Need help with stopping thoughts about ex - any suggestions?

[leftbehind]

I need to stop thinking of my BPDexbf.  I need to stop energizing him with my thoughts and emotions.  I need to bring the power I've been sending him every time I think about him back into my own life. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do this?  What works for you?  If there is any kind of simple visualization or meditation that has worked, please pass it on. 

I feel like if I don't find a way to move on from what happened, I will be holding on to being a victim.  It's been two months since he broke up with me out of the blue, but I don't want to turn around and suddenly realize it's two years later and I'm still thinking of him everyday, or hurting everyday.  I don't want to let this experience define me.  I've done that in the past over breakups, and I ended up stuck for years.  I cannot let that happen to me this time.  Please share what's been helpful for you, thanks

[mrclear]

  You're basically doing it already... . The realization that you need to stop thinking about them and concentrating on yourself is a good one. On the other hand, allowing our pain, our thoughts and ruminations is not necessarily bad. We need this to heal. Someone with BPD would never do this. That separates us... . If you are clear on what you want, which should include NC and working on your own issues, time will do the rest.

The mistake a lot of us make, is to visualize about the idealization-stage. Instead, we should concentrate on how that person really made us feel. You will find that the negative times we spent with them, will surely outweigh the positive. It's not necessarily about how much you love/have loved someone, but rather who you are when you are with them. The Bordeliner has spent alot of time on fuelling our discarded-inner child, our iniquities and insecurities. We have to give that energy back, because we have to realize that we need to heal and fix our child-hood issues which made us attractive to the Borderline in the first place. You deserve better.

Meditation... . hmmmm. I'm not big on meditation, but my gf taught me a couple of techniques that actually helped me.  Visualization. Sit in a comfortable position and imagine yourself surrounded by white light. Imagine someone you trust and call them to stand with you for protection. This will do much to allow a greater sense of relaxation and more courage with facing your abuser-even in your mind.

Next, imagine a suitcase. In this suitcase, all of the emotions related to the traumatic moments of abuse and your ex r/s, are inside. Visualize yourself standing a safe distance away from the person you are confronting.

Say, “This is not mine. You left this for me to carry and it is not my responsibility. I am giving this back to you now.” Finally, see yourself laying the bag at the foot of the person. Once you have done this, you can ask trusted person to escort you safely back home.

Another one is the figure 8: Imagine youself standing in a figure 8. You stand in one circle. Your ex-Borderliner in the other. Visualize yourself facing them and releasing all the negative energy that you accumulated over the years and simply sending it back to them. Is wasn't yours to begin with   

You are on the right path, and the more you distance yourself from your ex, the clearer you will see that his irratic behavior was never an active part of your life. You were pulled into a situation that you/your inner child didn't deserve and didn't want.

atb, mrclear

[Murbay]

I can understand your feelings and thoughts about this leftbehind and how difficult it is for you right now.

There is so much information on here to help with our journeys but the pain each person feels and the length of healing differs.

For me personally, I allow the feelings to come through, acknowledge them and try to deal with them one at a time so as not to get overwhelmed with emotion. How I deal with them is also different, I have started my own blog to chart my own journey, the feelings of anger, how to acknowledge, accept and release that anger before it has a chance to take hold.

On other occasions, I write to my ex to release those emotions (not that I would send them to her) and that too allows that release before the emotions build up. It also helps put things into perspective because I don't write what I think, I write what I feel.

Other things I'm doing is trying to dissect the mirroring that went on at the very beginning. The dreams, goals and ambitions I had, the places I wanted to go and see. Zip-lining in Costa Rica, Rome, Venice and Florence in Italy were things that became part of our plans but they were things that I had initially brought up and was greeted with "What a co-incidence" I'm taking back what was truly mine and setting my goals to do these things.

I'm currently in New York right now which I know has angered her, because she feels I should be back in the UK being unhappy but also acknowledging she still has control over me. I'm making the most of what I have, planting trees in Brooklyn after the damage from the hurricane last year, catching up with friends and family that live here, tomorrow night going to support a friends band that is playing in the city, walking through Central Park, doing a Spartan race in a couple of weeks. None of that takes away from the emotional pain, but what it does do, is cut down on the thinking and also remind myself that I'm in control of my own life.

