BPD and their children?

[BrewCrew17]

I posted my story the other day. Here is the link for those who have no seen it, if it works.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199020.0

There are some things that continue to baffle the heck out of me. I have a question and if someone has any insight I would love to hear it.

How do BPD's treat their children? My uBPD ex gf who left me a couple months ago after almost 4 years has a now 5 year old daughter. I helped raise this little girl since she was on a bottle. This girl was abrubtly taken from me and my family which was her main support system. She called me Daddy, I called her my daughter. My parent were grandma and grandpa. My ex did not talk to her parent for 4 years while we were together for various reasons. Since she left me, she now talks to her mom and lets her baby speak with her mom who is in another state. It is so bizarre. I have not seen the child for 3 months now, and I know the child must be hurting, but it is clear her mother is denying her of her emotional outcries. It is obvious at this point. She is treating her like  possession, not a human being. Is this normal behavior? It is just so bizarre to me, I do not know how you can deny a child that need. She does not know her bio dad, and the little one was lucky to have me step up at an early age and be the father figure she so adored. Now it has been ripped from her, along with all the other important relationships she formed with my parents and sister.

I have been getting the silent treatment now since the day she packed a suit case in the middle of the night. I have a lawyer involved because she will not take care of the legal issues as she is not cooperating. (AKA a house with her name on it that she abandoned before we even moved in) She is living a mischievous life in an awful part of town. She does not know I know where she lives. I wish I understood the kind of life she is leading, and the example she is setting for her daughter is so poor. Does she have a clue what she is doing? Or has she just convinced herself and embellished her story to the point where she believes what she is doing is the right thing to do? I do not think she quite understands the damage being done to her daughter.

I miss the years of memories made with the little girl. It is so painful!

Thoughts?

[sunrising]

This is so sad.   My ex had a nearly teenage son.  He and I became very close and I was supposed to become a full-time parental figure for him.  I'm now at least #5 on a list of men who've come in and out of his life and he's not even a teenager.   If he ever even thought his mom and I were having problems, he would become very upset and say things like, ":)on't do it again, mom!"   Once he even said, "You can't take him from me!"  to his mom (referring to me).   But she did... .      It's awful.   I'm detaching from her, but I think about him a lot.  Totally innocent in the whole thing, but damaged nonetheless... .

You might find this article helpful: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

[BrewCrew17]

It is nonsensical. The 5 year old did not ask for this. It is so painful. My sister was an employee at Disney World, which means we got in for free. We do not live far. I took her to Disney probably 20 times. Not bad for a 4 year old. That is just a snippet of the hundreds of memories made.

The night she left, she screamed for me, screamed at her mother not to take her Daddy from her. Yet they left, without letting me hug or kiss her, with the ex gf saying they were going to a hotel, which was a bold faced LIE, and the last crying words from the baby I heard were,

"Come on Daddy, please come with us to the hotel, we will have fun."

She has woken up in a different bed ever since. It makes me sick, yet my ex goes on with her life like nothing happened, and I sit here in the worst pain I have ever felt. I would rather have 2 broken legs.

[ScotisGone74]

That is a sad story to hear.  The only problem is that unless she has done something majorly wrong the courts will not remove the child from the mother or grant any custody to someone that is not the bio parent majority of the time.  You can't focus on the past really, but rather yourself at this point, you brought joy to someone who may have not gotten to see it for many years, that is something You can be proud of. 

[j4c]

My ex gf has 2 daughters - one is 3 and the eldest is coming up 8. No word of a lie, the eldest has had around 15 step dads already. I dread to think how many will have come n gone by the time shes in her teenage years!

[slimmiller]

Brewcrew17, so sorry to hear that bro! I feel so bad for that precious child! :'( And for you. Someday she will remember you for what you are and did and her mother as well

I can not imagine the pain you must be feeling. I have three with my exBPD and we share custody and since she can barely function with her own children, they end up with me the majority of the time. She also has a son that is like my son. I raised him basically since he was less then a year old. He cant stand his mother unless she is bribing him with stuff she buys for him.

I got a lok of closure by reading 'The Borderline Mother'  It helped me to understand. It does not make it easier though.

[shenanigan247]

My exbf has 3 grown children, One of which he was never there for her growing up, just paid child support & they all have children of thier own of which he has never met.  They have all "disowned" him as of 2 years ago.  Not sure the whole story... .   All I know is they called him selfish (go figure)

But it is sad as he will never be a part of thier lives or his grandchildrens lives but he refuses to reach out.  Saying I'm sorry is something he never does. I just don't get it as saying I'm sorry is very important if I have said or hurt someone.

Sad for everyone involved in these situations.

[momtara]

I am sad for you.  Is there no legal recourse if you have helped raise a child for a number of years?  Seems like there should be some sort of defacto right to visitation or custody... .   but I don't know.  That is a shame.  I agree wtih the person who said that you should be glad you brought happiness to this child.

[TheDude]

momtara - without paternity or legal adoption, there are no 'rights' to anything in these situations.

Mine has two sons (13 and 16) from a previous marriage. In a way, I look at that aspect of detaching the same way I see her. That is - it may very well be monumentally beneficial to my own future peace of mind to move on from the entire dynamic. They are intelligent and well behaved, but are already very socially (and emotionally) dysfunctional. No friends. No interests. No chores, life skills, or responsibilities. She over-compensates for her own childhood by coddling them. Avoidant mama's boys already. Add to that their "sponge" years learning that relationships are disposable. Dad ejected. Me ejected (4 times). They know none of the large extended family on their mother's side. Poor guys don't even know how much therapy they're going to need down the road.

Anyway, hang in there, BC17. Time will be your friend... .  

[afterdeath]

I was also "daddy" since she was three months old, she's soon to be three. I told her daddy had to go away for a while with full intentions of returning, my ex had other plans.

She cried for me as my ex ripped her away from my arms, the one time she got to see me after that she screamed daddy with excitement and my exs mom had to tell at my ex in order to let daughter see me.

Her mother informed me about two months after the last time I got to see daughter that she says daddy is at work, and that she kept making her write the word daddy.

Still brings tears to my eyes and hurts worse than a dagger through the heart.


And there's nothing I can do about it.