what to do now... how to go forward more positively... intoduce boundaries

[blackorchid]

Hi,

my boyf dysregulated for 16 days. On day 2 he packed everything up and moved out of our apartment.

We have been talking for the past 3 days.  Yesterday he said he realises he has a problem and wants me to help him.  During our break he has signed to a new sports team and he is now on pre-season camp for 1 month.  If he is able to get time off on the weekend he will come to see me.  What is the best thing for me to do when I see him regarding talking about BPD therapy and setting boundaries. 

Also we were looking for a new apartment in the buildup to his dysregulation.  On the phone he has says I have to find it by myself as he cant cope with the pressure of it.

His version of events leading to him leaving are completely different to what actually happened... .  how do ı make him realise what actually happened

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Your easiest choice is to let him have his reality of the past and have your own, and not participate in arguments about it. If the discrepancies don't impact future choices they are easier to let go of.

I'd recommend that you decide what YOU want to do regarding a new apartment. I'm guessing that your choices would be somewhat different depending on whether you are planning on him moving back in with you.

Talking about BPD / therapy with him? Not likely to go well if he is still dysregulated. Better to dodge that one for a while if you can. Especially if he hasn't been diagnosed formally or doesn't really accept the diagnosis.

Setting boundaries--Do that for yourself; you don't need much involvement on his side for it. What sort of boundaries do you feel the need to set?

[arabella]

I agree - don't try arguing over what actually happened. There is no way to "make him realize what actually happened", so you'd be spinning your wheels in a fight you can't win.

If he says he can't handle dealing with the apartment situation, I'd take him at his word and thank him for being honest with you about it. At least now you know where that stands and you can go ahead and do what's best for yourself.

I definitely wouldn't mention BPD unless he does. As for therapy, if he has already acknowledged that he needs help... . Maybe use DEARMAN to let him know that you'll support him in any way you can, but that he needs to see a professional. Don't suggest that it's because he's "so bad" or anything like that, just tell him that you don't have the expertise to really do a good job. Let him know that you want him to see a therapist for HIS benefit - not for yours. Then you can offer to help find a therapist. And, hey, what do you know? Your list of potential therapists for him to choose from are all people who specialize in DBT or treating BPD... . (You don't have to tell him that.) I told my H he should try DBT because it is more 'action-based' and less talking - that really appealed to him. So you might find an angle to explain DBT that will appeal to your bf. Good luck!

[Chosen]

His version of events leading to him leaving are completely different to what actually happened... .  how do ı make him realise what actually happened

":)on't get sucked into his details", my C reminds me.  I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.  My H loves pointing out "facts" that prove his version of what leads to arguments are correct, and mine are wrong (black/ white thinking).  Will clarifying the facts change what has happened?  It will just make those events replay for so many times in your mind, so then neither of you can put it down and move forward. 

pwBPDs can't accept "agreeing to disagree".  But you can put a stop to that by allowing them to keep their version of reality.  Even if you have proof that what they say is not the truth, they will not change their view because emotions create facts for them.  So no use getting sucked in that sort of argument.  Try to get him to move forward, not keep looping the past.

[blackorchid]

thank you for your thoughts really helpful.  I'll wait and see if he discusses needed help again rather than bringing it up myself. 

Have started looking for different apartments so hopefully will get that sorted.

Grey Kitty I was thinking of boundaries to try to stop this happening again.  When he dysregulated I left the house to give him time alone to calm down but that just escalated the problem and he packed when I wasnt here.

[waverider]

Different versions of reality is simply a fact of life with BPD, even their own version of past events changes according to their mood of now. The past is rewritten to validate their now. As their mood changes so does their recollections.

Just know your own reality and dont feel the need to convert them to yours.

[arabella]

Grey Kitty I was thinking of boundaries to try to stop this happening again.  When he dysregulated I left the house to give him time alone to calm down but that just escalated the problem and he packed when I wasnt here.

Okay, I'm not GK, but I'll answer anyway (because I'm nosy like that - haha)!

Boundaries are to protect yourself - they can't get him to do or not do anything. I doubt all of the boundaries in the world could stop him from dysregulating again, or leaving if that's what he's got it in his head to do. You could set a boundary: if you leave me again, I will take your word for it and I will not accept you back into my life. It may cause him to rethink his choices BUT you have to mean it. If it happens again, you can't then get back together. Do you really think that your leaving the house escalated things? Why do you think it would have been different had you stayed in the house? What do you think you would do differently?

[blackorchid]

thank you Arabella I always appreciate your insight. When  he dysregulated his cousins were in the house and it made it more intense I think.  I think in a way it hightened the situation.  He is always very aware of other people seeing him... . now he keeps asking if my friends know, if our neighbours know... . I dont know but maybe he is embarrassed of them knowing.  He was telling his cousins that everything is my fault and it angered me more as they accepted what he was saying even though what he was saying was completely irrational.  So I walked out I dont know.

I think hes coming tonight.He has 1 day off from camp and then he will be gone for 3 weeks.  Its not even like we have time to sort things out or to broach a proper conversation 

[arabella]

Agreed - having an audience couldn't have helped. I know there's also some tendency to 'save face' on occasion. So he might have started going on about you, the r/s, etc. and then made the dramatic exit in order to appear more serious about it in front of his family. Or something. Really who knows, and really it probably doesn't matter. I guess the only thing for the future might be to leave earlier in order to prevent some of the escalation. Of course, DBT therapy could also help him to manage his emotional responses too (a conversation for down the road, obviously).

Maybe it's good that you don't have time to delve into things right away. You're just finding your footing again. It could be good to send him off for his 3 weeks on a calm note so that he doesn't stew. It also gives you more time to think about how to approach things. And it gives both of you some 'down time' after that last episode. Definitely very frustrating to have it still sort of hanging in the air though (more for you than him).

Let us know how the visit went when you have a chance! 

[blackorchid]

yeah that makes sense.  thats a good way to think about the next 3 ways as well. Thank you 

the visit went ok.  There were some hazy moments: he still says the arguement was about me valuing money more over him and not giving him a chance to explain why he's right     I guess thats a discussion I will have to tread carefully on in the  future.  He said that things arent how they were before and thats because of the 'money ıssue' and so his perspective and therefore his feeliings towards me have changed... . but he called me 15 minutes after he left to say he was sad when he drove away and of course he wants to stay here with me and he loves me.  So maybe the next 3 weeks will be a more positive thing.

[arabella]

Well, at least now you have some idea as to what's going on in his head! (Even if it makes no sense.) Try to keep in mind that his "feelings have changed" not because of anything you did, but because he has BPD and that's just the nature of the beast. They also change back. And forth again. And over time (like any 'normal' r/s). I wouldn't worry over that one except in so much as he may need some reassurance. Bear in mind he's probably also confused now that he's coming back from the dissociation (that seems to be how it goes with pwBPD) so some of what he says is just him sorting his own stuff out mid-stride. Good thing you have some down time to let him balance out!

Hang in there! I think that text as he was leaving is a really positive sign!

[blackorchid]

thank you.  I hope  are improving with you