Moving to this board because I can't handle the lies anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's 5:30 AM where I'm at, and I've barely slept in the last 24hrs.  Hell, I should have been in bed 6 hours ago.  But the fact is, I'm not, because the uBPD that I thought I was in love with, and shared the same feelings with me, is a liar.

If you are interested in the backstory of what brought me here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204863.0;topicseen

We talked a lot about that situation, and it was all over the place.  At first she tried to turn it around on me, on account of me snooping and not trusting.  We went through many emotions in those talks, but ultimately I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because I was in love with her.  While trying to trust everything she had told me, I was still protecting myself emotionally and being very vigilant of what she said and did (I think deep down I knew where this relationship was heading).  Many things this past 2 weeks seemed very good between us.  We texted throughout the day, even got into the habit of talking on the phone nightly (she has never been a fan).  We discussed future plans, and also spent 2 pretty good days together at her place.  I even started to think that I didn't even belong on this site, that I had made some horrible assumptions about her (is this common here?).  Now, I'm not saying everything was perfect during this time.  I had the thinly veiled suicide statemnts (ie "Sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning" or the inability to take a compliment.  Compliments were typically answered with a "no', "nah", or even a "Liar!".  She also complained quit a bit about her new job, the one in the same field where she had just quit 3 weeks earlier for 1$ an hour more.  Also, I had a death in the family this week, and she wasn't really there for me.

Anyways, lets fast forward to the last few days.  I had asked her what her plans were for this weekend, and she says she may have to watch her niece on Friday.  She says her sister wants to go on a date with her husband, but not sure if he will be in town (little fishy).  uBPDGF was not sure if she was going to watch the niece in the town GF lives in, or sister lives in.  I didn't think to much about this, I was use to her not being available on the weekends, and having only came to see me once.  So on Friday we are talking, and her niece was going to come to her and spend the night.  We have some light texts, and she tells me how they are going to watch a disney movie, eat popcorn, and paint there nails.  As the night wears on, my suspicions are raised, you know those little hairs on your neck that just won't go away?  I start thinking how she has a tendency to say things like "I don't fit into your world", "We live separate lives", "And you are always busy every weekend".  The last one really got me thinking, in the 6 months we've been dating, I think I've only legitimately been busy 2 weekends.  She is the one that has things going on nearly every weekend, and is unable to see me (projection?).  It's almost habit, that in the middle of the week, she starts complaining of what she has to do the next weekend, typically related to her family, and she tells a story of woe of how she doesn't want to do it, but feels obligated.  Well, tonight, I decided to drive the 35 miles to where she is house sitting, and just drive by.  On the commute I wondered if it was ridiculous what I was doing, I also wondered how I would feel if all appeared normal, would the trust issues melt away?

Well, what do I find when I get to the house?  A blue 2013 Camaro parked behind her!  Now, In my previous post, I talk about a "J" giving her a car.  It was an old Camaro that he had owned and didn't need (how often does a dude just give a girl a car out of the kindness of his heart, not expecting anything in return?).  Over the last 2 weeks, I would try and talk about "J" nonchalantly, attempting to reassure her that I was OK with their platonic relationship.  One thing I had asked was "What kind of car does he drive now", her reply "A brand new blue Camaro".  So there it is, she lied to me, "J" is over at her house at a late night.  I don't even care if it's physical, she is telling me lies, and they have caught up to her. 

I'm sorry that this was a rambling saga, as I said, I'm sleep deprived.  I'm going to try and get some sleep, cause I have a feeling it's going to be a long and grueling conversation later today when I confront her.  I look forward to hearing from the community.

[Confused76]

It's 5:30 AM where I'm at, and I've barely slept in the last 24hrs.  Hell, I should have been in bed 6 hours ago.  But the fact is, I'm not, because the uBPD that I thought I was in love with, and shared the same feelings with me, is a liar.

