What I've Been Through Lately

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all.

Typically I lurk on these boards.  Have been doing so for a year.  I have posted about my situation before, but choose to read and go to my therapy sessions instead of venting.  However I feel it's a good time to put myself out there and get some other viewpoints on what's been happening with me.

My uBPDso (with whom I have 3 kids with) is in the midst of securing a new place to live with her new GF.  This won't be the first time this happened as she did this once 7 years ago with another lesbian that she idolized at the time.  This time will be different however.  This time I'm not going into the separation with the pretense that we will be reuniting as a family down the road.  Last time we agreed to be apart and become stronger (something that I tried to do for myself as much as the family by going to school and working hard to get us a house.  She on the other hand, just spent that time goofing around with numerous other women, behind her new GF's back).  This time, there has been no remarks about a future together and I've already established a boundary that I WILL NOT take her back without her being in therapy for a while and taking responsibility for her actions.

I would be climbing the walls were I not in therapy once a week to discuss my roiling emotions and thought processes.  I am ever so thankful for my therapist being there, even if it's just to listen and let me vent.

Recently the two of us have been talking, not as a relationship but as friends about her disorder and her slowly coming to grips with her having issues, regardless of an official diagnosis.  I mentioned that I would love to start to send her things to possibly read, that she may educate herself on why she does things.  She has been receptive to getting therapy for herself on her own time and I know I cannot force her to move into it sooner than she is ready.  So far I have sent her a listing of therapists that take her insurance as well as being well versed in BPD.  I have also sent her articles on other websites concerning some of her behaviors.

I suppose I am doing these things to help her get better.  I can't deny there is a twinge of hope that she will one day return a much better person and we can have the life we once envisioned as high school sweethearts.  I can't give up on her.  It would've been easier to do so if we didn't have 3 kids and 16 years together.  I am resigned to the fact that she IS leaving.  I can't change it.  I don't really want to, as if she stayed, nothing would really change.  The dysfunctional dance would continue unabated.  We can't get better together.  We can only get better apart.  I've accepted that.

I know also that there are no guarantees in life.  Us being apart will not guarantee us being together in the future, despite her illness. Despite the long history.  Despite the children together.  She has cheated.  She has acted out in nearly all of the ways a BPD waif (which she herself has admitted she acts like) will do.  That behavior may continue, despite her being in a relationship with someone else.  She already has acted out on her new GF, unbeknownst to her. (Cheated with me and with a couple of other women).  She is fooling herself into thinking that she can control these urges and feelings once she moves out, but wishes to remain friends (possibly REALLY close friends) with me.

However, I know what I can control:

I can control whether I engage in behavior that goes against my boundaries

I can control my own happiness and who I spend my time with


I can retake my life and not have it revolve around her being there as part of a natural nuclear family.

I've already started to establish some boundaries with her as far as what she expects when she leaves.  I said I didn't know if I could remain friends with her.  Immediately she became very emotional (to the point of crying) and said "what about the days when she is on the road and I'm lonely?" (her GF is a trucker)  I am in a hard position on that one as I will need her to help raise the kids with me. (joint custody with me keeping them at my house and her getting weekends and 1 weekday.)

I fully believe she thinks things will be much better once she is out, and I can see it going either 1 of 2 ways:

-Things will get VERY real for her and being separated from the kids and being alone most of the time will become really triggering for her and she'll attempt to recycle me or gain another supply to feed her need.

-She will withdraw even more from the family and become even more about herself, and leave me to be more of the parent for our kids.

I just hope that whichever situation arises, I'll be strong enough to stick to my boundaries and stop the dance once and for all.

Thank you for your time in reading.  I look forward to reading the replies any of you may have, whatever they may be.

[LostSunshine]

Hi all.

Typically I lurk on these boards.  Have been doing so for a year.  I have posted about my situation before, but choose to read and go to my therapy sessions instead of venting.  However I feel it's a good time to put myself out there and get some other viewpoints on what's been happening with me.

My uBPDso (with whom I have 3 kids with) is in the midst of securing a new place to live with her new GF.  This won't be the first time this happened as she did this once 7 years ago with another lesbian that she idolized at the time.  This time will be different however.  This time I'm not going into the separation with the pretense that we will be reuniting as a family down the road.  Last time we agreed to be apart and become stronger (something that I tried to do for myself as much as the family by going to school and working hard to get us a house.  She on the other hand, just spent that time goofing around with numerous other women, behind her new GF's back).  This time, there has been no remarks about a future together and I've already established a boundary that I WILL NOT take her back without her being in therapy for a while and taking responsibility for her actions.

I would be climbing the walls were I not in therapy once a week to discuss my roiling emotions and thought processes.  I am ever so thankful for my therapist being there, even if it's just to listen and let me vent.

Recently the two of us have been talking, not as a relationship but as friends about her disorder and her slowly coming to grips with her having issues, regardless of an official diagnosis.  I mentioned that I would love to start to send her things to possibly read, that she may educate herself on why she does things.  She has been receptive to getting therapy for herself on her own time and I know I cannot force her to move into it sooner than she is ready.  So far I have sent her a listing of therapists that take her insurance as well as being well versed in BPD.  I have also sent her articles on other websites concerning some of her behaviors.

I suppose I am doing these things to help her get better.  I can't deny there is a twinge of hope that she will one day return a much better person and we can have the life we once envisioned as high school sweethearts.  I can't give up on her.  It would've been easier to do so if we didn't have 3 kids and 16 years together.  I am resigned to the fact that she IS leaving.  I can't change it.  I don't really want to, as if she stayed, nothing would really change.  The dysfunctional dance would continue unabated.  We can't get better together.  We can only get better apart.  I've accepted that.

