Does an expwBPD ever miss us or have things remind them of us?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does my expwBPD ever miss me or think of me? I want to get to the point where I always answer "Maybe, but it doesn't really matter." And not have that statement seem sad, but just true.

At one time this question ran my life, was foremost in my mind morning, noon, and night. My ex got engaged 2 and a half weeks after we broke up, to someone he met 3 days after we broke up, and they married a few weeks after that.  I was completely at sea, bewildered, shocked, devastated, and very unsure of myself. I could barely get out of bed. Lost 12 pounds and half my hair. What happened? I DESPERATELY needed to know that I had been, and was still, important to him in some way!

But actually, I didn't need to know it. I still don't know it, and I am still breathing and life goes on. That was a year ago. I think for a long time I wondered so much about whether he thought of me or not, that I didn't really think about my own self or my own life. And that was/is a REAL problem, not what he might or might not be thinking of me.

I would like to think that I was/am important to him, but I think it is really just some kind of reassurance about myself that I am seeking, as in "I am worthy of love, aren't I? Still worthy of his regard? Despite all this evidence to the contrary?" But he is a very poor source to go to for that kind of validation. And, even if he were a good source, he doesn't owe it to me. He moved on (in a big way!). Shouldn't I?

Having said that, I do think that finding info about BPD has helped, in that it allows me to understand  how someone can behave as my ex did. But I don't think it serves me well to wonder and hope that he thinks of me. Though I do wonder, sometimes.

[BradyK]

Does my expwBPD ever miss me or think of me? I want to get to the point where I always answer "Maybe, but it doesn't really matter." And not have that statement seem sad, but just true.

At one time this question ran my life, was foremost in my mind morning, noon, and night. My ex got engaged 2 and a half weeks after we broke up, to someone he met 3 days after we broke up, and they married a few weeks after that.  I was completely at sea, bewildered, shocked, devastated, and very unsure of myself. I could barely get out of bed. Lost 12 pounds and half my hair. What happened? I DESPERATELY needed to know that I had been, and was still, important to him in some way!

But actually, I didn't need to know it. I still don't know it, and I am still breathing and life goes on. That was a year ago. I think for a long time I wondered so much about whether he thought of me or not, that I didn't really think about my own self or my own life. And that was/is a REAL problem, not what he might or might not be thinking of me.

I would like to think that I was/am important to him, but I think it is really just some kind of reassurance about myself that I am seeking, as in "I am worthy of love, aren't I? Still worthy of his regard? Despite all this evidence to the contrary?" But he is a very poor source to go to for that kind of validation. And, even if he were a good source, he doesn't owe it to me. He moved on (in a big way!). Shouldn't I?

Having said that, I do think that finding info about BPD has helped, in that it allows me to understand  how someone can behave as my ex did. But I don't think it serves me well to wonder and hope that he thinks of me. Though I do wonder, sometimes.

[Vatz]

My SO will probably forget all about the good times with me some day. I'm pretty sure some day she will demonize me. Oh well.

[jaird]

"The thing that is the wall or that makes it impossible other than to enjoy short moments of connection, is her complete inability to communicate or express much shame, remorse or deep sympathy... I have learned and i know she feels things so deeply that to acknowledge these things as I would need, for her feels like a kind of 'death'."

Incapable of any type of empathy, sympathy or admitting wrongdoing-yes.

[jaird]

"At one time this question ran my life, was foremost in my mind morning, noon, and night. My ex got engaged 2 and a half weeks after we broke up, to someone he met 3 days after we broke up, and they married a few weeks after that.  I was completely at sea, bewildered, shocked, devastated, and very unsure of myself. I could barely get out of bed. Lost 12 pounds and half my hair. What happened? I DESPERATELY needed to know that I had been, and was still, important to him in some way!

But actually, I didn't need to know it. I still don't know it, and I am still breathing and life goes on. That was a year ago. I think for a long time I wondered so much about whether he thought of me or not, that I didn't really think about my own self or my own life. And that was/is a REAL problem, not what he might or might not be thinking of me.

I would like to think that I was/am important to him, but I think it is really just some kind of reassurance about myself that I am seeking, as in "I am worthy of love, aren't I? Still worthy of his regard? Despite all this evidence to the contrary?" But he is a very poor source to go to for that kind of validation. And, even if he were a good source, he doesn't owe it to me. He moved on (in a big way!). Shouldn't I?

Having said that, I do think that finding info about BPD has helped, in that it allows me to understand  how someone can behave as my ex did. But I don't think it serves me well to wonder and hope that he thinks of me. Though I do wonder, sometimes."

I feel for you, Brady, I really do. But yes, this is probably not the type of person you can go to for an honest answer. I know with my ex, there was a complete lack of honesty the last few months of the relationship.

