How to start moving BPD wife towards therapy?

[LoverDay]

BPD wife (who is a psychologist) wants to buy our home with her sister's (who is a divorce lawyer)  help and not put my name on the title at her sisters request. This is way over the line for me.

Is it wise to:

1. Mention to her a recent study that found that some people's brains feel negative events much stronger than others.

2. Ask her father and sister some questions about her childhood and then explain that these are signs that she has an emotional regulation problem. (So they won't wrongly encourage her)

I'm trying to start moving everyone towards understanding the problem. When is it right to start doing these things? I haven't found any BPD  specific material on this.

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[joe_schmoe]

I know it might be unrelated (or is it?), but why would she want to buy your home and not put your name on it? Who owns it now? You might want to point out how odd that is and ask what the motive behind it is.

I am basically in the same boat (not the house buying but rather the BPD thing and no one knows) and I don't have any good advice (I wish I did). I've been trying to get others to recognize the patterns of behavior and see that it is real. Our marriage counsellor saw it and as soon as she did, my wife stopped going to her. My family can see it, but few others can. It's very frustrating. Sorry.

[briefcase]

 

Hi LoverDay and welcome!

If leaving your name off the title to your house is way over the line, then you should say no.     I know that can seem easier said than done sometimes in these relationships, but this is clearly a boundary issue for you, and you should stick to it!  You can learn more about boundaries and lots of other valuable tools to help you and your relationship in the Lessons.  Be sure to check them out, there's some great stuff in there.

There is also some discussion about whether to tell someone they have BPD (the experts recommend against it) and getting someone to see a therapist (it really has to the her choice, not yours).  It's worth the read.

Our focus here is really on ourselves, not our partners or even the relationship (sounds strange, I know).  If you keep reading, posting and working through the Lessons, this stuff starts to make a whole lot of sense! 

Glad you found us.   

[hithere]

From my own experience and from reading 100's of posts here I don't think there is a way to ease her towards therapy.  That is one of the most frustrating parts of BPD, their resistance to therapy.  When I was going through depression many years ago and realized it, I wanted to go to therapy to help stop the pain.  I think there is so much pain and shame involved with BPD that to accept that and start therapy is just too much for most people.

What she is doing with the house sounds odd and it reeks of paranoia and possibly plotting an exit strategy from the marriage.

good luck

[Auspicious]

It almost never works to "confront" someone that you believe them to be mentally ill ... .   picture her confronting you in that way, since you don't believe yourself to be mentally ill.

(Except you would probably handle it better, since you are presumably not very emotionally unstable ... .   )

As briefcase suggests, reading our Lessons and trying to deal with the house issue in a rational way are probably your better bets.

(I would also suggest the book I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help by Xavier Amador.)

[Auspicious]

Also, you might try to discuss the house issue in marital therapy.

Try to find a marital therapist ahead of time who has experience with PDs, but don't go into it with the idea that she has a PD.

[LoverDay]

Thanks everyone for your help. It really means a lot.

My approach is to gradually raise  consciousness about certain behaviors and emotions.I have already completely changed my approach and communication with her so I am more validating and anti abandonment. I have spent a huge amount of time reflecting on the BPD materials and on how my wife "works".

I thought mentioning the study would would be a non threatening way too help her understand why she has felt so much pain since early childhood. Since her brain registers negative emotions more strongly than others that is what has led to her BPD symptoms. This makes it much less shameful and judgemental. It might even be a relief .Since  others shut down her expression of the negative emotions she is much less responsible for the shame and paranoia and anger that dominate her life.

Does that make sense?

I'm surprised there aren't better materials on how to move a BPD wife towards therapy. E.g. how long do you practice validation etc? What should her emotional state be? Etc... .

I guess I'm interested in others experiences of how that happened and exactly what words they used. I would love to Skype with anyone on this, or on how they are at least trying.

[Sammamish]

I agree there is a lack of resources on how to approach this. The commonly held view is that the person has to want to seek help for themselves.

My uBPDw's anger episodes got so bad that there was no avoiding the issue,  though she only agreed to see a therapist because I started seeing one. She is still in therapy though I have no idea if BPD is even being addressed. Your wife may be more aware of these issues being a psychologist. My T said that a person may well aware that there is a problem but it is too painful to deal with.

May be worth discussing the issue with a therapist yourself, one who is well-experienced with BPD.

What will you do about the title of the house? Does your w have a reasonable explanation for this?

[briefcase]

May be worth discussing the issue with a therapist yourself, one who is well-experienced with BPD.

I'm surprised there aren't better materials on how to move a BPD wife towards therapy. E.g. how long do you practice validation etc? What should her emotional state be? Etc... .

We all understand your desire to see your wife get treatment.  It would be great if she does, and maybe she will.  She's a psychologist, so she may be more (or maybe less) open to idea that therapy is a good thing for her.  But for therapy to work, she has to accept that she has a problem and then commit to the treatment.  Some people with BPD have this insight and follow through, others don't.  Wether she gets treatment - and really commits to it - is up to her.  

If this is a deal breaker, you can ask her to get help using DEARMAN.  It's been done.  Same with ultimatums.  Sometimes it works and they get help because they know they need it.  Sometimes (most times) they say no.  Sometimes they go to therapy for a while because they feel forced into it but only go through the motions.  You know your wife better than us, this isn't one size fits all stuff.

For your sake, I hope she gets treatment.  I also hope that you don't put all your eggs in this basket.  What's your next step if she says no?  Just remember, there are ways forward even if she never gets treatment.  Those are the ways we mostly focus on here.  

Let us know what she says.  I'm pulling for you!  

Oh, and if you do ask her to get treatment, its best that you focus on the behaviors that are causing problems and not mention BPD.