I was mean and His Birthday Is Sunday

[drv3006]

Okay, so after trying again with this person.  6 months now.  I think I found this Board back in September when it was just three weeks.   I keep surfing on the get rid of him board because deep down I knew he was toxic for me.  So, anyway, after trying to help him again with his ex wife, I got a lashing on how I don't validate.  Please  I have been trying to validate since I found this board and even running to the bathroom dropping to my knees begging God to help me keep my mouth shut  I finally blew up I mean really I did.  Texting told him to just keep telling me what is wrong with me.  And he did with no problem.  Anyway, so once again he bashed my AA Program and my sponsoring people  And I let him have it.  I Texted some awful stuff.   I even went so far as to tell him I was going to the bar.  (which I kinda was contemplating and had to call my sponsor)   I did not drink thank God, but after that I got like 29 text messages from him.   I did not read one of them.  I could tell from the first line that they were very mean and two calls around 1:30 in the morning.  Last one stating he wished he never met me.  Then silence.   Okay so feeling guilty with the lousy things I said about him needing to go back to his ex cause she put up with him for 17 years (poor gal)   And he has no one and he never shuts up.  And then ending it with him thinking I was going to drink, now his birthday is Sunday.  Frankly, I think i best that I don't wish him a happy birthday.  Best for me, but if they are so miserable, I feel like I causes some major guilt on him (saying I was going to drink) and now me.   I just need some reassureance that I don't have to wish him a Happy Birthday and  And maybe some of you were mean to them once too.   My sponsor told me to leave him be and if I need to make amends to a man like that it would be far into the future.  What do you think. 

[laelle]

Hello drv,

Poor dear, it sounds like your dealing with alot of emotional turmoil.  First, let me ask, you are posting on the leaving board, but I really couldnt gather from your post if you are wanting help with making the relationship better, or help detaching from a relationship that is over for you.

When they are raging, there isnt really much you can do but limit your contact with them until they blow over.  All it manages to do is upset you and then you feel guilty after you calm down.

[drv3006]

I know I have to get out of this relationship.  That's why I keep reading on this board.   Its crazy, I have been sober and happay for five years.  In six months with this man I am  hating and doubting anything I do to say   Constantly, something wrong with me.   The only thing good this man has shown me was that in sobriety I still have difficulty with men and I have to figure out why.  That's about it.  But I hate the fact that this guy pushed my buttons to the point that I blew up and became hateful.  I know hurt people hurt people.  But I am disgusted that I stooped that low.   He is bad for me and my sobriety, but sometimes he says stuff that makes me feel like the problem.   Its impossible to speak with him.  If he affects my peace and sobriety he has to go.  I know that now.  But its sad.   

[laelle]

Ok, so you have decided that you are leaving then.

While all of our stories are unique, there are alot of similar dynamics going on.

Raging

Projection

Devaluation

Impulse control

Lack of Empathy

I know you said you have been lurking on the website for a while, have you had a chance to read up on the traits of a BPD?

found here. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

First I want to say WOW, congratulations on your commitment to staying sober, and I can really understand how the stress of the relationship with you bf/ex  would push you to your limits emotionally, physically and mentally.  You are worth it tho.

It is common for a BPD to devalue you and that is why you can do nothing right.  It is the opposite spectrum of the Idealization phase.

They see you as perfect and you gradually are demoted until you reach a point where they see you as flawed.  Normal relationships understand this.  Its part of love, care, empathy and acceptance in a relationship.  A BPD cant understand this because they can only see in black and white, as well as have little to no empathy for whats hurting you.  When you become flawed, for them, it gives them every right to tell you that your arent perfect, because through their reality, you are suppose to be.  To them, you deserve it.

Rest assured, we all have our own problems and we all played a part in our dysfunctional relationships, but we should not ACCEPT the guilt thrown at us for not being perfect.  We dont have to be.

Cut yourself a little bit of slack on being hurtful.  Yes, I know that we would like to remain calm and above board while they are being rude and hateful, but if what yours tells you is like what mine told me, being angry and hurtful is a NORMAL reaction.  Its normal to defend yourself.

Love yourself, you have been through alot.

I also noticed you questioning why it is that you having trouble in relationships with men.  I think that is a very fair question to look into.

Are you seeing a therapist?  I think alot of us here do to help deal with the untangling of our relationships as well as finding out what brought us to be involved in a relationship where someone treats us like crap basically.

Ok, so your leaving, are you going NC or do you plan on keeping some contact?  :)o you think you can handle contact?

