What about when they end the silent treatment?

[LetItBe]

uBPDbf called me today after acting withdrawn all last week after I set a boundary (that he agreed to honor, and did honor, but then accused me of trying to trick him, forgetting the conversation we had where he volunteered to honor my boundary).  It had sent him into complete dysregulation, which he shared a bit about his process with me earlier this week.  So, he acknowledged he was having a very tough time emotionally.  He seemed to be nearing some sort of equilibrium again last time I saw him.  I realized I'd been doing almost all of the reaching out to him for awhile, so I stopped.  He didn't contact me for 2 1/2 days.  Just silence, which is VERY unusual for us.  We were in contact everyday -- and it was pretty evenly initiated -- until one day last week.  Anyway, his silence, along with his comment about me trying to "trick him," his withholding affection and words of affirmation -- I know it's BPD, and it's not about me -- but it HURT!

This last almost 2 weeks cannot be swept under the carpet like it didn't happen.  I have to let him know how I felt.  Of course, like others here, that is not always welcome.  Sometimes, he'll turn that into how he can't "make me okay," and he has always broken up with women "whose happiness was based upon him."  Of course, I've talked to him about how I'm "okay" independent of this r/s, my happiness is an inside job, etc.  Anyway... .  

How have you handled similar situations after they push you away then come back?  Other than jumping back in without addressing it... .  

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[laelle]

Thats a toughie NonGF because you dont really want to discourage his detaching when he feels dysregulated.  Its healthier for both of you that he does.  To allow him time also will allow you your time.  They mimic us in a way therefore if he sees you giving him space, he will also at least in theory   give you yours.  You can say you missed him and your sad when he isnt around but that you understand that he needs time to himself.

In reality, he has every right to take time to himself.  Yeah, I know... .  it sucks. 

Its better he knows its acceptable to to detach than to feel he is doing something wrong.  He should do it less because he will have less anxiety about it.

[motherof1yearold]

Sometimes the silent treatment never ends with BPD. They use it as a form of punishment, yes punishment to YOU.

I have been receiving silent treatment from my BPD Mother in law for almost 3 years about. It won't end. They are the sick ones not you. I waited around about a year compassionately then learned more about the silent treatment tactic... .  not worth it... .  

[TigerEye]

Hey NonGF

Sorry, not really an answer to your question, but just another jaw dropping moment that makes me realize that at times there is almost a script running that only BP's have read, but they know their part off by heart. During my boundary setting I had a text accusing me of using "trickery" and saying "you've been caught out because I was astute enough to see through it".

It's moments like this that help me depersonalize some of the hurtful things that are said.

Hope in some little way it does for you to.

[patientandclear]

Same for me.  My version was how it felt like I had a "hidden agenda" when I was having a really heartfelt tender discussion with him about things that mean a lot to us both. I cared so much what he thought & felt. He couldn't believe/trust that.

The more purely we act the more obvious the trickery/hidden agenda is to them, I think.  Good intentions toward them cannot be taken at face value.

NonGF ... .  it's a tender time for you both. I'd just counsel to proceed gently while you consider the implications of all this. As far as I can tell Laelle is right though -- this is not thekind of thing that stops because you say that it hurts. The request & even your hurt feel like control.  The question is, can you radically accept this?

[daze]

How have you handled similar situations after they push you away then come back?  Other than jumping back in without addressing it... .  

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Jumping back in without addressing it is the walking on eggshells part.  If you try to address, it you have to use SET and DEARMAN unless you want it to blow up.  And it still might blow up even with SET and DEARMAN.  Timing is everything.

Then YOU have to be in the right mindset to use SET and DEARMAN.  If you're tired or have had a rough week like me today, forget it.

Sorry I don't have anything more positive to say.  It's one of those weeks, but I saw your post and it resonated with me because after some projection and baiting by my uBPDh last night and today, we are now in the silent treatment phase.

The whole deal gets really old.

[laelle]

By the way, everytime my bf took time to himself, he always came back almost blaming me for cheating.  The idiot, he is the one that left, not me.

