Triggers... Do you face them ( and process... ) or do you walk away from them?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Relatively simple question, triggers which remind you of ur ex, like a book, a romantic place, a car, parfum, food, whatever.

Do you face it dead on... . ? Let the pain succumb you?

Or do you go and seek cover? Pretend they arent there and hope time will heal these wounds and if by the unfortunate circumstance you do see a trigger it will hurt u less?

[HarmKrakow]

Relatively simple question, triggers which remind you of ur ex, like a book, a romantic place, a car, parfum, food, whatever.

Do you face it dead on... . ? Let the pain succumb you?

Or do you go and seek cover? Pretend they arent there and hope time will heal these wounds and if by the unfortunate circumstance you do see a trigger it will hurt u less?

[ComoLu]

I have done both.  Some triggers are so painful that I cannot process them at that moment, but eventually over time, I have.  Others, I just grit my teeth and get through them.  My children and I wound up moving back to the town where I met and married my xH.  I try to avoid the places we frequented when we were together.  Slowly I have been able to deal with more and more, but it is a difficult process, and I doubt that I will ever be completely healed.  Good luck with your pain.  Only you can decide what you can and should handle, but you can always use the strength of your friends and family to help you stand strong.  It has worked miracles for me.

[LuckyEscapee]

Hi Harm 

I have faced most head on to desensitise myself, and have found that I quickly replaced the old feelings with present day ones. For me the hardest part wasn't physical triggers, it used to be seeing/hearing things I knew he would like, but not having that interaction.

Even now though, like only the other day, I was blindsided by a song on the radio (most special ones I made myself listen to, to not 'lose' them from my life by having to avoid them) but this song was one that I had forgotten about. I was in floods of tears before I could reach to turn it off, so I just cried through it.

It's a long term process Harm, it takes work from us and good old fashioned time.

[paperlung]

Face them every day I step outside, man. Just give myself a quick sigh then move along.

[Clearmind]

harm - what are some of your triggers and how do you process them?

[HarmKrakow]

harm - what are some of your triggers and how do you process them?

Nasty question :P but, screw it, i'm going for it.

My biggest triggers are;

Towns

We lived together for an entire year in a town in the Netherlands. Luckily I'm 200km away from that place at the moment. I can not, go back there. I literally get superbly nasty feelings. My stomach turns around 180 degrees. I literally get puking feels. That place is one big trigger nest. I can not, under any circumstance, ever, go back there. I can't. I won't. I can't even take a train who would stop there ... . or even go through there.

Even hearing or reading the name of the town is to much.

Places

Places we have went to. Theme parks? Will never visit there again. Specific emotional places we shared? In the park? Where we walked? Never ever. Supermarkets we went to ? I avoid it.

Music

I am incapable of listening to music. I havent listened to music for a long time. I can't listen to any music at all. It all reminds me of the times of the past. This, this I avoid deeply.

Facebook & Linkedin

This I unfortunately still check. Why? Because I'm weak. Does it hurt ? You bet ya ... . but when I have this pain I face it dead on, and try to let it sink in again.

TV-shows

All the TV-shows we watched are a big no. I avoid them at all costs. I've stopped watching tv-shows.

Travel

All means of travel we shared together, train, tube, I avoid at al cost.

Memory

Well. You have nothing to. What happens? You think ... . you remember the past. And ... . you cry. You cry endlessly. Do I face this dead on? Yes. I do, my goodness I do. Because the majority of people would go do something in order to 'not think' about the past. Mow the lawn, go on holiday, go to a bar, watch a match, whatever.

So the thing I face dead on is memory. And I would cry constantly, endlessly, Cry, let it go... . let it sip out of the system. My therapist said that the most healthiest way out of this r/s ... . and into a new life, is to face it dead on. You want to cry? Cry ... . cry and cry and sleep on the floor of the living room if neccesary. It is no problem you cry for 4 hours in a shower, that you can't eat nothing and puke everything out again. Let it go ... . process it ... . grieve ... .

