Need Advice On A Situation That Happened Last Night

[maryy16]

I would appreciate advice on how to handle a situation that occurred last night... .

I was on the phone with my adult daughter (she lives in another state).  H wanted to tell her something so he started snapping his fingers to get my attention, indicating that he wanted to tell her something.  I put up my finger as if to say "ok give me a minute", as daughter was in the middle of telling me something.  

So now he literally had to wait maybe 30 seconds for me to allow daughter to finish talking.  As soon as she was done, I said "oh, Dad wants to talk to you" and started to hand him the phone.  Well, of course, now he's completely angry because he had to wait and angrily grabs the phone out of my hand.

Well, he had his conversation with daughter and when he was done I reached out my hand to take the phone from him, and he looked at me with that angry stare he gets when he's raging and dramatically dropped the phone onto the bed as my hand was reaching out and turned away.

I lost it, I admit, and said ":)on't grab things from me again and stop being so rude.  I am not going to cut daughter off in the middle of a conversation.  You can just wait" to which he replied, "You're useless" and got into bed and went to sleep for the night.  It did not escalate to a full blown argument, but I do not want this kind of behavior to continue.

So my question is... . do I bring this up again when I see him tonight and try to set some boundaries?  And if so, what boundaries do I set for this type of situation? Or what should I have done at the time this situation was happening?

Thank you all so much!

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[meplus1]

Emotional boundaries are important.  I have been discovering many of mine by googling Bill of Emotional Rights.  A couple that I have found that may be relevant to your situation are:

1. I have the right not to be called names or judged.

2. I have the right to be talked to with courtesy and respect.

In my opinion, we all have these rights as human beings.  The more difficult part is letting the person know of the boundaries, and the potential consequences that a person must be willing to execute to maintain those boundaries.  My personally, I have found it helpful to always respond in a clam manner, careful not to mimmick their anger.  Something as simple as "I can see that you are feeling angry, and we all have the right as human beings not to be judged, would you mind rephrasing your comment in a more respectful manner?"  I threw a validation in there, which can often help anyone open up a bit.  Then stated the right that we all have as human beings, and politely provided a person an opportunity to rephrase.  To me the validation is important, it not only acknowledges that emotion is present but also deliberately separates the emotion as being a feeling, not the person is the feeling.  By this I mean, when someone says "I'm sad" it is suggesting that the emotion is now identifying the person.  By saying "I am feeling sad" it separates the person as still being a person, and one who has a particular emotion right now.  That simple validation can help the troubled individual by separating it for them, in a sense that they may not be so consumed by an emotion that should be separated, dealt with, and eventually discarded.  I gotta get ready for work, hope your day goes well.  I'm still kinda new here on the forums, so hopefully you will get some more experienced advice as the day rolls on.  Take care.

[yeeter]

I agree.  Its disrespectful behavior.

You can use DEARMAN to request a change in behavior - focusing on, and asking for respectful communication.

[Grey Kitty]

Good advice already given; I don't have much to add.

However I would note that I am becoming less interested in being on the phone with one person while I am near another person, or being near somebody on the phone with a third party.

I would often hear or ask about the conversation later, especially in a situation like you described where I have a strong connection with the third party, and that can be more satisfying than hearing half a conversation.

I don't know what your H would think of this sort of thing.

[maryy16]

Thank you everyone for the advice and wisdom

I really believe that putting my finger up is what really triggered him.  He is so impatient already and me "making" him wait even 30 seconds more threw him over the edge.

And the fact that they can act "normal" around other people really makes me believe that they can control their emotions when they want to.  A co-worker of my husband once told me "H is such a great guy. He's a best friend to all of us here" and I thought  "Yea he is... . until you marry him".

[hellokitty4]

"I think many of us have experienced the same or similar behaviors.  The odd thing is that they don't do this with everyone.  They do it to their "targeted non"... . usually a spouse, SO, or child.   They wouldn't do this to a best friend or co-worker or boss. "

Or they would do it only to their best friend.  Everyone else gets a pass.