Is it real?

[cylec]

A few days ago my girl friend let slip she BPD.  

Obviously I had known, after the last 9 mos. of pure hell, there was something wrong.   She had previously simply told me she had anger issues... . yah, freakin' right.   The night she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD, feeling completely lost, I googled it.  After reading about it for only 5 mins. I had the "EUREKA!" moment!  I spent the next 6 straight hours reading everything on the web about it I could find.  

Obviously I stumbled upon this message board.  I had thought that I was simply in a bad relationship with a terrible person.  Almost every story I read here from folks is identical to what I have been through the last 9 months.

After another day of reading, learning, conversing with some very kind folks here my first reaction was to end the relationship.  I am a recovering alcoholic and was not convinced I had the emotional strength to not only daily tackle my problems but to also continue to shoulder the burden of being involved with a BPD.  I therefore made a knee jerk reaction to go ahead and end the relationship and walk away with what remained of my sanity and peace of mind.  I did so in a short and non-vindictive manner.

Just because I ended the relationship did not mean I stopped studying and visiting this board, seeking input/advice/experiences of others.  Of course my girlfriend reacted as I have learned is typical of the BPD.  

I began reading the other testimonials of folks who had decided to inform themselves and expend the effort to make it work.  I also reached out to my support base and the vast pool of experience and knowledge available to me through AA.

Of course, after the split, my girlfriend reacted exactly as I had expected, after reading many of ya'lls similiar experiences.  She began falling all over herself expressing her unending love for me while shifting the blame, ever so subtley, back onto me.  After much studying, reading, and thinking about it all through the lense of the tools I have in place from my own 12 step program I made the choice to give it a shot.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not so arrogant as to think after a weekend of intense cramming in of as much information as I could that I am suddenly an expert on BPD and have all the answers.  In the three days we have been back together, of course, the old behaviors of hers immediately began again-the insane jealousy, the reality as she saw it being the absolute truth, the accusations, basically the whole ball of wax... . The difference, this time, is how I reacted.  I am not trying to turn this into a testimonial on AA but the basic tenant that has been drilled into my head is:  I cannot change anyone, the only thing I can change is the way I react.  

I immediately began putting my new found knowledge to work.   You will have to pardon me, I don't recall the exact terms on everything so I'll describe as best as I can.   Whenever the conversation is taken over by her insane jealousy and accusations, instead of me getting frustrated, instead of me trying to defend, explain, justify, and argue, I have used the, "I can understand how you could feel that way if there was any truth to that" or the "If the shoe was on the other foot and it was me in your shoes and I saw it that way" approach.   Though that did not each time immediately cause her to calm down it was the groundwork upon which the conversation could continue and finally turn civil and constructive.  I will take the small victories over the idea that I can completely change her or cure her.  I laid out boundaries also, letting her know in a very firm but loving manner when the conversation began turning to the absolutely absurd that I would not participate.  At first it pissed her off but when she realized I meant what I said and was ready to follow through on my word she backed off and moments of reason and clarity became more frequent.   It truly was like dealing with a three year old child.

I am under no illusion that this is going to be an easy road to travel.  I truly do love this woman and am willing to go to any length to give the relationship a fighting chance.

Now, after my testimonial, here is where I need input.  I intend, no I must, continue to educate myself.   I have ordered the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  Tomorrow, Monday, I intend on seeing if there are any support groups for those in relationships with a BPD.  My questions are these:  Am I fooling myself?  Is there a chance to actually have a long loving relationship with a BPD?  Am I merely postponing the inevitable?

Thank ya'll for your time and thank you so much for this board.

Cyle

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

There is hope.  There is a lot of doom and gloom over these relationship out there, and not without some justification.  But, the tools we practice here have brought a lot of peace to a lot of people.  Your background with AA will help you tremendously here.  We operate on many of the same principles.  We focus on self, don't try to change our partners, etc.

It sounds like you are off to great start.  Keep us posted on your progress and good luck!