Why? Because the other option, just 'do' other things, I could go working, 80h a week, and go out every weekend, you don't process such a deep emotional loss. You basically would dig all sort of holes around your front door and pretend they arent their. And ... . maybe 1 ... . 3 months or even years after a break up ... . or into a new r/s ... . or even in a next new r/s ... . they can haunt you back ... . and that would make the cycle complete.

It relates to this video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o80Q4pLvTE

[Clearmind]

Nasty question :P but, screw it, i'm going for it.

Good for you

Recognizing our triggers harm and finding ways to process them is very healthy.

Thanks for sharing the places you feel triggered. I hear you there!

Can I ask how you feel inside your body when you are triggered - where does it sit? Face is on fire? Belly churns? Body heats up? Mind ruminates?

What is in your mind when you are triggered - You get tired and shut down? Angry? Resentful?

Cry, let it go... . let it sip out of the system.

crying is a way for us to self-soothe yes

[HarmKrakow]

Nasty question :P but, screw it, i'm going for it.

Good for you

Recognizing our triggers harm and finding ways to process them is very healthy.

Thanks for sharing the places you feel triggered. I hear you there!

Can I ask how you feel inside your body when you are triggered - where does it sit? Face is on fire? Belly churns? Body heats up? Mind ruminates?

What is in your mind when you are triggered - You get tired and shut down? Angry? Resentful?

When the trigger happens, I feel a deep emotional burden through my body which sorts of paralyzes/poisons me within a few seconds. Which slowly goes into a crying state ... . and then into a skull splitting state where I literally(!) shout it out of the pain and just lie on the floor ... . crying very loud. Very loud.

Because of all the 'emotional crap' getting out of my body ... . I ofc. notice there is a lot of stress in my body physically. What happens? I puke after such a 'attack'. Then it's back to bed again.

What is in my mind?

Guilt

How could I have let this disordered woman let to me? Why did I allow myself to get codependent on her ONLY the last few months which is likely the simple mistake of, I thought love would prevail, and because I let her abuse me mentally for months and months, when i got out of it, self-confidence was stripped, gone, forgotten.

Shame

She never took responsibility for anything. She never took the blame. It was always me, I always made the mistake, I was always the one to blame for. So why shame? Well, I feel ashamed for thinking that it might have been me all along ... . and need to be reminded by friends, my doctor, my therapist and the people here that it wasn't me.

[wanttoknowmore]

Harmkorow,

I prefer to face them... . I deliberately look at gifts,pictures and places. I am not afraid of these things as they represent a reality at that point of time in my life... .   those moments were beautiful . This keeps me from getting angry and hateful and keeps my thinking balanced. I feel she meant it then but now,she cannot do it. I even feel thankful to her for some really amazing moments and memories she gave to me. I dont want to be greedy. Everything comes to an end... . even our life... .   it was great while it lasted. I still long for those moments and feel sad and angry sometimes. But, I can not hate her. I dont even want to forget her. Strange... .

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkorow,

I prefer to face them... . I deliberately look at gifts,pictures and places. I am not afraid of these things as they represent a reality at that point of time in my life... .   those moments were beautiful . This keeps me from getting angry and hateful and keeps my thinking balanced. I feel she meant it then but now,she cannot do it. I even feel thankful to her for some really amazing moments and memories she gave to me. I dont want to be greedy. Everything comes to an end... . even our life... .   it was great while it lasted. I still long for those moments and feel sad and angry sometimes. But, I can not hate her. I dont even want to forget her. Strange... .

Deliberately looking at gifts pictures and places is indeed a way, and facing the problems is always the best way however, in my opinion there is no points in keeping all the gifts and pictures and all that sort of stuff. Whats the point?

They remind you of a period of what meant a whole lot to you but didn't mean to her? You feel she meant it? I'm sure she wanted you to think that and she definitely still, even after the break up, succeeded in it.

I'm not thankful for my ex for some of the times we shared and memories she gave me. Truth be told, I rather would have spent it completely different. I know what I perceived was different from the actual reality at the time. Why would I be happy having laid in bed with a sheep while in reality it was a wolf? That is the inner sense of fooling yourself. I call that having identity issues (well, as through my therapist). You dressing yourself in athletic clothes doesn't make you an athlete.