If you are interested in the backstory of what brought me here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204863.0;topicseen

We talked a lot about that situation, and it was all over the place.  At first she tried to turn it around on me, on account of me snooping and not trusting.  We went through many emotions in those talks, but ultimately I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because I was in love with her.  While trying to trust everything she had told me, I was still protecting myself emotionally and being very vigilant of what she said and did (I think deep down I knew where this relationship was heading).  Many things this past 2 weeks seemed very good between us.  We texted throughout the day, even got into the habit of talking on the phone nightly (she has never been a fan).  We discussed future plans, and also spent 2 pretty good days together at her place.  I even started to think that I didn't even belong on this site, that I had made some horrible assumptions about her (is this common here?).  Now, I'm not saying everything was perfect during this time.  I had the thinly veiled suicide statemnts (ie "Sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning" or the inability to take a compliment.  Compliments were typically answered with a "no', "nah", or even a "Liar!".  She also complained quit a bit about her new job, the one in the same field where she had just quit 3 weeks earlier for 1$ an hour more.  Also, I had a death in the family this week, and she wasn't really there for me.

Anyways, lets fast forward to the last few days.  I had asked her what her plans were for this weekend, and she says she may have to watch her niece on Friday.  She says her sister wants to go on a date with her husband, but not sure if he will be in town (little fishy).  uBPDGF was not sure if she was going to watch the niece in the town GF lives in, or sister lives in.  I didn't think to much about this, I was use to her not being available on the weekends, and having only came to see me once.  So on Friday we are talking, and her niece was going to come to her and spend the night.  We have some light texts, and she tells me how they are going to watch a disney movie, eat popcorn, and paint there nails.  As the night wears on, my suspicions are raised, you know those little hairs on your neck that just won't go away?  I start thinking how she has a tendency to say things like "I don't fit into your world", "We live separate lives", "And you are always busy every weekend".  The last one really got me thinking, in the 6 months we've been dating, I think I've only legitimately been busy 2 weekends.  She is the one that has things going on nearly every weekend, and is unable to see me (projection?).  It's almost habit, that in the middle of the week, she starts complaining of what she has to do the next weekend, typically related to her family, and she tells a story of woe of how she doesn't want to do it, but feels obligated.  Well, tonight, I decided to drive the 35 miles to where she is house sitting, and just drive by.  On the commute I wondered if it was ridiculous what I was doing, I also wondered how I would feel if all appeared normal, would the trust issues melt away?

Well, what do I find when I get to the house?  A blue 2013 Camaro parked behind her!  Now, In my previous post, I talk about a "J" giving her a car.  It was an old Camaro that he had owned and didn't need (how often does a dude just give a girl a car out of the kindness of his heart, not expecting anything in return?).  Over the last 2 weeks, I would try and talk about "J" nonchalantly, attempting to reassure her that I was OK with their platonic relationship.  One thing I had asked was "What kind of car does he drive now", her reply "A brand new blue Camaro".  So there it is, she lied to me, "J" is over at her house at a late night.  I don't even care if it's physical, she is telling me lies, and they have caught up to her. 

I'm sorry that this was a rambling saga, as I said, I'm sleep deprived.  I'm going to try and get some sleep, cause I have a feeling it's going to be a long and grueling conversation later today when I confront her.  I look forward to hearing from the community.

[Want2know]

That's hard, I know.  I went through the same stuff with my ex, and we lived together. 

Finding stuff on his fb page, sites he was visiting, lies, etc.  I would confront him, he would deny it and then get angry at me for snooping.  I finally had to say that it just wasn't worth it.  I shouldn't have to feel the need to follow up on him.

After reading your referenced post and this one, I'd say you have pretty clear cut evidence that she is doing something with this guy.  Regardless, she is lying to you.

So, what are you going to say to her?

