Starting T with BPDw

[bruceli]

Starting therapy next Wednesday with dBPDw.  What should I expect?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whatshappening]

I have been to 4. It seems like only more fighting comes out of it, because of you getting the guts to say how you are feeling in front of someone else, which BPDW will never forget. Say it anyway, though don't you mention BPD. You can certainly say how you feel and whatever happens happens.

I suggest getting one who knows BPD and knows your concerns and can articulate that if they found the same, they would confront and tell them of how to get help.

You need one who will also ask to have separate sessions after a while of getting acclimated.

Still no guarantee of helping.

Any chance you can get your wife to go to a Steven Stosny love without hurt bootcamp. Great stuff. never brings up BPD. Often helps or if not, you then know you are in a pretty hopeless situation.

[bruceli]

Thanks for the advice, greatly appreciated.  She already brings up BPD by herself and will probably bring it up to the T.  She's in the acceptance stag in that she says that she believes that part of her issues MAY be BPD related but the rest are just how she is.

[briefcase]

This is great news bruceli.  What kind of counselling are you doing - marriage counselling, individual counselling, DBT, etc.?

What are the big problems in your relationship that you want to work on with the therapist?  The more we know about your situation, the better we can help.  

[bruceli]

This is great news bruceli.  What kind of counselling are you doing - marriage counselling, individual counselling, DBT, etc.?

What are the big problems in your relationship that you want to work on with the therapist?  The more we know about your situation, the better we can help.  

Will be doing both couples as well as individual that is if she can hold out till then.  We started out the week with a huge pull.  Of course that is now followed last night with a huge push.  The biggest to date, she is really dysregulated.  She talks TO me but when I answer, I can just see the glazed look in her eyes and I know she is not hearing me.  Just found out also last night that this was percipitated by really bad news at her job.  So, she is projecting that on me.

[bruceli]

This is great news bruceli.  What kind of counselling are you doing - marriage counselling, individual counselling, DBT, etc.?

What are the big problems in your relationship that you want to work on with the therapist?  The more we know about your situation, the better we can help.  

Sorry, forgot to answer.  Would like to work on having her be able to use healthier safer coping strategies other than going out and partying, drinking and driving.

[lizzie458]

For me, it was tough to stay on topic in session.  I wanted to work on better communication and treating each other better - but that meant H had to get to the bottom of his issues, because he would never implement the T's suggestions (though I would).  I'd try to address that, and then of course he unconsciously tried every tactic in the book to derail the conversation and deflect so that he never had to face his real issues.  Drove me nuts for a while, then I realized he CAN'T face his issues and I finally came to accept the situation as is.  If you can find a way to work on the coping strategies, that sounds like a great idea to me.  Although I will say I wanted the same thing for H and that did not even come close to happening, because he was not interested in developing healthier coping skills for himself.

I spent lots of sessions plain old pissed off about not ever being able to effectively address the real issues, especially after his diagnosis came and went.  My individual sessions were usually pretty great, although my T had some less than awesome advice for me because she's not used to treating BPD's and nons (most T's aren't, so be cautious of this and keep your head in the game).  It was a while before I had researched BPD, read some books on the subject and codependency (and living with a pwBPD), lurking and posting here, and going to Al Anon before I was really confident in telling her where I thought she was off base when she would try to redirect me.  For example, in our last session (I saw her recently after several months of her only seeing H), she said several times "but he has got to grow up!" (trying to get me to talk to H about what I want/need).  I don't blame her, she's been trying to treat him for over a year... .  I'd be exasperated too.  But by the end of this last session I felt like she understood a little better.  She looked me in the eye and said, "keep doing what you're doing - you're good.  You don't need to come back here unless you feel like you need it."

Bottom line, things can get messy in T and that's OK.  If you have real goals, try to keep them in mind, but I wouldn't hold onto them with a death grip.  Sometimes the pwBPD just needs to process and if you're up for it that can be a good thing with a T present.

[waverider]

I think it is best if you can to stay on the topic of how she thinks, feels and interprets what is happening around her. Rather than start getting into th erights/wrongs and unfairness of individual situations. Otherwise it may devle into a he says/she says contest to convince the T.

You will have to raise a lot of demons and denials before you get anywhere positive. Avoid too much confrontation or she is likely to walk and not come back.

[hithere]

Rather than start getting into th erights/wrongs and unfairness of individual situations.

I Agree, this won't go well and might scare her away from therapy right away.

I had very mixed results in my couples therapy with my exBPD.

Many of the sessions involved the therapist soothing her... .  Many times she would get angry and defensive if she thought the therapist was against her.

Don't expect too much early on.

[briefcase]

You're getting some good advice here!  Maybe ease into some of the deeper issues after she feels safe in therapy.  Maybe do a lot of listening at first, even if she takes a few shots at you with the T.  Good luck, and let us know how it goes. 

[bruceli]

Yes, all very good... .  thank you all