Happy New Year

[spaceace]

Happy New Year to everyone.

I read somewhere, you are as ill as your secrets. Okay, so no more secrets. My wife, who left me and my children for the 3rd time, went completely NC on me on November 13. That was the last time we spoke. She called me and yelled at me and I refused to engage in a fight over the phone. I told her, I will talk again when you calm down and are rational. I would have never thought I would never hear or see her again.

Over the last month plus, I have texted her and emailed her every couple of days hoping for some form of response as to what was going on and why she was leaving again and why wasn't she answering me. I did send a text with a complimentary sexual reference, which I did to get a response. And boy did I get a response. It seems, that text took on a whole life of its own and is now one of the main reasons why we are heading for a divorce. I wanted to prove to myself she was reading my texts. She was!

So, over this time, I have continued to try and engage her in any form of contact and each and every time, I get responses like, I will file a restraining order. I don't love you. I hate you. Don't contact me. BUT, never a reason why this split initially happened.

The last text I sent, I asked if she would attend a festivity we had gone together over the last 4 years together with our kids on . She responded no. I was happy because I wanted to go with my kids. But I didn't leave well enough alone. I said back I hope she was not lying. That wasn't really needed or helpful. I know... but her response was the typical filing charges etc... .  then 4 hour later, she texts me again to tell me, if I respond to THIS text, she will be filing a restraining order on Wednesday. Okay, really? You send me a text to tell me not to respond and you will file a restraining order? So, I didn't respond. Enough games.

January 10th will be 2 months since we have been together. It's over. I know it is. We have never been apart this long.

It is hard. Trying to not think about her daily. Trying to not think about how I know her and why she splits. Knowing she has these wounds and I always treated them with respect. I never took advantage of her. I know more about her than I care to know, and I don't get why she wants love so badly, yet she is running away from me. It is heartbreaking and confusing. I am 47 years old. I want to have a good life with my wife and when I look back on it, we had 4 and half years together and they were amazing. But, when I scratch the surface a little, I actually know it was that amazing. There was always drama. There was always a chaotic issue that needed to be dealt with. No matter how much I kept my mouth shut, I was still wrong. It was difficult to say the least. Keeping my mouth shut in essence, was my form of not asking for anything in this relationship. And even that didn't help!

So really, after all this, why? Why do I still want her and miss her terribly? Why would i want to go back?

[bpdspell]

Happy New Year Spaceace,

You want your wife back because you're human.   You love her and you created a family with her. You have dreams and hopes of happily ever after like everyone else does. It just so happens that you are now in the valley; a bump in the road where you are forced to confront the reality of your relationship and evaluate the integrity of your marriage. It doesn't mean that your marriage is over but you will now have to consider what it means to be in love with a person who has a mental illness.

Is your wife diagnosed BPD? The best thing you can do is to learn about your wife's disorder and encourage her to seek assistance. You can not take the blame for her abandonment of you, her behavior, her tantrums or her desire to paint you as the enemy. I know you love her and want your family but once a person with BPD is triggered there is little you can do to control the chaos, drama, and reactionary impulses that come with BPD. Her behavior will never make sense to you; she's mentally ill and suffers from a detachment disorder that makes her fearful and untrusting of closeness and intimacy. You cannot fix this; only she can. There's no material thing you can purchase, or magical pill that can help make her see the light. She is sick and will act accordingly to her illness. It's not about you and it's not personal.

In the meantime how have you been taking care of yourself? Whether we're in relationship or not it's important to remember our own basic human needs of self-care that tend to get forgotten when involved in BPD love.

Spell