Observations after 40 days NC

[GreenMango]

Hi Stoic and Gus,

I'd like to nudge you guys to post on the Taking Personal Inventory Board too.  It's a perfect place to investigate the FOO issues you are talking about.  It's like the next step once you are coming out of the grief and more detached.

Only catch is the Inventory posts have to stay self-reflective, it's not a board to talk about the ex did this or that type conversations.  More of the making connections and why.

Please take a peek.  Maybe dip your toe in. 

GM

PS I'm not trying to kill this thread just throw you a heads up because of your subject matter.

[stoic83]

Could be that your dad was just trying his best to mitigate dysfunction in a dysfunctional family.

My dad ripped me out of my job where I just won employee of the month and received a third promotion after being there for a year and a half... .  to start my software company in his shell? Where he gets 33%, this lawyer gets 33% and I get 33%... .  I get a few partners... .  shortly thereafter, my dad tells me that he can't raise any money after all and instead asks me for money practically crying to me. Later I would learn that the lawyer got busted by the FBI for securities fraud and mail fraud... .  I spoke with another attorney who worked for his firm ( a sharp guy, worked for GE, and started his own firm) and he told me: A) the attorney i was in business with had ill-intent. B) I have to talk to him to dissolve the company, but be aware that the phone is most likely tapped. C) He would help me for free (normal billable rate 325).

I confronted my dad on it, and he backed the lawyer... .  his business partner. My mom and dad both raged on me for being selfish, and being paranoid and said that these things happen all the time in business, and that the accused lawyer did nothing wrong. The short of it, is that my dad and the lawyer were planning to do penny securities fraud and  as CEO of the company, I would most likely have gotten in the most trouble.

So any empathy I have for my dad here, is probably more like pity. I know his brother is a sociopath with multi-millions and his other brother is a child psychologist in hawaii (whom is my only family member i speak with).

My mom told me he was a pedophile when I was 14? When I spoke with him he told me that he strongly disagreed with my mom's parenting techniques when I was growing up, and that my dad was a violent bully as a child... .  

So I think both my parents are f'ed... .  and so I just don't talk to them anymore.

1) First T said no more contact with parents.(older man, cerebral old-fashioned)

2) Second T doesn't really tell me what to do, just guides me to my own conclusions.(woman my age, empathic open-minded)

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hi Stoic and Gus,

I'd like to nudge you guys to post on the Taking Personal Inventory Board too.  It's a perfect place to investigate the FOO issues you are talking about.  It's like the next step once you are coming out of the grief and more detached.

Only catch is the Inventory posts have to stay self-reflective, it's not a board to talk about the ex did this or that type conversations.  More of the making connections and why.

Please take a peek.  Maybe dip your toe in. 

GM

PS I'm not trying to kill this thread just throw you a heads up because of your subject matter.

Hey GM... .  I will make my way to the other board... .  this kind of rolled in to the family stuff... .  as it should, but I agree.

I am at the point where I can see how I am predisposed to being comfortable in a rs with an abusive/neglectful person.

Mental illness clearly has a part in the equation, but not sure how that plays in to my side of things... .  definitely getting there. A lot of ruminating... .  using the file drawer analogy to try and stop my head from spinning. When you've been surround with as much dysfunction as I have, it is easy to see the inner-connected-ness and why I am attracting these types of women w BPD, narcissistic traits, possibly even sociopathic traits ( I am reluctant to label my exwBPD as a sociopath, I think I read several times that they can exhibit sociopathic traits during dysregulation? She seemed to be attracted to sociopaths... .  in fact her entire family loved watching documentary programs about psychos and serial killers. Her sister was bipolar... .  these people seemed very off. Her mom liked going to graveyards, and talked about child molesters a lot... .  It was hard to fit in to the dynamic, I am sure I came off as chauvanistic in a house of man-haters. I always remember feeling a sense of betrayal by being around her family during the holidays... .  I'm like my family is bad, but this is just next level messed up and these people seem "close" with one another, but my exwBPD said awful things about them... .  She wanted me to "bond" with her mom and sister. While she told me horror stories over our 4 year rs about their treatment of her, and the best I could muster was some altruistic empathy... .  because I just pitied these people more than anything

Stoic

[GustheDog]

Could be that your dad was just trying his best to mitigate dysfunction in a dysfunctional family.

My dad ripped me out of my job where I just won employee of the month and received a third promotion after being there for a year and a half... .  to start my software company in his shell? Where he gets 33%, this lawyer gets 33% and I get 33%... .  I get a few partners... .  shortly thereafter, my dad tells me that he can't raise any money after all and instead asks me for money practically crying to me. Later I would learn that the lawyer got busted by the FBI for securities fraud and mail fraud... .  I spoke with another attorney who worked for his firm ( a sharp guy, worked for GE, and started his own firm) and he told me: A) the attorney i was in business with had ill-intent. B) I have to talk to him to dissolve the company, but be aware that the phone is most likely tapped. C) He would help me for free (normal billable rate 325).

I confronted my dad on it, and he backed the lawyer... .  his business partner. My mom and dad both raged on me for being selfish, and being paranoid and said that these things happen all the time in business, and that the accused lawyer did nothing wrong. The short of it, is that my dad and the lawyer were planning to do penny securities fraud and  as CEO of the company, I would most likely have gotten in the most trouble.

So any empathy I have for my dad here, is probably more like pity. I know his brother is a sociopath with multi-millions and his other brother is a child psychologist in hawaii (whom is my only family member i speak with).

My mom told me he was a pedophile when I was 14? When I spoke with him he told me that he strongly disagreed with my mom's parenting techniques when I was growing up, and that my dad was a violent bully as a child... .  

So I think both my parents are f'ed... .  and so I just don't talk to them anymore.

1) First T said no more contact with parents.(older man, cerebral old-fashioned)

2) Second T doesn't really tell me what to do, just guides me to my own conclusions.(woman my age, empathic open-minded)

Stoic

Wasn't aware of that information. Guess that torpedoes my theory.

Not talking to your parents doesn't sound like such a bad choice.

[GustheDog]

She seemed to be attracted to sociopaths... .  in fact her entire family loved watching documentary programs about psychos and serial killers. Her sister was bipolar... .  these people seemed very off.

My ex was obsessed with the same type of shows. Her sister is actually far, far more messed up than she is, and every woman in her family that I have met seems to have strong borderline traits.

On the other hand, I did not get the impression that she had a terrible childhood. Clearly, the fact that her mother has borderline traits did not do her any favors. Her mother is also hypercritical, overbearing, and judgmental. This description applies generally, but, in my observation, was most apparent with respect to things like my ex's diet, appearance, manners/presentation. But it also seems pretty clear that her mother had her own ideas about how my ex should conduct her life, and I get the sense that her mom was fairly imposing about this.