[Murbay]

Mrclear, that is exactly what my T keeps reminding me. Don't focus on the great things at the start of the relationship because they were the myth. Instead, allow yourself to feel the pain at the end of the relationship then acknowledge and work with that, because that is the reality.

[patientandclear]

At the same time, I think we have to give ourselves the time it takes.  When the r/s ended, in your case LeftBehind as in mine, it appeared great.  We were happy.  This is not the end of an abusive miserable r/s.  This is the sudden end of a very happy time in our lives.  I think it is akin to a happy marriage suddenly ended by a catastrophe -- you don't expect those people to be over it in a couple months, you know?  And this is harder, because this was no impersonal catastrophe -- our ex partners chose this.  In that sense, maybe it is closest to a suicide.  Where someone we love chooses to leave because of their intense interior pain.

Just saying that in those scenarios, if someone told you they were past it or over it or feeling pretty good a couple months later, you'd really worry that they'd lost their mind and were not in touch with their feelings at all, right?

This was serious hard and it takes serious time.

[leftbehind]

Thanks everyone.  Yes, it's true, Patientandclear.  In my case as well as yours from what you've written, it was a really great relationship with no abuse at all until he decided to end it.  The only thing I can focus on that's bad is the actual ending - his detachment (almost like he was acting), and his cruelty one week later when I tried to confront him. 

I read one of 2010's posts last night that the reason the trauma is so huge is because the BPD partner seems to give you everything that your parent didn't - the secure attachment, unconditional love, etc.  So when he/she pulls it all away, it's like losing another parent.  That's actually what it was like in my situation.  He loved me soo good!  Until he just decided to stop.

Mr. Clear - I can use the visualization technique with the suitcase and visualize how cold and detached he was when he was ending it, and that might help, thank you.  I will definitely try it. But that was only two encounters with him (and only because both times I chose to drive up to his house and confront).  Before that I have 8 months of what felt like total acceptance and love. 

I guess it is unrealistic to expect myself to be over it all in two months, but I feel like he has moved on and is having a great life - having sex with his lovely "sex friend" lady (who is beautiful, by the way - I've seen her picture on facebook)  having his first ever art show, and working more days a week at my old job that I left because of him than I ever got while I was there.

So, I don't want to be the total loser who still is stopped in her tracks emotionally, mentally, even physically (this breakup seems to have created lots of pain in my body in the last couple of months) while he goes gaily skipping along with his life, as if I never mattered or existed.

I wish I could 86 him out of my brain and not have to suffer.  Because he's 86'd me out of his brain, and I don't believe for a minute he's suffering over the loss of me. 

Maybe it will just take time. 

Don't focus on the great things at the start of the relationship because they were the myth. Instead, allow yourself to feel the pain at the end of the relationship then acknowledge and work with that, because that is the reality.

So true, Murbay.  I just wish I had one witness to that, because no one else saw it or would believe it (except my close friends).  My ex acted so sweet, sweet was and is his MO.  So it's like surviving a traumatic event, and having no witnesses around to share or validate your experience of that event.  I couldn't believe the dramatic shift, and I was there.

One of the things that hurts the most is the old job that I left (I had worked there on and off free lance for 22 years) and where he has been working on and off for about a year and a half.  Well, that place is filled with friends, co-workers and clients that see nothing but sweetness, charm and good intentions in this man.  He is so damn charming - the mask is so thick.  If anyone there had to guess who hurt who in the relationship, I'm sure I'd be cast as the bad guy.  Even the owner, who I've been friends with for 22 years, has told me that my ex is so sad over the loss of me that he can't talk about it.  I know he's faking that so he doesn't look like an ___hole.  After I spoke with her, I realized he didn't even tell them he broke up with me, just that we broke up, and acted sad.  This drives me crazy!  He broke my heart, it was 100% his abrupt decision, and yet he wants to milk the sympathy from them.  And I felt compelled to leave that venue, and all the people associated with it behind.

