Guesses on Her Next Move?

[WillSurvive420]

So... .  my gf broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago. at the time it was somewhat mutual... .  I told her in a sarcastic monotone voice, "No, Don't go... .  " She later told me that was the straw that broke the camels back... .  I was like really? After all we been through... .  You leave because you cant take my sarcasm? anyway, i digress. Here's the deal... .  she broke up with me, but still wanted me in her life... .    I would ask her if I could see her, and she would say maybe... .  then id see her. Shed give me the cold shoulder, and id ask her if she really wanted to see me atm.? She would say I wouldnt be with you right now if I didn't. We opened up lines of communication. She told me she was hurting and it was like torture being with me... .  that hurt. She then made the suggestion of having me over to swim? (in the past that meant she wanted to have sex in the pool lockeroom) and I was right! she wanted to have sex in the clubhouse... .  but the mgt. changed the locks! rats i thought! oh well, i invited her to come over to my place the next day to finish what we both clearly wanted at the time... .  (she was uncomfortable having sex in her parents house, except once or twice at the beggining of the relatinsihp) She blew me off the next day. I knew she was busy tho and that she wasnt lying about it, but she was exaggerating how busy she was. That night i asked her if shed want to come over to my place the next day... .  " She said sure, if I have time... .   I resented her when she made me her"downtime option" So I told her why dont we just plan on meeting up tommrow and let me know if you cant. if you cant, no big deal. We didnt talk to each other all day the next day... .  so i assumed she wanted to hang out. I hadnt figured out at this point that she had BPD... .  thought she was just a confused depressed teenager that was fed up with fighting in a relationship. Anyway went to her place to pick her up... .  she acted like she completely forgot that we had that conversation last night... .  But she still came over... .  At first, she was cold and distant. It was a different person than i knew before. We had sex twice. it was crazy passionate... .  she tease me until i just basically tackled her and banged her. She cried a lil bit afterwards(i think bc I was crying a bit and begging her back) IDK y she cried? SHAME maybe? after the fact, i found out that she deleted pics on facebook of us together using my computer since she didnt have one at home) I felt like she was deleting my pics to move on to her next victim? I thought how could you be so cold after like a week of breaking up? I was blind to her deceit until I later looked for naked pics of her on my computer. She also deleted pics of her on my phone. What a power trip, huh? When we had sex, i asked if i could tape it... .  she was always into this before... .  but she said, NO! I dont want to be on tape... .  Youll just use it to jerk off whenever u feel like it... .  I wanted her back... .  so i invited her to come with me to hockey game with me and my buddy and his gf. she agreed after some hesitation. she was again stand offish before the game... .  I got her to my place a lil early before the game to have sex... .  but she saw my trick coming a mile away and it backfired... .  She was two faced at the game... .  being nice to my buddys gf who she had talked ~ about behind her back before. she basically ignored me until the 3rd period bc i began to get real pissy with her and called her out for using me. she got mad at first, but then came back after like 10 minutes. she sat down, and just started rubbing my neck... .  I whimpered i loved her after that. (man she knows my buttons too well) Things were like they were when we were together... .  we rubbed each others bag during the last period. we held hands for 45 minutes on the ride home... .  she even reinitated hand holding after i withdrew. we had sex again when we got back home, but she refused to stay the night. she insisted she had plans with her friends that she made a while back... .  ( how can she make plans with friends and family but not me? i askd her this, and she didnt know why... . after we were done, she got real nasty... .  idk how the subject got started, but i asked her if she was going to sleep with other guys now that were not together? she said im not that type of girl, you should know that... .  after that she said and even if i did hook up with other guys i wouldnt tell you. i dont owe you anything. I was like, were still having sex? as sexual partners we owe it to each other to tell each other if were having sex with more than one person) Are BPD serial mongamists? I dont think shes ever cheated on anyone, but i may be wrong... .  After that it got uglier... .  she said then, what? Do you think Im a suck off like 12 mexican dudes tonight or something? she texted me that she loved me that night. The next morning i texted her, and told her i didnt feel well physically and that i wanted to talk to her about it) she said she was busy and to stop annoying her... .  i was like OK? sorry to bother, i jsut felt sick... .  Nice way to be afriend? got defensive again... .  i dont owe you anyting. were NOT TOGETHER (even though were still having sex and going on dates?) irrational thinking. Before she left that night... .  she asked me if she could leave her jacket at my apt. She insisted before on taking everything at my aparment (including a corsette taht she insited she got for me and only me) i was like if it was for me, why would you take it? why dont you just throw it away or leave it as a memento? she said no, its mine. I  paid for it. Why would she leave the jacket if she didnt want to reengage at some point? After her rudeness that morning I later told her that I wouldnt be in her life anymore if she treated me like that. I asked her in person if she wanted me in her life. She said yes in a shameful voice. I said are you sure? look at me in the eyes and say yes. she did. i grabbed all my clothes she had... .  But i forgot to grab some board shorts) I think she may have held on to them on purpose( maybe not) Finally, after realizing she may have BPD, i wrote her a short message that I wont crumble,that she cant break my will. that i still have lots of love to give... .  i told her she put a knife in my back... .  I also mailed all of my bday cards, anniversary, and valentines cards to her... .  (didnt have heart to throw em away) gave me sense of closure as well. No contact since then besides inadvertenly on facebook. IDK if she has my status' blocked or not. bc ive blocked her status from showing up on my page. Hoewver,ive taken the lock off to look at her posts after the hockey game... .  she said something like you can spend minutes, days, months trying to put the pieces back together... .  or you could leave the pieces on the floor and MOVE ON! I was like how could she be so cold blooded? she was on the fence? did me intitiating no contact cause her to post those comments? Does she sound like she will reengage? IDk if shell move on to other guy right away bc she usually takes at least two months to move on to her next victim. i think after she has time to make mistakes or has the time to get bored or agitated with life, that shell come crawling back... .  I asked her if i was still invited to her graduatijn party? she said, you wont feel akward? I was like why would it be akward? she said bc were not together anymore? i was like if you dont want me going, just say so... .  she said, thats not WHAT I SAID! I was like you never now. we could get back together by then... .  She said, "if we do get backtogether, it probably wont be by then" does that mean she has been contemplating getting back togther even though shes painted me black? I feel a part of her really does love me, but her illness is telling her different.  If you had to put odds on her reengaging what would it be?

