ready, SET, now what? (long)

[AbbyNormal]

Hi all,

I've been trying to practice SET with my uBPD mother. I know that the practice is for me and not to expect a change out of her. However, I've been feeling like her responses are just underscoring HER truths. I don't know what's being accomplished. I don't want her to think she's just proven her point (even though I know that's what BPDs do) and I don't want my FOG cloud to overshadow me again. It was a realization to me that I haven't always been in the wrong all these years. I kept thinking I could do better or be better and she'd be happy. Even now I have to actively remind myself that this isn't true.

So, in previous posts, you've heard me talk about how she is alone, lives several hundred miles away from me, and makes unreasonable demands as ways for me to "prove" my love. I have been setting real boundaries for a couple of years now. I haven't seen her in nearly 3 years. That's a whole other post but, suffice it to say, it was the result of a real witch episode. I do, however, speak over the phone with her.

The result I've seen from the boundaries has been her raging that she feels the distance I've put between us and she sometimes withdraws into a waif-like state. I am particularly leery of this behavior because I've fallen for it in the past and as soon as she thinks your guard is down she will cut you into pieces.   I call it the witch in waif's clothing. Right now she is in one of those retreating, waif-like postures but I can feel the seething rage bubbling beneath the surface. Example:

BPDm: I have nothing left to say to you. There have been too many empty words passed through the years. I need help and there's no one here. You're just like everyone else. (*meaning everyone else who has abandoned her.)

me: I'm sorry that you feel alone. It must be hard to feel like you're facing your challenges by yourself. I have been trying to help you. I have done x,y,z to help.

uBPDm: I don't have any hugs and kisses nor anyone to hold my hand. I don't have anyone physically here to do the work I need done. I don't have a big sum of money given to me to hire the work I need done. So, you're "help" is meaningless. Unless you can give me physical affection, physical help or money then your words are meaningless.

I used to visit with some regularity and my husband and I spent all of our vacation time and money fixing things at her house. It was never enough and never made a difference, she always wanted more. We are currently physically, emotionally, and financially exhausted from helping her. I was forced into boundary-setting with her because I was finally pushed to the point that I couldn't "move mountains" for her anymore. I was trying to give 100% to her and 100% to my own family. It doesn't work. I try to help her find affordable people to do work for her and I help her a very small amount financially. That's all I can do but I have to remember that even when I did a lot, it was never appreciated.

Once I told a friend of mine who knows my mom that I wish I had tons of money. That way, whatever she needed, I could just hire done. He said nope, as soon as I had unlimited money to give she would make her sense of lacking about something else. He's right. I know that's true. I don't want to be NC with my mom but she repeatedly gives me ultimatums where if I don't do whatever it is, she wants no contact. I hate that game and it leaves with no choice but NC because I won't (and now can't afford) to give into her demands. Another example:

uBPDm: You're just like your dad and everyone else. You've abandoned me.

me: I'm sorry that you feel that way. I know my dad hurt you. I have stayed in your life now, as an adult, trying to help you for twice as long as you even knew my dad. I haven't left.

uBPDm: You are the only one who is a blood relative. That's the only reason you've stayed. If I wasn't your mother, you'd have left a long time ago. (*I have to admit there's some truth to that.) As a matter of fact, you did leave. As soon as you were old enough you left. So, you stand corrected. (*She's referring to my marrying and moving away when I was 22.)

Despite holding my ground, both of these exchanges left me with a heaping-helping of FOG when the conversation ended. I had to talk myself down off the proverbial cliff. Sometimes I even think about giving up and moving back just so I can satisfy myself that I've given all I have. Like, here, I've given everything, are you happy now?    Healthy, I know, but it's been out of sheer frustration and being desperate to shed the FOG. I've read posts on here where people have done just that. Some never moved away or started families to begin with and invariably I see that those people feel like they've lost their entire lives to this illness. That's one of the most therapeutic things I've experienced here--the view from roads untraveled.

[Vivgood]

I don't have any hugs and kisses nor anyone to hold my hand. Unless you can give me physical affection... .   then your words are meaningless.

