What age should i talk to my sons about their BPD mother?

[BryJar23]

I am 44 and my diagnosed BPDW is

41.  Our 2 boys are 12 & 13.  My wife is definitely a high functioning BPDW.  On level of 1-10 (10 being the worst traits of a BPD) I would say she is a 5-6.  So most of the time it is manageable and I feel I am gettin g better at managing situations.  But a few times in the past few months I have seen her lash out at my sons.  Sometimes it is for a good reason but she overstates the situation and other times it is not for a valid reason.  I know they are definitely experiencing confusion and they have asked me about it. 

So my questios are:

Do I talk to them about this?

How do I talk to them?

What do i say?

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[Grey Kitty]

Hmm... .  if your wife is diagnosed, then I'm guessing you are somewhat free of the fallout that would usually occur if you told her she had BPD. My experience was that my wife was more upset when I mentioned her BPD to another person that when I mentioned it to her, so if she heard it coming back from your children, she likely wouldn't react well.

I would be very cautious about creating or building on a triangulation situation where you are "rescuing" your children from her.

I think somebody who co-parents with a BPD will give you better answers than I would. You might also ask on the  "Parenting after the split" board because I'm sure a lot of people there have dealt with this situation.