[Want2know]

The question is do you want her to try and reengage you?

[WillSurvive420]

id be lying to myself... .  if i didnt... .  it has more to do with my addiction to our crazy sex and my codepdency for companionship from a female companion... .  i hate when ppl answer my questions with questions... .  thats not helpful

[WillSurvive420]

She has no reason to believe im interested in her... .  i sent her all my valentine,anniversary, and bday cards the other day... .  with a note that just said... .  CANT STAND YOUR LIES ANYMORE... .  GOT TO PROTECT MYSELF NOW... .  you won't break me... .  im stronger than you know... .  

[WillSurvive420]

who knows if she read it? shes likes to avoid anything that would make her think of our relationship... .  

[lbjnltx]

If I were your gf (BPD or not) and you sent me back all the cards I had ever given you it would be a clear sign to me that you are looking for an emotional reaction from me and want to know what that reaction is.

That's just me though.

lbjnltx

[Want2know]

id be lying to myself... .  if i didnt... .  it has more to do with my addiction to our crazy sex and my codepdency for companionship from a female companion... .  i hate when ppl answer my questions with questions... .  thats not helpful

I asked you this question as in some ways it doesn't matter what she does next.  It matters more what you want so whatever move she makes you can work out here how you want to respond.

[turtle]

BPD or not... .  she is 18... .  EIGHTEEN.  And if I read your posts correctly, she's still in high school.

She is a CHILD. You are expecting a level of maturity that most 18 year olds (BPD or not) don't possess.

If I were your gf (BPD or not) and you sent me back all the cards I had ever given you it would be a clear sign to me that you are looking for an emotional reaction from me and want to know what that reaction is.

And... .  I have to agree with this.  If it were me and you sent me back all of the cards I'd ever given you... .  that would be the end for me.

turtle

[afterdeath]

If I may weigh in here. Some things caught my attention.