[Rockylove]

I'll second briefcase's statement that your background with AA will be of great help.  I had previously been married to an alcoholic (never in recovery) and I attended Al-Anon which was wonderful for ME.  Although I was told in one of the 1st meetings I attended that my job was to focus on my recovery and as I gained strength and became healthier, my husband would either want to join me on that road or leave (he eventually left) it was all about what I could do for my own sanity.  This knowledge, among all that I've read (lessons here and recommended books~~and there are lots of them, and posting questions, reading comments of others and how they've handled situations) has given me the hope of a positive future with my new husband (undiagnosed).

You are fortunate that your gf has had the diagnosis and is aware of her issues... . perhaps she'll even work on hers knowing that you care enough to give it a try may be the catalyst for her to work through some of her own issues in therapy. 

Good luck to you and keep reading, posting and using the tools you've learned!  It may be a difficult road to travel, but I believe it can be most rewarding. 

[cylec]

Thank ya'll so much for your replies and for your encouraging words.   

Today is not a good day.  I feel that when I take a step forward I get knocked three steps back.

In a nutshell here is what happened this morning:  My girlfriend knows I am educating myself on BPD and how to be in a lasting and loving relationship with one who suffers.   She has expressed her appreciation to me that I would care enough to try to understand her condition.

We had a conversation this morning where she basically told me she doesn't know if and when I will ":)o what I have our entire relationship - when things get tough will I just dump her like I always do".  I felt as though she were blaming me, in that instant, for all of the ills of the past 9 months and had resolved herself to the fact that she is blameless and it is my lack of character and commitment that is in question.  I know I don't need to defend myself, here, on the accusation that I was the one who dropped her everytime at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to move this to the "Undecided" forum because I truly do love her and am willing to go to any length... . but is it to damn much to ask for just a little help from her?   I know I am not in my best place this morning, I am in the typical HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired) phase right now.   I didn't bite at what I perceived as a dig.  Is this what I have to look forward to forever?  I know I have to apply the One day at a time principal to this relationship, but when they decide your feelings mean nothing they just go all out don't they?  Is it safe to assume there is no middle ground?  It is either the pink cloud or hell... . nothing in between?

Any words of wisdom, encouragement, anything would be greatly appreciated.

Cyle

PS:  My copy of Walking on Eggshells will be here today.   For that I am grateful.

[Ring of fire]

Cylec.

I hope this gives you some encouragement. I have been on these boards for years,read SWOE some 20 times and I still struggle ... . but I know that if we stay with a person with a PD,we must be strong ourselves,tough as nails. I do know of actual people who got better. It takes years and they must be serious about recovery. On our part it helps if we have compassion. It is hell to endure what they do. Just one simple yet effective thing I can tell you is that you must keep the word RESPECT in front of you at all times.You must have control over yout own feelings and emotions. Leave,hang up when they become unreasonable. Have CONSISTANCY. Sadly... . we must have the  mentality that we are dealing with a child. As for you asking is it real? I strugggle with that every day and it makes me very sad. It is the saddest part of this disorder. Rather than tell you to run for the hills,I commend you for loving her and wanting to better yourself . DBT can also be good for us as NONS ... . look into it.

[Ring of fire]

P.S- "Stop walking on Eggshells" is an awesome book and for many of us it changed our lives. You are not alone.

[briefcase]

Easier said than done, but its real easy to personalize these kinds of statements.  But the truth is she's mostly talking about herself and trying to express her anxiety in a way that feels same to her (blaming you). 

There will always be good days and bad.  We're here for you on both!

[Rockylove]

P.S- "Stop walking on Eggshells" is an awesome book and for many of us it changed our lives. You are not alone.

That was the 1st book I read and what a huge eye opener for me!  I happened upon the book in a thrift store (on the clearance rack, no less) when I was escaping the awfulness at our home one day.  It truly did change my life.  I've read 6 others that were recommended her as well as a few of my cousin's books on dealing with difficult people.  That, coupled with my experience in Al-Anon and working on whatever MY issues are have truly put me in a position of power (not power as in over anyone else... . just myself) and it's the most wonderful feeling I've ever had.  Take care of you and you'll find things falling into place... . with or without your SO doing their part... . you'll be happier and more fulfilled.