Hurting all over again my fault

[gallerykey]

Im so angry with myself. I had split with my pwBPD and hadnt had much contact and although hurting felt in control a little more than i had. He then started contact Sunday and Monday told me he had gone and got help had seen a hypnotherapist for his lying. We began talking quite normally for the first time in a long time. He told me he missed me and loved me, wanted things to be right. I didnt believe him as such but felt good. As the days gone on it was all about what he wanted so I tried not to get sucked in. This morning i got a simple "morning" text so replied. Several hors later nothing so I sent one saying nice to see u really changed, his excuse was got new phone and had to wait for sim to take effect. later in the day he asks what im doing and i say doing alot of thinking, he asks what abot and i say what do u think. he says "us? xx" after my reply of well done I have had no reply nothing, even when i say that his silence has made it obvious he hasnt changed and doesnt want to know. Why did i ever reply in the beginning? All i have done is made it worse for me. Was it just he couldnt quite go without contact and he is with the other woman i suspect he had lined up? I really cant do this anymore

[stop2think]

Hi imj72,

Don't beat yourself up. We make mistakes, sometime knowingly or unknowingly - but the point is to make a note of the learnings and give ourselves a break.

You loved or still love this guy, and he kept you believing in him. I know it hurts when people do not respond in the way they used to before, shower attention and love towards you.

pwBPD or any PD only think about their feelings and how they perceive the world in their head, they try to control themselves and people around them. Whether they change or not, it shows how vulnerable we are by dancing to their tunes, ignoring our wants and desires because we only want to bring back the person who swept us off our feet and made us feel like a princess.

Focus on yourself and your healing more. Avoid any negative company or thoughts.

Take good care,

S2T

[gallerykey]

I feel i cant function, i put on this face for the kids then go to my bedroom and cry, thats not healthy for any of us and i know this but cant stop it. If anyone i knew was to say to me this was their relationship i would think they were ridiculous for allowing it so why do i? In our hearts we really know it wont change so why do we keep giving them chances? I survived a divorce better than this and that was alot longer than this relationship! I honestly want to hide in a dark corner and hope and pray when i come out im a stronger person, i was once and want to be again. I sit at home all alone just thinking knowing hes out and about all ok having fun. If i could get closure it would be easier but its the constant dragging on (yes my fault as i give in) thats so hard. I never thought i asked for alot from live but cant even get that. Thankyou for support, means alot

[stop2think]

I am sorry to know you are having a rough time too.

What you are feeling is completely normal, or rather scientifically normal and healthy. I can understand that we have to keep the happy and strong demeanor for our family and the outside world. I can relate to this very much, as my folks do not understand what i am going through and i often stay in my room and work from home to keep to myself.

We never get a closure from them, as they cannot accept or take responsibility in true sense for what they have done to us. They cannot face their demons, the shame, the guilt and most importantly cannot care for what we feel. They abandon us when they suspect we would, to avoid the pain and misery that falls upon them. I have been trying to find closure for myself by reading and understanding the pathology of the disorder. And yes, it has been very helpful in restoring my stability within me - i feel stronger than months before.

We all are in this together, on the same path to rediscovering ourselves while recovering from this heart wrenching experience. We will get through this!

[Clearmind]

imj, self blame will cause us to hurt.

What are you angry about? This is not a judgement. What emotions underly the anger?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi IMJ, I think you are on the right path.  You might backslide a little (we all do), so give yourself a break.  Presumably you're here on the Leaving Board because you are ready to move on, which is the first step and probably the hardest.  The sad fact is that in general things don't improve in a BPD relationship and in many cases (mine included) get much worse over time.  So the sooner you commit to the difficult process of moving on, the better it will be for you.  Take it from me: I waited way too long before making the break.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[gallerykey]

Thankyou for the support, really keeping me going tonight.

I dont know or cant explain the underlying anger, the fact I was weak and gave in to reply to him, the fact I know he wont get better but wanted to believe (i see good in everyone) maybe i feel so little self worth right now i see being with him better than being alone (i know thats not really true but not feeling strong) anger at not being strong. I obviously have my own issues or wouldnt allow myself to of been treated like this so whats wrong with me? Argghhh i just feel real crap with myself right now

[Clearmind]

This contact can be a good thing however we choose the negative. You have fresh eyes on the situation and see it for what it is. Weakness is a state of mind.

The emotions underlying the anger often are uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, fear, shame and guilt. We need to learn to feel ok about these more vulnerable emotions - they are a fact of life and without them we would be sub-human.

Show yourself some kindness rather than listen to that inner critic that is chastising you right now. You have done nothing wrong - you simply put your little toe back in the water - many of us have done it and you are not alone. This contact will help you move on and learn more about your attachment to this person.