[really]

Confused.   Your post just brought memories of very similar experiences flooding back.   The allegations of hacking their Facebook the sudden lock down. My advice as someone who went through a similar thing to the las vegas story and the story you just posted.   Walk away.  :)on't look back.  :)on't engage.  I know how terribly difficult this must be. I know how devastated I was in a similar situation and 18 months later I still hurt.  But I hurt most by looking for answers believing that it was a phase or that somehow I was at fault or that I should have given the benefit of the doubt.  

If I had my time over again the second that happened I would have disappeared off her planet and never spoken to her again.  I regret not doing so and in the process I hurt myself more.  And I adored my ex.

[mitchell16]

Confused76, Im sorry you are going through this, I to am in same position and have been for over 2 years. I have lost count of how many lies I have caught my exBPDgf in. I never caught her cheating physically. but with that said, I had caught her lies concerning other men. Your post reminded me so much of her actions. You catch them in lies and its your fault. One occasion I caught mine in was a over a year ago, she was going out of town on business, no big deal. but something in my gut just wasnt right with her actions. Prior to leaving on this trip, she made of point of being extra nice, as she was driving out of town she called and sald " i wanted to go ahead and call you since I will be busy and I wont be able to talk to you until much later" I thought to myself ok, why are you explaining this. We both have been so busy at work that we often didnt talk until 9 or 10 at night anyway. we texted about 7 and she texted back with a dramatic explaination of how busy they were. I didnt say anything but something just didnt set right with me. later that night she texted me out of the blue explaining how her day had been so busy and how she was going to sleep. Now we always talk before going to sleep. I sent back a text asking was we not going to talk and she responded with "my battery almost dead" Thats when i though yeah, right. The next day she calls and is all sweet and wanting to spend weekend at my house (which never happens) I still dont confront her because I know she would just accuse me of being to suspcios, jealous and whatever. later that night shes at my house and gets a text and she shows it to me acting like shes all confused and then says it a girl from work that lives in another city. I memorize the number and I have another friend call it, a few days later. Sure enough a man answers. I still dont tell her about what I know. later when comes up I confront her with the information I have. She still tried to tell me it was a female friend from work. I didnt tell her I had called it. but i did tell her i checked it out and it belong to man. But at the end of it all, what happened was she went out to a bar, got drunk and gave some man her number. Of course that was my fault because she couldnt tell me in advance becasue it would make me mad. and she was right, I mean who wouldnt mind their gf going out getting drunk and giving some man her phone number to call her. But my point is IT WAS ALL MY FAULT according to her. I guess she is right If i hadnt exposed her lies I wouldnt have never known. So i guess it was my fault. surely not hers for lieing and acting in a way she had no business. But, after that I still stayed with her and took her back. so shame on me. that wasnt the first lie or the last and i still stayed. So thats all on me. BUt what I have found it is never their fault. The might acknowledge some fault but you will always hear the BUT... . is was because you or you made me or I couldnt tell you because... . Oh yeah, she blamed the guy getting her phone number on her co-worker. When I asked her why her married co worker would give her number out some strange man and not her own. Her excuse was her co workers phone was dead and this guy was just concerned about them getting home safely so he took their number. When I asked why she just didnt get his number to call him and let him know they made it back safely. She looked confused and couldnt explain it. a few days later she came back with a completely diffrent excuse. LOL. which still didnt make any sense. But one thing I have found that is true. IT NEVER CHANGES. I should have walked then but I didnt I set myself up for more pain and misery.

[Wishful thinking]

Hi confused

Discovering all the lies is humiliating and not an easy thing to go thru.

Sometimes i wish to have trusted my gut in the first place. But they get so good at lying. They have the ability to justify every lie and every action and in the end it will be because you triggered something off... . which end in the fact that it is your fault not theirs.

Im going thru a similiar experience and I am married. Everyday I discover an extra lie. Yes the fb. The emails. The sites they visit etc. And guess what, they lie again. I must also embarrassingly admit that sometimes those lies would pacify my doubts and fears.

Ive been married for two years and hav had enough of the lying anf snooping around. Why should i snoop around and follow up on his every move. The trust is gone and the inevitable is in close reach ie divorce.

