Borderline Husband exploiting my weakness?

[lizzie458]

I've been working on myself with the knowledge of H's BPD for probably 4-5 months now (have been in recovery for 2 years, but only recently got the real lay of the land when H was dx'd in December).  We were separated shortly before he was dx'd, and the fighting and chaos had been getting worse up until that point.  Things settled down and started to get much better once I found out what we were dealing with, but of course I am human and so things haven't gone perfectly.

Lately there have been some intense fights because I just couldn't help but engage him, and in reflecting back on it I may be on to something.  Recently the thing that triggers me which I can't walk away from is when some silly little hiccup happens (misunderstanding, or small conflict), and he throws his hands in the air and says things like, "we're never going to get this right, "  "we're just fooling ourselves,"   "we should just cut our losses", etc.  It hurts so badly when it seems like he is willing to trash the marriage over something small (yes, I know nothing is ever small to the pwBPD!).  The worst part is that he knows divorce is not an option for me, and despite the fact that he felt the same way before marriage (or at least told me he did), he has said time and time again over the last year or two that he will divorce me if it gets too hard or whatever.

Part of me thinks he is bluffing, and when I am not triggered I can sit here and say to myself that, considering his past actions, he probably isn’t going to leave – and if he is, then nothing I can do will stop it.  But in the moment that is very difficult to remember.

Anyway, it seems like he has honed in on this insecurity and hurt of mine and is now exploiting it whenever he can.  I think I read something about this on this board a while ago – about how a borderline (not my H, but rather the BPD) sniffs out your weakness and exploits it.  Why does it do that?  To get a reaction from me?  What purpose does that serve?  I haven’t been into the BPD resources much in the last few months, so please refresh my memory

I have heard others say to try to not show the weakness so that the BPD will stop trying to use it against me, but are there any practical suggestions on how to do that?  I know I need to continue to lean on my support network and get healthier so that I am less triggered in the moment – so I can defuse and detach before things escalate, but I love me some practical tips to help in the meantime!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Threats of divorce, especially in the midst of working on the relationship, are painful.  My wife used to do this a lot.  I think they do know what buttons to push, and they push them.

It sounds like manipulation, but sometimes pwBPD do leave relationships.  He may even mean it "in the moment" but never really act on it when he calms down. 

Part of your challenge is to diminish the effect this particular behavior has on you.  Its kind of like the boy who cried wolf - with constant repetition the dire threats and warnings of divorce lose their urgency and power. 

You say divorce is not an option for you.  Just curious why that option is off the table?  It may give some insight into why you give this threat has such power over your emotions.  For me, it was the thought of losing daily contact with my kids and finances.

[lizzie458]

It's off the table for me due to religious reasons.  As unromantic as it is, I see marriage as a covenant between me and God - not a pledge of romantic feelings or love to my H.  I see it that way because I know that H isn't perfect (because no human is) and I know I am going to get upset with him, feel betrayed and hurt, angry, etc.  But I am building our marriage on the rock of God - it's not really about H.  This may be complete jibberish to those who don't share my beliefs, but the crux of the thing is that I now believe H does not share my beliefs (we pretty much built our relationship on the premise that he DOES - and he insists that he does, but his actions tell a different story).  I supposethe main thing is I am really still mourning the loss of true intimacy with him.  If our marriage is really tied to performance in his mind rather than true unconditional love, then I feel pressure to perform to keep him around.  The worst part is that I know I will fail because I'm human and we all fail - and I feel like it's just a matter of time before he calls it quits.  And I do love the man, and would like to keep him around - despite how crazy the BPD makes me

We are mismatched spiritually and about our beliefs on marriage, and as much as I try to remember that it's not about me, it still feels very personal when H threatens divorce. 

[Mara2]

Lizzie, I feel for you so deeply.  There is much in what you say that I have lived myself and I hope I can offer you some insight. 

I was married 16 years ago to a man I thought had the same values and ideals.  We agreed on so many things.  We were both missionaries and had met on the mission field.  What could be more right?  After marriage things changed dramatically and I was left wondering what happened.  Where is the man I thought I married?  We cycled around and around and I just kept hoping for a miracle.  He was not diagnosed until about 3 years ago.