[drv3006]

I have tried contact I have tried no contact.   I just want out.  I feel guilty if I don't acknowledge his birthday cause I'm gonna get it if I acknowledge it or not.  He pooped on mine

The thing that upsets me so is him thinking I am a mess.   I even went to the doctor thinking it was me.  Asking my shrink if i was borderlline   I mean this guy has me convinced in 6 months that my AA program was crap and I am still a mess because his  DBT says  blah blah blah   He talks alot like he knows and works this DBT stuff.  He told me after he took that DBT he was CURED.  CURED really do you get cured. .  Now he is curing me.  He says AA has done nothing for me.  Well it kept me sober for 5 years.  He says that I shouldn't sponsor.  I sponsor lots of women.  he says I am like his ex.  He says this and that and then starts telling me I am doing stuff that in all acuality HE does!  It makes me think I am going nuts.  It really does.  And then if he says or does something, he will say he never said or did it.  Or my pesonal favorite YOU DO IT TO!   Everything is wrong with me. 

I am a co-dependent submissive person  until I get pushed to becoming aggressive.  I have been sober for five years.  So I have been working on not being a Yes girl, still working on that.   I do seem to attract men who have a lot of issues and then they tell me everything that is wrong with me.  He can't even see his kids without supervised vistation and I work for lawyers and he tells me constantly how bad lawyers are and they never helped him.  Once he knocked my AA Program again, I just went off  I really did!  I mean bad.  I could care a less if it feels like burned skin or not  (that' what he says)  Now I feel bad for yelling at him knowing he is sick.  Something I would never get from him.  I should have listened to all of you when I posted in Sept.  of last year.  I thought three weeks was not enough time to make a judgment on someone's mental state.  Now he has made it on me and I get scared he is RIGHT.  Which messes me up.  Afraid to hear from him.  Afraid not to.  Benn there before with alcohol  Thanks for listening

[laelle]

Drv, if you only knew how many times I recycled my relationship thinking that this time it will be different.  Every time I tried 1+1=0

As I have been told, we all have issues, but it doesnt mean you have BPD.  With my ex he was very good and pointing out things about me that were true or mostly true, but who asked him to be my judge, jury and executioner.  I dont need him to know who I am or who I am not.

If I change things about me, its because I choose to, not because he finds it an ugly blemish on my being.

You say you want him gone, what is your plan?

If your NC you wont get crap for not wishing him Happy birthday because the /ignore button works wonders.  Think about this a little while.

Asking for it to be over and still worrying about things like birthday wishes hints at wanting to stay connected to him in some way.

I ask you again, Do you want to make the relationship better, or do you actively want to work at detaching.  I completely understand your anger and hurt.  Heck I lived it too.  With the exception of the times he raged or hatefully criticized you, were you ever intentionally and verbally abusive with him?  Did you always treat him the way he treated you?

[seeking balance]

 My sponsor told me to leave him be and if I need to make amends to a man like that it would be far into the future.  What do you think. 

Your sponsor is wise - I suggest taking her advice.

We have all said things during the heat of the moment we regret... .   there comes a time when the most kind thing we can do is to let go completely.   It sounds like you are a trigger for him and he is likely a trigger for you... .   grieve the loss and move forward.

[drv3006]

In answer to your question, I am seeing a therapist and I have to  go no contact  Its like alcohol for me.   I'd like to have it but I can't.  The same with him.  I'd like work on it with him.  I'd like to try and understand, but I can't.  He is bad for my sobriety and that makes me sad.  Some of my old behavior returns when I am with him.  He disturbs my peace.  So, do I want to go No contact.   No, I would like to be a mature enough person who can handle his illness like I hope I would get a mature enough person to deal with my disease of alcholism.   But I do believe our diseases trigger each other.   And that makes me sad.  Like these last five years I have learned nothing.   I know that is not true, and just him in my head telling me those things.  I had to have learned something to quit drinking for five years as he had to have learned to.   Its just sad that we can't see eye to eye on anything.   I try, I really do.  When I stay quiet then I am a bad person he says I am shutting down.   When I talk he says I don't know how to validate.  Please I have been studying this validation thing for 6 months now.   He told me he was cured cause he took DBT and I don't have to validate.  So what is it.  I don't give an opinion and say I see how you would think that.  Then he says I shut down.  I do give an opinion and then I am a liar arrogant and many others.   Its just sad to me.   NC is th only way to go and I feel stupid.  Again, I wish I would have listened to you all in the first place.

[laelle]

Sometimes it just takes another spoonful of something to know your finished with it.  Keep moving forward.