has no idea what this man did to me... .I have no doubt that she is very nice and undoubtedly is being "idealized" and like me, feels that she has found true love... .My own "insecurity" tells me that he truly loves her and won't do the same things he did to me to her... .that he will "marry" her... .I guess I'm still so confused over how he maintained a faithful marriage for 25 years?


He recently called me to "check in" (first time I had spoken to him in 6 months and a major set back for me) and let me know that he is in love and "practically living with" a new woman? Aghhh... .Now, he wants for us to have a "friendship"... .and claims to "think of me" and the "awesome lovemaking" we had... .He went on the say that he'd like to see me but he knows how attracted he is to me?... .Huh? I have healed over that new wound thanks to the love and support from this board... .

He could not give me any explanations for his behavior on Valentine's Day... .he simply stated that he "couldn't go back there"? I told him that I have no closure but he couldn't offer me anything, no sensitivity for my feelings... .I am so utterly confused by this man... .

I am moving on with the help of a terrific therapist, trying to heal myself and find a new life for me... .

Can you help to understand what is going on in his mind? My therapist believes that he is both BPD and NPD and that his NPD traits are extreme. He is more "passive", not "grandiose" at all. I find that the more I understand the illness, the more "closure" I have... .Your posts have helped me so very much... .I would be so very grateful for any insights that you might have?

WhiteDoe

QUOTE lovelyepona

White Doe this is my ex as well. Same MO, he moved on within a day of us splitting though.


Lovelyepona, did you have any idea that your ex was a pwBPD (and NPD?) ... .before you were "dumped"? Were you completely traumatized by this? I wonder if I am handling this as others did? I feel like there is something "wrong" with me when I still have such "down" weekends... .It seems as tough I start to feel a little "better" but, just can't seem to completely "let go"... .The incongruence (his intense "loving me" and then "dumping me" out of no where) has me so lost at times... .I feel as though the pain will never end and I know it is all "me" at this point in time... .

WhiteDoe

[Gladto be away]

White Doe

   I'm only a lil over a month out. I still hurt, in some way I am hiding because the pain is so great.

This was suppose to be my best friend! When we first started dating we would sit and talk for HOURS! Then it suddenly quit. Like someone had flicked a switch. Then 8 months into the relationship he pulled some bs and I left. We still communicated because I loved him and had just recently admitted it. He begged me to come back, swore it wouldn't matter what was going on, he loved me and wanted me. I did and three days after I moved in I was never so in love with someone. I wanted to marry him, something I swore I would never do again. That same night he admitted to cheating after trying to get me to admit to cheating (something I didn't do). It broke my heart.

He then told me he did it to his ex wife too. I heard he did it to his girl before that. Same MO.

You can't beat yourself up over this. You have to let it go. Cry, bawl, get angry, punch your pillow and imagine its him. They aren't worth the sweat off our butt cracks. Nor are the really worth the tears we are shedding for our loss of them. I bet your worth ten of him!

[Zena321]

WhiteDoe and lovely , I am in similar circumstances just realized a few months back he shows both BPD and NPD leans more BPD but and never knew but unlike the 2 of you , I married him and was dumped out of nowhere over 5 and a half years ago and he has told me often he will never divorce me or get back with me . He has had a GF 3 years and she has been living with him over 2 and a half years and she knew since the day they met he was married so obviously he hooked her quickly and her self esteem must be pretty low if she stays with him where there are not even legal seperation papers filed after all these years ?

And an FYI I did meet her at his Mother and Fathers funerals they died less than a year into their relationship and she is less attractive and educated than I . Although he put her through school to do the same kind of job I had when we met ... .how degrading to her (in my eyes anyway) ...