Is anyone questioning themselves?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, does anybody question themselves knowing that the exBPD moved on very shortly after the break up with you (in my case I believe just 2 weeks after a 2 1/2 year relationship)?  I find myself wondering if the problem was me and if I'd just dealt with things differently.  Also I think to myself that maybe just maybe he's found someone who is great and all the things he wanted, all the things I wasn't.  His history before me was that he divorced 4 years ago, he had 18 months alone, during which time he went from one relationship to another for 2/3 months or so and then he met me and we were together for 2 1/2 years (just to put you in the picture).  Is it really possible that 2 weeks after our split, he meets the person that's perfect, the one who can give him everything I didn't?  Or is it just that he thinks this is it (probably as he did when he idealised me and put me on a pedestal, although that was still the case to the very morning before the break up) and it's just another one of those 2-3 months relationship traits?  Could the problem have been me?

[happiness68]

Hi, does anybody question themselves knowing that the exBPD moved on very shortly after the break up with you (in my case I believe just 2 weeks after a 2 1/2 year relationship)?  I find myself wondering if the problem was me and if I'd just dealt with things differently.  Also I think to myself that maybe just maybe he's found someone who is great and all the things he wanted, all the things I wasn't.  His history before me was that he divorced 4 years ago, he had 18 months alone, during which time he went from one relationship to another for 2/3 months or so and then he met me and we were together for 2 1/2 years (just to put you in the picture).  Is it really possible that 2 weeks after our split, he meets the person that's perfect, the one who can give him everything I didn't?  Or is it just that he thinks this is it (probably as he did when he idealised me and put me on a pedestal, although that was still the case to the very morning before the break up) and it's just another one of those 2-3 months relationship traits?  Could the problem have been me?

[happiness68]

I hope this is the right board by the way.  Please let me know if not and if it's going to be moved.  Thank you.

[HarmKrakow]

I hope this is the right board by the way.  Please let me know if not and if it's going to be moved.  Thank you.

The way I see it in a BPD relationship, is that it follows this pattern;

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

And therefore, your boyfriend already started to detach himself from you, months and months ago and therefore basically was waiting for the next step in life. No more emotional attachment from his side as he continued what he had to do. You on the other hand were not ready for that step yet, and therefore the moment there was a break up, you couldn't go straight to the next step. And seeing that your friend did that relatively quickly, is of course an agonizing pain. The only comfort you can think of, is that he doesn't know better, and lacks the empathy to understand your pain.

[happiness68]

harmkrakow - you could be right. I'd not thought of him detaching himself before, but it would make sense.  I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.  Thanks for the link.  I'll read that.

I hope this is the right board by the way.  Please let me know if not and if it's going to be moved.  Thank you.

The way I see it in a BPD relationship, is that it follows this pattern;

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

And therefore, your boyfriend already started to detach himself from you, months and months ago and therefore basically was waiting for the next step in life. No more emotional attachment from his side as he continued what he had to do. You on the other hand were not ready for that step yet, and therefore the moment there was a break up, you couldn't go straight to the next step. And seeing that your friend did that relatively quickly, is of course an agonizing pain. The only comfort you can think of, is that he doesn't know better, and lacks the empathy to understand your pain.

[happiness68]

That link is amazingly accurate.  I would say that that is exactly what I experienced, so it's definitely BPD.  I guess it's normal to question yourself after anything like this.  I understand that a break up with someone suffering from BPD is much harder to get over than a normal relationship.  I guess it's where you try to understand it like I'm doing now.  Thanks for that link.

harmkrakow - you could be right. I'd not thought of him detaching himself before, but it would make sense.  I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.  Thanks for the link.  I'll read that.

I hope this is the right board by the way.  Please let me know if not and if it's going to be moved.  Thank you.

The way I see it in a BPD relationship, is that it follows this pattern;

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

And therefore, your boyfriend already started to detach himself from you, months and months ago and therefore basically was waiting for the next step in life. No more emotional attachment from his side as he continued what he had to do. You on the other hand were not ready for that step yet, and therefore the moment there was a break up, you couldn't go straight to the next step. And seeing that your friend did that relatively quickly, is of course an agonizing pain. The only comfort you can think of, is that he doesn't know better, and lacks the empathy to understand your pain.

