strange.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

after a 2 year relationship with my BPDgf in which I have been pushed/pulled recycled some many times I have lost count we both went NC the day after christmas. Got one text NYE apolizing for her saying some things about me. Didnt hear from her for about 10 days. Get a text from her telling me about a medical prodcedure that she was supposed have done. We stayed LC for that day with just texts but in one of the text shes told me she was starting a new postion in her company and that she requested a office transfer to the town I work in which is right next to my building. The next day I have to see her at work. we work for diffrent companies but they do business together. After I left she texts me telling me how hot and sex I looked. The LC went on for another day. Today she calls and wanst to meet. She told me on the phone that I was the one she wanted to be with, I was everything she wants but she thinks we should get married at thsi stage in our lifes but that shes not ready to get married. She doesnt know if she will ever want to get married but that she needs time to figure it all out. And if she loses me that was she will have to risk but that it wasnt fair to keep pushing me away and getting me back. she wants to meet face to face for lunch so we can discuss it more. This is something I have seen from her before. I have been dumped by her some many ways I cant even remeber anymore. what in the world.

[mitchell16]

after a 2 year relationship with my BPDgf in which I have been pushed/pulled recycled some many times I have lost count we both went NC the day after christmas. Got one text NYE apolizing for her saying some things about me. Didnt hear from her for about 10 days. Get a text from her telling me about a medical prodcedure that she was supposed have done. We stayed LC for that day with just texts but in one of the text shes told me she was starting a new postion in her company and that she requested a office transfer to the town I work in which is right next to my building. The next day I have to see her at work. we work for diffrent companies but they do business together. After I left she texts me telling me how hot and sex I looked. The LC went on for another day. Today she calls and wanst to meet. She told me on the phone that I was the one she wanted to be with, I was everything she wants but she thinks we should get married at thsi stage in our lifes but that shes not ready to get married. She doesnt know if she will ever want to get married but that she needs time to figure it all out. And if she loses me that was she will have to risk but that it wasnt fair to keep pushing me away and getting me back. she wants to meet face to face for lunch so we can discuss it more. This is something I have seen from her before. I have been dumped by her some many ways I cant even remeber anymore. what in the world.

[Surnia]

mitchell

your description sounds as a very clear attempt to start again a rs with you. Recycling. As you mentioned it, you had this before. You can't even count.

Do you know this workshop: US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

How do you feel right now about it?

[mitchell16]

the continution. We met and talked at the first part of teh dinner she wanted us to leave and go have drinks and have sex. I resisted that and then she said she wanted us to be over becuase she couldnt keep hurting me like she has over and over. She said that we should be getting married at this stage in our relationship and she didnt want to get married. She said of course that she loved me and if she was going to get married it would be to me but that she didnt want to get married and I needed to do whatever I needed to do to get on with my life and forget about her. Of course I never asked her to get married. I asked why did she always keep trying to get me back everytime I walked away and she said because she loved me but now we should be moving onto the next stage and she just didnt want to get married. I asked her why if this is what she was going to do did she transfer next to my building. She said I will stay clear of you, you wont even know Im over there. She said maybe she just didnt love me enough or maybe she didnt love herself enough. but that she was grieving but she jusy had to let me go so she would keep hurting me. Im at a loss for words or any sense of this game.

[GreenMango]

Mitchell it sounds like you are still in a relationship... .  a little.  Do you want to try to work on things or detach?

You've been back and forth from leaving to staying.  Letting a person with a mental illness lead causes a lot of chaos.

[seeking balance]

Perhaps pick up the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"

[oletimefeelin]

Yeah, there's nothing strange about any of it.  It's straight out of the BPD caste.  You're either out or you're in.  Low contact for you is a cop out so you don't have to get on with living your life.

Who knows why she did this or that?  If you bed her down after dinner then you're right back in a relationship.  You didn't.  You made that decision for a reason.  Something doesn't add up in your head.  You've read enough at this point what the push/pull is all about.  That's no longer a mystery.  Looking to her for answers is only going to cloud things for you.  She can only tell her part of the story.  Thing is you know all of it.  Whether she realizes this some day is up to her. 

I seem to remember that this ex of yours works in the mental health field.  That always troubled me deeply, and made it seem so much more likely that she'd never see the light.  She's read all the books but somehow can't see herself staring back at her from the page. 

You'll get out when the drama is enough for you.  When will that be?  I know for me I'd much rather make that decision for myself, then have her snap your neck suddenly as these impulsive women are so apt to do.