This is why I need "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".  I feel he's already stolen so much from me.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I have just one more thing to add about my ex

[crystalclear]

Hi leftbehind,

 to you. I am going through a very traumatic phase of my that i never imagined i would wind up in. I can understand what you have written, especially when we gave all our love to them and they simply walk away and find another person within no time and seem to be living a happy life like we were just another notch in their belt - who they will use to gain simpathy from their friends, family and the new woman. My ex bfwBPD (undiagnosed) broke up with me out of the blue and got engaged to another (new) girl in 2 months and will soon be married. I am not friends with him on FB, but my anxiety pushed me to check his profile... . every day - the only updates were him enjoying his life. He is always private abt his woman, only his best friends and family knew of me.

I complerely relate to how you feel, and i am with you. I try hard each day to push myself, and i choose not to date anyone for a while, perhaps i may end up comparing my date with my exBF so no guys for sometime. I think it takes time and constant support to move to a better and stronger phase where you regain your confidence and start loving yourself more. What is helping m, is to think what i want in my life - be it professionally or personally and then i plan each day accordingly. I think if a person could not appreciate and respect my love and care - he does not deserve a place in my life... . nor rent a space in my head. We are no in charge of our life - so we can either make use of every minute we have in the present to make a better future we want or just ruminate about some selfish/heartless guy who was not even closely good for us in anyway... .

[WalrusGumboot]

Maybe it will just take time. 

That is exactly what it would take. Sorry that I cannot suggest a different brain bleach to use.

I ruminated over my xBPDw for a number of months after the divorce, and not in a longing fashion. Things just triggered memories, and the most recent memories that my brain had to pull from had her in them.

Time goes by and new memories are created... . those without them. Over time, I found her entering my mind less and less, sometimes for days at a time. I am one year out now and am looking forward to the not thinking about her for weeks... . months... . years at a time.

Be patient. It gets better.

[Bananas]

Maybe it will just take time. 

That is exactly what it would take. Sorry that I cannot suggest a different brain bleach to use.

I ruminated over my xBPDw for a number of months after the divorce, and not in a longing fashion. Things just triggered memories, and the most recent memories that my brain had to pull from had her in them.

Time goes by and new memories are created... . those without them. Over time, I found her entering my mind less and less, sometimes for days at a time. I am one year out now and am looking forward to the not thinking about her for weeks... . months... . years at a time.

Be patient. It gets better.

All of the suggestions here are excellent, but yes it takes time.  But I just want to add baby steps. And not to be hard on yourself.  Sometimes you will take a step back, but reward yourself for even the tiniest step forward.  And try to be present, in the moment you are right now.

I was feeling that I was thinkng of my ex 24/7 and now I think I have it to somewhere like 20/7. 

Sometimes I will stop myself and realize, hey, I just spent a solid hour doing something, for example, spending time with my dogs and was totally focused on them and did not think of my ex at all.  Good for me!

[leftbehind]

Thank you to everyone for your support.  I really appreciate it . 

[patientandclear]

I guess it is unrealistic to expect myself to be over it all in two months, but I feel like he has moved on and is having a great life - having sex with his lovely "sex friend" lady (who is beautiful, by the way - I've seen her picture on facebook)  having his first ever art show, and working more days a week at my old job that I left because of him than I ever got while I was there.

So, I don't want to be the total loser who still is stopped in her tracks emotionally, mentally, even physically (this breakup seems to have created lots of pain in my body in the last couple of months) while he goes gaily skipping along with his life, as if I never mattered or existed.

Yep.

This was so difficult for me.  Always in the past, when I went through a rough breakup, I could immerse myself in my work or other parts of my life and that would pull me through.  This time, I had no heart for it.  And I started doing a cruddy job of my job, and of being a parent, and had no energy to follow through with anything.  So in addition to the loss of this love affair, I was left with a mess in every department of my life.

