need some advice on handling this situation

[joe_schmoe]

My uBPD wife, just returned from a week long stay with her sister and sister's husband. After a cordial day, everything was fine when she returned. We went to bed, I kissed her goodnight and turned out the lights. Then a few minutes later I hear her crying. So naturally I asked "What's wrong?", then she proceeds to tell me how she just spent a week with Ann and Bob and she saw how loving and kind Bob is and how he treats his wife so nice and then she has to come home to me and it makes her cry.

So now, I am a bit stunned, but not completely surprised. I simply said, "so you wish I was more like Bob?" and then the gates of hell swung open. She lit into me about how horrible I was and how bad of a husband I am and so on. It was 11 pm and I just wanted to go to sleep, so I let her rail for a while, but when it didn't end, I finally got tired of it and started arguing back. I know I shouldn't have, but it was just getting ridiculous.

Next time, keep my mouth shut and just let her cry?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

I no longer listen to my wifes laundry list of my shortcomings.  Its not healthy for you, and it does nothing for the relationship.

If she has something specific to address - fine, I will listen and am open to the conversation.  Not right at bedtime (one of her favorites - I think it helped her sleep if she was able to unload emotionally at bedtime, which of course just made me stay up all night with my mind spinning).  I just tell her:  Im not ready to discuss this right at this moment, we can discuss it tomorrow though.

Its a boundary.  I will leave.  (and did - now sleep in a different room and enjoy the relaxation, quiet, and peacefulness just before bedtime).

Read JADE again.  (and again)  And then read it again.

[Chosen]

Argh.  I know that feeling.  If you leave her there crying she will think you don't care.  If you ask then she will list out all the shortcomings you have ever had in your life. 

Like yeeter said, those are not said to help the relationship, no matter what our pwBPDs say. 

Nowadays I also have a "soft" boundary on that.  When I sense that he is just using the past to say how terrible I am, or generalising and starting to personally attack me (not raging and not using ugly language), I would just say stuff like, "Hmm... . I see."  "Maybe you're right.  I just have to learn."  I don't address what's being said in detail, but because usually what he says has a grain of truth (e.g. he says I am insensitive.  He means "you are insensitive all the time, 100% of the time.  I take it as "sometimes I do things that are insensitive", and of course that's true- all of use do!).  But when he escalates and uses bad language and so on, I don't even give those one-sentence respond.  I will just tell him I won't respond.

[Grey Kitty]

When you went to her upon hearing her crying and offered her support, that was a good, kind, loving, and supportive act. 

When she turned it into an 11pm list of all your flaws, sticking around to listen became unhealthy for you.

Next time I'd recommend leaving like Yeeter describes if something like that starts. Sticking around you will either be hurting yourself by just listening... . or harming both of you by fighting back.

[goldylamont]

that sucks joe sorry you had to endure this. i had many experiences like this of being compared to other couples and then devalued. then there was one night, shortly after i had broken up w/her but we still lived together (the worst month of my life  ). she woke herself and me up bawling in her sleep... . rolled over and i held her, kissed her and asked her if she had a bad dream. she told me politely that she dreamed she walked in on me having sex with another woman and that i started berating her about it (this couldn't have been farther from reality). and just to be sweet she threw in as i tried to comfort her "don't worry, i had the same kind of dreams when i broke up with my last ex. it just lets me know it's completely over between us". then rolls over without so much as a goodnight