What about money owed?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just saw that the exBPD's house sold. We have been NC for 8+ months and she is long gone - back with her husband.

Just brought back some memories and resentments. One thing is the finality - she is not coming back to this town.

She left owing me $5000 but threatened if I ever contact her she will contact the police.

Now I know she has a bit of extra money I am temped to contact (maybe by a third party ie lawyer). Or is it worth it?

Is my healing and serenity worth jeopardizing  just to potentially get a few bucks back and to hold her accountable to her promise as I would with a "normal" person. I can imagine her "going ballistic" with raging and counter threats - even the police (she is good at playing the victim and distorting the truth).

Or should I just reframe things? The money was the price I paid to learn. First about abusive r/s's and BPD's and that I will never put myself in that position again. And secondly the huge benefits I got from the r/s by starting to look at my own core issues (adult child and codependency stuff). And last what I have learned about love.

I think I have answered my own question. If she has a moment of accountability and sends me some money: great otherwise: let it go. The potential cost of stirring things up isn't worth the risk. I need to take care of myself and move on.

[nolisan]

Just saw that the exBPD's house sold. We have been NC for 8+ months and she is long gone - back with her husband.

Just brought back some memories and resentments. One thing is the finality - she is not coming back to this town.

She left owing me $5000 but threatened if I ever contact her she will contact the police.

Now I know she has a bit of extra money I am temped to contact (maybe by a third party ie lawyer). Or is it worth it?

Is my healing and serenity worth jeopardizing  just to potentially get a few bucks back and to hold her accountable to her promise as I would with a "normal" person. I can imagine her "going ballistic" with raging and counter threats - even the police (she is good at playing the victim and distorting the truth).

Or should I just reframe things? The money was the price I paid to learn. First about abusive r/s's and BPD's and that I will never put myself in that position again. And secondly the huge benefits I got from the r/s by starting to look at my own core issues (adult child and codependency stuff). And last what I have learned about love.

I think I have answered my own question. If she has a moment of accountability and sends me some money: great otherwise: let it go. The potential cost of stirring things up isn't worth the risk. I need to take care of myself and move on.

[causticdork]

I think most of us are owed substantial amounts of money by our exes, and I think most of us have come to the conclusion that it's not worth it. 

[GaGrl]

Do you have anything signed by her showing that she acknowledges she owes your money?  Or was it a "gentleman's agreement"?

If no loan papers signed by her... . let it go.

[nolisan]

I have two emails promising to pay - two "loans". This is for about half of the five grand.

But I think it is best to let it go. The selling of her house has just brought this back into my mind.

[MarcinN7]

Your mental health is priceless. If you can - let it go.

[nolisan]

Your mental health is priceless. If you can - let it go.

For everything else there is MasterCard! Thanks for that!

[spaceace]

If you can, let it go... . your mental health is worth so much more than a few measly thousand dollars. I couldn't let go of a similar situation with my wife and she did go ballistic. And I wish more than anything, I would have let it go. In the end, I would have been so much better off emotionally. Live and learn.

[clairedair]

If you can, let it go... . your mental health is worth so much more than a few measly thousand dollars. I couldn't let go of a similar situation with my wife and she did go ballistic. And I wish more than anything, I would have let it go. In the end, I would have been so much better off emotionally. Live and learn.

Hi Nolisan

I have tried more than once to 'reason' with exH about financial issues and it has backfired on me by bringing me down every time.  I am currently feeling much healthier than I have for some time and am debating with myself about whether to tackle a financial issue.  But, I am scared that my hard-won current state might be damaged again.

I hate feeling that he is still in some way controlling me by making decisions about finance that affect me.  However, I remember how low I felt after previous encounters and I don't want to go there just now.

Do you want the money back (a) because you really need it or (b) as a matter of principle (or a combination of both)?

[tomjon78]

Same story for me... . I decided to forget about it... . My mental health is more then the 10.000 dollar she owes me. But I know it´s unfair and hurtful.