Meanwhile he moved right along and started seeing (again) one of my coworkers, a really beautiful woman much younger than me, who was glowing with enthusiasm and energy all the time.  I knew how she felt -- that was me just a few months earlier.  He was pursuing new passions (art, like your guy) and having her meet his friends and ... . I was a shell of my former self, barely able to scrape myself up off the pavement every day and do the minimum necessary to keep my life from collapsing, while he seemed to be doing great.

Very hard to take.

I now know he treated the old/new gf shabbily and so dissociated his memories of our time together that he can barely refer to or acknowledge it (even with me -- we reunited as friends and whenever I made any reference to any of that, even obliquely, he acted like he was in physical pain and could not respond verbally or in writing).  He says now he believes "all of life is loss."  He is in continuous pain, I think, constantly looking for something to relieve it.  In short, all is not as it seems when they are glowing with creative passion and enthusiasm for their next chapter.  But that feeling that you are the dried up husk they discarded while they have a fresh new start -- it's pretty awful.

[babyducks]

I need to stop thinking of my BPDexbf. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to do this?  What works for you? 

Exercise.  Physical exercise.   I am healing a broken bone right now but to the limit I can I have pushed the exercise.   Outside.   In the parks.   With people.   Walking.  Biking.   Moving and getting out of my head.

[Undone123]

It is literally time and that is all it is!

Mine cut all contact with me for six weeks, blocked me on sites... . I destroyed literally everything she had ever given me so no triggers of good times. It took ages. I stopped thinking about her all the time to the point it was obsessive, to a healthier place where I still thought about her lots, but could concerntrate on other things... . However she unblocked me last week, and that triggered it all again. But it's all started to settle down again... .

She says she's going to be at a place I'm at on saturday, that may trigger something as it will be the first time I've seen her in nearly 3 months.

In fact anyone with an idea on how to deal with that? Shall i just mask my feelings or actually say "I miss you"?

[leftbehind]

thanks for all the helpful suggestions.  babyducks, I'm waiting to go back to exercising after an injury, but I know that will help.  Patientandclear, I'm still amazed at how similar our stories are.  And to everyone that mentioned time, I know that's what it will take.  Every day of NC helps.

I'm avoiding working at my old two freelance jobs because he's there, and I still think it's so unfair, because I worked at those places long before him.  But there are big reminders of him at both locations, even if I don't physically run into him.  Luckily I got two new freelance jobs when I let those two go.  It just still feels like the theft runs deep.  Still licking my wounds, I guess. 

I missed him so much today that I actually felt that the right thing to do was maybe write or call.  I still feel this has all been a big misunderstanding, even though two months have gone by, even though I know he's started sleeping with someone else post breakup.  Even though I know one of the last things he said to me when I confronted him post breakup was, "I feel like you're holding me hostage." 

I guess I have to remember those words.  I just wanted him to explain how he could tell me he loved me 3 times Wednesday, and literally be looking to break up with me before noon on Thursday.  He refused to talk to me about it.

It was like he didn't feel I should require an explanation from him, since his decision was already made. 

Just needed to vent some more.  Every time I cook, I think hit__ would have loved this.  That's one of the things we would always do for each other.  It was so good, until he decided he was done.

[seeking balance]

Radical Acceptance that it takes as long as it takes, along with meditation techniques to notice the feelings or thoughts but not get tied to them.  Some days are good, some days are hard - but with time the good days will be the norm.

I used the mantra "let go" in yoga and if my ex popped into my head.  If it persisted, I would say to myself, "SB - what emotion are you experiencing - and then let myself experience it."  A lesson that I have learned is it does get better if I just lean into the pain for a minute - it always passes... . but if I try to ignore it, it seems to stay around longer.

Hang in here!

[leftbehind]

Thank you, Seeking Balance.  I've actually been practicing letting myself feel the emotions instead of pushing them away.  When I have the time to feel them it helps, but it's distracting when the feelings/thoughts come when I'm in the middle of working.

I've recently had an injury, and can't wait to recover to return back to yoga.  That was helping me so much in the first month after the breakup. 

Trying to let go. Thanks for your support