I also believe that marriage is sacred and a vow before God, not just an agreement to live together for a while.  When H would threaten divorce (and he did quite often) I would be devastated until I could get him calmed down and make everything OK again.  It was as if I had to perform a certain way in order for life to be OK.  It is a terrible way to live.

It got so bad that I started to wish that H would leave or die so I could be free.  I didn't want to be the bad guy!  I didn't want to be divorced because that would mean that I failed.  At what, I'm not sure! 

Then H started to physically abuse, as well as the verbal and emotional abuse.  When he hit my son I took the kids and left.  We were gone for two weeks and came back and tried again.  Then I had to have him arrested for domestic violence and a year later he called the cops on himself.  This was about 2 months ago.

At this point in my marriage I came to realize that if we do divorce it would be beneficial to my kids and me for our safety.  He was not a safe person to have at home, no matter what.  When he threated to divorce me if I did not let him come home (at this point he was living somewhere else)I told him to go ahead and I would sign the paper.  He dropped it so fast you wouldn't believe it.  I was calm and sincere- you do it and I will sign it.  He was flabbergasted, but he can no longer use that threat against me because I will call his bluff.

I encourage you to meditate on 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, especially 11 and 15.  There are times when seperation is best.  God never meant for us to stay in an unsafe marriage and be abused. 

My husband has been away from home for about 2 months.  He started seeing a counselor twice a week and he is trying very hard to learn to train himslef to think differently.  He will be coming home tomorrow and we will try again, but I am telling him that if he blows it this time it is the last straw.  I refuse to live with abuse. 

I hope that you find encouragement and insight here at bpdfamily.com.  The lessons are very helpful.  I also encourage you to find a T for yourself.  Above all, be good to yourself.  

Blessings,

Mara

[lizzie458]

Thanks, Mara!  Yes, the abuse thing is definitely not negotiable.  I don't think it will ever come to that, but it is good to keep in mind because you really never know.

If I were to ever leave him, I don't see me beating myself up about a failure per se, but it would definitely hurt badly.  And there's one thing I'm sure of - if divorce was on the table for me, it would probably raise my anxiety pretty high because I'd be agonizing over the decision.  As we know, it's pretty tempting to leave when you're married to a pwBPD.

I have come to terms that if he really wants to divorce me, he will and there's nothing I can do about it.  I've gotten that intellectually - now if I could only internalize it and get it emotionally

I am thankful for this disease in that it's kind of forcing me to grow up.  In order to acheive what I want (peace) I'm having to choose a new way of living.  It's nice to have a choice   but the BPD makes it that much easier to choose wisely (not that it FEELS easy, for sure).

[daylily]

Hi lizzie, 

Yes, I think sometimes they do exploit our weaknesses, and I also think that sometimes they really do feel a particular way in the moment.  With my uBPDh, when I do or say something that hurts him (it could be totally innocent and he interprets it as me trying to hurt him), he will exploit my weakness to hurt me "back" because he has said before that when someone hurts him, he needs to hurt them back three times as much to feel better.  Other times, I think he really feels that way in the moment, but he feels differently later.

My H also talks about divorce and makes the types of comments you're talking about.  It's "all or nothing" talk.  His favorite one lately is "We just don't agree on anything.  There's nothing we can do about it."  Essentially, there's no way we can get along better by talking through something or compromising because we're essentially doomed because we "just don't agree."  That is definitely a trigger for me and I need to work on it. 

My buttons are divorce and kid issues, so he doesn't hesitate to use those.  I don't think he really believes I'm a bad mother, but he implies it when he feels I've said or done something to hurt him or to criticize his parenting.  Example: On the days when I leave for work early, he can't seem to get my son's teeth brushed.  I asked him if he could make sure that gets done, and he brought up every time that the children have been hurt (accidentally, of course) while in my care.  Sometimes I think he actually keeps a log in his brain of everything that might hurt me so he can pull something out of the arsenal when needed.   

 Daylily

[Cloudy Days]

If your buttons are being pushed you are reacting to his opinion of you. You don't have to let his opionion affect you. I know that's easier said than done.

