Any "right" words to say?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My situation is like most others. At least from ALL the research I've been doing.

Current situation is this: The BPD came on hot and heavy in all ways. Lured me in, hook, line and sinker! Now, we're on a "break." Although, i have mentioned the boundaries of the break, it's not being listened to and is being twisted around in every possible angle. While I feel the relationship sadly, NEEDS to be over (NONE of my needs are being met) and have done what needs to be done, she continues to text me, and post things on silly little facebook, clearly, to get me to respond and/or to hurt me.  That part is killing me. It's a direct attack and very painful. Yes, yes, I know the thing "to do" is to block her on FB but, the outrage from her when that has happened is worse.  Feeling rather doomed if I do or don't... .  

This all being a small summary of what is happening, I am wondering if there are any key words to say or key actions to take, other than not responding at all?  I'm doing my best to not be reactionary and take it personally but, it's really HARD. 

In one way, I am hoping we can at least be friends so, it's not as big of a let down? Not sure that can even exist with BPD.  I'm in a place where I want to beat her at her own game so I don't get her wrath.

Looking forward to being understood again.

Thanks.

(ps: sorry for the double post. i posted in the wrong level the first time)

[MakeItHappen]

My situation is like most others. At least from ALL the research I've been doing.

Current situation is this: The BPD came on hot and heavy in all ways. Lured me in, hook, line and sinker! Now, we're on a "break." Although, i have mentioned the boundaries of the break, it's not being listened to and is being twisted around in every possible angle. While I feel the relationship sadly, NEEDS to be over (NONE of my needs are being met) and have done what needs to be done, she continues to text me, and post things on silly little facebook, clearly, to get me to respond and/or to hurt me.  That part is killing me. It's a direct attack and very painful. Yes, yes, I know the thing "to do" is to block her on FB but, the outrage from her when that has happened is worse.  Feeling rather doomed if I do or don't... .  

This all being a small summary of what is happening, I am wondering if there are any key words to say or key actions to take, other than not responding at all?  I'm doing my best to not be reactionary and take it personally but, it's really HARD. 

In one way, I am hoping we can at least be friends so, it's not as big of a let down? Not sure that can even exist with BPD.  I'm in a place where I want to beat her at her own game so I don't get her wrath.

Looking forward to being understood again.

Thanks.

(ps: sorry for the double post. i posted in the wrong level the first time)

[trevjim]

my advice, is that what ever path you choose, put everything into it and dont hesitate. one regret I have is not finding out my ex had BPD until she got with someone else they day I split with her, if I had the chance again, I would of liked to of gone down the road of trying to make it work with the knowledge I have now, maybe suggest therapy or whatever. but its too late now and she had a new boyfriend and I have been split black as I 'abandoned' her. or if you don't wanna continue with her, just move on the best way you can and don't look back.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Given what you've written here, I don't think anything you say or don't say is going to make any difference whatsoever in how SHE behaves or thinks. The only thing you can do is speak YOUR truth one final time (you love her, wish her the best, are sorry for everything and anything, wish it had been otherwise), say goodbye for good, and then say/do nothing, however brutally painful it may be.

Attempting to be be friends to ease the pain usually makes the pain worse. Most of us here have had to go NC and never look back. It sucks, but it's the reality, most of the time. For so long, I was stuck on the idea that if I said or did the "right thing" that all would be well. After trying to figure out what the right thing to say was for over a year, and having endless conversations and countless email conversations, I finally realized that it didn't make any difference what I said or not. It all ended the same way: badly, and with yet another 'break' or breakup. I remember the moment I got off the crazy train. There I was, composing yet another thoughtful and long-winded email, and it dawned on me that I HAD SAID ALL OF THIS BEFORE! So many times, and so many ways. And it accomplished nothing. I deleted the email, closed the computer, and decided to be done trying. It was really hard, but long overdue.

Wishing you the best... .  

[MakeItHappen]

thank you!

the whole "friends" thing, yeah. thought that might ease the situation but, not sure anything will.

i've been made out to be the "bad guy" and all the other things that go along with a breakup. thing is, this time around, truly, it's a 100%, not me. well, maybe 99% not me.

as i type this, i'm trying to figure out what i truly am struggling with.

that i fell into the spiders web? is it what her friends think? that the entire relationship was a lie? that i was taken total advantage of? etc?

in my heart and mind, i know this is over. it has to be. trying to find some way that she will know it's over too. which, from what i understand, might not ever happen... .  

so, i'm trying to take care of myself and lessen my own wounds while in the process.

not sure how to navigate, avoiding her wrath while doing so... .  