I fully agree on the fact that hating the BPD ex isn't a good thing. I don't hate people in general. Yet again, I ask, whats the point? Why waste energy in being upset with someone? Seriously. Whats the point? Whats the point in getting clench fisted and get angry and be like 'wraaah' he so hurt me. He is such an ass? Or she is such a ass. Hate goes very, very far. There are a lot of people in this world who 'feed' on you hating them.

Of course you don't want to forget her. During the idealization phase you probably endured the best time in your entire life, and most likely the best in your entire life from a biological point of view (as in the chemical reaction in your head). It's the same of being high on drugs, detach completely and sometimes, from time to time, long back to that 'high' feeling. That's normal.

[wanttoknowmore]

harmkorow,

I believe she did enjoy and was very happy AT THAT TIME. She told me at the end that she willnot be able to forget those days so please dont contact me  as it will not make me move on. They  genuinely experience those great moments but only during those times. Look at pictures and videos... . they are so real... . facial expressions,gestures, words all seem so real.  Even the best hollywood actress can not act in such a real way. I conclude that in those moments ,evrything was real but not now.

[HarmKrakow]

harmkorow,

I believe she did enjoy and was very happy AT THAT TIME. She told me at the end that she willnot be able to forget those days so please dont contact me  as it will not make me move on. They  genuinely experience those great moments but only during those times. Look at pictures and videos... . they are so real... . facial expressions,gestures, words all seem so real.  Even the best hollywood actress can not act in such a real way. I conclude that in those moments ,evrything was real but not now.

Sociopaths are indeed very good at that, let you believe whatever they want and keep you entangled in such a thought.

I can assure you, if she is a true BPD, she will forget those days and has moved on, and will only haunt back to you for emotional feeding.

What you state there, seems to me as clinging behavior to a expression, a word, a smile, a <3 heart or anything like that. It's one of the first things being told in therapy that a NON-BPD and sufferer from a break up needs to let go of it, because it wasn't real. You were being used where the intentions were not on the same level although you perceived it as, of course logically, reality!

It's something I also struggle with. I thought it was special, I thought I was special for her, I thought the moments we shared were utterly special. What she says as in regards of; "please don't contact me" is simple self-preservation behavior from HER point of view.

[wanttoknowmore]

Harmkorow,

you may be right but for me,its very hard to believe that it was all fake.

I never had such an experience in my life with anyone else.

What do you think about her giving full access to her FB showing pics that she is happy and busy in community service. She is still keeping all our pictures of gifts I gave  in last 2 years on her FB. I even asked her to block me from FB and her phone so I can not reach her. She did not do it. Whats her motive? Why would she like to have evidence of our r/s on FB if she has another guy.It can cause problems in new r/s.

No evidence yet of another guy.(atleast visibly)

[HarmKrakow]

Harkorow,

you may be right but for me,its very hard to believe that it was all fake.

I never had such an experience in my life with anyone else.

What do you think about her giving full access to her FB showing pics that she is happy and busy in community service. She is still keeping all our pictures of gifts I gave in last 2 years. I even asked her to block me from FB and her phone so I can not reach her. She did not do it. Whats her motive?

No evidence yet of another guy.(atleast visibly)

Aahh ... . there we go. I can see you had a crack of faith here. To me, that sounds good, you have no idea how long it took therapists and other professionals to convince me. Including reading official papers on this etc.

It is indeed very hard to belief. It is, seriously brother it IS.

Mate, the realization of the fact that it wasn't real. That is was a pure projection, a malfunction in her head and basically you falling in love with your own alter ego in female form was hard. I've cried for hours, and well, days and weeks. The pure realization and acceptance of it, that, what I thought was:

1) that I had something special with her

2) that I was special for her

3) that we shared tender emotional moments

4) etc... .

Was all a load of a baloney. And don't put this in the, we just came out of a break up and thus we see everything what they did to us as BAD. No. BPDers are emotional predators. They hunt, and feed on their prey. They can, due to their emotional malfunctioning, feel perfectly the black sheep in a herd of white ones. That would be 'us'. As we were the ones vulnerable to them. They feel a constant void, and the moment they are attached to you, they don't let go, the moment they are done with you, they let you go emotionally.

