Should I change the name used to denigrate and control me?

[chayka]

Since I was at primary (elementary) school, I've wanted to change my first name. I didn't know why at first, I just hated it.

As I got older, I realized that I disliked it so much because I associated it with my childhood, which I knew was extremely unhappy (though, again, I didn't quite understand why that was).

But I never had the confidence to change it. I kind of muddled through by getting everyone to call me by a shortened version of my name, which is okay. (It's no use for formal situations or introducing myself, though, as it sounds too much like a nickname.)

Then, about 15 months ago, I found out about BPD, and was shocked to discover that the symptoms fitted my mum's behaviour exactly. With that realization came a lot of very painful childhood flashbacks, including some that made it clear to me that my mum had frequently used my first (and sometimes my last) name as a term of abuse. She almost always included it at the end of a sentence describing how stupid, useless, selfish, lazy, disgusting or wicked she thought I was.  (She still uses the longer version of my name when she's attempting to manipulate or control me.)

Suddenly, I was like: "OMG, why didn't I get rid of that damn radioactive thing before?"

I feel really motivated to change it now, but also very nervous. I'm in my mid forties. Will people accept a change of name (perhaps last as well as first name)? Will it work? I mean, maybe all the toxic crap would just transfer to my new name... .   ? How is my mum going to react? And will I feel able to identify with a name I genuinely like, rather than one that makes me feel defiled and ashamed?

Lots of stuff is going through my head right now.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, whether or not you've been through something similar, as I know that people here will understand how I feel.

(Of course, if I did change my name, I wouldn't be able to go public about why - only my closest friends would know.)

Thanks, guys.

Chayka

I enjoy using the name Chayka, btw.

[XL]

Wow, me too. I have so many pen names, nicknames, joke names. Some people, including exes, can't spell my real name because I used to just introduce myself with single letter nicknames.

I also got a bizarre, unspellable name, and no one in my life has pronounced it correctly. I think that reinforces some loss of personality. As a small child I felt I wasn't even worth enough for people close to me to want to learn my name.

I have an arts career and also want to distance myself from toxic family over involvement. One of my cousins is in a "mildly viewable celebrity position" and it is becoming a nightmare for them. I want to shake my name off for that reason as well.

I'd say go for it and change your name. You're the one who has to use it everyday.

[Elfie]

I think if you want to change your name, you should go for it. Several of my realatives did so in adulthood - it's not an unheard of thing to do. I also have several friends who switched to going by their middle names in late teens/early adulthood.

What about starting to go by the name you prefer among your friends for a sort of "trial period", to try it out? Then, as you get used to it and it becomes more a part of you, you can go forward with making it official? Just some thoughts

[ScarletOlive]

Hi chayka,

Changing one's name is a really empowering thing. It gives you the chance to change how you view yourself, to start over, and to feel pride in who you are. If you want to, go for it! You don't have to apologize, feel guilty or bad, or explain why to people. If it's something you want to do, you have every right to do so. One thing I caution you is to be sure you want to change your name. I changed my name for a bit-a trial period without switching it legally. I liked it, but eventually decided that I could reclaim my real name for my own. But it sounds like you've been certain for a long time. You control your destiny. Have at it girl!

[AbbyNormal]

This was one of those threads where I was shocked to find out that other people felt the same way. Like XL, I was given a bizarre name. My mom says she heard my name on an old movie. Well, we rented said movie years ago and that wasn't the name on that movie; she misheard it. My uBPD mother maintains it's a real name but I don't think it is. If you googled it, I would be the only hit.

Growing up, my name was used like a curse word to punctuate rages. Since becoming an adult, I have shortened my given name to something more palatable. For shear ease in terms of paperwork, I'd suggest using a middle name or trying to reinvent your first name. However, if that isn't feasible, then I'd change it. You can't have a name as an emotional trigger, which it sounds like it is. Good luck and thanks for the post!