Baby step. Boundary setting. Am I on the right track?

[NotPerfect]

This is not petty or insignificant.  It is a baby step toward being able to assert my boundaries in a way that is not seen as a threat to SO.

This is a sore spot for me because I feel like my right to have boundaries has been systematically stripped from me over the years.  I feel anger and frustration that I cannot make a reasonable request that someone respect my boundaries without being vilified. 

Last night I successfully set a boundary, albeit a little one. 

She is very much into classifying people into categories. 

This is the subject of much conversation and has been for many years.

But years ago, prior to our marriage she said she doesn't find my conversation stimulating.

Since she makes an effort to listen to me ramble on about things that I like, yet hold no interest for her, I made an effort to listen, learn and discuss.

To give you an idea they range from Meyers-Briggs personality types, Enneagrams, (Psych 101-204 are a given) to seasonal color analysis and Kibbe body styles.  There have been others which I can't recall the names of over the years, but I can guarantee you they are stored in the vault.

In short: So I have strived to understand what she was "into "and be able to converse with her in terms she uses so we can have conversation that is interesting to her.

So my boundary was this:  She made a blunt comment about my supposed personality type that pointed out the limits of my ability to understand the abstract.

She said something like “Now that I know you are an ESTP* I won’t try and explain this.” 

I calmly said “ I find that a little insulting”

SO: “It’s not insulting, it just true”

Me: “Whether it’s true or not it’s still a little insulting”

SO: said something that sounded like a “Hmm…”


That was it.  No fight.  She wasn’t thrilled about it, but it pretty much stopped there and we continued to talk about whether Tina Fey was a summer or a winter (seasonal color analysis)

*ESTP: People with the ESTP personality type are very social, spontaneous and direct. Some may even see them as rude or reckless, but ESTPs truly love action….

1.   Google search one liners: Rule-breaking cop/Jock. , “none surpasses the ESTP as a prototypical bully.”

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NotPerfect]

The statement she made: “Now that I know you are an ESTP* I won’t try and explain this.”

This is what I typed.  This is what I think she said.  But as I read it I say to myself.  That sounds specifically insulting. It sounds like Now that I know you are a dumb jock I won't try to explain this. (google ESTP and Dumb Jock and you will see what I mean.)

But I ask myself this question: Is that what she said, or is that what I heard? 

a little more info:  We had not discussed ESTP as "dumb jock"  just that it is the type that many athletes are.  The way she handed over the dignosis is you seem like an ENTP (pretty much the coolest smartest type) but you are actually just a really smart ESTP.

It's entirely possible that she said.  "I won't go into this because you are an ESTP" Or something even more diplomatic.  Doesn't really matter at the heart of it it is an insulting thing to say.

[briefcase]

I'm glad you stood up for yourself when you felt insulted.   

Boundaries are what define us as people.  They reflect our values, beliefs, preferences, and opinions.  You are protecting your need of dignity here, which is all good. 

As you begint to learn, apply and defend boundaries in your life, it's also important to remember a few things.  First, your boundaries are not rules that you impose on other people.  It's not a way to control others, its a way to define and protect ourselves.  Also, applying and enforcing boundaries will cause her to react . . . and probably react negatively.  People with BPD struggle to see and accept the boundaries of others.  As you work on this, expect that things might actually get worse before they get better in your relationship.   

[NotPerfect]

Well I am trying to ease her into it without causing an explosion unfortunately without the explosion sometimes we get a meltdown.

...

[spbpt]

I am so proud of myself working on liveable boundaries as ds is now an adult.

He doesn't drive so I chauffeur him to his sport which is often 45 minutes away.

Last evening as usual his ipod music was giving me a headache

and I pulled over... .  he was so surprised at my firm boundary that

he turned it down as I firmly asserted that I would no longer drive him

anywhere under those condition... .  yeah mom!

Susan

[tuli]

I thought that was beautifully done.  It took me a long time to learn to do that with my husband. 

Big step IMO.  It takes a lot of finesse to tell a borderline that when you do a good deed for her, she needs to not insult you.  That's a great boundary, and you let her know without accusing or blaming in any way.   

What you did was say what your feelings are, which is the one thing that cannot be argued about.  And that is the one thing she needs to start to care about instead of just her feelings. 

Nicely done.

[NotPerfect]

This a step in the evolution. A previous incarnation was to ask for an apology. That didn't work.

[tuli]

This a step in the evolution. A previous incarnation was to ask for an apology. That didn't work.

Still an awesome step.

Here is how it can be incorporated into an apology.  See what you think.

Her: Mean comment!

You: When you said that, it felt like you were saying I am bad or stupid.  I know you were just saying what you really meant, but could you just say you're sorry that it came out in a way that might have sounded like that so I know you don't think I am bad and stupid?

It really calls her on her game nicely.