From planning a vacation... to him threatening to leave

[Chosen]

Part 1 of the story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201103.0

So today, I checked up on his progress, asking him whether we are going.

He said a lot of stuff, then told me he thinks it's not such a good time, etc. as his work contract will be nearly finishing at that time, blah blah blah.  Then I told him via text that, "Anyhow, my leave has been recorded so maybe we can thinking about that later in the year and see what you want then?"

He started going mad and demanded, threatened repeated that I apologise.  Then listed all the times when he wasn't able to do what he wants.  How he accomodated to my wants.  Then vented about how "it is never about what I want!"  and demanded apologies again.

When I just told him I don't understand what required and apology, he just kept on repeating himself (he saw my words the way he wanted to see them) and threatening me to apologise.  I refused, saying I would if I knew what was wrong, but he could never tell me?  He kept on saying he already has told me.  (I guess the point was because I said “see what you want” and he doesn’t think he ever gets what he wants)

Then he said "I've had it with you.  I'm moving out tonight blah blah blah.”  I just said, “Fine. Up to you” and slammed the phone (which was my bad…)

I have since sent him a few texts, not apologizing or anything, but trying to lead him to understand it is just a stupid, stupid misunderstand, that I would probably be mad if I understood it the way he did, and that I understand him feeling trapped.  I also said that I would invite him to laugh it off, but if he wishes to threaten and punish using his marriage, then it’s up to him.  No replies from him yet.  Argh.  Why?  Why this?

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[allibaba]

The going from planning a vacation to threatening to leave is normal BPD behavior from what I understand (finally I get it... . used to be a complete mystery to me).

When I just told him I don't understand what required and apology, he just kept on repeating himself (he saw my words the way he wanted to see them) and threatening me to apologize.  I refused, saying I would if I knew what was wrong, but he could never tell me?  He kept on saying he already has told me.  (I guess the point was because I said “see what you want” and he doesn’t think he ever gets what he wants)

I think that this would have been an opportunity to validate whatever feelings he is having... . not to fight about not understanding what requires an apology.  I am guessing that he would perceive that as invalidating.

So clearly he feels like he is always accommodating your needs:

He started going mad and demanded, threatened repeated that I apologise.  Then listed all the times when he wasn't able to do what he wants.  How he accomodated to my wants.  Then vented about how "it is never about what I want!"  and demanded apologies again.

So maybe you say "Its terrible that you feel like its never about what you want. That must be really hard." 

I think that he needs space about going away on the long holiday.  For whatever reason it is stressing him out right now.  Maybe wait for the right time when he is calm and say "Unfortunately due to the nature of my job I had to book my leave well in advance.  I really hope that you are able to come, but I don't want to pressure you since you are stressed out about it."  And leave it.

I have since sent him a few texts, not apologizing or anything, but trying to lead him to understand it is just a stupid, stupid misunderstand, that I would probably be mad if I understood it the way he did, and that I understand him feeling trapped.  I also said that I would invite him to laugh it off, but if he wishes to threaten and punish using his marriage, then it’s up to him.  No replies from him yet.  Argh.  Why?  Why this?

  He needs space right now.  Trying to convince him that he's wrong or that its a stupid misunderstanding is invalidating his feelings.  I know its hard.  I have been through this 100 times with my uBPDh.   

[KellyO]

My ex-bf dumped me first time few hours before we were meant to leave for a holiday. Everything was packed, paid and in order. And then he had the worst temper tantrum I have never seen.  And this was the first and only time he got physical (which he later of course had no idea about, he would NEVER lift a hand against me yadda yadda). The whole situation was so devastating, I was so tired and broken I was sure I would never cope. I didn't, I wanted him back and I got him back.

Today I think he never wanted to go to that trip. He just couldn't say "no" to me when I had the idea of that trip. So he mirrored me and tried to please me and got angrier and angrier. And then he flipped. And after that I was the Witch of the Year and impossible, unloving person and he dumped me. Prize? He did not have to do something he actually did not want to do. His way to cope? Amnesia. And blaiming me. He was my innocent victim who did what he had to do to save himself from my evilness. And his favorite line was how "his feelings never matter". I don't believe I could have done anything to make that situation better.

Of course I can't say your bf is same as mine, but this is how I see the situation now after 2 years.

[lizzie458]

I agree with both PP.  I finally realized after several years of trying to work with my dBPDh as a teammate, that it's just not going to happen.  I will likely never understand the things that drive him crazy or even how he thinks.  I can't take him at his word.  He frequently threatens to leave us and makes very melodramatic statements and threats, only to reverse them hours or days later.  When he expresses frustration or anger about things that have never happened or things that are WAY out in left field and I have no idea what he's talking about, it does no good to ask him to explain.  He's usually so buried in emotions at that point, that there is no way he can find himself under the rubble.