The question remains. Where to from here. Youve discovered. You admitted. Now whats next? Its a question i ask myself by the way... .

[Bach Cantatas]

Hi confused

Discovering all the lies is humiliating and not an easy thing to go thru.

Sometimes i wish to have trusted my gut in the first place. But they get so good at lying. They have the ability to justify every lie and every action and in the end it will be because you triggered something off... . which end in the fact that it is your fault not theirs.

Yes, discovering the lies and attempting to deal with them is very humiliating and soul destroying. I even mentally conjured up explanations for my ex`s inconsistencies very early on in the relationship, such was the mental grip and enmeshment in which I was experiencing. Despite even physically disproving the old " my mobile (cellphone) could not hook into the system at that location" nonsense, I somehow refused to see the toxicity of it all and run for the hills. The loss of trust after so many lies eventually did override the enmeshment and when demanding answers to blatant falsehoods only brought silence, I recognised the awful place into which I had wandered. Almost four months of NC has now enabled me to see the toxicity of the dance and I would say that the advice I read elsewhere that "one lie can be forgiven, two lies means danger and three signals "Abandon Ship" " is very valid. Paradoxically, my inability to trust a word that my ex says has enabled me to more easily accept her refusal of closure, as no matter what she might say I would still not believe it to be the truth.

Truly B.P.D. is terrible for all involved!  

[winston72]

Oh, man... . I feel so badly for you.  It is truly awful.  Infidelity is one of the worst experiences in life.  Betrayal and deceit are terribly destructive to humans, and when love and emotional trust are layered in, well it is just terrible.  I discovered that my SO had been seeing someone else throughout the first year of our relationship.  It was/is devastating.  It came to my attention through email messages to her that were left on a phone she had borrowed from me some months earlier.  Pure pain.

It is difficult to offer advice to anyone in your spot, even as I lived through something similar.  As I reflect on my experience, I would have waited a bit longer before confronting her.  The pain itself created such urgency that I had to confront her.  I needed to feel the pain and know what it meant, but the urgency to tell her what I knew... . well, there is no reason to rush.  It does not really alleviate my pain, which is why I needed to talk to her.  I thought that if she knew that I was hurting, that maybe she would... . make it better?  Take it back?  I don't know.   

I agree with Really that just moving along is a good idea.  But, I could not do it.  In the long run, it was the only response that was reasonable in light of her extreme lying.  But it took me a while to get there.  I did not fully see it for what it was at the time.  I had hope that she would "get it" and change.  She actually did... . sort of.  Two more years of aggravated trying until I realized more fully that such behavior is not just a "mistake"... . it is a reflection of deeper issues.  And they do not just disappear.

And, by the way, from my viewpoint, she is cheating.  Please do not injure yourself by failing to see it for what it is.  She is, in any event, consciously and purposefully deceiving you in order to spend time with another man.  Not good.

All the best to you. 

[winston72]

Just want to reiterate my sense of compassion for you... . and I am confident I can express to to you on behalf of many people on this site.  The pain and all its attendant emotions from such a life event are quite awful.

The occasion of my discovering her lies and my initial conversations with her immediately thereafter were very traumatic for me.  I have been suffering from these moments... . the aftermath generates some PTSD like symptoms, if not some of the actual features.  So, again, a bit of patience, a lot of self care and some planning  are merited before you confront her.  That confrontation might stick in your memory for a long time.  Best to do in on your own terms and with some confidence.  Sleep deprivation and anxiety are not the best preparation for such a conversation/confrontation.

[winston72]

Just read your prior posts again... . Las Vegas... .

Haul ass... .

If you need to speak with her, it is for whatever you want to communicate... . but there should not be any expectation of honest dialogue with her, or at least any dialogue that you can rely upon. 

You are fortunate you have not become more deeply involved... . and that you trusted and responded to those little hairs on the back of your neck!  Well done!