This is my life

[wjc]

So here’s a synopsis of a typical bad day for us.

 It’s a holiday and my wife is very nervous and anxious about company coming and her house not being perfect.  I am running around trying to help her so she doesn’t feel nervous.  I do all the cooking so she need not worry about that, but she is fixated on is the house clean.  My 8 year old Son and my wife get into a shouting match like two children not one and an adult.  I try to put out that fire all the while thinking my Son is reacting to the stress he is feeling from wife’s anxiety.  

I make him breakfast and am washing the dishes when my wife tells me how annoyed she is because no matter what she does the kitchen is a mess.  I take a deep breath and answer her by saying in a very matter of fact controlled tone, Our Son had to eat and I took care of that for her and I am cleaning up the mess.  

She then starts yelling at me that she is not intimidated by my assertive tone and I am teaching out Son to be disrespectful.  I try and reason with her, but she keeps telling me how much damage I have caused because I do not know how to treat her.  She then tells me that I am a failure as a father and a terrible Pastor because I am a hypocrite…and a host of other verbal attacks.

 I try to remain calm, and each time I try and address what she says…she tells me that my Son is listening and I am damaging him (she is oblivious to what she just said and the fact that he heard her say it)  I ask her over and over again to stop, to let it go before we have a big argument.  I tell it’s a holiday and we are having company it’s not worth it to ruin the day, but she keeps ranting until finally I lose it and tell her that she has ruined the day and I a mess inside.  I can’t even think about entertaining guests.

 

The guests arrive and I am physically sick in the bathroom and have to pretend the rest of the day.  We do not speak the whole night…except for a few futile attempts I make to engage her,, The next day she tells me that no is coming over today because she is exhausted from what I put her through yesterday.  She takes NO responsibility and owns nothing of what happened.  This is a classic holiday for me.  Happy 4th of July!

I am angry that my in-laws never got my wife help when she was young.  She was adopted as a baby and found out when she was 12.  She lived her whole childhood thinking that it was something to be ashamed of.  She has a volatile relationship wither adopted Mother, although they love each other deeply they both fight animals.  I do not know who is worse. My wife adores her father, but he just walks around and a bundle of nerves

When it comes to raising our Son, my wife always interferes with me in front of our Son.  She acts like his lawyer most of the time.  I have never been allowed to take an authority role in the parenting.  She tells me that when I raise my voice to him that it is scary, and yet she yells all day everyday about everything.

 If I do not get involved and discipline she tells me that I do not care about our Son and I want him to disrespect her.  She tells me I’m too easy and I spoil him.  She tells me that it is not normal for a Father to be so involved with his child and that most fathers go to work all day and let the Mother do her job.  I am not even allowed to buy my Son something unless I ask her first.  

Basically I cannot win in any situation.  She is always right to the point that it is bizarre.

The other night I was rushing to cook dinner so that we could go out to IKEA…my wife wanted to go.   I suggested going out to eat, but she didn’t want to.  She took out some chopped meat for me to cook dinner, and it was spoiled.  I told her I would take it back to the store and replace it.  She was angry and said no that she wanted to go.  I called her at the store and told rather than getting more meat just pick up some hotdogs and I’ll throw them on the grill so that we wouldn’t have to cook and it would be faster.

When she came home she was furious with me because she is tired of always going to the store all the time and I don’t care about her time because I changed my mind about what I wanted for dinner.  I told her that I didn’t spoil the meat and that she was there anyway, but she yelled at me that it wasn’t the point and that I have no respect for her.  

Like I said before… I can’t win.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamachelle]

Hi wjc,

I hear you. Holidays are often stressful for all especially pw BPD.

I just read the first few chapters of this book from the link. I think it might be worth it for you to check it out.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT

The preview PDF is here and very good:

www.books.google.com/books?id=aciFU9rNt84C&pg=PA1&source=gbs_toc_r&cad=2#v=onepage&q&f=false


You are not alone!

mamachelle

[Grey Kitty]

  wjc,

Sheesh, that does sound like quite a day. I'm so sorry that you had one like it, and even more sorry that it was typical. 

One big pattern showed up in here:

When it comes to raising our Son, my wife always interferes with me in front of our Son.  She acts like his lawyer most of the time.  I have never been allowed to take an authority role in the parenting.  She tells me that when I raise my voice to him that it is scary, and yet she yells all day everyday about everything.

 If I do not get involved and discipline she tells me that I do not care about our Son and I want him to disrespect her.  She tells me I’m too easy and I spoil him.  She tells me that it is not normal for a Father to be so involved with his child and that most fathers go to work all day and let the Mother do her job.  I am not even allowed to buy my Son something unless I ask her first.

She tells you a bunch of things that are invalidating, judgmental, and mostly or completely wrong about yourself. She personally contradicts some of them herself.

When I came here to these forums suspecting my wife had BPD, it was such a huge relief to re-claim my sanity and my own world view. Yes, my wife said things that had no basis in my reality. No, I didn't need to believe any of them. I don't mean ignore her, because these beliefs were important to her. Just that I didn't find them true and didn't need to.

As somebody said here recently, hold tight to your own truths.

How to deal with that crazy-making system of behavior is a series of problems, but if you try to base your actions on her ever-shifting version of reality, you will never win.

When there is no way to win, it is time to change the rules of the game, or play a different one.

 GK

[united for now]

  and the staying board

I am very glad that you found us.

We can totally relate to your experiences and how alone and hurt you feel. By posting here you are joining a community of people who are working to improve their relationship. You aren't alone anymore 

There is a lot of resources here, and it can feel overwhelming at first. My first suggestion is to spend some time working through the lessons. Take them one at a time and reread them as often as you need to. There is a wealth of wisdom to be found in them. The book that mamachelle recommended is excellent, so get a copy and keep it hidden. Post here as often as you need to, whether you have a question or are just looking for support and guidance.