Belief that they have seen the light

[morningagain]

"10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away."

struggle mightily to stay away, indeed... .  

Even after all of the pain and processing and work - almost 6 months - she called wanting to get back together a week or so ago.  every day since then i have obsessed and tried to hold everything in my mind and find a way to make the relationship work - after all, she admitted to BPD and some behaviors.

Turns out she was sitting at the breakfast table with her boyfriend each morning, talking about God and them.  After he left for work, that is when she would call me, wanting to get back together.  How inverted is this?  So, I engage her in discussions almost every day, talking about 'us' - I am 'cheating' with my own wife?

Talk about trampling my own values.

So, still I struggle mightily, but I do know I cannot live with that pain again.  I have been trying to understand her struggles and exhaustively trying to decode a way for us to be together and for her to heal.  I cannot be with her while she is so disordered.

Reread the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck.  So difficult to read and accept after this recent resurrection of hope.  But I believe that she has not seen the light, and that she does not feel the same as I do.  I am tired.  So tired.  So I do not hold onto now any of the ten beliefs.  But still I am 'stuck' - or at least I must be since I am depressed.  No reason to be, anymore.  I have my life ahead of me now.  But I am tired.

Seeing the therapist today.  a new one next week who says she has worked with spouses of BPD.  does cbt and other therapies.  funny how we seem to need the same therapies that BPD's need.

i want to stop loving her.  i need to.  maybe tomorrow.

[gina louise]

michael999,

OMG that must been horrible to realize. that she was trying to ~ you back and use you... and for what? extra N supply on the side. that's awful.

stay focused. stay strong... .  stay away! burn that bridge.

GL

[morningagain]

yeah - just one more gut punch, one more betrayal, one more heartbreak.  I should not have been blindsided - she is going by the BPD manual.  entirely predictable.  In a way, I blindsided myself.  Knew about the FOG but stepped back in.

oh well.  there is one thing lonelier than being alone:  being with her

there were about 12,794 reasons to leave when I left.  the more i learn about the disorder and coping strategies and the underlying issues and my issues, the more reasons there are to stay gone, and the less there is to go back to.  realizing the way they perceive love and the world - well, at least realizing it is quite transient anyway, is very sad.  i cannot be in a r/s where i have to hold back my feelings of love - to mute them - and to not receive love the way i feel and give it.  that is not me and never will be.  i would become the walking dead

i want her out of my head and my heart.  no longer out of anger.  i do not hate her.  i love her and i do not want to.  i want to be free.  can't fix her, can't help her. can't deal with her.  i need what she cannot give.

so tired.

[Suzn]

Seeing the therapist today.  a new one next week who says she has worked with spouses of BPD.  does cbt and other therapies.  funny how we seem to need the same therapies that BPD's need.

This is awesome. I'm sorry this is still a struggle but this time around you made this choice, you are further along than you think. Hopefully it will take less time to bounce back, though very glad to see you feeling your feelings right now. Good for you mister!

Your comment above is interesting. DBT and CBT are all about coping strategies. Healthy coping. DBT was created for pwBPD but we can all benefit from the skills learned from this therapy.

Have you seen this?

www.dbtselfhelp.com

[myself]

funny how we seem to need the same therapies that BPD's need.

The patterns are so strong they overwhelm those who come too close. You'd think the pwBPD would be the eye of the storm but they are the storm itself. It goes beyond just being the vessel. Even though 'we' don't have BPD, we've been living it with them, it's become part of who we are, too. So when we're 'detoxing', similar ways of dealing with it can be beneficial. The difference is, we're reaching out for help, and changing our own patterns. Focusing on the positives. Whoever does so, heals. We ALL need that.