Personal breakthrough

[connect]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your help as ever on here.

Just wanted to say that my BPDbf and I are working things out well, touch wood

We spent a lot of time together over the last few days. At one point a familiar topic came up for me which triggered my normal questions to him (not shouting, just calm questions that he always perceives as an attack)

He raged. I stayed calm. Strangely enough I then told him my FOO issues that I have NEVER told a b/f before. The shift in both of us was was huge and very good. It seems like these co-dep meetings and this board have actually helped me to look at my own stuff. His BPD is still there of course but it felt good to be honest with him about my issues too.

Just wanted to put that out there!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[cult]

Hi Connect,

Glad to hear that you are doing better. I hope that things continue to improve. Keep us posted as to how it goes and remember to keep working on yourself, that is the only path to sanity.

[coworkerfriend]

Connect - happy to read your update.  It is good to be honest and true to yourself and it sounds like being calm allowed for a shift in the relationship.

Keep us posted

[HoldingAHurricane]

Hi Connect,

For what it's worth I wanted to share a perspective on "questions" which I gained from a joint therapy with my husband recently. For quite some time now he has been raging about how controlling and manipulative I am. It felt as if everything I did or said and everything I didn't do or say was being identified as controlling or manipulative.

In joint therapy the therapist offered that he thought we had differing needs around certainty. I could agree I asked a lot of questions and they were about me trying to clarify, understand, and reduce the uncertainty, make things run smoothly etc. My husband perceived it as a sinister plot to gather data to use to control and manipulate him and as he was already sensitive to that it sent him into a rage.

For the moment, therapy helped him see that I has no sinister agenda in asking questions and has... . for the moment... . alleviated some of his suspicions.   

[connect]

Thanks! :-)

Huricane - Thank you for your observation and info. The same dynamic works with us. I ask questions like you to make myself feel better and to improve the situation. He says that I am "an information gatherer" and I do this to attack him with it at a later date. One simple question from me on a sensitive subject will generally cause 0 to 60 in a second rage wise even from a good period.

I will have a chat with him about this using what you got from your therapy (thank you!) I am sure that this explaination will help me too. I knew I asked questions to feel better and he reacted but your therapist has clarified the intentions of the questions which i always found hard to describe to him. Thanks.