Living chaos

[wizard59]

Apparently, we've had a miscommunication. Long story short, my ADHD son--not medicated--is married to an undBPD. 3 years ago, he went from complaining incessantly to us about her as a wife and mother for his kids,( 7 or 8 years of this, a fact he doesn't deny) to blaming his mother, me, and his sister for everything wrong in his life. Prior to their marriage, she pulled numerous things that led all of us to believe she had serious behavior problems, including one that almost landed her in prison, but he married her anyway. Big surprise. Our counselor told us, his being ADHD, he honestly didn't think he could do any better at the time.

Fast forward. Two weeks ago, he and the DIL, came over and tried the accusation game all over again. They quickly found out that neither my wife or I were going to buy into their feeble attempts to rewrite history, and our witnesses and documentation shut them down cold. Exposed to the whole family now, in the end, they claimed they want only to be a part of our family again.

To date we have made no attempt to have the BBQ, stop out to visit, etc, things that (I guess just I) said we would do. While I was at work, my wife did go out to their house and drop off something she promised our grandson, and the DIL acted like they were best friends. Son was kind of snippy. Then, this weekend, he called, asked if we could all go to the lake with OUR boat. I said we had some plans, but may be available later in the afternoon, and yes, he could use the boat. While it wasn't made perfectly clear, it was suggested that my wife's brother, who has done everything he can to encourage our son, and the damage in our family, might be up at the lake with his family.

My strategy was for BOTH my wife and I to show up. Be Mr. and Mrs. Congeniality, make the DIL either behave herself while we get a bit of time with the grandkids, or make her show herself in front of my son and my brother-in-law what she really is. Either way, at this point, we really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain--provided it is them who make the mistakes.

Problem. Somehow, I failed to make it perfectly clear the invitation was for both of us, not just me. Consequently,  my wife refused to have anything to do with them and we have been at each others' throats every since.

My assessment. I offer my son and his wife absolutely no credence whatsoever in what they have done to our family. I also understand that we must set limits with them, but we must also have consistency as to what those limits are. It cannot be that we love you one day, and don't want anything to do with you the next. Failure to do so makes us look very unstable, and gives DIL all the  ammunition she needs to keep our son--and his moral supporters--forever deceived.

Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.


 

[Murbay]

 

Hi Wizard,

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your son and his uBPDw. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be difficult for you and your wife in terms of being in put in the middle of their relationship and especially when children are involved. How long have your son and DIL been married?

You refer to setting boundaries, which I do understand the difficulties when it comes to a loved one and family member. You might find these articles helpful as it is very important that you and your wife remain emotionally healthy without being pulled in to the drama that appears to be unfolding.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD

I know in your case, it is your DIL who is the upwBPD but it does sound like your son is having personal battles of his own too.

Are your son or DIL involved in any kind of therapy?

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, wizard59    and, I'd like to join Murbay in welcoming you here    I can certainly commiserate with your feelings of anger and confusion and sadness relating to what you are going through with your son and daughter-in-law. My younger son is married to a wonderful woman who, I suspect, is either undiagnosed BPD, or at least has those traits... . From time to time my husband and I deal with the silent treatment, rages, and we are always walking on eggshells even when times are really good (like now!)... .

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Murbay's links are great, and I recommend that you read them, too... . You can never have too much education    And I guarantee, once you learn how to change the way you communicate with them, your son and D-I-L will change the way they react to you... . And, hopefully, for the better 

[wizard59]

Dear Murbay and Rapt Reader,

Thanks so much for the reply. To answer the questions you asked, our son has been married to DIL for 10 years and has three kids with her. As for "is he in any kind of therapy," I only wish. Between my BIL and my FIL, my son had been hanging out with the two biggest uNPDs I've ever seen in my life, and currently thinks he walks on water. Trust me. They're using him. Both are trying to punish my wife because she won't sacrifice everything in her life and take care of their petty domestic needs. (that heightened sense of entitlement)

Also, lately, my wife and I have been reading a lot about non-medicated adult ADHD, (our son) and he sounds like a pretty easy person for them to manipulate. My own mother has also been playing the same game on Facebook from out of state. Moral support is what it is, regardless of how it is offered.

I have long known that both my wife and I come from two very dysfunctional families. Still the biggest problem I have right now is getting on the same page with my wife--and knowing we are handling things with our son and our respective families EXACTLY. I worry about my own integrity first, maybe even to a fault, before blaming others. Definitely plan to spend some time reading on the links you provided.

Thanks again to both of you!

Wizard59

PS. The weird password has nothing to do with the occult. It is based on an internal family joke!