[HarmKrakow]

That link is amazingly accurate.  I would say that that is exactly what I experienced, so it's definitely BPD.  I guess it's normal to question yourself after anything like this.  I understand that a break up with someone suffering from BPD is much harder to get over than a normal relationship.  I guess it's where you try to understand it like I'm doing now.  Thanks for that link.

harmkrakow - you could be right. I'd not thought of him detaching himself before, but it would make sense.  I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.  Thanks for the link.  I'll read that.

I hope this is the right board by the way.  Please let me know if not and if it's going to be moved.  Thank you.

The way I see it in a BPD relationship, is that it follows this pattern;

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

And therefore, your boyfriend already started to detach himself from you, months and months ago and therefore basically was waiting for the next step in life. No more emotional attachment from his side as he continued what he had to do. You on the other hand were not ready for that step yet, and therefore the moment there was a break up, you couldn't go straight to the next step. And seeing that your friend did that relatively quickly, is of course an agonizing pain. The only comfort you can think of, is that he doesn't know better, and lacks the empathy to understand your pain.

Exactly, I was shocked when I read that link cuz it described my relationship to such a detail! It also made me, (from time to time) realize that what I thought was real, meant nothing to her. And therefore the daily pain I have currently of idealizing our past year together, is something I shouldn't do, since she saw it completely different.

But that of course, aint easy, at all.

[mnwushu89]

I am in a similar situation. My exBPDgf and I were together for a year. We ended mutually like a month and a half ago. While we surprisingly agreed on almost everything as why we should ebd our relationship I guess after the fact I went through "normal" thought patterns of missing her, reminiscing,  wanting to work on things etc. I attempted to contact her with no luck. Saw her once to return some things but other than that nothing.

Fast forward to this past week. In had been about a month since our break up and I was doing fairly well and doing things I enjoyed just trying to stay busy I guess. For whatever reason it was a "bad" week in a sense that I was really missing her, us, the relationship etc. I called her on Sunday and we had a civil conversation about our relationship and the more specifics of why things happened the way they did. We brought up the idea of friends which she said wasn't a good idea because she didn't want to give me false hope or have me get mad if I found out she was "talking" to anyone.  I told her we were not together and she did not have to answer to me or anything. While logically this was true emotionally I could not grasp the fact that a month ago this person was laying inbmy bed cuddling ,intimate with me, "in love" with me and couldn't see herself without anyone else.

Monday I should have left it alone but I push the button and couldn't let it go. I once again asked her to give me an answer on what changed and if she felt that we just gave up. Her response was she could not talk to me about it right then. I told her I understood and asked her to give it some thought. Herv response was she was with chris and there was no thoughts to give about it. Umm what... .  how is that normal? If you move on that's fine but a year relationship and you move on to someone else  just like that. it didn't stop there later that night she text me that she will always care about me but never love me in the same way again and it was just gone.

Though I should have left it alone I didn't. I responsed to her for closure for me and no one else but I responded none the less. I told her that I can't tell her how she should Feel and have no bad feelings towards her but it was not normal to jump into something after a relationship like we had. I told her I would always care about her and love her in someway too and I hoped she found happiness and wished her the best of luck. Herv response was she never loved me in the first place and what did I honestly want from her. She called and RAGED like I have never heard before. She never loved me ,I was a pathetic person she wasted a year on, I was stuck with puppy love and the list goes on. Last thing I heard her say was I don't know how to get through to you that I don't love you never did and I want nothing to do with you so don't call me don't text me I'm done with you.

I waw crushed but during that moment I was also liberated in knowing that I was living in a dream world and the veil had been lifted. The girl I "knew" was gone and was in another cycle being a chameleon if you will shifting her personality for whatever and whoever was in her life at that moment. Do ib think she meant those things probably not I will truly never know. Did she love me? I believe at the time she did in the way she knew how and there it is HOW SHE KNEW HOW. As hard as it is to accept they don't love or process emotion as us nons do. I realized she truly was sick and mentally ill. I do not mean that in a negative or derogatory way just having a very real view on the situation. Though I may never know answers or understand her disease there is comfort knowing I am not alone and my situation is unfortunately very common.

I know I did everything I could to make ir work because I truly cared and loved another human being which is no crime. I fought for what I believed to be right and true in my heart and have no regrets because I would have rather tried and truly know where I stood than have the what ifs run through my mind. A blessing in disguise I learned a lot from her and did experience some good in her. I know there is love there to be had and I know that one day it will all work our for me her and all of us. Our journey is just beginning .

