Just curious

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As I read everyone’s thoughts here, I find I do relate so much, as most of you do, to what we read.

My struggle is this, I assume most of us aren’t psychologists or trained therapists; I am actually studying to be a counselor and yet, I can’t without any doubt say, yes, she struggles with BPD. Yes, there were lots of little mini dramas that have played out, there is shifting moods and seemingly inabilities to control emotions. There was childish lying and excuses and a total unevenness to our “love”. She would even say she didn’t know if should could ever love me the way I deserved or as much as I did her. There was stories from her past of sex too young, drugs, marrying young, multiple affairs, devaluing her ex’s and then a too soon “relationship” with a married guy soon after her divorce. Then there was me days after she “walked away” from the married guy thing. (I found out later, 5 days before she contacted me she had invited him to dinner and he turned her down}  So there is the string of bad relationships, the apparent need for a man in her life, the lack of empathy for others and a blatant selfishness. At times she was more like a 16 year old in a 48 year old body. There was little devaluing except for a few things she said the day she ended it.

So, how do we truly know? Or can we know? I am pretty left brained and logical, I am a good man and am cursed with wanting to do what is right and know the reasons for things, (ie: Perfect target) but I admit, if I could ever simply say with no doubt, “yep, that is the problem”, I could let go of my guilt and confusion. There were certainly mistakes I made, but I could tell myself now, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had made none, we would still be here due to one of us being disordered.

Does anyone else think these things?

[theboro504]

As I read everyone’s thoughts here, I find I do relate so much, as most of you do, to what we read.

My struggle is this, I assume most of us aren’t psychologists or trained therapists; I am actually studying to be a counselor and yet, I can’t without any doubt say, yes, she struggles with BPD. Yes, there were lots of little mini dramas that have played out, there is shifting moods and seemingly inabilities to control emotions. There was childish lying and excuses and a total unevenness to our “love”. She would even say she didn’t know if should could ever love me the way I deserved or as much as I did her. There was stories from her past of sex too young, drugs, marrying young, multiple affairs, devaluing her ex’s and then a too soon “relationship” with a married guy soon after her divorce. Then there was me days after she “walked away” from the married guy thing. (I found out later, 5 days before she contacted me she had invited him to dinner and he turned her down}  So there is the string of bad relationships, the apparent need for a man in her life, the lack of empathy for others and a blatant selfishness. At times she was more like a 16 year old in a 48 year old body. There was little devaluing except for a few things she said the day she ended it.

So, how do we truly know? Or can we know? I am pretty left brained and logical, I am a good man and am cursed with wanting to do what is right and know the reasons for things, (ie: Perfect target) but I admit, if I could ever simply say with no doubt, “yep, that is the problem”, I could let go of my guilt and confusion. There were certainly mistakes I made, but I could tell myself now, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had made none, we would still be here due to one of us being disordered.

Does anyone else think these things?

[DragoN]

Yes, think the same. Know the same.

Some times it was quite wonderful, but then again, compared to the raging and verbal abuse? Little bit hard to clearly evaluate.

If you were to plot out a time line and sector it into # of Days normal conversation. # days of being ignored or raged at. # days that had a wonderful beginning and then ended in Chaos.

What might it really look like?

[seeking balance]

if I could ever simply say with no doubt, “yep, that is the problem”, I could let go of my guilt and confusion. There were certainly mistakes I made, but I could tell myself now, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had made none, we would still be here due to one of us being disordered.

Does anyone else think these things?

Early on, I posted something about "do I want to be happy or right" and since I was already miserable... . I just wanted to be right.  A wise senior member at the time said to me, "you lived it, it wasn't healthy, why does a diagnosis matter? How can you focus on you?"

Gulp - well, it doesn't matter.  People who got a diagnosis have the same guilt as those w/o.  Guilt is a staple tool for pwBPD to gain control - FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). 

Ultimately, I had to accept that I did the best that I could with the information that I had and even if my ex never became diagnosed - that fact doesn't change. 

Letting go is hard, before we can get to acceptance, we have to go through the other phases of grieving - bargaining is one of them... .

Hang in there,

SB

[theboro504]

I agree, it certainly shouldn't really matter. I am discouraged at times that I let my own issues flair up at times even after so much work prior to her and I being together. Its been about 10 weeks now, she has only tried to contact me the 4 times and other than the first call where I didn't answer and she left a message and in it said in this rather dramatic tone of voice after a long pause. I love you. The other contact has been very business like and always a mention of talking to her. So its difficult to tell if this is an issue for her. If it is she is highly functioning and only those who are very close get a glimpse. All our mutual friends think she is a pure sweetheart. I got news for them, she ain't pure by any stretch of the imagination and can be a sweetheart on a good day.

Little by little I care less if she is or she isn't, I just can't help thinking though if I could pin it down, I could expedite my own healing. Life really shouldn't be this hard or dramatic should it? Is it really this hard to simply love someone and be good to them?