Are there non-BPs who can idealize and not devalue?

[Newkate]

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD during the honeymoon phase was like everything I ever wanted. I never felt so special. I was told I was the most beautiful woman in the world everyday. I would catch him watching me and he would tell me he was imagining me reading to our future kids. Everything about the good times made it seem like a fairy tale. I was so thankful I met someone so attentive, so in love, so romantic... .

Does this exist outside of the BPD world? Can someone without a personality disorder make you feel so special? I know its probably not healthy to be put on a pedestal, but it felt so.good.

All of these special times, the amazing connections I felt, leave me afraid. I think, could it ever be this good and special with someone else?

[Clearmind]

Being placed on a pedestal means there is a long way to fall. There is a reason why you loved being idealized NK - any ideas what the reason is? Dig back to your childhood.

Idealizing tends to start and end with very loose boundaries.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

I feel that no matter your background, you can not help to be drawn in by this. I was a well adjusted, highly intelligent, functioning and overall happy person when I met my BPD husband and felt the same way as New Kate. It is a really tough pill to swallow to realize that the person you fell in love with isn't the same person as the one you are now dealing with having massive issues and being hurtful. I understand this and understand why Kate posted this where she did, I have felt the same way and often wondered whether the man I met and fell in love with really existed or if he was merely a "persona" of my BPD H.

[mango_flower]

I can. I used to do it a lot when I was younger - with new friends too, not just prospective love interests.  I never devalued them afterwards either, just started realising they were human but still really liked and respected them.

Such a high when you idealize somebody... . no matter what they do, it's amazing!  I never painted anyone black though. The idealization just faded over time, as I said. x

[Newkate]

Thank you all for your posts.

@Clearmind, I do understand that I have a lot of self worth issues that I am trying to work out through therapy (i.e. wanting to be perfect for my dad's acceptance), but I also did love hearing that I was a beautiful person everyday (apart from times BPD would show its face). My BPDbf (ex?) has gone through therapy and now instead of painting me black, he cut off all communication because I think he was ashamed at the way he raged over something unrelated to me, but made me a part of it. I just was wondering if the whole romantic part of him stems from his BPD idealization thing.

@Overwhelmedandconfused I am sorry you are dealing with the same thing. Are you still with your H? Do you view him as the person you fell in love with BUT with this disorder? I am trying to understand if he is the disorder or just has the disorder. It is so confusing to me.

@mango_flower. Good point. Now that I think about it, I tend to be romantic and freely able to give compliments and feel madly in love with someone. I never paint them black, but I understand everyone has flaws. I guess that is what differs about pwBPD and a non. We understand from the get-go that everyone is flawed. They don't learn that 'til later.