Do I ask him what he did during our 13 day break up?

[connect]

Something’s been playing on my mind... .

My bf ended our r/s at the beginning of June for 13 days. He did this in a period of dissociation / intense dis-regulation which had been brewing for months.

After 13 days we got back together. He has been doing better but is still pretty disregulated at times (although quite self aware about this now – he has been to the doctor and been prescribed valium and we have discussed him attending cbt therapy)

So... . do I ask him what he did during our break up? We have so far not made any mention of what happened during this time (ie if either of us got  together with other people etc) This is a VERY triggering topic for me – the subject I am most sensitive about... . I do not want to know tbh. He was so disregulated pre break up that his mother thought he was having a breakdown.

So bury my head in the sand to save my sanity? Ask? I don’t know. I fear that if he tells me he got together with someone else then I will feel rather differently about him. Other women are the most triggering topic for me personally. On the other hand he was such a mess that I don’t know if I should take it seriously if he did. Since then things have improved between us and we have been making progress. Do I rock my own very delicate sensitive boat here?

As these break-ups during disregulation seem to be quite a feature on these boards I wondered what other people tend to do around this subject... .

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[Candace30]

My motto is "don't ask questions unless you honestly want to know the truth.  AND you are prepared to deal with the truth".

My BPD and I have been off and on many times during the past few years, sometimes for up to a month at a time. 

Is there a possibility that he has been with other women during those times?  Possibly.

Have I asked him?  No, because I think if he confirmed that he had, I would not be able to look at him the same and would probably lose all attraction to him.

If you are prepared to hear the truth, ask away.

If you can't handle the truth, it's best to let it go. 

[daylily]

I know that curiosity is a strong force and the "need to know" can be overpowering.  But does it matter in the course of your relationship what he did, i.e., if he did something during your breakup, is it going to make you decide not to be with him?  I agree with Candace on this one.  It's probably better not to know.

Before we were married, my H and I broke up for a few weeks after months of serious dysregulation.  I know now that there was another woman involved.  She was living across the country, and I think he broke it off with me because she was coming to visit him.  After a few weeks, he called me crying and wanted to come back.  I found out later about the woman (apparently he either didn't break it off with her after coming back to me, or he resumed the affair at some point).  Although he eventually admitted the affair and broke it off for good, he refused to tell me any details.  I chose to accept that.  To this day, I am curious and sometimes it preoccupies my mind.  But I know he is with me now, and I can't be obsessing about these things.  Either I trust him or I don't. And I have to choose to trust him if I'm going to be with him.  Otherwise, what's the point?

If you're concerned about being exposed to health risks, that's another issue.  If you think he may have slept with someone else, maybe you should get tested for STDs.  I did.  Nothing, thankfully.

  Daylily

[Wanda]

 what do you plan to get out of it, and who to say if he tells the truth you<d beleive him? so i wouldn't

[Grey Kitty]

connect, I may be miss-remembering your story or conflating it with somebody else's, so please correct me if I got this wrong.

Didn't this episode start with him going on a vacation with someone you referred to as a former f-buddy of his? Where you told him that you couldn't handle him doing this, and he did it anyway, and then left early because she was difficult and unstable?

I do not want to know tbh.

That is a very powerful clue for you right there.

Can you elaborate more on why you don't want to know, what you are afraid of?

You seem conflicted. Can you talk more about the part of you that wants to know or HAS to know?

 GK

[arabella]

As usual, the cat asks some good questions!

Here's another question: what will you believe? If he says he was with someone, there is the possibility that he's just saying that to get a reaction because he's upset that you asked. Or he thinks he needs to prove something. Or he thinks that you were with someone so he's 'getting even'. If he says he wasn't with anyone, there's the possibility that he's lying to cover it up so you won't get mad. Or that he doesn't actually remember (which could go with either answer) and is making something up to go with how he feels about the remembered time apart (i.e. he feels guilty, therefore he must have slept with someone - rather than admit he feels guilty because breaking up was a crap thing to do). I'm not sure an answer is what you're looking for so much as reassurance about the current state of the r/s? Maybe?

[Chosen]

Like everybody who has asked here: can you handle the truth?  Will the truth determine your course of actions that follow?  If knowing doesn't change anything, then maybe it's better not to know. 

For me, I don't like to ask questions for what my H did when he is dysregulated (he's left home for the night before... . and so have I), because (1) I trust that he is not with another person, and (2) when it's me who left (because he threatened me), I will not answer him where I have been.  So I offer him the same treatment (although he's not happy with it).   

[123Phoebe]

I remember posting something to you along the lines of, if you choose to pursue and resume the relationship (after one of the episodes that was very upsetting to you), it's essentially saying that you forgive him.  And if you forgive him, which your actions indicated by resuming the relationship, it's not really fair to bring up the past.  Whatever he did unbeknownst to you at the time, didn't seem as important as getting back together with him, as your actions spoke louder than words.

Now that you're back together, what's going on inside of you that's different from before?  Have you firmed up your boundaries?  Gotten in better touch with your values?  How would you handle a future break-up?   



 

[VeryFree]

It's not only if you can handle the truth, but also: do you think he will tell the truth?

In other words: what do you think you will gain from asking this question. You'll never know for sure, but there's a big possibility the answer will hurt you.

[MaybeSo]

The underlying question seems to be "was he with another woman in some manner that is inappropriate while dysregulated."

You already know the answer. Maybe. And if not this time, maybe next time. Indeed, he consciously chose to go on vacation with an ex-gf WHILE with you and not dysregulated. That they didn't hit it off was just lucky.

There are lots of folks on this board who have partners that do upsetting behaviors when dysregulated but cheating or being inappropriate with other people isn't one of them.

And there are those who when dysregulated, cheat, embroil themselves in flirtatious and emotional affairs, hook up with past lovers, etc.

My ex is the type that gets involved with other women, in or out of his relationship, in or out of a dysregulated state. He has shown me that by his actions.

Yours has, too.

You already have the answer you are looking for. Talking with him about it, asking questions to answers you know in your heart already... . is avoidance of your own experience. You are hyper alert and fearful about this for a reason.  So, go ask him, he will either lie to both of you, give you the false hope you are looking for if this time no woman was involved,  or get further dysregulated ... . you guys can then argue and get upset.

He has already shown you that he is slippery in this area. What more do you need to know? Believe me, the details are not that important, and create a further distraction from what really matters; your own core values that belong to you and are your responsibility to protect, not his.

You really have the answers already. Trust your own experience. And then make decisions

that work for you and your life.

[connect]

Wow! Thanks for all the help and opnions!

Yep what you all said pretty much matches up with what I have been feeling in my heart about this. I have decided not to ask. I weighed it up and made a decision not to ask when we got back together but then I wondered if I was being a coward by not asking. I am going to stick with my original decision not to ask.

Will write more later as there were some questions you guys asked me which I will answer when its not so late.

Thanks - really appreciate the feedback 

[Chosen]

connect, you're not being a coward.  The way I see it, you want to know, you want to ask him, but you have weighed the pros and cons of asking and know that not asking is probably better off for both of you.  If anything, you value the relationship more than you wish to know the "truth", and that takes courage.