This sounds like a very young relationship, to be honest, in my experience, girls at that age as well as guys just don't know who they are or what they want and that is completely normal at that age.

I had a long term relationship that ended my senior year in highschool as well at that age and the simple answer was: she wanted to experience life.

Since I had a powerful relationship at that age too I felt I could relate since that relationship was probably second most meaningful in my life, only overshadowed by the long term BPD relationship that landed me here.

Another point I noticed, you seem to be taunting her at times and toying with her just as she may be doing to you. Knock it off.

I don't expect you'll understand yet, as I'm sure you're very hurt and filled with wild emotions. But for the age: this sounds about par for the course of life.

You're both responding in immature ways, but its only expected at your current point in life.

If you think you know who you are at 18 then you're ahead of the game but I assure you, nobody has a clue at that age.

What exactly makes this seem BPD to you? And not wild teenager responses?

I'm sorry you're hurting, but this sounds like a case of: "just needing to experience life"

But in hindsight, if you keep the bridge of communication open and don't burn it down, you could both mature together and possibly reunite in the future as statistics tend to favor reuniting highschool couples.

[WillSurvive420]

im older 7 years older than her... .  i never thought in a million years, id be in this situation... .  i resisted her for like 2 months, but i finally gave into temptation... .  and its been a vortex ever since... .  maybe im bitter and delusional... .  but ive talked to a psychologist about this and they said if thats the case then RUN! don't walk!


Reasons Why I think Shes BPD:

1.) she mirrored me at first... .  Taking on my interests... .  ufc, nfl, nhl, pot, health and fitness... .  (then after a while she started to resent the stuff i liked even though we both use to seem to enjoy it... .  

2.) She perceived herself to be much more emotionally mature than she was. She already had in her mind what she wanted her career to be, how many children she wanted... .  She Sold me the American Dream and I ate it all up... .  

3.)she has had 4 boyfriends since 14. she lost her virginity at a young age. RED FLAG in restrospect, but i was weak. all of her relationships lasted a lil over a year... .  so there didnt really seem to be much time to take breaks in between? I never thought much of it until I read about BPD.

4.) she experienced seeing her mom and sister being abused by her father as well as being in poverty as a child and possibly being neglected by both parents. she told me one time that her parents grounded her for her having a NRG drink overdose at her friends house. Her friends dad didnt want to be liable for driving her to the hospital, so he insisted on calling the ambulance. (which sounds reasonable to me) She called her parents , but they were at a party and were drinking AND DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE! this infuriated me... .  this story is what wanted me to shelter her in... .  hook, line and sinker.

5.) she has mentality of 5 year old at times. calls her mom , "mommy" with a tone like child. Again, didnt think much into until now.

6.)her sister seems to exhibit borderline behavior, substance abuse, infidelity, high number of boyfriends like my gf... .  

7.) one week talking about what we were going to do all summer, and about her moving  in etc. to her walking out the door one day over a minor argument

8.) she was cutter at beginning of relationship, but i told her if she didnt stop id leave her. she stopped. but after we broke up she said she started smoking cigarettes(quit for me) and was thinking about cutting again.

9.) has showed little empathy after the breakup... .  


sending the cards may be immature, but i did it to start the greiving, as immature as it may be i didnt have the heart to keep the cards or throw them away... .  im to sentimental. i doubt she spent much time looking at the cards and probably threw them out immediately. (even though she still did have her cards up when I visisted her house but she had been crazy busy who knows?)

i hope i am wrong about her diagnosis. im not a psychologist, but i did take abnomral psychology in college so i know how they diagnose based on the DSVM criteria.

[WillSurvive420]

to clarify my gf didnt have substance abuse issues besides nicotine and she hasnt cheated on anyone that i know of(but who knows) she told me that 2 out of 3 of her exs had cheated on her.


also... .  we had sex after the breakup... .  but she refused to be intimate... .  kissing, spooning, etc.