My dBPDh would probably act similarly to your SO in this situation - he gets incredibly stressed when I'm waiting on him for an answer on something.  I find it takes the pressure off if I just make decisions without him.  This can be a little tricky, because if you detach too coldly, BPD will of course take it to heart and you're back in the poo storm.  What seems to genuinely help my H is if I can *lovingly* detach, remind myself he's just not able to work with me on this problem/tell me the dates/answer this question right now and he truly would if he could.  I move forward, accommodating as best I can for him without putting myself out.  This can be a fine line between sensitivity and codependency. 

For example, H told me last week on Friday that he was moving out on Saturday.  Rather than start nailing him with logistical questions (kind of a P/A thing I used to do), I said, "OK, I'm sorry that it's come to this for you."  And I left him alone (this was after some validation as well).  I gave myself a mental deadline of when our childcare needed to be notified of the new arrangements and said to myself, if he doesn't change his mind by noon, I'll call and make the new arrangements.  Wouldn't you know, he called before noon to tell me he had reconsidered.  Now, some might say that teeters on codependency because I'm not just moving ahead with my own plans - but as you know, living with a pwBPD is not that simple.  Had I taken him at his word (which I tried for several years and was EXHAUSTING), I would've had to call the center several times to change arrangements.  I would've also likely had a blow-up argument.  Should I have laid the childcare thing on him?  Maybe.  Lately when it comes to things that involve our son or me I have taken to doing it myself because his dissociation has really gotten bad lately and he makes big mistakes; in my experience, allowing the mistakes hasn't helped him.  But now I'm way off topic :P

If I were you, I'd just back way off and make your arrangements.  If it ends up working out, great.  But you can't possibly make a great vacation happen when he hasn't given you the necessary information to coordinate.  Might be time to let go of that expectation - I know how tough that can be, my dBPDh can be such a good vacation buddy!

[eeyore]

is taking your own holiday out of the question?  It's not a convenient time for him or whatever his excuse is.  Why does that preclude you from some R&R or adventure or whatever YOU want to do?   Try not to make sense of crazy because it's just crazy and you can't make crazy something it can't be which is sensible.  I found the best thing you can do is to figure out what makes you happy.  And if that means holiday doing something only you like that's not such a bad thing. 

For example I love to grow things and pick the fruit.  He hates it.  Some days I go to a local farm and pick fruit.  For me it's a day in nature, quiet time for myself.  I just plain enjoy it.  He hates it so I never have to worry that he'll go with me and spoil my good time.  He also never worries about what I'm doing or with whom I am with.  It gives him a day to work, golf, do what he wants. If I wanted to go on a vacation without him I wouldn't hesitate.  I'd try to make plans with him and if he wasn't amenable then I'd make myself comfortably happy.  I wouldn't purposely pick a holiday that was his "dream" but something I know he wouldn't care for anyway.  So far no problems with that.  I've had more problems with vacations together.  However, after 6 years not so much any more. 

If I was in your situation, I would tell him my time off was approved so now I can't change it. I understand that it's not a good time for him.  Then I'd be quiet about it.  Let that sink in for him.  If he asks you questions I'd be honest and say I don't have plans or ideas yet but I will let you know once I have some ideas.  Then when I knew what I wanted to do I'd tell him since I have the time off, I think I'd like to do _____ since it's not something you are really interested in this is a good opportunity for me to do hit__ until we can both have the same days off to go on holiday together.   And that generally would work for me. 

[Chosen]

It is not even the holiday, it us how he hurls verbal abuse at me, blaming, shaming, using every possible excuse. I don't care about the holiday, he can just say he can't go.  But since he is infallable, it must be me who is wrong.  He threatened divorce for 6 hours last night but came home eventually.  I said the choice is up to him.  Then he continues with the verbal abuse today via text and I just say I will not respond because he keeps twisting my words.  For the first time I wish he would really take up his word and leave.

[eeyore]

So you want him to be different than what he is.  You can only control you.  All the wishing won't help.  What will help is for you to start changing yourself.  If you are tired of the threats of leaving then don't allow yourself to be threatened or verbally abused.  Ignore the e-mails and don't respond. 

[Chosen]

Yes! I used to act in fear but I don't anymore.  When his verbal abuse (accusing, blaming and shaming) continues all of today, AND with my dad having a surgery, I just refused to play his game.  Stopped arguing and asked repeatedly that we could drop matter for a while befote picking it up. He refused.  I then refused to respond.  He also called me and claim to want to talk to my dad, but then only kept on hurling accusations at me.  I ended the called and refused to let him talk to my dad because I allowed him but he used that chance to scold me instead.  He chose to use the phone call in that way and it was his choice.

He now sats he will go to his mum's until Sunday.  No idea if a threat or not but doesn't threaten me.  I can do with my space too.  I actually think I haven't done too poorly and what I am experiencing is an extinction burst.  It used to scare and get reactions out of me but not anymore.