[mitchell16]

It guess in my heart I dont want to let go 100 percent but in my mind I relize that I do have to let it go. I resisted the sex the other night because I guess deep down I felt like it was attempt by her to validate herself to say in her mind that shes not all that bad and to see just how far I would run.  or chase her. Just to get dropped on my head again. I have had it happen before with her where she would call, after she had been drinking talk about how much she missed and loved me and led me to beleive we was working towards getting abck together to only call the next day and tell me she didnt want to do it anymore. I would be crushed. So I think this time I was just keeping myself in check. She does work in the mental health field and she will deny that she has BPD. but I do think deep down she knows it. Im mean I have heard her diagnose other people based on the symptoms that they were BPD. The whole time me looking at her thinking does that not sound like yourself. I guess what I was refering to as strange as I have never seen her use this approach before. Im she had broke up with me, pushed me away but has never had the calm approach before and telling me to do whatever I needed to do to get over her. again, I know that it shouldnt matter what her motives are, I still have to wonder since I have seen her pull everything she can in the past only for her to attempt and me allow the recycle. I could understand why she would take a postition next dor to me when she didnt have to. was this a form of stalking? if your really done why not stay clear of each other. I am struggling with it all and struggling with letting it all go 100 percent. BUt i have gotten sick of the drama, the hurt, the misery but I afraid that maybe I dont know how to let it all go. Thats where Im at right now.

[turtle]

You're merely the shiny toy she thinks she wants today -- but she's telling you RIGHT UP FRONT that she will want a different shiny toy tomorrow.  Believe her.

Who knows why she's adopted a calm approach.  Maybe it's a new manipulation tactic since you've grown weary of the old ones.  It doesn't matter. The outcome will be the same -- and she's told you that.  She's told you she doesn't want to hurt you any more, but that she WILL.

I don't know that any of us knew how to let go (I certainly had no clue how to do that) -- there's no life manual for this crap!  You just do it... .  one day at a time.

turtle

[mitchell16]

Turtle, your right on the outcome. While reading your post I took a minute to reflect on all the old recycles that have occurred. Each one was simliar but yeat diffrent but the one thing that stayed the same was the same was the outcome. It always came back to her acting the way she did. The same old push/pull/ double standards, raging, belittling, manupulations, lies and after all that in the end she would walk away and leave me alone and broken.

I Have been determined to move on with my life and try and put it all behind. Im just having so much trouble getting there. I fight the urge to contact her and most of the of the time Im not the one that does it. she does but what happens is I get weak and respond. I think in my  mind in the past have always knew she would reach back out for me and my delusions would be that she really has changed. Maybe Im worried this time is that she wont and that its truly over and I dont know how that makes me feel. Sad, happy, relieved, I dont know right now I feel empty inside and its a very strange feeling.

[turtle]

I think in my  mind in the past have always knew she would reach back out for me and my delusions would be that she really has changed. Maybe Im worried this time is that she wont and that its truly over and I dont know how that makes me feel. Sad, happy, relieved, I dont know right now I feel empty inside and its a very strange feeling.

Well, the chances that she will change are VERY remote -- and even if she did, that would have nothing to do with you.  She would have to want to change MORE than she would want to keep playing cat and mouse with you!  When she contacts you with her craziness (even if it's delivered in a calm way,) you can rest assured that she has not changed.  REAL change on her part isn't going to come in a matter of days, weeks, or months.  Maybe... .  MAYBE... .  years from now.  And that's a HUGE MAYBE.  By then, you will have moved on with your life and no longer be addicted to her chaos.

These relationships leave us with a myriad of emotions.  That instability alone should be our signal that it's unhealthy and that we need to protect ourselves from it.  I remember after crazyx finally left, my primary emotion was FEAR.  Then anger, disappointment, sorrow, confusion, and yes... .  immense emptiness.  I remember sitting in my living room surrounded by so many negative emotions. I was sobbing -- you know -- the gut wrenching kind of sobs.  All I could think was "but I luuuvvvvv him." 

I'm not going to tell you that you don't love her, but I will challenge you to move on from her.  Years from now when you look back, you might see what I saw.  This is not love.  Anything that causes you this much stress, angst, and sorrow is not love.  It is a twisted enmeshment that is not healthy for either person.  You are no better for her than she is for you.  You are miserable with her and she gets to stay crazy with you.  How does that work for anyone?

The emptiness you feel will be with you for awhile.  So what?  Does it feel good?  No. It certainly does not.  However... .  the emptiness will go away eventually.  If you keep her in your life, your misery will never go away.

turtle

[mitchell16]

I agree she wont change. She never has and probably never will. I beleive this is her normal blueprint. When we first started dating. We had both just came out of relationship. I had been in a marriage she had been dating this guy on and off for about 10 months. She showed me a emalil she ahd sent to him to end the relationship and I swear it almost identical to what she told me the other day. Of course once we had been dating for about 3 or 4 months she decided that she needed to go back to the other guy becasue she wasnt sure of her feelings. and then she came back to me. Lucky me I should have let her go then. But I really thought it was ok becasue I wanted her to explore her true feeling and she convinced me that it showed her that she really belong with me.

But without this board I would probabley have lost my mind. A year ago or so I was convinced that it was all me. She had me convinced that I was doing things I didnt feel like I was doing. I had never heard of BPD. I thought becuase she was highly educated, very attractive and in teh mental health feild she would know better then me. It if she said it I must be doing it. It wasnt until I stumbled uponstop walking on eggshells and found thsi board that I relized it wasnt me. I started ssing thing that other people were posting about. I know that it time I will get better and stronger but it is tough. But the feedback I get really pulls me through and puts shows me what I already know when I start doubting myself and what I know is the truth.