[mnwushu89]

I too read that article early in our relationship and stayed in it regardless. It doesn't get any easier but I have accepted that I may never understand and I can't dwell on that. I simply have to move on with my life and focus on me again

[HarmKrakow]

I am in a similar situation. My exBPDgf and I were together for a year. We ended mutually like a month and a half ago. While we surprisingly agreed on almost everything as why we should ebd our relationship I guess after the fact I went through "normal" thought patterns of missing her, reminiscing,  wanting to work on things etc. I attempted to contact her with no luck. Saw her once to return some things but other than that nothing.

Fast forward to this past week. In had been about a month since our break up and I was doing fairly well and doing things I enjoyed just trying to stay busy I guess. For whatever reason it was a "bad" week in a sense that I was really missing her, us, the relationship etc. I called her on Sunday and we had a civil conversation about our relationship and the more specifics of why things happened the way they did. We brought up the idea of friends which she said wasn't a good idea because she didn't want to give me false hope or have me get mad if I found out she was "talking" to anyone.  I told her we were not together and she did not have to answer to me or anything. While logically this was true emotionally I could not grasp the fact that a month ago this person was laying inbmy bed cuddling ,intimate with me, "in love" with me and couldn't see herself without anyone else.

Monday I should have left it alone but I push the button and couldn't let it go. I once again asked her to give me an answer on what changed and if she felt that we just gave up. Her response was she could not talk to me about it right then. I told her I understood and asked her to give it some thought. Herv response was she was with chris and there was no thoughts to give about it. Umm what... .  how is that normal? If you move on that's fine but a year relationship and you move on to someone else  just like that. it didn't stop there later that night she text me that she will always care about me but never love me in the same way again and it was just gone.

Though I should have left it alone I didn't. I responsed to her for closure for me and no one else but I responded none the less. I told her that I can't tell her how she should Feel and have no bad feelings towards her but it was not normal to jump into something after a relationship like we had. I told her I would always care about her and love her in someway too and I hoped she found happiness and wished her the best of luck. Herv response was she never loved me in the first place and what did I honestly want from her. She called and RAGED like I have never heard before. She never loved me ,I was a pathetic person she wasted a year on, I was stuck with puppy love and the list goes on. Last thing I heard her say was I don't know how to get through to you that I don't love you never did and I want nothing to do with you so don't call me don't text me I'm done with you.

I waw crushed but during that moment I was also liberated in knowing that I was living in a dream world and the veil had been lifted. The girl I "knew" was gone and was in another cycle being a chameleon if you will shifting her personality for whatever and whoever was in her life at that moment. Do ib think she meant those things probably not I will truly never know. Did she love me? I believe at the time she did in the way she knew how and there it is HOW SHE KNEW HOW. As hard as it is to accept they don't love or process emotion as us nons do. I realized she truly was sick and mentally ill. I do not mean that in a negative or derogatory way just having a very real view on the situation. Though I may never know answers or understand her disease there is comfort knowing I am not alone and my situation is unfortunately very common.

I know I did everything I could to make ir work because I truly cared and loved another human being which is no crime. I fought for what I believed to be right and true in my heart and have no regrets because I would have rather tried and truly know where I stood than have the what ifs run through my mind. A blessing in disguise I learned a lot from her and did experience some good in her. I know there is love there to be had and I know that one day it will all work our for me her and all of us. Our journey is just beginning .

There is also nothing wrong with mentioning it as negative or derogatory. She is sick, she can't help herself and you let yourself into it. It's like detoxing on drugs or alcohol and the process will be difficult and severe. Long and agonizing, but you know as well as I do, that drowning in self-pity is going to do no-one any good.

However, also what you described seems to fit as the textbook BPD example. You are not alone and many are in the same process of rebuilding and reshaping our lives. The mere thought of a month ago she was in your bed, sweet and cuddly, and poof, not much later it was gone. I know the feeling so much, it's gone. And it won't come back. And for the future, I don't want myself another r/s with a BPD person. Ever again ...

[spaceace]

Logically speaking, if someone was truly healthy and had the tools to emotionally engage in the relationship they profess to being in, in my opinion, I do not know how that would be possible.

I am sorry you are going though this. I can only imagine it is very hurtful.

You're a good person, you deserve to be loved just as you are. Take some time for yourself and be gentle to yourself.

I wish you well, please keep posting on the boards and reading them as well.