about to enforce a boundary...

[Rockylove]

I'm going to enforce a boundary.  I told my bf that I'll sleep elsewhere if the partying was going to continue here at night.  I'm I'm taking the chance of him telling me not to come back, but that's ok too.  The mood that he's in right now will make it difficult for me to tell him that I'm spending the night at my friend's house because I don't want to be around the excessive drinking even though I've told him several times already.  I've got to be on top of my game when I tell him and come from the loving place in my heart so I can convey the message with a gentle spirit. 

I've no anger toward him which helps, but I'm fairly certain that he's going to blow a gasket on this one... .  wish me luck!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Good luck! It's a good boundary to set

[Surnia]

Rockylove

Yes, I wish you luck. As much as I can. 

I deeply agree to be not longer around him with his exessive drinking. I was really concerned about your situation lately when you described what you had to endure... .  

Go for it, stick with it. We will support you. 

[Rockylove]

Thank you both!  I know that I have to do this for my sanity.  This is a great exercise for me.  I'm faced with a very difficult situation and I will be dealing with it quite differently than I've dealt with things in the past.  I've got to get my Buddha on for this one!

[honeybadger]

Someone once told me "You can't enforce a boundary and care about the other's feelings at the same time."

Maybe "care" is the wrong word but I think you get the picture. Boundaries are about you and what you need and will/won't accept. So good for you! You're smart to anticipate the reaction--then it's less daunting. Good luck

[Rockylove]

Someone once told me "You can't enforce a boundary and care about the other's feelings at the same time."

Indeed!  And yes, care may not be the right word here, but the thought is that I'm doing this for me and I understand that.  Ultimately what how he reacts to it is up to him~~I've no control over that.  I thank you for the encouragement. 

[TigerEye]

Hi Rockylove

It certainly sounds like you're going in to this with the right attitude, a little loving detachment can be a positive process. The time away is going to give you the room to breathe, and a good nights sleep will prepare you well for what comes next.

All power to your boundary, stay true to you and it will feel better than you can imagine.

[Rockylove]

All power to your boundary, stay true to you and it will feel better than you can imagine.

sounds like the voice of experience, TigerEye!  Have you experience negative fallout from a boundary you've enforced?  Does this get easier (providing he doesn't just kick me to the curb for it)?

[yeeter]

Strength Rocky.     

Dont allow the situation to get physical in any way.  And as for telling - less is more.  You have already STATED your boundary, so next step is ACTING on it.

Stay safe.  Good luck!

[TigerEye]

Have you experience negative fallout from a boundary you've enforced?  Does this get easier (providing he doesn't just kick me to the curb for it)?

Hmm, it seems to depend on the size of the issue I feel. Some of the smaller ones have met resistance but have been taken up and were being worked on. Right now, having touched on a big one for me, I've not been with her for nearly 2 weeks and have not heard from her in the last 3 days, whether I will hear from her, I just don't know, but it was something I came to accept as a deal breaker, a boundary based on a value I hold dear. So yes, there has been some negativity, but I accept that this may be the case, but what is better, living with your values being disregarded or being true to who you are? I know my answer now 

So does it get any easier? I think it does when you come to realize why you are doing it, it helps you accept that you do not control the outcome, but you do control your choices.

[waverider]

All power to your boundary, stay true to you and it will feel better than you can imagine.

sounds like the voice of experience, TigerEye!  Have you experience negative fallout from a boundary you've enforced?  Does this get easier (providing he doesn't just kick me to the curb for it)?

There is often negative fall out, sometimes it will take many repeats before it becomes accepted, that is what the extinction burst is about.

I know the first time I set boundaries, I nearly cracked and caved, it got extremely stormy I could see no good outcome, then suddenly it was like a storm suddenly lifted and it felt like the brightest sunny day, I was on a high couldn't believed I survived it. To think I had nearly caved and fallen to the bottom of the pit again moments before.

It is one of the reasons why boundaries are best saved for bottom line essentials with no room for you to negotiate or retreat, or you will. You need your back against the wall to booster the courage.

Then again some boundaries are met with nil resistance, and you wonder why all the fear of erecting them.

But you never can be sure, so always prepare for the worse.

Once you have succeeded once it does give you faith in your ability to stand firm

[Rockylove]

Dont allow the situation to get physical in any way.  And as for telling - less is more.  You have already STATED your boundary, so next step is ACTING on it.

So I should just make arrangements to spend the night with my friends without saying anything more.  I'm good with that... .  it's what's in store for me tomorrow morning that I'm a little less confident about.  Geez 

[laelle]

Hey Rockylove, just sending you a little   this morning.

The boundary doesnt have to be put in a negative way... .    "hey you guys are driving me nuts, im going to go veg out at _____ house for a bit"

If that doesnt work, well you tried.  It not your problem how he responds to your boundary. (stay safe)  Its completely his choice.  You take care of you.  You never told him he couldnt do anything, only that you wouldnt do something.

[Rockylove]

Hey Rockylove, just sending you a little   this morning.

The boundary doesnt have to be put in a negative way... .    "hey you guys are driving me nuts, im going to go veg out at _____ house for a bit"

If that doesnt work, well you tried.  It not your problem how he responds to your boundary. (stay safe)  Its completely his choice.  You take care of you.  You never told him he couldnt do anything, only that you wouldnt do something.

thank you, laelle!  I really needed that   I'm nervous and really tired (he woke me at 4:30 this morning).  I don't do well when I'm over tired.  I'm hoping that I can catch a nap later on today to rejuvenate. 

[KateCat]

Hang in there, Rocky!

If you had all the time in this world, you could search the deep posting history of this forum to find the stories of women trying to set similar boundaries with a dysregulating guy from within his home space. (Maybe searching with phrases like "it's his house" or "he kicked me out again" or something.) I don't think any of them were successful in renegotiating the relationship unless and until they had their own spaces / places.

Can you make that happen? If not, he may feel more and more anger and shame at this unsettled situation and you may endure more exhaustion and stress.

Maybe you can hang in there as-is for a bit and see if things do normalize at the end of this remodeling project. Here's to that blessed time being very, very soon.

[123Phoebe]

Dont allow the situation to get physical in any way.  And as for telling - less is more.  You have already STATED your boundary, so next step is ACTING on it.

So I should just make arrangements to spend the night with my friends without saying anything more.  I'm good with that... .  it's what's in store for me tomorrow morning that I'm a little less confident about.  Geez 

Hi Rockylove,

I'm with yeeter all the way here.  And if tomorrow brings more dysregulation, well, maybe your friend's place will still be available.  Best not to stick around for any upheaval

[Grey Kitty]

Yeeter and 123Phoebe have it.

Remember--boundaries are not something you ask for, something you need agreement on, they are something you do to protect yourself.

(short of physical violence) he can't stop you from leaving. So step out for the night.

My suggestion re: the next morning... .  firstly, to avoid triggering fear of abandonment, and as general courtesy, I recommend leaving with a statement like "I'm going to sleep at X's house tonight and I'll be back at X o'clock tomorrow."

Note two things about this statement: First, your departure is not a question. Second, you say how long you will be away. Fill that one in based on your plans for tomorrow.

Thirdly (unstated, and no need for saying anything), when you DO come back, if he is unreasonable, you have the option of leaving again.

Good luck. I hope he just decides to call it an early night instead.

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

    Thinking about you! You have the right idea about trying to do this in a loving way. Don't let him deter you if he doesn't take it in a loving way though. 

[Surnia]

 

How went it, Rockylove?

We are here for you. 

[Rockylove]

thanks everyone.  I started a new topic since I didn't have to leave the other night, but decided to spend the night at my friend's house last night.