There is a joke, "Women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake an entire relationship". Well, my ex is a woman, and she faked a good 2-3 months of the relationship, if not more.

[BlushAndBashful]

Previously, I would have said no- not only because they paint us black and truly believe we are bad, but also because I know my ex was masterful at blocking out thoughts of me. Out of sight, out of mind. Object consistency.

But in the last year, I have concrete proof that twice he has gone out of his way to somehow "help me out" behind the scenes. We have had no contact for well over a year, and he does things anonymously. I don't want to go into details here, but this goes above and beyond just him "thinking of me" or "being reminded of me".

[Hurt llama]

"The thing that is the wall or that makes it impossible other than to enjoy short moments of connection, is her complete inability to communicate or express much shame, remorse or deep sympathy... I have learned and i know she feels things so deeply that to acknowledge these things as I would need, for her feels like a kind of 'death'."

Incapable of any type of empathy, sympathy or admitting wrongdoing-yes.

It's getting weird on this board when I read so many posts that I literally don't remember if I wrote them or some of my fellow members! It's funny... . in this case I am reading words I did write and thinking someone else wrote them... .

Twilight zone... .

oh, btw, I agree with myself too... haha

[SadWifeofBPD]

At one time this question ran my life, was foremost in my mind morning, noon, and night. My ex got engaged 2 and a half weeks after we broke up, to someone he met 3 days after we broke up, and they married a few weeks after that.  I was completely at sea, bewildered, shocked, devastated, and very unsure of myself. I could barely get out of bed. Lost 12 pounds and half my hair. What happened? I DESPERATELY needed to know that I had been, and was still, important to him in some way!

Wow... . I know how painful this can be because I had a very similar thing happen in college.  My college boyfriend and I dated for over 2 years.  We broke up after I had uncovered some fantastic lies that he had told me (he had greatly exaggerated about some aspects of his life and I found out that they weren't true.).  That same week his friend set him up with his younger sister (who was still in high school!).  They got engaged 2 weeks later!   He would bring her onto campus to parade her in front of me so I had to transfer colleges.  I was devastated, hurt, insulted, and had so many questions.  Fast forward 25 years.  I ran into my exboyfriend.  He's long been divorced.  That marriage was very stressful.  He told me that he's Bi-Polar (with NPD as well) and sincerely apologized about everything.  After all those years, I felt like I got the "closure" that I needed from that relationship.  Of course I'm glad that I didn't marry him, but I had had these long lingering questions that were finally answered.  


I hope that you can get similar closure... . and not have to wait 25 years!  (( hugs ))

[SadWifeofBPD]

They tend to line up replacements very quickly, as well as project that on the partner while doing so.

This is very true, and it can be the very painful because of how this is done.  They quickly latch onto a new "love" to make it look like they are the normal ones because they have found someone who thinks they're awesome.  

This pattern should have been a red flag for me (H going from one relationship to another rather quickly), but I misunderstood.  H started dating rather late (didn't date in high school nor during the undergrad years).  So, the fact that he had a good number of serial relationships from about age 23-28 appeared to me as an effort to "make up for lost time".  

He had not been honest about how short-lived most of these relationships were.  If he had, I would have been more suspicious.  He had claimed to have had a 2 year relationship with a girl named Julie, when he was a grad student, but then recently, he was telling a story about a couple of other girls that he dated in grad school, I detected the huge contradiction, and it came out that he had only dated Julie for 3 months!  So, the longest relationship he had prior to me was 5 months.  If I had known that, I would have been more probing about why all of his relationships ended quickly.  

When my H came home from rehab (and he had filed for divorce while in rehab), I saw many papers that he wrote on while in the clinic.  On many papers he wrote about wanting to quickly find someone new who would have more empathy and would do more for him.  (H always complained that I didn't do enough for him, even tho I waited on him hand and foot!).  It was painful reading his notes because it was clear that he's intent on replacing me because I "wasn't good enough".   My sister keeps telling me that he'll never find someone willing to do as much as I did because women today just aren't wired to do all that I did for him... . at least most professional women won't do it, and that's what he wants.  He certainly doesn't want a SAHM at this point. He wants someone who's earning a good buck, and those women aren't used to "taking care of a man" like he's expecting... . .  

Anyway, it is painful when they move on quickly to another relationship because it appears that they are broadcasting to the world, "see, there's nothing wrong with me. I have a new love, while my ex has nobody."  That is painful.  

[Billa]

Hurt llama

Scary stuff isn't it?


it is easier for us to focus on what was terrible and missing in the relationship. Lack of empathy, lack of honesty, true intimacy, lack of accountability, lack respectful discussions about sensitive issues. Etc.etc.

