Contact after 1.5 years

[tailspin]

 

Many of you are struggling from fresh wounds and I truly am sorry for your pain.  I know your pain and I still feel it.  My expwBPD walked away from me after a 4-year relationship that was almost entirely a mirage.  I see it now and I acknowledge my part in the charade.  I never thought he would contact me again because it's been almost 2 years since I last saw or spoke to him.  I was wrong.  

He never admitted to having someone else, but a year and a half is about how long it would take for any relationship with him to go south.  He is over her now and is trying to make contact with me again.  He will fail.

I am not the same woman I once was.  I am battle weary and smarter.  I see through the manipulation and I will not play his game.  I do not desire to save him from himself and I choose me.  It's been said that those suffering this illness grieve in reverse; that is they don't feel the initial loneliness as we do because they already have someone else and we do not.  It's also been said they have a kind of sixth sense and will make contact when we have found our footing and are healthy again.  I don't know if this is true and it really doesn't matter because he will never have the chance to find out just how healthy I am now.

My mental health has taken a long time to recover from the invisable bruises of his emotional abuse and the poor treatment I received from my family of origin. I will not let him see my progress but he will see my strength and determination in the form of my silence.  I give myself permission to ignore the man I once loved because I love myself more.

Your strength and determination will build boundaries to protect you as you heal.  :)on't give up and don't look back.  The best of everything is in front of you.  Believe it.

tailspin

[fromheeltoheal]

Very strong; good for you!  "Mirage" would be a great way to describe mine too, I'm borrowing that.

I've been 8 months NC, but you're right, she is very timely.  I got a phone call, which I didn't answer and there was no message, on the anniversary of the day she found me on Facebook, and I got an email on what would have been our real anniversary.  I have to think those were not random and coincidental, either she wasn't aware of the date and just got a 'feeling', or she was fully aware of the date and hoped it would mean something to me.  Don't know, but next is the anniversary of the day we got back together for our first recycle, so I expect something, and am happy that I find it remotely amusing and no more at this point.

[LuckyEscapee]

Wow tailspin, that was awesome!

Thank you for your words, I found myself nodding furiously at every sentence.

Stay strong, stay healthy, stay away 

[chuckstrong]

Tailspin

That's AWESOME... .  good for you... .  great you posted it for so many are suffering at the hands of their own person(s) with BPD.

Chuck

[Clearmind]

What more can I say accept that I have seen your journey to the stage of personal strength you have right now. And its wonderful to see tailspin.

[C12P21]

So happy for you! Thanks for sharing this! And when I read this-

I am not the same woman I once was.  I am battle weary and smarter.  I see through the manipulation and I will not play his game.  I do not desire to save him from himself and I choose me.  It's been said that those suffering this illness grieve in reverse; that is they don't feel the initial loneliness as we do because they already have someone else and we do not.  It's also been said they have a kind of sixth sense and will make contact when we have found our footing and are healthy again.  I don't know if this is true and it really doesn't matter because he will never have the chance to find out just how healthy I am now.

And this:

I will not let him see my progress but he will see my strength and determination in the form of my silence.  I give myself permission to ignore the man I once loved because I love myself more.

A huge smile came across my face. 

Thanks for the post.

C

[oletimefeelin]

Curious how he reached out and what was said.  It always amazes me how similar the attempts to reconnect are between the ex's discussed on this site.  Good for you knowing you're done.

[myself]

Not surprised he tried.

Not surprised you're standing tall while saying 'Yes' to You.

 

[BenTired]

Hey Tailspin,

I am both encouraged and amazed by your words. I am new here and can clearly see that ne exBPDgf will try and reconnect with me. I hope and pray I have your strength when that day arises.

[eniale]

Congratulations Tailspin!  My breakup came 3 months ago after a stormy relationship of over a year.  But I really, really loved him.  He started to become easier to get along with & I asked him if it was something I said or did.  He said "Yes, but I don't want to tell you now, but I will tell you."  I was thrilled.  About 6 weeks later he told me "I met someone else!"  I never saw it coming and was stunned.  He lied to me by saying it was something I had said or done, and didn't want to tell me till he was sure it would "last" (as long as anything lasts with him) with her.

   You are right that we grieve first, as they have someone else; we don't.  It's been incredibly hard, but I am getting better, though I am very lonely and miss his daily calls, etc.  But every day I heal more.

    He didn't want to end it with me -- he just wanted me to accept that he had her also!  I said "Goodbye".  No way would I ever, ever put up with that!  When he told me about her, he actually said "Please don't leave me" and at first he sent me lots of e-mails til I told him "no more e-mails."

    Anyway, I admire you very much.  Concentrate on yourself.  Just think of him as a bottomless pit -- nothing will ever fill him up.  That thought helped me felt less rejected, and even made me feel some compassion for him though I know we were mismatched from the start and I never knew him, only my perception of who I thought he was.  He showed me who he REALLY is.  Again, CONGRATULATIONS!

[leftbehind]

tailspin, you should be so proud of yourself!  good for you for loving yourself enough to stay strong

[maria1]

Very, very good to hear Tailspin

I love what you say about the silence showing your own strength and determination. I like that. I like making the silence into something concrete and real and motivating.

Good for you

[heartandwhole]

Fantastic, tailspin!  I am really awed by your strength.  Thank you for setting such a wonderful example of self-love.   

[Validation78]

Hi Tailspin!

This is what growth and self love is all about. You have gained a self awareness that has allowed you to heal and move on in a healthy manner with your life. You are a testament to those who are recently separated and looking for assurance that they can heal as well!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Billa]

       He didn't want to end it with me -- he just wanted me to accept that he had her also!  I said "Goodbye".  No way would I ever, ever put up with that!     

that's more or less my own experience, he wanted me to accept I was no longer the "favourite one" and sit quietly while he lived his romance with his recycled ex of 5 months, which I knew as she belongs to our group of friends (but I live in a different town, two hours by train or car... .  ). I said "no", so he has definetely painted me black. Don't know if he will ever try to contact me, the only thing I can say is that, more than once, he told me that he always finds a way to get a closure with people, "even after ten years".

[Phoenix.Rising]

Tailspin, I admire your strength.  It gives me courage to carry on. 

I've enjoyed reading posts from you since I've been on this site.  You have  great insight and determination.  I hope your life is fantastic going forward.  Peace to you.

[tailspin]

 

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and love.  It's been a tremendous journey of growth for me these past long months and I see his contact as a test of my own resolve and, as you've said, my own self love.

It's important for me to acknowledge that none of this would have been possible without bpdfamily's support.  I am humbled by the abundant validation and encouragement I've received here from many people who don't even know my real name.  Your kindness and support have given me the courage to look within for all the answers I seek and have allowed me to heal in an environment of safety and compassion. 

You are my family.  You are my hero.  I love you too.

tailspin

[cookiecrumbled]

God bless you, Tailspin!  :'(

[seeking balance]

 

You did the work and it shows!

[asher2]

Tailspin... .  your words are very inspiring and I admire your resolve in not allowing him to participate in making you unhappy again. You always give great advice to others and I echo the words of many on here. Good work and stay strong!

[findingmyselfagain]

I've been NC for almost a year. I sometimes wonder how or if it will come from her. Life is slowly but surely getting to be even better than it was before. My own fears of true intimacy led me to the pwBPD and have held me back from living a full life. I don't doubt that I could handle contact. I just don't think I could without looking at her like she's crazy. I still find myself thinking about it and wondering sometimes, but not nearly as deeply as I used to. It's just one of those very surreal, ":)id this really happen to me?" kind of experiences. Sooner or later you do have to choose yourself and the future over one person.