Letting go gets easier

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm 6 months out now since I was turned black.  I will tell all the newbies to this site that it does get easier.  even 2 months ago I was a shell of who I was - now I'm realizing that it's ok to be alone - I've reconnected with old friends and have met a number of new friends.  I realize too I don't mind being alone - the weeks I don't have my daughter still suck - but I'm ok with being alone - not having to give 150% with it still not being enough.  Do I have my moments - YES - but I have come to realize that it is her loss (my STBexw) not mine - So for all you newbies (even though the pain is bad now - things do get better)

[cal644]

I'm 6 months out now since I was turned black.  I will tell all the newbies to this site that it does get easier.  even 2 months ago I was a shell of who I was - now I'm realizing that it's ok to be alone - I've reconnected with old friends and have met a number of new friends.  I realize too I don't mind being alone - the weeks I don't have my daughter still suck - but I'm ok with being alone - not having to give 150% with it still not being enough.  Do I have my moments - YES - but I have come to realize that it is her loss (my STBexw) not mine - So for all you newbies (even though the pain is bad now - things do get better)

[Validation78]

Hi Cal!

Glad to hear that you are doing well and making the most of your life. It's amazing how pulling away from the things we feared loosing the most turns out to be for the best. It's not easy, and getting past the pain of the loss is tough, and all worth it! I didn't realize how much life was being sucked out of me until I let my hope of a normal relationship with my stbexBPDh go. The anxiety, the fear, the lack of sleep, the distraction from work etc, just wore me out. It's sad to come home to an empty house, but the peace I feel when I walk in the door far outweighs the company of BPD and all it's ill effects. There is hope for all of us. We must simply take the leap of faith, believe in ourselves, and do what is best for our own well being, in spite of our desires to make our relationships work.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Surrender]

Cal you have no idea how much I needed to hear that. I'm almost 4 weeks in and today is a terrible day... .   feels like I'm feeling the pain all over again. It's literally a day to day thing but I'm broken through and through, so your word's offer me a hope. I find I'm shutting myself off from the world... .   and everything in it. Have no desire and can't seem to see 'color' in anything. Feel like I've just been through a war and am all cut up.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. I want to believe... .  

[laelle]

CryingWings, this post has really helped me with the pain your going through.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

The monkey puts his hand into the jar, grabs the nuts, and then finds that he can't get his fist out through the opening. If the monkey would just let go of the nuts, he could escape. But he won't.

[cal644]

crying wings - trust me I was there.  I couldn't eat or sleep seemed to be crying and down all the time - thought how could this happen, what went wrong, how will I make it another day.  But then day by day thing got better - I'm getting back to my old self who loved life and people.  I think the point finally came when I said to myself ENOUGH OF HER MIND GAMES. It is her loss - I know that now - when she told me she was a shell of a person who didn't know how to be a good wife or good mother I realize she was right. When she told me that I'll be ok in life - she was right.  Of course that was on one of her sain days - now she hopes I rot in hell ().  The thing is I know who I am, I know what I stand for, I know my morals and values, and while she may have mirrored them for years that is not who she is - she doesn't know who she is but I KNOW WHO I AM. She can now mirror her new knight in shinning armor and actually she probably feels more comfortable with him since he is exactly what she had in childhood - some times people with BPD are just addicted to misery - they cannot appreciate the good things we have given them in life because they don't feel that they deserve them.  Remember one day at a time - the roller coaster will go on for months if not years ... .   but each day things do get better (at least for us)

[babyducks]

"When we're dealing with a major loss or strong attachment, we always need to begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. These feelings are the stickiest aspects of attachment: the excited desire we feel when we want something, the anxiety we feel about losing it, and the sense of hopelessness that can arise when we fail to achieve it."

This pretty much sums up where I am, trying to deal with what feels like bone crushing sadness at having ended the relationship that I had such high hopes for.  I understand that it is not safe for us to be together, we certainly bring out the worst in each other but I miss her terribly and there is that seductive pull of wanting to see her, talk to her one more time.   I keep telling myself that this will pass, without much believing it and when I think of her, offer up a small prayer for her.

[Surrender]

When she told me that I'll be ok in life - she was right. 

It amazes me how similar the things they say are. My ex would always tell me the same things. That I would be ok in life always and for me never to worry about that. That he was empty and love couldn't even fill him up because there was nothing inside him. He was full of contradictions but in those moments when he would actually 'really' tell me more of the truth about himself, the descriptions were always referencing the great emptiness that dominated and set the stage for everything within him.

He would say things like: I'm just 'empty', everything is a void, I'm nothing, I'm a loser, I'm selfish and an ass who doesn't care to give but only takes. I'm just going to drag you down and destroy you along with myself, someone else can love you better, someone else can take care of you because I can't even take care of myself, I don't deserve you and I will only ever hurt you, the world scares me, I'm lost in the world, lost in myself, I'm broken, and not there, not anywhere, your love can't fix me - make me feel something through the pieces... .  to take away this pain... .  that never goes away... .  and so on.

It was all there in these expressions all along. I know what you are saying is true Cal and in time I will feel this more and more. In many ways I was being tortured with him even in loving him through the broken pieces. My heart tells me that not being with him anymore will stop many torments that were a huge part of loving him. I know I'm already healing but the reel keeps playing over and over again in a fresh agony of the things he would say that made me feel scared for him because I knew they were true for him. That torture will never leave or heal for him but I know mine will and that is really sad when you love someone.

So like you Babyducks I too offer up a prayer for him and always will. That is a beautiful way to look at it.