His actions would be different if he valued / loved me. He doesn't. I am an object to serve a purpose. Part of his facade.

They tend to line up replacements very quickly, as well as project that on the partner while doing so.

I agree with you, though I'd still mind to know, in my heart... . I he loved me, he'd never treat me with such desrespect and cruelty. If he loved me, he would try not to openly humiliate me. But he didn't.

[rogerroger]

Speaking for myself, I have had to accept that one of the reasons I got sucked in by her for so long is that I have a hard time accepting that someone might not like me. So when I have wondered whether she ever thinks back on what used to be with sadness for what was lost, I have to consider that the motivation is just that I (still) have a hard time accepting that she might dislike me and that there is nothing I will ever be able to do about it.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I agree with you, though I'd still mind to know, in my heart... . I he loved me, he'd never treat me with such desrespect and cruelty. If he loved me, he would try not to openly humiliate me. But he didn't.

My sister explained this to me that Axis II PD folks "love" as well as they are able to.  They aren't able to "love" to the same extent as a healthy person.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I know she misses or thinks of me from time to time, but I'm over the delusion that it's like I think about her.  She thinks about me when her mind goes that way, and the emotions are real for that moment, before fleeting off to something else.  I know I had a significant impact on her life and emotions, and I also know there is slim chance I can see the world her way; we're dealing with disordered people here, and if they weren't, maybe we could have navigated through relationship challenges together, like mentally healthy people, but no, that was not to be. 

[mtmc01]

Mine has given absolutely zero indication she misses me in any shape or form in the six weeks since she left me. She's all I can think about 24/7 (freaking dreams... . ugh), and she's apparently very happy without me.

[paperlung]

Mine has given absolutely zero indication she misses me in any shape or form in the six weeks since she left me. She's all I can think about 24/7 (freaking dreams... . ugh), and she's apparently very happy without me.

Sorry, man. It's tough, ain't it? Just remind yourself that her life isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows forever. She's mentally ill, and the cycle will go on.

[rogerroger]

I don't know whether this is true or not, but it is possible that they do have these feelings. But when it happens, they are triggered to take actions to try to escape the pain. Painting you black is one of those actions - they are trying to convince themselves that you are responsible for their pain because it is even more painful to accept that they have brought much of it on themselves.

[jaird]

I don't know whether this is true or not, but it is possible that they do have these feelings. But when it happens, they are triggered to take actions to try to escape the pain. Painting you black is one of those actions - they are trying to convince themselves that you are responsible for their pain because it is even more painful to accept that they have brought much of it on themselves.

That's a great point Roger. I too get blamed by my ex for her erratic behavior, rants, and all the rest of it. I got blamed for so much, and while I have my faults, the difference between she and I is that I acknowledge and work on my faults. I try to approach my mistakes like a mature adult, reason things out, reconcile, and move on. My ex is incapable of any of that. Everything is someone else's fault.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know whether this is true or not, but it is possible that they do have these feelings. But when it happens, they are triggered to take actions to try to escape the pain. Painting you black is one of those actions - they are trying to convince themselves that you are responsible for their pain because it is even more painful to accept that they have brought much of it on themselves.

That's a great point Roger. I too get blamed by my ex for her erratic behavior, rants, and all the rest of it. I got blamed for so much, and while I have my faults, the difference between she and I is that I acknowledge and work on my faults. I try to approach my mistakes like a mature adult, reason things out, reconcile, and move on. My ex is incapable of any of that. Everything is someone else's fault.[/quote]
It has to be our fault, because they feel so terribly about themselves that they can't accept the blame, it's too devastating.  That was one of the hardest things, once she went into devalue mode, I couldn't do anything right, got defensive all the time, and the urge to fix and rescue just kept escalating.  Learning that it was all projection from these boards and elsewhere was a godsend; sure, I wasn't perfect by any stretch, but there were only a few things that were legitimately my fault, and owning just those feels so much better.

[jaird]

Yes, Heel

I am just acknowledging now that I am not responsible for her cruel, cold behavior, and her leaving. I know it is truly nothing I did, it is all how she feels. She knows this too. I know I am not responsible for her condition, and I now know that all the love in the world won't "cure" her. It is what it is.

[LetItBe]

Mine missed me while we were broken up for 6 1/2 months.  He didn't take our picture down for 4 months after he broke up with me.    He wouldn't go to our favorite restaurant.  He tried to contact me periodically.  His friends "knew" we'd get back together.  His friends and family were thrilled when we got back together because he was unhappy when we were apart.  Well, guess what, the 2nd "honeymoon" only lasted about a month, and now, he's back to being unhappy.