breaking down boundaries

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been thinking about several things my wife did to break down my boundaries. I think what happens with an udBPD and the non not knowing about this disease, we come to accept the breaking down of boundaries as a way to keep peace in our lives.

I remember when I was engaged, prior to my wife moving into the house I had built and lived in for 6 years, she came over on several weekends and wanted to clean up the house. Mind you, it was not dirty. What she wanted to do was clean out my closets and attic and purge my children's baby toys and things I had saved over the years. At first, I was enamored that she wanted to help clean up around my house. But then she dissected the things I had saved and wanted to throw nearly everything away. This caused a major rift.

We ended up fighting about how she had OCD and ADHD and she could not stand to live in a house as cluttered as mine. Let me state this, my house is over 3300 sq. ft. There was no clutter. We had vicious fights. I should actually quantify, she had massive anger and rage about my unwillingness to purge my house of all these mementos. And after numerous explosions and me trying to get her to climb back off the cliff, I eventually caved in.

Looking back, I really see this was the beginning of tearing me down and me allowing her to do it. I was not aware of boundaries like this because I never had experience with someone so adamantly crossing such boundaries.

I could go on and on about crossing boundaries and how I readily accepted it to keep peace. In the end, what difference does it make when someone had udBPD issues?

What difference it makes is, I think these pieces, the lack of boundaries and self respect we cave in with, causes us to lose bits and pieces of ourselves. And when it's all over, it is so hard to believe we actually let this happen, and we also have a hard time allowing to let it go and move on. It's all these pieces as they slowly come to make sense, is when I guess, we start to heal?

I am not sure about that. But I hope it is true. It has been 3 days since I have sent her any text or emails. There is nothing more to be said. But the urge is strong. Not a moment goes by I am not thinking about our past and about how I would love to hear from her.

[spaceace]

I have been thinking about several things my wife did to break down my boundaries. I think what happens with an udBPD and the non not knowing about this disease, we come to accept the breaking down of boundaries as a way to keep peace in our lives.

I remember when I was engaged, prior to my wife moving into the house I had built and lived in for 6 years, she came over on several weekends and wanted to clean up the house. Mind you, it was not dirty. What she wanted to do was clean out my closets and attic and purge my children's baby toys and things I had saved over the years. At first, I was enamored that she wanted to help clean up around my house. But then she dissected the things I had saved and wanted to throw nearly everything away. This caused a major rift.

We ended up fighting about how she had OCD and ADHD and she could not stand to live in a house as cluttered as mine. Let me state this, my house is over 3300 sq. ft. There was no clutter. We had vicious fights. I should actually quantify, she had massive anger and rage about my unwillingness to purge my house of all these mementos. And after numerous explosions and me trying to get her to climb back off the cliff, I eventually caved in.

Looking back, I really see this was the beginning of tearing me down and me allowing her to do it. I was not aware of boundaries like this because I never had experience with someone so adamantly crossing such boundaries.

I could go on and on about crossing boundaries and how I readily accepted it to keep peace. In the end, what difference does it make when someone had udBPD issues?

What difference it makes is, I think these pieces, the lack of boundaries and self respect we cave in with, causes us to lose bits and pieces of ourselves. And when it's all over, it is so hard to believe we actually let this happen, and we also have a hard time allowing to let it go and move on. It's all these pieces as they slowly come to make sense, is when I guess, we start to heal?

I am not sure about that. But I hope it is true. It has been 3 days since I have sent her any text or emails. There is nothing more to be said. But the urge is strong. Not a moment goes by I am not thinking about our past and about how I would love to hear from her.

[GustheDog]

Ditto.  On all accounts.

There's a thread somewhere talking about what it's like for the non to experience the pwBPD's shift from the clinger to hater stages wherein one poster notes that he gave up all boundaries, changed professions, ended friendships, quit hobbies, etc.  He said the only boundary he remembers retaining is not allowing her into the bathroom with him, but she would sit outside the door and talk to him through the wall.

This was my experience, too.  Except for changing my profession, I did all these things, and my ex would want to follow me into the bathroom as well.  And, quite seriously, she would try to speak to me through the wall.  So funny to think that I put up with this stuff.  I remember it being annoying at the time, but not really being all that affected by it.  It was just "her."

Also, I relate to experiencing many of these boundary tear-downs on her part initially as an effort to assist me, or do me a favor - such as with cleaning, organizing, etc.  But really what it was about is her doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted and plowing over my preferences at every turn.  I don't know whether it was about control or simply not caring whether she was impermissibly encroaching.  And, I guess, it wasn't truly impermissible since I, well, permitted it.  But, yeah, when we lived together everything was placed, organized, stored exactly the way she wanted it to be.  The bed had to be made a certain way, the clothes hung a certain way in the closet, etc.  And, later, when we were long-distance and she'd come visit, it was the same story - she reorganize everything in my place to her liking.

And don't get me started with the thermostat... .  

If I asked her to stop, she'd get a hurt look on her face and I'd feel bad(ly).  I'm so tired of feeling that way.

[spaceace]

funny about the thermostat! My wife is the same. I am always hot, she is always cold. She is a complete WAIF. In many ways. Even her looks. She is 5' 7" and weighs in at 100 lbs. on a good day.

Yes, she had to have everything a certain way. Mostly, everything had to be out in the open. No doors on the closet. No dressers for clothes, but baskets to see everything. I hated that, but dealt with it. It was never the end of the world kind of stuff.