I think the one thing that has helped me the most in not letting these kinds of things get to me is realizing how Codependent I am. You are letting your husband push your buttons, but you dont' have to react. I reccomend you read something like Codependent No more. I have read sevral BPD books and things started getting better when I looked more into myself rather than focusing on my husband. I don't know if you do that, I just know that's what I did. Anyways, the book really describes how you are suppose to detach in more detail and it explores the reasons why we get so attached to the things they do and say.

[Juliecelle]

Lizzie and Mara,

Have either of you read "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell? There is a quote in that book that has come to mean more and more to me as my husband's disorder worsens:

"Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality; for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us".

For me, the key word in that quote is "view". How do we perceive the one(s) who mistreat us? At first that quote haunted me! I did not view my husband positively at all. I still don't.

But in my situation, I feel I must completely detach (grrr, notice how I try to avoid using the word "divorce"?) in order to begin to forgive and view him in more of a Christlike manner. I simply cannot be in my husbands presence and view him as I should. He has hurt me so deeply for so long! He is not likely, in this lifetime, to stop using me as a target. And because of that, I am not likely in this lifetime, to be able to have loving feelings towards him while I am with him. Oh that quote! A blessing and a curse to have it memorized and be able to fall back on it as needed! I hope some portion of this reply made sense. We can do this!

[Chosen]

lizzie458,

I have similar views as you, and I have once read a quote somewhere saying, "Marriage is not created by God to make you happy.  It is created to make you holy."  I applaud you for striving to persevere in the marriage, but you must also protect yourself. 

You asked what can be done practically so the pwBPD manipulates less.  Here's what I do:

- If you have boundaries, or you view something as really important, don't let him know.  Once he knows he will use it as ammunition.  I used to stress all the time I will never take off my wedding ring, and you know what happened shortly after marriage, during a ragefest?  H forced to take off my wedding ring.  It's a small act but it meant a lot to me then.  If he didn't know the importance of that to me, he will not do it just to push my buttons.

- Whenever you have certain emotions to show, tone it down.  Not to confuse that with hiding it, because what we're trying to do is to show H that you can show emotions in a less dramatic manner.  Be the still voice of calm in the house.  I'm horrible at doing that but when I am calmer he is calmer too.

[lizzie458]

Thanks, Chosen!  Yes, I definitely feel like he uses my vulnerabilities as ammunition.  Great suggestions - difficult to implement when my gut tells me to be vulnerable with my stinking HUSBAND for crying out loud, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever come to true acceptance of the limits of intimacy between him and me imposed by BPD.  But it's true, the less he knows what my buttons are (and how deeply they wound me), the better.

I have bought "Codependent No More" and am looking forward to delving into that soon.  It sucks that recovery is a process... .  I wish I could just flip a "de-intensify emotion" switch on myself (and my H for that matter! ).  But hey, the process is where the healing comes, right? 

[briefcase]

But in my situation, I feel I must completely detach (grrr, notice how I try to avoid using the word "divorce"?) in order to begin to forgive and view him in more of a Christlike manner. I simply cannot be in my husbands presence and view him as I should. He has hurt me so deeply for so long! He is not likely, in this lifetime, to stop using me as a target. And because of that, I am not likely in this lifetime, to be able to have loving feelings towards him while I am with him. Oh that quote! A blessing and a curse to have it memorized and be able to fall back on it as needed! I hope some portion of this reply made sense. We can do this!

What we often forget in the midst of working on these relationships is that there is a vast expanse between complete emotional entanglement (the condition most of us come here in) and divorce/no contact (the way many members here choose to solve the problems associated with their emotional entanglement).  There is actually a very healthy level of detachment that you can achieve (all on your own with no cooperation from your partner at all) and still remain in the relationship. 

It comes with acceptance that your partner is a human (not some powerful creature) who is entitled to his or her own feelings, thoughts, opinions, negative emotions, mistakes, and other flaws.  You also have to understand that you are also a human entitled to the same things.  You do not need to agree or see eye to eye on these things with your partner.  That's what keeping "their stuff" and "our stuff" seperate is all about.

It requires some conscious effort.  The next time you are having a good day and your husband isn't and starts doing/saying things that are causing your own emotional state to shift - just remember - he's human and entitled to his emotions and opinion, and so are you.  You get to choose whether you follow his lead or not.  Believe it or not, it is very possible for you to have a good day when he is having a bad day.  The trick is to leave his emotions with him.