So I did it again

[lostandbroken]

I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was being good at validatinguyen her and we hadn't had a fight in several days. I disconnected myself when she out of the blue said she was moving to North Dakota. However over the last couple days she had been distant and I was trying really hard to appreciate the ways that she shows me that she loves me. We were cuddling in bed and then she rolled over. I felt rejected. She looked over her shoulder and said, "What's wrong?" I said, "I'm just thinking about what I need to do for the day," She said, "Bullhit, something wrong now what is it?" I saw no way out on this so I told her and she flew into a rage. God what could I have done different?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   I'm sorry you're struggling L&B.  It really is difficult at times.  I often keep things to myself because I don't want to get into a fight over it.  My feelings are mine.  If I feel rejected it's mine to own.  I know that he will feel attacked if I tell him certain things and he'll JADE and it becomes my fault.  There isn't much point as far as I'm concerned.  I can choose to feel rejected, sad, angry, etc or I can turn it around and be happy in spite of it all.  It's mostly learning not to take my husband's moods on or take it too personally.  For the most part, he's very sensitive unless he's in his head... . then he's only sensitive to his own needs and he recognizes his selfishness, but has little control over it.  I'm ok with that... . it's BPD not him.

[lostandbroken]

Thanks Rocky, part of it is that as I've been going thru the tools here I've been trying to recognize the ways she says "I'm sorry" because she will never tell me in words that she is sorry for something, however, I do see it in other things she does. There are times that she shows she loves me even when she is in a mood and I'm trying to appreciate those because I know that sometimes she does love me but isn't able to show it in the way that we both know I need it to be shown to me.  When I felt rejected this morning I knew the feeling was wrong and that's what made me mad at myself.  When she asked me what was wrong I tried to dodge the question.  Then she called me on it and I was just thinking , "I'm screwed here either way.  If I dodge again or make something up (lie) she will know and then she'll think that I don't love her or that I want to leave and that's why I don't want to answer the question.  If I tell her what I am feeling she is going to be mad and blow up even tho it really has nothing to do with her and its my problem."  I don't know if its a trait of BPD or not but she can read my emotions and its difficult for me because at times she uses them as a weapon against me. Years ago I suffered a nervous breakdown and it was because I was going thru alot of deppression and couldn't cope with my own feelings.  It took me a long time to embrace them and deal with them.  Then I was married for 13 years to a woman that didn't give a crap and my feelings didn't matter, so when I did express them it was no big deal cause no one really cared.  My girlfriend does care, but sometimes when I express them she takes it personal so I've gone back to surpressing them until I can find some alone time to let them out.  Its maybe not the healthiest thing for me to do to myself. I'm strong enough that I can handle it tho.

[bruceli]

I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was being good at validatinguyen her and we hadn't had a fight in several days. I disconnected myself when she out of the blue said she was moving to North Dakota. However over the last couple days she had been distant and I was trying really hard to appreciate the ways that she shows me that she loves me. We were cuddling in bed and then she rolled over. I felt rejected. She looked over her shoulder and said, "What's wrong?" I said, "I'm just thinking about what I need to do for the day," She said, "Bull, something wrong now what is it?" I saw no way out on this so I told her and she flew into a rage. God what could I have done different?

Is she REALLY going or is it just PD talk?  DW on a weekly basis and atleast once a week says she is moving back home... . it's been a year and she is still here... .

[lostandbroken]

No she isn't really going.  I have heard so many times that she is going back to Missouri or that she is going to move her or there and I know in the moment she says it she really means it and believes it, but then if you call her on it later she says "oh I was just thinking about it but was never going to do it".  Well in my world when you say for example, "I'm moving back home." Then I'm moving back home which is different from "I'm thinking about moving back home" which to me means its an idea but I'm not sure yet.  One time she told me she wanted to move a few miles away to the town her daughter lives in so she can be with her and I asked her if she was asking me to move with her and she said "No." So I said well if your breaking up with me then whats the hold up, pack up and I'll take ya now.  She got mad and said I miss understood her.  After a while she said she could understand where I was coming from, but as usual, I was the jerk.

I really do get sick and tired of it always being me who is the jerk, me who is the one starting the fights, me whose in a bad mood.  I do my best to try and distance myself from these feelings, but they still get the best of me like they are today.  Especially when my needs are being so ignored.

[lostandbroken]

Sometimes and I know this sounds bad but I wish she would just follow thru on the threat.

[united for now]

Sometimes and I know this sounds bad but I wish she would just follow thru on the threat.

Why is that?

[lostandbroken]

Well, and I feel guilty about this, if she ever did just leave then that would be her choice and it would mean she hurt herself, not I. To me it seems like an easy out. I'm not the type of person who ever looks for the easy way out. I've always believed that anything worth having was gained by hard work. If it was too easy, it wasn't really worth it.

[united for now]

So you are worried about her hurting herself?

Your response didn't explain why "you" are secretly hopeful that she'll leave - because "you" feel what ?

[lostandbroken]

I see your point, I thought it was self explantory there however it wasn't. I feel that I would be happier not being judged by my feelings everyday. I feel I would be happier not having to walk on eggshells all the time (yes, I am reading that book right now). I feel that if she left then I don't have to take responsibilty for her.

Kindof a relief and kindof disturbing to me now that I've put it down.

[united for now]

Thank you for sharing that with us 

Examining our feelings can be painful, especially when our emotions aren't the most empathetic or understanding towards others. What you are feeling is actually pretty normal after being abused for a long time. You begin to wish the abuser was out of your life so that you could regain some of your peace.

I am glad that you are reading SWOE. It is a decent starter book, though there are some others out there that will provide you with a better array of tools and skills.

My personal favorites

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

by Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D.

Feeling Good

by David D. Burns, M.D.

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

Steven C Hayes

[bruceli]

Sometimes and I know this sounds bad but I wish she would just follow thru on the threat.

Why is that?

Just to not to have to hear it... . She went back home in Feb, didn't call for two days... . Called two to three times a day for the remaining  8 days saying how much she missed here and me... .   Nuff said... . never happy no matter where they are... .