There was one moment when we first started that night where I was like i Just want to make out for a minute, and She said, NO! I want to suck your ****. (maybe she was just horny, but she use to love to make out with me... .  this was only like a week and a half after we broke up. )

[costadelmar]

Will,

Just found out about BPD last week, my exBPDgf's friends told me I lasted the longer than any other guy she dated... .  in hindsight that's not something I would've been proud of had I known then what I know now.  Just met with my therapist it's only about 4xs a year that I do this, he's treated BPD's for years told me to run, asked me if she was cutting when I told him no he asked her age I told him she was 40 like me, he said they usually cut when their young and stop in their early 20's.  Run my friend don't walk people with this disorder will break you no matter what your age no matter how experienced you are.  As a matter of fact I was even more screwed than you my exBPDgf had 21  more years to perfect her manipulaation and tactics.  I had no chance but I'm done and on strict no contact.  They don't feel think or even process anything like regular peole do RUN don't Wwalk!  Wish you the best hope you have the strenght conviction and courage to stay away, I wish I had known about this disorder 2 years ago would ahve saved  me so much pain.

Costa 

[afterdeath]

Apologies.

That does have all the makings of it. Sorry to have judged.

What's next? Would you like to be with her? Could you be with her despite all you know now?

[laelle]

I am very curious.  When you broke up with her did you say any of these things to her.

CANT STAND YOUR LIES ANYMORE... .  GOT TO PROTECT MYSELF NOW... .  you won't break me... .  im stronger than you know... .  

If she is BPD she projects how she feels about herself on to you because she cant process her own feelings.

It has been explained to me like this:

Lets say you are a parent and your child just did something bad.  You scold your child and say "You did a bad thing"... .    A 3 year old will normally come back with something like.  "No, your bad."  The parent was not bad, It was the child.  A child can not process their own emotions.  They project the blame on to the accusing party.  Since BPD is an intimacy illness, this illness will be projected most likely on to you.

[WillSurvive420]

no... .  at first when she said she was leaving if i didnt give her a reason not to... .  I said, No, Dont Go... .  in a monotone sarcastic voice... .  I was just so done arguing... .  and id been thru this cycle so many times i was just over it atm. and she saw that... .  as soon as i said, no dont go... .  she lost it and completely broke down into tears and then eventually PURE RAGE!  i felt bad after she cried... .  i gave her a few minutes to herself... .  and then tried to talk to her and Resolve it... .  I said we can work thru this... .  im sorry... .  she said im not putting up with your abuse anymore... .  i was the perpetrator and she was the victim... .  i did call her some nasty names, (female dog) mostly... .  but id always apologize about it and was sincrere... .  She would SAY, IF YOU WERE SORRY YOU WOULDNT KEEP DOING IT... .  thats the reason why she said she was leaving... .  Thinking back, I think she sensed I was just OVER her games... .  maybe she thought I was gonna dump her again(did it 4 months ago, she dumped me 2.5 months before this breakup) This one is gonna stick I feel... .  7 days no contact... .  dont look at her fb anymore bc its blocked but im still friends(dont want to completely abandon her yet) she looks at my posts tho bc she liked a picture i posted of a friend of mine that passed... .  she was the last one to text me, so i was the one initiated NC... .  I asked her twice if she wanted me in her life the last time i saw her... .  she said yes, but she was looking at the floor... .  the second time, i told her to look in my eyes and say it... .  her eyes twitched side to side when she was looking at me... . I was like your eyes are twitching... .  Are you lying? She said, no im just nervous. Last time she was over... .  She asked me if she could leave her jacket at my place? She said she didnt need it(even tho it was pretty cool out that night and she gets cold easy?)Was that a booby Trap for reengagement? I know its vein, but i cant stand the thought of her being with another guy. and i cant help but wonder what shes doing on a friday, sat. night? i know what youll say... .  not your problem anymore, right?

[WillSurvive420]

id like to have her in my life as a little sister and me the big brother... .  But I know that will just end badly as well, just like all her interpersonal relationships besides the one with her mom... .  i know that will enable her... .  Id like to be able to talk to her about her school, jobs, and her family... .  buT NOTHING about her relationships... .  except if she ever needs me to "EXTRACT" her out of a bad situation... .  i know this basically just resumes our old relationships, and its not really starting a new relationship... .  its devastating losing my BEST FRIEND FOREVER... .  i feel like she passed away... .  cant stand the thought of never seeing her again... .  its been 6 days NC.