Meaning, they don't process past relationships the way we do. They don't grieve the we way we do. They don't. The moment they move on, they don't cling anymore on the past. It has no emotional value to them. However, because they don't (!) process past relationships or friendships, the moment they are in another one, those things come to 'haunt' them back, which drives their mind in overdrive again in a new friendship/relationship making the cycle whole (and thus the hatred phase starts again).

You tell me, that she still shows you access on FB? I can tell you that mine gave me her password of her mail, where she openly discussed me with her sister on how much a **** I was. She still has pictures I made for her on her media pages. Motive? Who cares about the motive? BPDers don't think in lines as we NON's do. They simply don't.

When we think, a BPD would do this or that. They likely will do something opposite. Its the unfortunate truth.

[Clearmind]

What is in my mind?

Guilt

How could I have let this disordered woman let to me? Why did I allow myself to get codependent on her ONLY the last few months which is likely the simple mistake of, I thought love would prevail, and because I let her abuse me mentally for months and months, when i got out of it, self-confidence was stripped, gone, forgotten.

Shame

She never took responsibility for anything. She never took the blame. It was always me, I always made the mistake, I was always the one to blame for. So why shame? Well, I feel ashamed for thinking that it might have been me all along ... . and need to be reminded by friends, my doctor, my therapist and the people here that it wasn't me.

Often when we are triggered it sets off a memory tape or flashback taking us back to the original trauma. Your ex was a catalyst for this trigger which most likely stems back to when you were a little person.

The reason why you will always hear on the board - turn the focus on you! Is because your ex was a meer symbol of something you haven't healed from a long time ago.

All this she did he did needs to come to point where we do look at these triggers - yours being Shame and Guilt - a little more deeply.

Dig deep harm because the answers to you moving forward are not based on semantics.

You started your thread with a very good question Harm - it would be good to go back to your original question - which was actually about you. Somehow we got off target.

From an outsider looking in I would say that some of the posts here are the result of a trigger! . When you write these events about your ex what underlying emotion are you feeling? This says more about you and how you manage/don't manage your triggers than it does about your ex. We cannot change them. You can change the way you see it.

Source: Find ways to balance out your triggers using Wise Mind

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" -- having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrusting, intolerance, confrontational, defeated... .  

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

Thought is the Building Block of Our Reality

Cogito ergo sum ( "I think, therefore I am" is a philosophical Latin statement proposed by René Descartes. This is one of those things that is so obvious, and so rarely considered. The world around us is what we perceive in our minds.  The blind man lives in a ark world.  A paranoid man lives in a fearful world.   A loving man lives in a loving world.  

We are how we think.

The Mind is a Friend, Lover, Torturer, and Teacher

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or anyone to inspire us. People can offer us their opinions,  it is only that which the mind decides has any relevance that we take on for ourselves.  Only the mind that can complement us, insult us, lift us, or destroy us.

We can influence this.

Reasonable/Logical mind, Wise Mind, Emotion Mind

Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap.  It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind.

The goals of mindfulness practice are simply to practice and to experience “Wise Mind”. You’re in Wise Mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in Wise Mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully.

Notice that we’re not saying the goal of mindfulness practice is happiness or having a life free from trouble or having an experience of nonstop joy. However, people who practice mindfulness will tell you that they get better at enduring pain, better at solving problems, better at not creating misery for themselves, and better at participating fully in those moments of life that are joyful.

How Do We Do This?

By paying attention to ourselves in real time. There are books written about this, but the short answer is to paying attention to yourself, observe yourself in a purposeful, in the present moment, and without immediately overlaying the old filters on the situation.

How Does This Help Us?

There are several ways that mindfulness can help reduce the intensity, duration, and frequency of unhelpful habitual response patterns.

• Loosening the grip of habitual responses that cause (additional) suffering.

• Slowing the pace of thoughts/reactions.

• Reducing the intensity of unhelpful habitual responses.

• Increasing the spaciousness of present awareness.

• Noticing, enjoying and cultivating positive experiences and emotions

• Making connections that weren't there before.