I know also that there are no guarantees in life.  Us being apart will not guarantee us being together in the future, despite her illness. Despite the long history.  Despite the children together.  She has cheated.  She has acted out in nearly all of the ways a BPD waif (which she herself has admitted she acts like) will do.  That behavior may continue, despite her being in a relationship with someone else.  She already has acted out on her new GF, unbeknownst to her. (Cheated with me and with a couple of other women).  She is fooling herself into thinking that she can control these urges and feelings once she moves out, but wishes to remain friends (possibly REALLY close friends) with me.

However, I know what I can control:

I can control whether I engage in behavior that goes against my boundaries

I can control my own happiness and who I spend my time with


I can retake my life and not have it revolve around her being there as part of a natural nuclear family.

I've already started to establish some boundaries with her as far as what she expects when she leaves.  I said I didn't know if I could remain friends with her.  Immediately she became very emotional (to the point of crying) and said "what about the days when she is on the road and I'm lonely?" (her GF is a trucker)  I am in a hard position on that one as I will need her to help raise the kids with me. (joint custody with me keeping them at my house and her getting weekends and 1 weekday.)

I fully believe she thinks things will be much better once she is out, and I can see it going either 1 of 2 ways:

-Things will get VERY real for her and being separated from the kids and being alone most of the time will become really triggering for her and she'll attempt to recycle me or gain another supply to feed her need.

-She will withdraw even more from the family and become even more about herself, and leave me to be more of the parent for our kids.

I just hope that whichever situation arises, I'll be strong enough to stick to my boundaries and stop the dance once and for all.

Thank you for your time in reading.  I look forward to reading the replies any of you may have, whatever they may be.

[hithere]

I WILL NOT take her back without her being in therapy for a while and taking responsibility for her actions.

If this is her second lesbian relationship (that you know of) then maybe there is no future for you with her?

Even if she says she will do the things you demand... .   chances are she will not stick with it and she might not even believe it herself.  My ex made these promises, read about BPD and admitted some of it sounded like her.  She went to one visit with a BPD specialist and that was it.

It sounds to me like she wants to keep you warm on the side in case things don't work out with her new love interest, it also sounds like you will take her back for a recycle.   

If she really wanted to change you would not have to send her literature nor find her doctors, she would do it for herself.  Most people with BPD won't face the fact that they are sick, it does not sound like she will either.

good luck

[LostSunshine]

It's not the first.  Not even close.  7 years ago she cheated with her first experience and started a relationship.  It dissolved before moving out.  From there she had numerous encounters until she got with the one she moved in with.  When she left, she kept me on the hook saying "so you'll remember what you're coming back to." when she wanted sex the day we turned in our keys.

This will be her 3rd serious relationship.  Serious in the means that she'll move in with them.  She's got a lot of notches in her belt.

That's beside the point though.  The point is I know I can't deal with the dance anymore.  I deserve better, even if it's tearing me apart right now. 

You may be right about her not accepting her problems and doing enough to address them.  That is part of my boundary.  I won't engage until substantial progress has been made to offer change and remorse for actions over the years.  Again, this is no guarantee... .     It may be foolish to want to keep the family together if at all possible, but she has to want it too and for the right reasons.  Else, I'm ready to take the steps to move on with my life and let her deal with hers by herself.

I hear what you're saying about helping her along with the literature and stuff.  There are steps she would have to take to make her progress, but it isn't wrong to help her along right?

[blecker]

I hear what you're saying about helping her along with the literature and stuff.  There are steps she would have to take to make her progress, but it isn't wrong to help her along right?

It's never wrong to help.

The issue is whether you are the right person with the right skills and perspective too help.

I know that my emotional entanglement made it impossible for me to provide the help my X needed. My needs always entered the picture. Was like a surgeon operating on somebody while somebody was operating on him. Wrong and dangerous on all accounts.

The best help I could provide her in the end was goodbye.

[sad but wiser]

Blecker makes the point so well.   As long as you are her crutch, she will not go down far enough to recognize and have the motivation to change.

Your kids need you.  This has to be so confusing for them.  You need you.  Do the lesbian relationships bother you?  It would bother me if my ex's preference changed, but to each his own.

Seriously, you need to stop sleeping with her.  It does her no good for you to encourage her on the one hand and say she needs psychiatric help on the other.  Women are wired a bit differently than men regarding sex; promiscuity usually reveals a level of emotional pain, not just a need to have a physical or anxiety release.

[LostSunshine]

Thank you all for your input so far.  I know i'm no professional.  I guess  I am hoping that pointing out that her issues are not unique to her will spur her to get some help for herself and so she can be the best mom possible.  That's the real important thing here.

sadbutwiser,  I can see where i've been her crutch or safety blanket.  In my many thoughts of where to go from here, one point always comes back to me being the one constant in her life.  If i am gone... .   would that spur her to be different?  Impossible for me to know, but I know that I can not continue in the role of being her enabler.  There were many times in our relationship that I simply tried to fix her problems for her instead of letting her go through them herself. 

It has recently happened again as she was just fired from her job last week for poor attendance (a recurring problem of hers).  It's happened 9 times in the past 9 years.  Same type of work (CNA) and same type of result (poor attendance).  I am staying away from helping her through this situation.  She's on her own finding a job.  She asked me just this morning to do her Unemployment application and I refused.  I am insisting that she do it herself.  I feel pretty good about making that decision for myself.

[sad but wiser]

Good job, Sunshine!  Mine won't work either.  He's perfectly capable, but doesn't like keeping a schedule and having to answer to someone else.