feel foolish posting here

[simplyasiam]

the pain of the break up has passed alot over last 60 days.

ive spent hours on end working on geting to know why i was with her/healing myslef and so on

n/c for 30 somedays now... . great way to look things over

looking back i can see good/bad/wrong/right, i know i was good to her  but went about dealing with PwBPD in some many ways that made for more trouble.

i know its was her that did the cheating leaving lying but not sure she was in control of these actions.

i want her and her kids ive been rasing back but know we would all have to be in counsling and she may never be able to sticck to it.

we have had so many cycles the odds say she will reachout to me at some point but when and for what.

i know i dont have to have them in my life to live i am strong and in control of life, i make things happen  and im making life happen again.

i do get stuck on things/one track mind till i get the job done... . being here day and nite looking for answers, found answers i wasnt looking for.

i dont think i was make contact with her for anyreason ill wait and see if she lets me go white again and if she open to really dealing with BPD, till then ill keep posting

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Healing takes time. There is no way to rush it 

You mentioned that you want to be prepared "in case she reaches out to you again". Have you read through the lessons here on staying?

[simplyasiam]

hello, for now.

yes ive been working on them thats kinda why i feel foolish... . siting here alone with not one things that says she will return

[united for now]

The lessons aren't about "her" - they are about "you".

They can shift your perceptions towards a healthier outlook on life and your interpersonal relationships. They have the ability to deepen your understanding and empathy towards others as well as increase your emotional adaptability. These skills will help you for your entire life - whether she returns or not.

The sad truth is that most of us wind up here because we bring our own personal baggage of wounds and dependency that need to be healed. If we were healthy in the first place we never would have gotten involved with a pwBPD in the first place.

So don't be afraid to work on the lessons and practice them with other people in your life. You never know when you'll need them.

Change your perceptions and you change your life... .

[Whichwayisup]

Hi simplyasiam  ,

Sounds like I'm in a similar place but I have a slightly different outlook - I suspected and caught my uBPDw of having an affair and she could barely say a few civil words to me, she continued the affair for 10 weeks and later confessed she wasn’t thinking of me at the time of the dysregulation seemingly as she feared I had left the relationship a long time ago(?)

Whilst in mediation, we broke down the communication barriers and she tells me she ended the affair as it wasn't what she really wanted, realises what a mistake she has made and wants to suspend divorce proceedings etc. (I suspected recycling initially, she appears genuine so who knows if she will back it up with appropriate conviction). I also recognised my failings whilst not an excuse for her behaviour

.

I have decided I never want to have the same issues in a relationship and am determined to work on myself whatever the future may hold - I will live on my own for at least the next 9 months and get to know myself better.  My SO is telling me that she will go to therapy and get better ways of coping; but regardless of what she does, it's up to me to make a change.  Time apart (& ironically together) has allowed me to take a long hard look at what I allowed/put up with/turned a blind eye to etc.

In short, working on yourself using the lessons can only lead to a win-win situation (as we have kids, I will be doing this regardless of future intentions) ... . whilst you are fully focussed on your SO - you aren't facing up to the focus on yourself as uncomfortable as that is (it sure is for me).  I am viewing it like a pseudo insurance policy - if we get better as individuals, maybe we will want to re-engage a new relationship, or maybe we/I/she won't - there's the chance we need to take isn't it, whether with someone old or new; but we will always be with ourselves.

Can you build a little happiness for yourself and take it from there?

Whichwayisup

[Auspicious]

In short, working on yourself using the lessons can only lead to a win-win situation

[simplyasiam]

i am happy with myself as a person, im happy with manythings in my life and with the way i treat ppl and take care of myself.

i dont know how this will trun out i only know what i want to happen.

i know us/me may not be what she wants

i know under the BPD there is a person, a person i know and love.

im thankful for finding this place and the ppl here, you have all gve me a new out look on the life ive been living.

before coming here i had now clue what was fueling the way she acts at times.

all i can do now is heal/learn/grow and see what happens.

i know this time apart will good for me what ever happens