Just curious: what happens when you're sick?

[byasliver]

I'm asking this out of curiosity and maybe it's something someone else is dealing with. What happens when you are sick and have a pwBPD? Today I have a horrible headcold but my uBPDh is in a positive cycle and being fairly helpful. But I've been sick/injured when he wasn't (before I knew about BPD) and I don't know what I would have done without my daughters pitching in. I know if he were to become dysregulated today, it would be awful. I just wouldn't have the mental capacity to not be triggered by him. So for those times or anyone in that situation now, what do you do?

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[Scott72]

My ex avoided me- under the guise that she didn't want to catch it- but it was more that she couldn't cope. I have a long term illness that makes me have muscle weakness- she never understood or seemed to care

[MockingbirdHL]

My dBPDh was always great when I was sick. Very caring and helpful. But maybe I just luckily just timed my being sick with when he was in his good place 

Lucky coincidence!

Plus I hardly EVER get sick.

[Rockylove]

I rarely get sick.  I think I was sick once in the two years we've been together and he acted very frightened.  Almost as though he were afraid that a bit of illness would cause something traumatic to happen.  He left me alone for the most part and I was grateful.  If I'm in pain... .  you can best believe he's going to have more pain than me... .  so I just don't mention it.

[arabella]

Mine's very good when I'm sick. He's a healthcare professional so it's 'safe' territory for him. I think he finds physical illness soothing in that it's concrete and can be 'dealt with'. If my mental state is off because I'm ill (like you were suggesting, byasliver) then I just tell him that. If I say, "look, I'm sorry, but my reactions and thoughts are all a mess because I'm sick", he just accepts that and is fine and dandy with things. Basically my life would be easier if I could just be ill every time he dysregulates!

[waverider]

My partner is over the top fussy, trying to talk the smallest thing into a big drama.

This is because she is hyperchondriac, so if I am sick that "normalizes" her own complaints, so she wants me to be just as bad and need just as many pills.

As a result I am reluctant to show I am sick, the fuss causes me too much stress.

And of course she will catch whatever I have, and worse, even if I invented it.

[byasliver]

Wow! Not what I expected to hear! I get lots of, "you're always sick" and other reminders of his lack of empathy. Tonight I was supposed to sleep in "our" bed again but his sleep patterns are way off (up off & on most of the night, naps a lot during the day) and I'm a very light sleeper. After being awakened several times in just a few hours, I gave up. He's pouting now because I chose to sleep elsewhere he's but trying not to show it. Whatever... .  I feel like crap and need rest. I'll try again tomorrow night (technically tonight) but I'm not holding my breath.

Btw, the funny thing about him saying I'm always sick is that I AM frequently sick lately. All due to stress but he can't see that. At least I'm passed feeling guilty about it.

[byasliver]

Correction: now he's ticked because I chose to sleep elsewhere and being very obvious about it. Oh well. Again, I need rest so he's on his own with this. No joke, I began to fall asleep around 9pm and lost count of how many times he was up doing something noisy between then and midnight. So basically, he wasn't really waking me up but really just keeping me from sleeping at all.

[Rockylove]

Correction: now he's ticked because I chose to sleep elsewhere and being very obvious about it. Oh well. Again, I need rest so he's on his own with this. No joke, I began to fall asleep around 9pm and lost count of how many times he was up doing something noisy between then and midnight. So basically, he wasn't really waking me up but really just keeping me from sleeping at all.

I've been in the same boat~~often!   I fall asleep easily, but don't stay asleep.  If he wakes me, it's almost certain that I'll be up the rest of the night.  He knows this and most often is considerate~~unless he's in a mood then he's up playing the guitar or stereo loud enough to wake someone in the next county.  He's often said that he can sleep through anything, but that's not quite the case and if I dare (inadvertently) wake him, all hell breaks loose.  No rest for the weary, it seems.

[Scott72]

We actually only lived together for 6 weeks- I think we only shared a bed about 10 times! I snored too bad- ( bad but not that bad) I wasntwell , she wasn't, etc etc yet I'd go back in a heartbeat!

[dickL]

uBPDw was very good at caring for S 8 , now 25 , during his bone marrow transplant . she nursed me about 6yrs ago after surviving liver failure .  S and i have chronic health issues , i need a liver transplant in future and he's mentally disabled from chemo at 8 . the last 2 or 3 yrs as we've been at war and she has no empathy . hopes i die alone with no one to care for me , gave up on S improvements thru T . proclaimed i wasn't that ill and ishould find a job to help family , she quit woking a few yrs ago . to others she appears a very caring person and is if they fit her program . she's cold , self absorbed , and very ill

[arabella]

Wow! Not what I expected to hear! I get lots of, "you're always sick" and other reminders of his lack of empathy. Tonight I was supposed to sleep in "our" bed again but his sleep patterns are way off (up off & on most of the night, naps a lot during the day) and I'm a very light sleeper. After being awakened several times in just a few hours, I gave up. He's pouting now because I chose to sleep elsewhere he's but trying not to show it. Whatever... .  I feel like crap and need rest. I'll try again tomorrow night (technically tonight) but I'm not holding my breath.