Whenever we would break up and get back together he would say that he doesnt even know if he can trust me.  Its always someone elses fault and never the fault of the guy that tosses you aside and expects you to apologize for it... .  oops, I digress... .  sorry. 

[myself]

It's tough because if there was action to delve into it, it would happen, but it's often swept aside, complicating it. I've seen where not talking about it leads all involved to walk on eggshells, and when they start to crack they all can go at once. Healthy relationships would include the people talking honestly and coming closer as they do so, but these aren't typically healthy relationships here so there's no right or wrong because those rules don't apply. The timing is never really good because perceptions can change in a heartbeat. I think we need to be ourselves and those who can live with that, will.

[daze]

Healthy relationships would include the people talking honestly and coming closer as they do so, but these aren't typically healthy relationships here so there's no right or wrong because those rules don't apply.

Very true.  We are in unhealthy relationships.  We have to accept pwBPD as they are, or not.  For me, I have had to learn to communicate differently to EVEN SEE if my pwBPD will decide to address his issues, our issues etc.  He can see I am addressing my issues.  I had to be in a place where I could communicate to him what I think the issues are in a way that he will hear.

I think we need to be ourselves and those who can live with that, will.

I agree.  We have to be true to ourselves and our values.  Probably the worst part of the r/s with a pwBPD is if they mirrored our values during the early part of the relationship and then it turns out they don't actually share our values.  We can't compromise on our values and be true to ourselves.

[patientandclear]

I think we need to be ourselves and those who can live with that, will.

This is the best guidance I've found in all of this.  Then at least you can find yourself again when the dust clears, and someone in all the confusion has stood for something enduring and good.

[daze]

I think we need to be ourselves and those who can live with that, will.

This is the best guidance I've found in all of this.  Then at least you can find yourself again when the dust clears, and someone in all the confusion has stood for something enduring and good.

Beautifully worded.  Thank you!

[Grey Kitty]

You really can't "punish" somebody for giving you the silent treatment when they come back. Or at least doing that doesn't help anything.

You really can't expect a pwBPD to be able to acknowledge that they did treat you cruelly and horribly (which is what the silent treatment is). They just don't have the capacity to recognize this and apologize. (I think the first real apology I got from my wife after decades was a real milestone. An actual apology for her poor behavior, not something like "I'm sorry I'm such a horrible person." which I had heard way to many times.)

All you can really do is try to find ways of enjoying what you do during the separate time enough that you don't let the resentment build up.

I just wish it wasn't 1000X easier to say this than to do it. 

I really can't see anything you can "do" when they come back other than appreciate their company... .  unless you want to make things worse.

[Chosen]

Completely agree with Grey Kitty.  If you punish him for giving you the silent treatment it would be playing his game.

Telling him he hurt you because he ignored you will NOT work.  In fact, I know it will give the exact opposite of what you want.  Because he used it to punish you (for something he felt you did, like "make" him mad), he will do it all the more if you let him know it hurts you.

What you can try is to act like nothing happened.  But by doing that you will really have to learn to make it seem like nothing- keep yourself busy when he's not responding, be happy but not show it overly, and when he comes back just act like "oh hi here you are" and he will do it less.  That was what I did and now I get less silent treatments. 

[Grey Kitty]

Looking at what I wrote, there is a gentle side I forgot to include... .  

Talking about how much his silent treatment hurt you is a very real and important need of yours. (We've all been there with you on bpdfamily.com)

Wanting to say something about it is completely normal and healthy.

Hating how they "pretend like nothing happened" is also completely normal and healthy.

But reality is gonna kick you in the butt if you give in to those desires. Remember--what you really want is to make your relationship better, and this sort of "discussion" won't do that!

[Elsegundo]

Interesting point.  I've always wondered what folks do when they do come back.  Seems you're saying not to mention it.  So what DO you say?  (What is useful?) And how do you account for the fact that they did things to hurt you, especially if they won't/can't apologize?  I'd love to hear more.