[nowwhatz]

Yeah man I am on a "break"... .  I think this is break #11... .  only I get the silent treatment.

I don't know if there is anything that you can say or do... .  any right words.

My T says to me do nothing, do not try to contact and if I have anything to say tell her when she tries to come off "break" the next time.

[MakeItHappen]

who knows anymore... .  

at the end of the day, i'm trying to sort out WHY i would even want to talk to this person ever again. treated me like ~ and continues to.

is it a "i don't want to be made out to be a chump," thing?

[recoil]

My EX said she wanted a break but didn't want us to see other people.

My gut said run.  I did.

I'm hurting.  I think she has a replacement already too. 

Man this is tough.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

I m in this right now too. What would be the best to say ?

We broke up more than one month ago. She pushed me away, I couldn't take anything anymore, so I said ok, I leave. Then one month of NC. I was feeling each day better. 3 days ago she contacted me again ! I was shocked, I never thought she would come back after this hard break up we had. But she is back ! And want me back too. This is something I can't and don't want to do. So I wished her well in her future and started NC again. Since then she has poured dozens of texts and mails full of love, appologizes and regrets as if she didn't understand that we had already broken up ! So today I had to mail to her again, informing her that NC would be the best way for us 2 to heal, that we were over, and I told her I didn't hate her, nor blame her for anything and that we both had responsibilities in this failure.

I know she will reply to this mail. I don't want to block her on the mails because if I do that I'm sure she will call at my company to find me. So I let this open, but I will have to stay NC, no matter what, and I think it's gonna be hell again !

The 1st break up was already so hard, why does she need a 2nd one ?

[Newton]

MakeItHappen ... .  I appreciate your desire to try to find words that won't trigger her.  Unfortunately when things deteriorate to the level you've described then WE have become a trigger... .  

I'm glad you are trying to shift the focus on to looking after yourself  

We spent so long during these relationships trying to figure out what words to use... .  tip-toeing around our partners potential volatility and the fear of consequence in uttering the wrong thing.  It sounds like you are still trying to do this to a certain extent.

The only way to "beat her at her own game"... .  is not to play.  Games are meant to be fun, this can't be very enjoyable for you at all... .  

As you emerge from the FOG the question of "why did I put up with this" will become louder in your head.  It's a good question to ponder... .  

[turtle]

In one way, I am hoping we can at least be friends so, it's not as big of a let down? Not sure that can even exist with BPD.  I'm in a place where I want to beat her at her own game so I don't get her wrath.

Trying to be friends is NOT as big of a let down.  Really.  It's still a rejection.

And... .  jmo... .  pwBPD don't make very good friends.

You will NEVER beat her at her own game.

I know it's hard, but the fact is... .  you are in a relationship with a disordered person.  If you really want out... .  cut the ties.  The f/b crap is going to be whatever it is - you have no control over that. And... .  the longer you try to beat her at her own game, the longer this drama stays alive.

Since then she has poured dozens of texts and mails full of love, appologizes and regrets as if she didn't understand that we had already broken up ! So today I had to mail to her again, informing her that NC would be the best way for us 2 to heal, that we were over, and I told her I didn't hate her, nor blame her for anything and that we both had responsibilities in this failure.

I know how hard it is when they bombard you with emails, phone calls, showing up, etc., but IMO, contacting her to tell her you can't have contact is giving her mixed messages.  

I was also in a place where I truly feared what would happen in my business if my ex kept calling ... .  but eventually, you have to let the chips fall where they may.  There isn't really anything you can do to prevent that (except the Police,) and it might just be that she'll be MORE motivated to call your work now that you've contacted her again.

turtle

cross posted with Newton

[nowwhatz]

This is a tough subject as we want to say the "right words" and have a plan but we have no control over how the BPD person will react.

Sometimes I get into trouble by planning out what I will say in the hopes of affecting some change in behavior, when in reality the only thing I can expect is the same type of behavior I have experienced.

I get cut off for a few weeks and then she makes contact and I take the bait. I choose to leave the door open with a LC/NC posture so the chances are good she will again make contact.  At that time if I can change how I react and not trigger the recycle then my words (or lack of) might be "right."

In your situation where she is bugging you and calling you I would suggest checking with a T on how to deal with it.

I agree that people with BPD don't make good friends.