Lonely child syndrome? Is that a real diagnosis? I was one of 5.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I thought the Lonely child syndrome explained my acceptance then eventual inability to remain with my pWBPD. I googled it to understand more and it does not appear in a form that credits it to the profession and since I was one of 5 it would not be me except I WAS the kid bullied... .  

I always play underdog ... .  maybe it's that. except she was NOT Sweet Polly Purebread unless ppp just liked to control with sex and thought she was better than everybody else but outgoing and flattery to your face then condemning to your back.

[Not2Crazy]

I thought the Lonely child syndrome explained my acceptance then eventual inability to remain with my pWBPD. I googled it to understand more and it does not appear in a form that credits it to the profession and since I was one of 5 it would not be me except I WAS the kid bullied... .  

I always play underdog ... .  maybe it's that. except she was NOT Sweet Polly Purebread unless ppp just liked to control with sex and thought she was better than everybody else but outgoing and flattery to your face then condemning to your back.

[sunrising]

I thought the Lonely child syndrome explained my acceptance then eventual inability to remain with my pWBPD. I googled it to understand more and it does not appear in a form that credits it to the profession and since I was one of 5 it would not be me except I WAS the kid bullied... .  

I always play underdog ... .  maybe it's that. except she was NOT Sweet Polly Purebread unless ppp just liked to control with sex and thought she was better than everybody else but outgoing and flattery to your face then condemning to your back.

I don't think "lonely child" is the same as ONLY child, unless I misunderstand what I've read.  I read a rather lengthy piece on lonely child syndrome and could relate to a lot of it. I think it has more to do with how you interact with your parents than your siblings (or lack thereof).  

I was one of 2 children.  My older sister demanded a lot of attention from an early age.  I can remember thinking from a fairly young age that the expectations were different for us.  Because she was a very defiant and unruly kid and teenager, I always felt as though all she had to do to receive praise was "not do something bad", whereas I had to actually "do something good".  My "bar" was higher than her's.  I have discussed this with my parents recently and they agree with that general assessment.  I was clear with them that I don't think they did anything "wrong", as I understand parenting my sister was very challenging at times (a.k.a. a nightmare).  But I now recognize how this dynamic within our family could have contributed to my "lonely child" development.  I learned to be self-sufficient and validate myself in times when all the attention was focused on my sister.  Self-sufficiency and validation are generally good tools, but when used in childhood to supplement for those things from parents, they can lead to "lonely child" traits.  At least that's my understanding of what I read and how it applies to me.  

[gina louise]

sunrising

I had the exact same family dynamic as you-two of us, and my older sister was the "problem child" that everyone focused on and spent a lifetime trying to fix, mend, bail out and guide. My poor Mother. It never worked.

My Parents were paying my sisters rent for years when she was 40+ years old, able to work, and had grown kids-Just so she wouldn't be living with them again!  it was really bad.

Talk about enabling. UGH. My mother's dying words to me were "take care of your sister!"  (6 years ago?)

ALL she had to do was show UP... .  not even act like part of the FOO, and she got credit.

I was the classic overacheiver in school, nose in a book... .  never tried drugs, did all the chores for both of us bc my sister would disappear for months at a time.

Complete double standards for us. Her "troubled life" was my life too- only without the booze, stealing, drugs/ running away. She was NEVER held accountable for any of it. that still kinda galls me.

And yes I was the Lonely and Invisible Child.

GL

[tailspin]

 

From what I understand, "Lonely Child" is a schema and not a diagnosis.  Schemas are the way we relate to and interpret the world around us.  If the lonely child schema resonates with us then it is because we likely experienced and recognized this particular way of thinking and relating to our environment.

It's important to understand these frameworks may resonate with us but may not be a healthy or productive way for us to live.  We are able to take in new information and reframe the way we think if we choose to do so.  There is extensive information available on schema therepy.

tailspin

[GreenMango]

It is a schema mode... .  

Schema Mode-Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child  The  Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child is a maladaptive schema characterized by feelings of being lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic.  The Lonely Child is prone to act in a passive, subservient, submissive, approval-seeking way around others out of fear of conflict or rejection; tolerates abuse and/or bad treatment; selects people or engages in other behavior that directly maintains the self-defeating schema-driven pattern.

More information

[sunrising]

It is a schema mode... .  

Schema Mode-Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child  The  Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child is a maladaptive schema characterized by feelings of being lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic.  The Lonely Child is prone to act in a passive, subservient, submissive, approval-seeking way around others out of fear of conflict or rejection; tolerates abuse and/or bad treatment; selects people or engages in other behavior that directly maintains the self-defeating schema-driven pattern.

More information

That's a lot of adjectives, some of which I think apply to me sometimes and some I wouldn't say really describe me.  But the parts you've underlined, particularly in the wake of my relationship with a pwBPD, seem to describe me pretty well.  

Should I punch my sister the next time I see her?    

Any resources for re-parenting myself?... .   I'd like to be less of a doormat.  

[gina louise]

sunrising

I have had some success just on my own- using Susan Anderson's books-Taming your Outer Child and From Abandonment to Healing.

Both very helpful.

Also Jeffrey Young's Book Reinventing Yourself. (schema therapies)

And Anything written by Albert Ellis.

Right now I can't afford a T.

GL

[sunrising]

sunrising

I have had some success just on my own- using Susan Anderson's books-Taming your Outer Child and From Abandonment to Healing.

Both very helpful.

Also Jeffrey Young's Book Reinventing Yourself. (schema therapies)

And Anything written by Albert Ellis.

Right now I can't afford a T.

GL

Thank you, GL.   I'll check those out.  I'm not a voracious reader, by any means, so I'm currently backlogged. This whole experience has caused me to take on more literature than I'm accustomed to reading in a year. I started "I hate you, don't leave me", got a ways into it, and decided I've read enough about BPD in the last few weeks.   Then I started "The Art of Loving" (Fromm) and haven't touched it in a week.   I've felt like I needed a break from all the psychological analysis, in general.   I became a bit obsessive about it; my activity on this site being a prime example.    However, I do feel pretty strongly that I've got a bit of the lonely child thing, so I want to examine that when I'm ready.   Thanks again! 

[mango_flower]

I'm not sure how this would pertain to me.

I was never a lonely child when younger - I had a brother 2 years younger and a couple of best friends.  And an awesome mother   and a Dad who provided financially, even if he wasn't emotionally available.

It was only at the age of 10 when my parents divorced, and I was alone in the sense I had nobody to talk to, my parents were all over the place and wrapped up in themselves... .  I just remember feeling lonely, anxious etc.

But surely my schemas would have developed by then?

Any ideas?

[GreenMango]

This lonely child may or may not apply.  There's other schemas that might be more applicable.

For the curious here is the short form:  www.schematherapy.com/id54.htm

For the super curious there's a long form:  www.schematherapy.com/id53.htm

It's an older version, but might give a good idea where you want to target your learning.  As with anything, having a therapist is the safest route.