Btw, the funny thing about him saying I'm always sick is that I AM frequently sick lately. All due to stress but he can't see that. At least I'm passed feeling guilty about it.

Oh, I should clarify - I don't get any actual empathy per se. H just grasps the concept of being sick. So he mostly ignores me. The expectation is that I'll still do everything I normally do, but if I bow out then he begrudgingly accepts it if I'm sick.

I have the opposite issue with sleeping in the bed. When I'm sick H wants me to sleep elsewhere so that he doesn't catch my germs! I pointed out that the healthy person is better equipped to sleep on the sofa.

[byasliver]

These answers sound more like what I was expecting. Today uBPDh is being a little better than he was last night. The problem I'm seeing now is just from him not having seen  any of his T's or been to his support group in two weeks. Just little things that really show his self-centered nature: it's like we all live in HIS world. At least he understands my being sick enough to let me be distant without questioning it.

[ConfusedChristian]

My dBPDw is very uncaring when I'm sick. She will accuse me of pretending to be sick to not do something for her.  I have to do everything I normally do, and never receive any compassion or Sympathy. If I rest or try to take care of myself, the name calling starts. I am rarely sick which I'm thankful for.

[byasliver]

Oh, I guess I should clarify: I'm still doing everything I normally do (which is more than my fair share) but just not doing anything extra. I already did the grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen and got supper going in the crock pot. My uBPDh's idea of contributing is paying for things. He's not working right now but we saved/invested when he was working and are living off of that. I'm just glad most of our kids are teens that can mostly take care of themselves.

I am getting some attitude from him when he offers to do something (he took us out for breakfast) and I don't fall down at his feet with gratitude but that I just pretty much ignore. If I do act overly gracious he gets an attitude at me for "acting like he's an *ss who expects that" but if I don't he just pouts a little then gets over it. I may hear about it later but it's still easier than hearing him gripe now.

[arabella]

byasliver - sometimes we can't win for trying! Frustrating isn't it?

[Go Fish]

Good question. I was sick last week, am hardly ever sick, but was really down and even had my heart monitored. He assumed the worst, that he would lose me, and was very nice for a few days. Now things are better, though clearly the stress is wearing me down, and he's back to the usual baiting and offensive comments. The cycle begins again. I guess the important question is how we keep ourselves healthy and manage our stress when we can't count on the emotional help of a spouse. I've been reading about heart disease and stress and I know this affects many of us. Take care!

[ConfusedChristian]

Staying Healthy is important to me. I go to the Chiroprator weekly which helps boost my immune system. I have a rare inherited Autoimmune disease which is triggered by stress. My dBPDw and I have been married for 4 years now. Today she tells me we are separated, Our relationship has had these status changes daily. I was having autoimmune flairs quite often when we first got married.  I have learned to give these situations to God and accept what I can't change. since my wifes diagnosis she uses he tools to maninpulate the conversation. I hope living with BPD gets easier at some point.

[VeryFree]

I almost never was sick, but when I was, my stbxBPDw would go through two stages:

At first, after noticing I was staying home sick she would be angry: I should go to work; can not be that sick; just lazy; want to control her and so on.

After a few hours she would take care for me very good.

[Chosen]

He is usually "nice" to me when I'm sick, but I have to "pay for" it.  I.e. he will always be talking about how nice he was to me when I was sick, and how bad I am not to him in the same situation.

However, he gives advice from his point of view, and therefore always claims I'm not doing my part in keeping myself healthy.  E.g. when I have stomach problems (actually due to the stress he gives me) and I skip a meal (becasue eating makes me bloat; it ususally goes away in half a day or so), he would claim I must eat otherwise I will get worse.  Even though once he went with me to the doctor and the doc said it's ok for me to skip a meal if I'm not feeling well.

[aspiegirl23]

Mine can be wonderful if it fits with him, but generally he tells me that I am "always sick" and insinuates I am lazy, weak, whingey and annoying because of it.

(I do a LOT of stuff btw, I don't just sit around doing nothing and complaining as he would lead people to believe).

[jedicloak]

When I'm sick H wants me to sleep elsewhere so that he doesn't catch my germs! I pointed out that the healthy person is better equipped to sleep on the sofa.

Geez, my BPDw will give up the bed when i'm sick without asking... .  guess I have it good compared to others.

[empathic]

My uPBDw is very invalidating when I'm sick. It was problematic back when our kids started kindergarten, because then I'd get sick a lot. The last years I've only been sick with fever a few times.

She'd never cancel us having people over due to me being sick (running a high fever even).

My theory is that she feels like she loses control when I am sick, and that I could use it to gain advantages. Which I never would, but she doesn't really trust me.