I find this unbelievably creepy . If this is an example of what you've been dealing with... .   I'm so, so sorry. And glad you are creating healthy boundaries.


vivgood

[Swampy]

Abby, thank you for your post.  I'm new here but it seems to me you've handled you Mother very well.  How did you ever avoid the PTSD, that from my perspective is inevitable?  I am "all ate up with it."

[AbbyNormal]

Vivgood, unfortunately that's the tip of the iceberg. I read a post on here about something called emotional incest. I didn't even know that was thing until I read that thread. I just thought it'd be lumped in with all the other inappropriate boundary breaches. After my stepdad left when I was 16, she insisted that I sleep in bed with her. And, when the shower in the extra bathroom developed a leak, she wouldn't fix it. It's been broken for 25 years. She would always say it was because she couldn't afford to fix it but I think now it was just so we'd have to share a bathroom. I know, creepy. 

Swampy, I'm new here too. Thanks for the support. The progress I've made has been the result of a lot of things---moving away, a good marriage, a few awesome friends, some counseling, practicing boundary-setting, and prayer. I still have triggers. I still have panic attacks and, since I've been on this board, the nightmares are back. I think the nightmares are a good sign that I'm uncovering and processing more trauma---making more progress and not suppressing them. I hate the panic attacks the most. Keep with it Swampy.  We're all here to support each other.

[invisiblelight88]

Your story sounds very familiar to me, especially the deadly waif/witch combination! 

I'm new here as well and have quite a similar uBPD mum who is never satisfied, but instead of confronting me directly and trying to get me to do things for her, she enlists my enabler Dad to guilt-trip me. He tries to manipulate me into lavish displays of love, gifts and affection for Mum so she can be constantly reassured of my "love." It's like having a parking meter for a parent.

The funny thing is, when I lived at home and gave and gave, she was unhappy and continually demanding more. I had to stop giving so much for my own emotional, financial and physical health, and she was still unhappy. In my case, it would be impossible for me to give enough. There is no bottom. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who is unable to be satisfied.

I did move away, and it helped some. Mum has giving me the silent treatment for about 6 months for some imagined slight. I find the distance between us means fewer episodes, but they are more intense. (It's like when I visit once a year, Mum has to get out an entire year's worth of BPD behaviours all at once!)

I hope you can step away from the FOG. It's so difficult to feel this way. I haven't had a chance to try SET yet, since Mum is doing one of her silent treatments, but I also fear my Mum will react in the same way. Sorry I have nothing concrete to offer, just wanted to say I'm in the same boat!

[Swampy]

Abby, thanks for the encouragement.  Truthfully, I don't know which end is up but I've never been a quitter and don't intend to start now.  Usually, I'm fairly good at expressing myself... .   but it seems lately my thoughts are vague and unorganized.  I'm hoping that'll improve with time.  Also, thanks for mentioning the panic attacks and nightmares. 

[GeekyGirl]

AbbyNormal, from what you've said, you've done a lot of good things for yourself. Your use of SET is spot-on. Your mother's reactions really show the level of dysfunction that's going on in her head, and I can imagine how draining it is to keep validating your mother's feelings.

That distance between you seems to be a good thing, even if it does seem to bring out the waif-like behaviors in your mother. Don't give up. Stick to your boundaries, keep using SET, and live the good life that you've carved out for yourself. 

[ScarletOlive]

Hey AbbyNormal,

Wowza girlfriend, you are rocking this thing! You're setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, talking yourself through FOG, using SET, and not indulging your mother's whims. It's still hard at times but I hope you can check in with yourself from time to time and see that, yes, you are doing the best you can by her. Would she or you be happier if you spent your vacation time and money on her and gave her more hugs? She might be pacified for a moment, and then just wish for more. You wouldn't be happier either. By setting boundaries, you're helping both of you. Hang in there, hun. Like GeekyGirl said, you've got this thing. May your days be blessed and your dreams be full. Take care hun. Sending you much care and support.