Inciting fear of abandonment? How to shorten the silent treatment duration?

[nomoremommyfood]

I've learned to accept virtually everything my dBPDbf throws at me... .  except the silent treatment. I read a lot about it after the last hellishly silent week and can see why it's considered such an effective form of abuse. The prior occasion ended with me calling on a number he didn't recognize and being so relieved to speak to him, I went along with his wish to "go on as usual" (i.e., not discuss the fight).

The last time I posted on here, there was debate over whether I was at fault, so here's what happened if anyone wants to analyze: We made plans to hang out, though he debated staying home with a "bad mood." He often says this and didn't sound particularly crabby over the phone. so I cheerfully urged him to come over, he agreed, then walked in the door with an unexpected and huge chip. He went out of his way to show the extent of his "bad mood" by pushing away the dog, yelling at me for not understanding the remote control, and demanding that I make his lunch faster since I was so "desperate to see him". I tolerated it, smiled, and kept up a friendly demeanor. It started raining and he was upset that he'd have to carry his bike inside, then be stuck at my house for hours. I apologized for asking him over then, thinking I was doing the right thing, calmly told him that - if the weather was really bothering him - he should ride home now to avoid heavier rainfall. He flipped, stormed out, and screamed that our relationship was over.

I believe the silent spells may be part of a push/pull cycle as they always follow periods of increased intimacy yet run-of-the-mill outbursts are usually followed by an apology. Sadly, the sudden shift from heightened romance to wordless fury makes them all the more painful. However, I'm wondering if it's possible to play off his fear of abandonment to make the treatment shorter. Actually, I'm wondering if there's anything I can't do to make this shorter! I ended my latest string of frantic texts with a "whatever, see you around." Now, I'm trying to think of ways to imply that I want nothing to do with him and he's really blown it this time. I just can't take the mental duress, logic is flying out the window, and it's only day two!

I know the best advice is to wait. But all I care about is being free of this emotional torture. Plus, we don't live together so I don't have the benefit of my physical presence. And keeping myself occupied is difficult - I'm in a solo profession and alone most of the time.

Has anybody had any success at shortening the silent treatment? Or any tricks to prevent it from occurring in the first place?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

Push/pull, control, fear of engulfment, all of what you see.  I have found that validation, agreement and just palin listening and letting them vent can shorten these episodes.

[Grey Kitty]

I'd suggest that you try to validate his feelings when he mentions he is in a bad mood.

I wouldn't recommend trying hard to persuade him to show up anyway if you are just wanting to spend quality time with him--As you described it, you only got conflict and unpleasantness out of the whole exchange. (I might push him to attend an important event while in a "bad mood", but that is different.)

Don't try to "work" his fear of abandonment as a way to bring him back. A pwBPD has both a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment (intimacy), and they tend to bounce back and forth and react to one then the other. If you think this is an impossible paradox and balancing act, you are correct... .  and that drives a lot of the crazy-making behavior. Your best bet is to make sure you don't do things to incite either fear... .  he will be looking for it in your behavior and words anyhow!

Sadly, this sort of silent treatment isn't something you can stop--The best thing you can do is find something to do without him that you enjoy, and then welcome him back when he decides to return.